FIL Affair | Mumsnet

Bananarama21 · 19/08/2021 08:21

I'd stay out of it's between your mil and fil. Money isn't a reason to stay she's likely scared of being alone.

Essentialironingwater · 19/08/2021 08:21

I think you're justified to do whatever you want considering the side you've seen of her. You obviously can't count on her to be a decent human being if the shit hits the fan again, but if you're happy to see her occasionally and be polite but keep her at arm's length that may well be the easier option.

Suprima · 19/08/2021 08:22

@Iamsososoexcited

So please help me! I have no idea what is the correct way to respond in this situation so I am looking for some guidance.

Background: We found out at the start of the year that my FIL has been having an affair for the past 3 years. My lovely MIL was heartbroken. It turns out that FIL is a bit of a serial cheat and this is not the first time. Anyway, they are now in their mid 70s and for financial reasons they cannot separate. They have to work it out. We did not see FIL for 6 months as my DH was so angry at what he had done to his mother. Slowly, as FIL is staying in the family we have started to see him at BBQs and family lunches. Everyone is being nice, more to support MIL. Inwardly we are all seething at him.

Here is my AIBU, in the midst of all this FIL’s sister, let’s call her Aunty Susie, has basically totally taken FIL’s side. She has sent texts justifying the affair on the grounds MIL was horrid (she isn’t) and that she will keep his secret if he wants to carry on cheating etc.

So now here is my problem. Aunty Susie still wants to be part of my life and the kids lives, sending gifts for birthdays and nice posts on social media.

Part of me thinks, if we are prepared to tolerate the cheater, we should be nice to Aunty Susie.

The other part of me feels that Aunty Susie has deliberately hurt my MIL at a time when she was at her weakest. I know MIL has been so upset that Susie hasn’t been any support to her despite their very close friendship spanning 45 years.

So what would you do?

I would calmly explain to Aunt Susie that you will be civil with her due to MIL’s decision to stay- but I would not want anything extra to do with her. No tagging, no presents, nothing. She has clearly shown her true colours here.

It must be horrible for your MIL to see Aunt Susie’s SM posts, her telling you about gifts and video calls with the children etc. knowing that she has hurt her so much…and so deliberately too!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 19/08/2021 08:23

I think you're thinking a bit too much into it. Just be polite but not friendly. If she sends gifts, send "thankyou for DCs gifts" "like " her posts about your DC on fb. Say hello if she does but don't stay and chat. All things I'd be doing with FIL too

Suprima · 19/08/2021 08:23

…but really your DP should communicate this. His family after all.

Original poster

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:25

Aunty Susie has definitely shown herself to be a not nice kind person. In that regard she is the same as her brother!

The feminist in me though is struggling with cutting her out but speaking to the person who caused all these problems, by having the affair in the first place.

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Original poster

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:26

My DH is on board with anything, he is looking for guidance on how to manage this situation.

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Ozanj · 19/08/2021 08:28

Your fil is the problem. The aunt is just supporting her brother. If you won’t to cut anyone out it should be fil

Suprima · 19/08/2021 08:30

@Iamsososoexcited

Aunty Susie has definitely shown herself to be a not nice kind person. In that regard she is the same as her brother!

The feminist in me though is struggling with cutting her out but speaking to the person who caused all these problems, by having the affair in the first place.

I don’t think you need to cut her out. That would cause unnecessary upset and drama. I would just be keeping her at arms length. Chatting at family parties and events sure. But if she has caused so much deliberate hurt to a very loved member of your family, I wouldn’t want her heaping presents on my children or uploading pictures of them to Facebook.

rosesinmygarden · 19/08/2021 08:32

Can you not just be civil and polite to the Aunty? Just as I assume you are being with FIL?

I personally wouldn't be spending any more time than was absolutely necessary seeing or communicating with either of them.

Waspsarearseholes · 19/08/2021 08:36

What a horrid situation. I think I'd feel the same as you towards Susie but I don't think I could tolerate being in the same room with FIL either. He's the one who has betrayed your MIL, though. Susie is being wretched but all she's doing is supporting her piece of shit brother, right or wrongly. She didn't make a vow to your MIL, unlike your FIL. I can't imagine how your MIL must be feeling to have her life turned upside down in her 70s, and still sharing a home with the man who did it. I don't think Susie can or should expect to still be welcomed into your and your husband's and children's lives after being so spiteful to your mum/MIL and she must be a bit thick not to realise that.
If you absolutely can't avoid either FIL or Susie, it'd be all I could do to be icily civil but that's the best I could offer them. Ignore her posts on SM. Tell her that presents aren't necessary and if she continues to send them, don't acknowledge them.

