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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

THREAD 2 Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

102 replies

JudgeJerry · 19/08/2021 12:38

My other thread is nearly full so just wanted to start another to thank you all so much for the support, it's been absolutely invaluable. I know not everyone has agreed with me throughout but I still value the opinions all the same.

I'd like to keep it open as things move on, it's been really helpful chatting to you all and I may need some more advice or just someone to talk to as things progress so here we are!

I'm not sure how to link to the old thread sorry.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2021 20:45

Happy to see you've continued the thread OP. I'm really rooting for you getting away from this situation, and glad to see you're feeling the support from posters on here who are able to understand what you're experiencing.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/08/2021 21:05

The thing to remember is that "doing the right thing" can literally only be judged on a case by case basis, so what is right for you is not a blanket "this is what you should do" to be applied universally and more than there's a one-size-fits-all approach for any kind of personal relationship/family dynamic.

The people who berate you for wanting to step away for a bit are failing to appreciate that what they're suggesting isn't just you living the life you want only with a couple of extra dinners with the DSC thrown in. No, you would still be walking on eggshells every day waiting for the next request of "could you just do..."; that phone call saying he can't pick the DC up from school so you can do it as they're having tea at yours anyway; always on edge anxiously anticipating what (ex)wifework for your DSC he's going to bully you into next.

Don't feel guilty for doing whatever needs to be done to look after your mental health.

Congressdingo · 19/08/2021 21:06

Glad I found the new thread. Would love to hear how it all goes in the next few months.
FWIW I've been with my DP for 15 years and I'm still not close to his children by previous marriage. And hes not that close to mine.
Cest la vie.
Neither of us has had the others children for lengths of time, neither had to do the school run for the other, because we are adults and can sort this drudgery all by our selves.,amazing eh.

Erwhatno · 20/08/2021 09:49

Good luck op x

LongTimeMammaBear · 20/08/2021 10:16

Good luck. Good plan to go back to the office to slowly detach.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 11:24

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4327821-ex-doesn-t-want-to-see-ds1

This thread is interesting.
I wonder if the posters calling you all sorts will be popping on to this thread to say the same about the bloke described.
Place your bets people...

Lavender24 · 20/08/2021 11:30

I skimmed through the other thread but just wanted to say that I totally see where you're coming from and that some of the posters were unnecessarily mean. They aren't your kids and you've spent years being put upon because your partner doesn't want to parent. Both you are your stepchildren are victims in this situation.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2021 11:46

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4327821-ex-doesn-t-want-to-see-ds1

This thread is interesting.
I wonder if the posters calling you all sorts will be popping on to this thread to say the same about the bloke described.
Place your bets people...

This situation is a woman who has been totally used by a nasty man as unpaid slave nanny. If she gives an inch he’ll push it and he does as little as he can get away with for his own children. Does that thread sound like the man left because he was exhausted and fed up with doing absolutely everything for both children?? It is crystal clear from the ops comments that if her partner were reasonable she’d Iove to see the children. But he’s not, and she needs to escape his manipulation and put her own oxygen mask on. Stop comparing apples and house bricks.
phishy · 20/08/2021 11:51

Looking forward to ex’s response!

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 12:12

@timeisnotaline

Stop comparing apples and house bricks.

Well said! 🌹

Enquirer20 · 20/08/2021 12:49

If you’re prepared for the DSC to call you, could you not set up some kind of telephone contact with them that is scheduled? This gives the clear message that you would like to stay connected to them and have put a plan in place for it, but doesn’t allow any open doors for their Dad to take liberties with childcare etc. If regular, twice weekly calls (e.g) go well you could up it to dinners or whatever when you feel comfortable.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 14:44

🙄 if you're going to have a pop at least try to make sure you actually understand what I was saying.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 20/08/2021 15:32

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

🙄 if you're going to have a pop at least try to make sure you actually understand what I was saying.
I'm glad you said that, @IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves, I spent a while trying to work out if/how I'd got the wrong end of the stick Grin
Original poster
JudgeJerry · 20/08/2021 16:00

Hi everyone.

So we had the talk last night, well argument more like!

I told him from the week after next he'd need to sort something for the DC as I'd be working from the office for the foreseeable. I got lots of angry words, I'm taking it out on the kids, I'm awful, I'm X and Y, evil for being willing to hurt the kids to get to him (by going into work? Hmm)

Anyway, I just repeated that I wouldn't be around and that was his notice to arrange something and went back upstairs to sort our youngest DCs bath & bed.

I don't know what he's planning on doing, I am passed caring. I feel mentally drained.

Interesting reading the other thread, I can obviously see similarities although I do think the situation here is a bit more complex (unless the OP of that thread gives more detail of course!). I'm not trying to be 'a shit' like the ex is labelled a lot on there.

God I'm looking forward to this all being done and dusted! Now for another Friday night avoiding him as much as possible in the house. Although I am excited as my parents are having youngest tomorrow whilst I go out for drinks with a friend which I haven't done in AGES so really looking forward to that! Grin

OP posts:
SergeantCatFlap · 20/08/2021 16:20

It wouldn't surprise me if he does nothing - then attempts to leave the house for the day before you leave for work.

So you'll be forced to deal with the kids.

You might think about you and DC staying at a relatives house the previous weekend.

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 16:21

Wow! He's really an entitled git, isn't he? Good on you for just giving him the facts and then just getting on with things, @JudgeJerry.

Enjoy your Friday evening - you've more than earned it!!

Are you spending any time over the weekend with your mum?🌹

SpringCrocus · 20/08/2021 16:27

Yes, I agree he'll just carry on and leave you to deal with his children.
I'd be taking your DC and staying with your parents/somewhere else.

SpringCrocus · 20/08/2021 16:34

How long before you can move into the rental, @JudgeJerry?

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 20/08/2021 18:19

@SpringCrocus

How long before you can move into the rental, *@JudgeJerry*?
End of next month is when the tenant is due to leave.

I hear what you're saying re him leaving earlier and just leaving the DC. I can't really stay with my parents for that long though, they don't have the space really. Not sure what to do about that other than hope he doesn't.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 20/08/2021 18:24

Well done JudgeJerry a really good start to the changes you need to make and a reminder from him about how self-centered he is.

NumberTheory · 20/08/2021 18:33

It's telling isn't it, that he thinks you going to work is you "taking things out on the DC" while his going to work and leaving all the work to someone not related to them who doesn't want to do it for 4 years was perfectly fine.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/08/2021 18:59

Well done @JudgeJerry, you stayed strong and didn't let him browbeat you. It's a shame for your DSC but if you don't make him pick up the slack now he'll be absolutely useless when you finally leave. And your not evil or punishing anyone, he just can't admit he's finally going to have to step up. Keep going, only a few weeks and your free!

Antiquestuff · 20/08/2021 19:28

In many places this thread reads like he’s got his DC and you’ve got yours. It’s like he fails to see that he’ll barely be seeing the DC you have together and won’t be involved in sorting childcare etc for him but thinks it’s unreasonable that you won’t have HIS DC loads and help him with childcare. Wtf! Confused

HeckyPeck · 20/08/2021 21:08

Well done for letting him know OP.

I bet you can't wait until you're out and in your own place!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2021 22:23

"I hear what you're saying re him leaving earlier and just leaving the DC. I can't really stay with my parents for that long though, they don't have the space really. Not sure what to do about that other than hope he doesn't."

'That long' - how about just one night? The night before your first day back at the office? You and DS have a sleepover The Night Before The Big Day? Make it like a fun camping trip to your DS? And don't mention it to your husband until just before you set off, give him no chance to do a bunk.