THREAD 2 Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

My other thread is nearly full so just wanted to start another to thank you all so much for the support, it's been absolutely invaluable. I know not everyone has agreed with me throughout but I still value the opinions all the same.

I'd like to keep it open as things move on, it's been really helpful chatting to you all and I may need some more advice or just someone to talk to as things progress so here we are!

I'm not sure how to link to the old thread sorry.

So proud of you for standing up to this guy. What a jerk. What he’s really saying is “How dare you affect MEEEEEE!”

Would it be worth just making do at your folks from the week after next when you go back to the office.

Yes it’s more upheaval and not ideal, but you won’t be physically there anymore. Whilst I feel for theDSCs it’s not on you to be their sole support.

You are playing a blinder.

Could you get a short term rental or airbnb for the month?

If he gets nasty I would indeed tell him you will just leave earlier.

Going out at night and leaving your child with your parents as often as you can also has him sorting out dinner and bed.

Stop doing any laundry, tell him it is now his job for him and his children.

He needs to pull his finger out and start looking after his children.

He is now on notice.

Do not allow him to use you for the next few weeks.

You are not going to know yourself with how great life will be.

He got some package in you, fulltime working and fulltime skivvy.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him and ONE word from him and tell him you are moving out early.

Keep posting.
I am so pleased for you.

Thank you all so much! I'll respond properly to everyone when I can.

I am out tonight with a friend for the first time in forever, already a little tipsy admittedly! But having a lovely time! Enjoy your weekends all

You’re doing the right thing

You’re definitely doing the right thing OP, stay strong and have a fun night! You deserve it

OP

Make sure you are not in the house the evening, even the day before you’re going to work.
Get a hotel / AirBnB if you have to!!

I agree that it might be time to pull any 'domestic assistance'. Let him start getting used to doing his laundry, cooking his own meals, cleaning up after himself and his DC, etc.

I'd still feed the DSC though. But he can do their laundry.

Agree that it’s time he becomes accustomed to parenting again. You look after you and your own kid for now.

So what is your plan,to. pre empt him from just getting up early and leaving you with his children?

You know that's what he will do, yes?

If he does leave you with the children could you drop them off at his work? Silly daddy has forgotten you are going into your office today, how exciting you get to go to Dads work?

Preemptive action would be best, ideally going and staying with her parents and dropping her son to nursery/leaving with her parents.

Not being there is key.
He will do anything to get his way.
He is a controlling bully.

OP should have a bag packed in her boot for with clothes for several days and just leave and go to her parents, texting later that she has decided to stay.

If he hasn't made provision for childcare and was intending to just up and leave, that is his situation to sort out.

You're doing so well Op, stay strong.

How are things going OP?

How are you @JudgeJerry?

Hi everyone.

Was going to post last night but just couldn't face it after what was a pretty draining evening.

I need your wise words again as I'm currently feeling like the worst human possible.

We spoke with the DC last night. Our DS doesn't really understand much so he was okay until the others got upset. But DSC were devastated. They knew we were separating but they didn't know the exact timings or plans until we sat and spoke about it last night, I think they just hadn't really thought about it properly until then.

They were really upset when I said me and DS would be moving to somewhere new, they even said they wanted to come with us. Then DS got upset because he saw his older siblings getting upset. It was just horrible.

H is grumpier than usual after that. He sees this as all my fault, I guess if I'd just have put up and shut up no one would be so upset. He's never willing to accept his part in any of it.

I really don't know what to do, I'm being made to feel like I'm abandoning devastated children which just makes me feel the worst person on the planet. I just want to take DS and run away from this.

@JudgeJerry I’m sorry that you feel this way. I know that you feel gulity because the DC got upset (who wouldn’t), but remember that you are not going away but just living somewhere else.

I think it is quite telling that they would rather live with you, than your STBEx.

Also, he can get as grumpy as he likes but this is all of HIS doing. If he had been a good father to begin with, then he would of taken the lead of caring for his DC. Instead, he selfishly looked after his own needs and snared a young impressionable women to be a nanny/housekeeper/wife.

He know needs to suck it up!

#Now needs to suck it up.

You have done nothing wrong at all, you deserve happiness, if he had done his job as a father and decent husband you wouldn’t be doing this. Let him be grumpy. Please don’t stay and be unhappy or agree to anything because of misplaced guilt. This is the very hardest part.

Try and remember that them being upset at least initially was inevitable OP, but they will get over it and it is not worth sacrificing your life for. Everything he is doing is just further conforming that you've made the right decision, he's digging himself a very deep hole indeed.

He had a CHOICE to pull his weight.

He CHOSE not to.

You came to a breaking point OP.

Don’t feel guilty.

It really is easier said than done but you have to put yourself & your son first.

Realistically you can't take your step children, so that's that!

Then you obviously need to see them on your terms to prevent him taking the piss.

Hold on @JudgeJerry. You can do this. It's not going to easy because you are a good person but that doesn't mean you have to change your plans. Just take one day at a time. One bad days that might change to take an hour at a time. Just remember that you deserve so much more than this.

Of course they were going to be upset.
You can't be surprised about this.

Their father is a lazy waster that has avoided doing ANYTHING to avoid this situation.

YOU are NOT responsible for HIS children.

He'd LOVE for you to think that and take on the guilt because that suits HIM.

Do NOT take it on.

HE has failed HIS children.

HE has failed YOU.

HE has failed HIS child with you.

Do not give this man that has used you for YEARs the power to make you feel bad.

He is one CHEEKY FXXKER blaming you for HIS childrens upset.

They don't even want to live with him, the waster.

Pack earlier if you can and get out asap.

You will make contact with his children later but you need to get out.

Instead of helping his children and supporting them, he is a grumpy fxcker blaming you for inconveniencing him and his life.

Fight back.
Tell him he is a joke.
His children.
His responsibility.
Waster.

Get out of there.

I can’t believe some of the grief you have had reading through the last thread. I’ve known a few relationships where the step dad has left and there’s been no expectation for them to not only keep a relationship but basically do the parenting.

Absolutely he will be looking for a replacement as soon as possible as he can’t manage actual parenting on his own.

It’s a horrible sad situation but one that DH has created. He outsourced his parenting entirely and just expects that to continue at his convenience.
As other have said have the relationship you want - but if DH wants to be nasty he can actually withdraw this at any point, this is worth remembering. You have no legal right to see them, so all those complaining need to remember DH can stop it anytime it suits him.