FIL Affair

[Iamsososoexcited]

So please help me! I have no idea what is the correct way to respond in this situation so I am looking for some guidance.

Background: We found out at the start of the year that my FIL has been having an affair for the past 3 years. My lovely MIL was heartbroken. It turns out that FIL is a bit of a serial cheat and this is not the first time. Anyway, they are now in their mid 70s and for financial reasons they cannot separate. They have to work it out. We did not see FIL for 6 months as my DH was so angry at what he had done to his mother. Slowly, as FIL is staying in the family we have started to see him at BBQs and family lunches. Everyone is being nice, more to support MIL. Inwardly we are all seething at him.

Here is my AIBU, in the midst of all this FIL’s sister, let’s call her Aunty Susie, has basically totally taken FIL’s side. She has sent texts justifying the affair on the grounds MIL was horrid (she isn’t) and that she will keep his secret if he wants to carry on cheating etc.

So now here is my problem. Aunty Susie still wants to be part of my life and the kids lives, sending gifts for birthdays and nice posts on social media.

Part of me thinks, if we are prepared to tolerate the cheater, we should be nice to Aunty Susie.

The other part of me feels that Aunty Susie has deliberately hurt my MIL at a time when she was at her weakest. I know MIL has been so upset that Susie hasn’t been any support to her despite their very close friendship spanning 45 years.

So what would you do?

If your MIL moves out and rents, she is guaranteed a minimum monthly income of £767 via pension credit

If her state pension + other income is less than £767 and she has modest earnings, she is entitled to pension credit, which will top her money up.

Being on pension credit then unlocks other benefits, such as council tax exemption, free TV license, housing benefit, help with spectacles purchases.

You should look into whether she can leave him, it may not be as difficult asa you think

I’d be finding a way for MIL to leave this cunt, tbh. He knows he can do whatever he wants and will continue to treat her like shit.

...and make sure she takes the cat when she goes

He sounds vile. I would invest all my energies into helping MIL find a way to leave.

I agree that legal advice is needed here. If they divorced, but still lived on the same house, she might be entitled to more money than she thinks - share of his pension and top up benefits maybe. If those things were coming directly to her, rather than via fil, it would give her more freedom in decision making. And psychologically it would be easier for you all to treat them as separate units - there's no obligation to invite an ex husband to events, it's expected that divorced people don't socialise together. Obviously all that is mils decision but she should know that she has choices.
It might also be that if the finances are legally separated, fil doesn't get any benefit to remaining, except a roof over his head and he might leave. Once he's gone I think mil can legally stop him returning (I think it comes under right to privacy once one party has officially left) but she'd need a solicitor to help. It's not like fil can take any more money from the house so it isn't an asset anymore.
Possibly excluding fil from feeling welcome social events could encourage him to leave because he's losing any benefit to remaining.
I'd still encourage mil to come away with you every year. He has no entitlement to be included.

In your shoes I would be civil to both FIL and Aunty Susie, but cool, and would have as little to do with either of them as possible. I would also hide her FB posts, or even delete her, she is not your friend.

However, if I were your MIL I would be telling FIL to have as many affairs as he wishes given he no longer means anything to me, and pointing out that if the time comes when he needs to be cared for it won't be me doing the caring - Aunty Susie can take it on if she so wishes. What a shit of a man - I would rather live in poverty than live in the same house with someone like that. Tbh I really don't know why you are all pussyfooting around him.

I'm agreeing with others definitely get legal advice .
Wouldn't hurt to find out and your mil will either go ahead with it ,do nothing or if fil finds out shock him into behaving .that last bit may not happen but you never know .
Apart from his affairs, she could site emontional abuse .

Thank Susie for the gifts, be civil to her when you see her, but block her on social media.

Keep taking MIL on the mini-holidays. She should call the manipulative piece of shit out and say she doesn’t care if he has other affairs, the marriage is pretty much over, they can live as housemates.

My aunt and uncle lived like this for many years. He kept having affairs, but they never wanted to split up. They had an expensive house and wouldn’t have had the same lifestyle if they’d sold it, they just lived in different parts of it. Not ideal, aunt wasn’t happy, but she had nice times seeing her sons and their families. You sound like a lovely DIL, you can give your MIL some happy times with the DGC.

Also I'd be telling fil to move in with his sister as their both bloody vile .

@Iamsososoexcited

MIL wants us to be civil, only reason I stop myself from saying every word in my head.

So, we are going to be polite but distant to Aunty Susie. What do I do about mini family holiday?

In relation to the family mini breaks I'd be likely to say to FiL something along these lines "You have behaved really poorly to your wife of X years by having these affairs. We don't reward bad behaviour in this family by taking you on holiday. This is time that MiL needs to be away from you! Now do fuck off with your poor mouth. Who knows where that's been!"

There must be some equity in the property. They obviously owe a proportion to the equity release company but generally that's up to about 50% I believe. I think more digging needs to be done into their finances so she has a true picture of her options.

I forgot to say - keep taking MIL away for breaks and on outings - anything to make her life a bit happier. Seriously though, she would be better off finding a way to get away from her vile husband - no-one should have to put up with his crap.

@Hankunamatata

I'd actually take her to get some legal advice. I'm pretty sure she would be entitled to some of fil private pension

I agree. If she is worried about him knowing she's seen a solicitor perhaps you could pay for it and she repays you & DH?

Maybe she's not really staying for the money and it's more complicated than that after a long marriage where she knew he was unfaithful. But if it now is all about finances, It's awful she has to live like this and maybe she'll realise that being a bit tight for money would be no worse than living with such emotional pain.

Re Auntie Susie I'd be guided by your MiL and how she is treating her own Sister in law,. But yes, civil and no more.