Ourlady · 19/08/2021 08:36

Who has she sent text to?
If it is personally to you or your husband then I would certainly be furious about that.
I would text her telling her that she is out of order texting you about this, your MIL is nothing but lovely and her brother is a disgrace. Then keep her at arms length.
If it is to your MIL then keep out of it but still keep her at arms length.
She is obviously a nasty person.

Theunamedcat · 19/08/2021 08:37

Its your mil choice to stay she has probably been through this more than once so if your prepared to be polite to fil for her sake that's totally up to you

Aunts position of slagging her sil off to excuse her brothers behaviour is something I wouldn't tolerate he is staying with his wife so she clearly can't be nasty as he obviously has options he can stay with her or his girlfriend she is just some bullshit penis promoting infidelity excuser and should butt out

DH is allowed to be hurt by this behaviour and should support his mum but it isn't his "business" as such its there's

Original poster

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:38

I am only being baseline polite to my FIL, limited conversation, try and avoid him. The problem is both my children had their birthdays this month so I have received a lot of gifts and attention from Aunty Susie. My instinct is to be polite and say thank you and acknowledge her social media posts, but I don’t want to.

Grrrr…..

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Waspsarearseholes · 19/08/2021 08:41

@Iamsososoexcited

I am only being baseline polite to my FIL, limited conversation, try and avoid him. The problem is both my children had their birthdays this month so I have received a lot of gifts and attention from Aunty Susie. My instinct is to be polite and say thank you and acknowledge her social media posts, but I don’t want to.

Grrrr…..

You don't need to be polite to her. She's been very unkind to a member of your family. Buying presents from your kids or putting up some fake nice SM posts doesn't make up for that or negate it.

Original poster

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:41

@Theunamedcat I totally agree with your second paragraph!!

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NinaBallerinaShoes · 19/08/2021 08:42

Thank Susie by text and ignore her on SM. She’s attention seeking to upset MIL.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 19/08/2021 08:44

I think you have to be ‘baseline polite’ to Aunty Susie too. She was unkind but not actually more unkind than your FiL and it’s hard to see how it would help your MiL if you were tell Aunty what you really think of her. It could lead to more social media humiliation for your MiL. Saying thank you for gifts is baseline polite. You don’t need to update her on your news or send her photos though. Just thank you.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 08:45

If your MIL is going to stay with her husband it is difficult.

I wouldn't have FIL in my home.

See him at theirs.

As for Aunty, I would be curtly polite and make it clear that you have no wish to be in her company.

Your MIL should be invited to your home but keep those you have no wish to entertain, away.

Aunty could have supported her brother without being nasty to MIL.

Your poor husband, what a shower.

Support your MIL, one on one, if you can, and actively avoid the rest as much as posdible.

Disintegration1985 · 19/08/2021 08:46

Is it possible that your FIL has been feeding his sister a very different version of events? Sounds like he's definitely been badmouthing your MIL to her.

I think that since your MIL is the affected party here, it's really her call. If she's keeping this woman and her husband around, it's not really your place to go causing a divide.

Keep the aunty at arms length, be civil to her but you don't need to go out of your way to be nice/friendly with her.

billy1966 · 19/08/2021 08:47

Restrict want Aunty can see from now on, if you don't wish to block her.

I don't use FB, but isn't there some way to stop her seeing your posts?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/08/2021 08:48

If you've accepted the gifts you need to thank her in my opinion. If you genuinely want nothing to do with her then you should have sent them back. Have you or your husband spoken to her about it? Your husband could at least have a conversation with her along the lines of 'it's going to be difficult to have the same relationship now you've said nasty things about my mum'.

hellywelly3 · 19/08/2021 08:52

I think the best thing you and DP could do would be to get MIL so proper legal advise. Does she really want to stay married or has she been told by someone she can’t afford to leave? No one should have to stay married for financial reasons

StripeyDeckchair · 19/08/2021 08:54

Lockdown all your SM so that Aunty Suzy can't see or comment on it.
Be civil but that's it.

Original poster

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:56

Thanks everyone so it appears mostly disengage, but be baseline polite and send a thank you text and leave it at that. My DH will send the text.

This leads me on to my second question. We took MIL away this Summer on a mini holiday. The change of scenery and copious amounts of alcohol and she is in a much better head space which is nice. I said we could do this every year. Only problem, after returning home FIL has said to her “what’s the point of me staying if I am not invited on mini holidays with the grand kids, I may as well have another affair” FFS.

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