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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL Affair

95 replies

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:18

So please help me! I have no idea what is the correct way to respond in this situation so I am looking for some guidance.

Background: We found out at the start of the year that my FIL has been having an affair for the past 3 years. My lovely MIL was heartbroken. It turns out that FIL is a bit of a serial cheat and this is not the first time. Anyway, they are now in their mid 70s and for financial reasons they cannot separate. They have to work it out. We did not see FIL for 6 months as my DH was so angry at what he had done to his mother. Slowly, as FIL is staying in the family we have started to see him at BBQs and family lunches. Everyone is being nice, more to support MIL. Inwardly we are all seething at him.

Here is my AIBU, in the midst of all this FIL’s sister, let’s call her Aunty Susie, has basically totally taken FIL’s side. She has sent texts justifying the affair on the grounds MIL was horrid (she isn’t) and that she will keep his secret if he wants to carry on cheating etc.

So now here is my problem. Aunty Susie still wants to be part of my life and the kids lives, sending gifts for birthdays and nice posts on social media.

Part of me thinks, if we are prepared to tolerate the cheater, we should be nice to Aunty Susie.

The other part of me feels that Aunty Susie has deliberately hurt my MIL at a time when she was at her weakest. I know MIL has been so upset that Susie hasn’t been any support to her despite their very close friendship spanning 45 years.

So what would you do?

OP posts:
CrazyNeighbour · 19/08/2021 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:58

In answer to the finance question. They took equity release on their home a few years ago to clear the mortgage, if they sold they would have nothing. She only has a state pension, he has a private pension and state pension. They are both financially better off together. If she could afford to leave and not worry about money, she would.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:59

@CrazyNeighbour that is exactly my point. I did not want to do that! I hate the thought that the women fall out and the man gets away with it.

OP posts:
maddening · 19/08/2021 08:59

I would tell A.S. that you are putting up with her feckless cheat of a brother and his apologist bitchy sister for sake of MIL, but that she has shown her colours and this civility is all that is required.

CrazyNeighbour · 19/08/2021 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 19/08/2021 09:02

Just send a basic civil thank you. Bear in mind, her brother has probably been slagging MIL off to her so she may genuinely believe she's been bullying him and he deserves some happiness.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/08/2021 09:04

This is an awful position to be in. You’re stuck right in the middle of a hurricane completely of other people’s doing.
You’ve had some good advice. I’d agree with the posters who say to make it clear to everyone that you are supporting MIL and what ever she chooses to do. You will be pleasant and civil to other family members for the sake of her and the rest of the family.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Hopefully tentions will calm down and improve over time.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/08/2021 09:04

Tensions*

Cuddlyrottweiler · 19/08/2021 09:05

Only problem, after returning home FIL has said to her “what’s the point of me staying if I am not invited on mini holidays with the grand kids, I may as well have another affair

I would definitely have told him how vile his attitude was then. What a nasty prick.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:07

I'd tell auntie susie she's being a prick and that if you're all expected to tolerate her scumbag brother the least she can do is be nice to his wife who's done nothing wrong.

I'd tell FIL he's a piece of shit and if he wants to have another affair to fuck off and do it but that he can leave all their money etc to MIL and make his own way.

Pair of tests.

EvilPea · 19/08/2021 09:07

“what’s the point of me staying if I am not invited on mini holidays with the grand kids, I may as well have another affair” FFS.

Manipulative shit

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 09:07

*twats, not tests Grin

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 09:09

Totally agree with every sentiment here. To be honest my husband has been so blind sided by his father’s behaviour that he is at a total loss to know what to do. MIL it appears has shielded the family from what a nightmare he is.

OP posts:
user1470132907 · 19/08/2021 09:10

Given MIL is staying, I’d just be civil but distant. The drama of cutting Susie out would likely create more stress for MIL

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 09:13

I should also add the only reason we know about the affair is because FIL told us. My lovely MIL had managed not to say anything through January/February and was dealing with the hurt alone (in lockdown) so as not to upset her sons that their dad was a prat. As soon as we could see them in the park, FIL told us. I really don’t like him.

OP posts:
Sidehustle99 · 19/08/2021 09:14

FIL should move in with Auntie - why spoil two houses. What a disgrace of a man. I don't know why you would be civil to him. I couldn't not for a couple of birthday and Christmas presents for the kids.
Why hasn't DH thrown him out of MIL's home? Now you are enabling his behaviour, all of you if you don't do anything about it.
I was with the be civil foe the sake of MIL right up to the last comment. Is this really the example you want to set for your kids?

frerecoler · 19/08/2021 09:15

Oh my goodness your poor MIL, poor DH and poor you!

I would put FIL and AS at the top of my 'hi' and 'bye' list. Obviously there are children to consider and you don't want their relationship with their family to be affected, but I would be making it clear that beyond that there is nothing from your side.

With regards to FIL's further comment, that is self pitying pathetic behaviour. He clearly cannot see how his actions have affected others. I would not be able to keep my mouth closed with regards to that...

BichonFrizz · 19/08/2021 09:16

They're staying together for financial reasons not love so your father in law is probably always going to behave horribly. Because he doesn't care enough not to. He's writing himself out of his families life through his actions.

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 09:17

MIL wants us to be civil, only reason I stop myself from saying every word in my head.

So, we are going to be polite but distant to Aunty Susie. What do I do about mini family holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 09:20

@BichonFrizz that is very true. He has written himself out of the family.

MIL probably needs to accept that this is not going to be the last affair and make peace with the fact she has secure roof over her head, her grand kids on the next street and enough money to have dinner with her and get her hair done. She would not be able to afford this if she left. It is truly awful.

OP posts:
Suprima · 19/08/2021 09:25

[quote Iamsososoexcited]@BichonFrizz that is very true. He has written himself out of the family.

MIL probably needs to accept that this is not going to be the last affair and make peace with the fact she has secure roof over her head, her grand kids on the next street and enough money to have dinner with her and get her hair done. She would not be able to afford this if she left. It is truly awful.[/quote]
Even so, it’s a horrible way to spend her last few years. She could be entitled to some of his private pension? It might be worth speaking to a solicitor.

His recent comment shows how callous he is. Imagine what he is saying to her at home alone.

Phobiaphobic · 19/08/2021 09:26

Very difficult situation. I would find it very hard to interact with FIL or the horrible aunty. I've known people separate at that age and older, and it's a shame MIL can't slough off these horrible people and live the remainder of her life with dignity and happiness.

notapizzaeater · 19/08/2021 09:26

She would be entitled to a share of your FIL pension plus she'd get more single person pension. You're a long time dead - does she really want to live like this ?

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 09:37

I'd actually take her to get some legal advice. I'm pretty sure she would be entitled to some of fil private pension

knittingaddict · 19/08/2021 09:45

Who did aunty send these texts to? Your husband?

If it was I can't believe she was that insensitive. Did anyone reply to these texts and say what you thought of her attitude and possible future actions? That would be my first move. I would be having strong words with someone like that and then it's up to her what she does about contact with you all. She would be told in no uncertain terms that it's mum who you will be supporting.

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