As for the mini breaks, it's your MiL's choice whether to call his bluff on that or not. If she chooses to stay, I'd encourage her to mentally seperate from him (maybe she can get some counselling?). I'd help her to live separately as possible in the house, doing her own activities and going on breaks with her children and GC's. He's saying it to have power over her and hurt her. The sooner she decides she doesn't care what he does any more the sooner he can't control her (and you & DH as well).

@EvilPea

“what’s the point of me staying if I am not invited on mini holidays with the grand kids, I may as well have another affair” FFS.

Manipulative shit

Yes. Unsurprisingly coercive remark that shows he's no intention of changing.

I was at a family event recently where my relative's ex-MIL was there. She said some very unfair and unnecessary things to me about my relative just because she's still bitter about the split (that happened because HER daughter cheated) and I very calmly and politely shut her down.

It's Auntie Susie's choice whether she wants to stand by her DB, but she shouldn't expect others to stand by while she slags off your MIL. For that alone I would have to say something, but would then just take a bit of a step back and reduce the contact. If she buys presents for the DC then thank her privately and politely, but nothing further.

And yes, if you want, stay friends with her on social media but add her to the excluded list of people that can't see your posts!

Your poor MIL - doesn't sound like she deserves any of this, but she's lucky to have you and DH standing by her.

@Iamsososoexcited

I am only being baseline polite to my FIL, limited conversation, try and avoid him. The problem is both my children had their birthdays this month so I have received a lot of gifts and attention from Aunty Susie. My instinct is to be polite and say thank you and acknowledge her social media posts, but I don’t want to.

Grrrr…..

I would treat her same as your FIL. If you do not want to acknowledge fb posts, do not. Me, I would go for a simple thank you, and a thank you card for the gifts.

For me, the important thing would be to take care of MIL. I would pop to see her, spend time with her, take her out, call her, as much as possible. So she does not feel alone. Also, the fear of being on her own may wear a bit if she feels support from her children and grandchildren and partners, so she may not put up with infidelities next time. Or just do the very same as her husband is doing, and having her own life.
At 70, it is heartbreaking. The prospect of being unrooted from your home comforts has to be terrifying.

@Ozanj

Your fil is the problem. The aunt is just supporting her brother. If you won’t to cut anyone out it should be fil

Nope. This is letting Susie off the hook for her own extremely poor behavior. There can be more than one villain in a story, you know.

Don’t give her access to your sm. get the kids to write a thank you card for gifts

No more

Maybe if fil has his home comforts removed (ie if mil is cooking /washing his clothes) he may move out and find a new housekeeper-may be easier for mil if she stays in the home with suggested financial help..
Yabu to supply your dc to appease the twat.

With the update, I definitely would look into some legal advice.

I would imagine you don't know the half of what she has suffered over many years.

Poor woman.
Those mini holidays and anything you can do for her will be her beacons of light in a very tough life.

Has she any friends that are widowed that she could share with?

The older I get the more I realise that there is a whole generation of women who suffered awful marriages with selfish men who treated them so badly.

I know this having met an older lovely neighbour who looks like a new woman since her husband died.
She was always so grey and mousey.

I gave her my condolences as he died late last year.
She looks 15 years younger, extraordinary.

She waved off my condolences with a wave of her hand.
I nearly started to laugh.

I texted a few old friends and they confirmed that her transformation (particularly during Covid) has drawn much comment.
Who knows the details but she certainly has given herself one hell of a make over and looked great.

OP, you sound like a lovely women, here's hoping he dies before her.🤞

It sounds like she owns half a property outright and that she would be awarded half of her husband’s private pension, plus she has her state pension. Would this not be enough for a one bed flat at least? Haven’t RTFT, but could your husband go with her to see a solicitor and a financial advisor, if only to get a plan B in place?

Honestly? As petty as some may see this, I just would pretend fil and his sister don't exist. I wouldn't talk to them, wouldnt answer any questions from them, definitely not send them a Christmas card. They would literally be invisible to me. They are scum, scum doesnt deserve my company. I couldn't even just be reasonably polite to them both. I'd do the same thing in any situation with them.

If the mil allowed it, they'd both get one hell of a dressing down until they left crying. But only with permission.

I would be civil to FIL as he has chosen to stay with MIL. Regarding aunty I would only speak if needed to. Send thank you cards from the kids, or get them to send them, but minimal contact. It’s you DH who should be having a word with them, they have disrespected his mum, and to me that IS his business. His mum is going through turmoil just now and you and DH need to be there to support her.

I know if it were my dad, I would be having a word with him if he was having an affair and treating my mum that way, and I wouldn’t be holding back.

Your MIL does need legal advice - what on earth is going to happen should FIL need care at some point? Will that fall to MIL? I doubt Aunt Susie will help! Equally, what about if MIL should need care - I assume you and your DH would want to look after her (you sound lovely 😊) but how would FIL treat MIL if she remains in what is now their marital home? Would you and your DH be able to offer any care?

Only problem, after returning home FIL has said to her “what’s the point of me staying if I am not invited on mini holidays with the grand kids, I may as well have another affair” FFS.

F@ck me he is an absolute entitled POS isn't he

I think MIL needs to find a taste for heavy metal or punk music & blast that fecker out of his home, plus itching powder in his bed & more. Drive the nasty shit out, she deserves so much better

As for AS, nasty woman, as above thank for gifts only & block her on FB, I personally wouldn't mess around with covert blocking, I'd want her to know that due to her awful behaviour she had lost privileges as far as your family go. Same with DF, if he isn't begging for forgiveness & going out of his way to make up for his dreadful behaviour, but his entitled ass thinks he's above that & doing MIL a favour by staying. Fuck that shit, that narrative needs to be changed