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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL Affair

95 replies

Iamsososoexcited · 19/08/2021 08:18

So please help me! I have no idea what is the correct way to respond in this situation so I am looking for some guidance.

Background: We found out at the start of the year that my FIL has been having an affair for the past 3 years. My lovely MIL was heartbroken. It turns out that FIL is a bit of a serial cheat and this is not the first time. Anyway, they are now in their mid 70s and for financial reasons they cannot separate. They have to work it out. We did not see FIL for 6 months as my DH was so angry at what he had done to his mother. Slowly, as FIL is staying in the family we have started to see him at BBQs and family lunches. Everyone is being nice, more to support MIL. Inwardly we are all seething at him.

Here is my AIBU, in the midst of all this FIL’s sister, let’s call her Aunty Susie, has basically totally taken FIL’s side. She has sent texts justifying the affair on the grounds MIL was horrid (she isn’t) and that she will keep his secret if he wants to carry on cheating etc.

So now here is my problem. Aunty Susie still wants to be part of my life and the kids lives, sending gifts for birthdays and nice posts on social media.

Part of me thinks, if we are prepared to tolerate the cheater, we should be nice to Aunty Susie.

The other part of me feels that Aunty Susie has deliberately hurt my MIL at a time when she was at her weakest. I know MIL has been so upset that Susie hasn’t been any support to her despite their very close friendship spanning 45 years.

So what would you do?

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/08/2021 10:32

I think by allowing Auntie Susie to express these opinions about MIL, continuing to like her social media posts and thank you notes and invites, that it is just condoning and normalising her behaviour to your MIL. Which is based on AS trying to condone and normalise FIL's horrible behaviour.
Its such a difficult situation for you, but I would find it hard to maintain an awkward relationship with a FIL like this in order to maintain contact with the grandchildren. Do the pros really outweigh the cons. Especially when he issues statements like "I might as well have another affair... " because it sounds like he's going to hold that as a threat over your MIL to control her because he thinks she has no options.
An affair is one thing, but this is a whole other issue. If he does that to her, perhaps he is using his potential behaviour towards your vulnerable MIL to control all of you. He's basically saying that there will be consequences if you help her out by giving her a much needed holiday break, that you must do what he wants or you will all suffer. What a prince. I echo the advice of other posters who've said not to accept the situation as a done deal with no room for manoeuvre, but explore with professional advice if there are ways she can leave and perhaps if that happened, you could then decide on what basis you could continue a relationship with FIL. I hope that you can find a workable solution.
However, I can see that this is an absolutely horrible situation for you to be caught up in and you may need to keep a delicate balance so that his behaviour towards her does not escalate.
But setting all of that aside, if we don't stand up to bullies, if we don't call them out and say their behaviour is unacceptable, if we, however reluctantly, condone it by being "polite" and engaging with them as if everything is OK... they won't have any reason to stop the bullying will they?

toyoungtodie · 19/08/2021 10:34

It’s a odd thing all this liking and disliking, as life is so short. I should keep right if everything, as although I am absolutely not in favour of your FIL being unfaithful, who knows what goes on in their marriage.
Of course they should sit down and talk about what’s missing and try and work it out, but some couples just can’t talk.
I still think that you should not involve yourselves in any of it. Your FIls sisters experience with your MIl may have been very different from yours. MiLs usually show a nice side of themselves to DIls. It’s very difficult to see what a marriage is like from the outside anyway.

QueeniesCroft · 19/08/2021 10:36

@Bananarama21

I'd stay out of it's between your mil and fil. Money isn't a reason to stay she's likely scared of being alone.

Money is an excellent reason to stay if leaving means poverty and/or homelessness. Every woman has to make her own decision, it's not for anyone else to judge that, unless there are children at risk of harm.

Thehouseofmarvels · 19/08/2021 10:37

@Iamsososoexcited Is there much equity in the house? If the house is held as joint tennants the house would automatically go to FIL if MIL predeseases him. The risk, if he has a girlfriend is that he could leave everything to the new wife or partner who then leaves it to her own children. If you MIL is adamant she will not divorce could you go with her to a solicitor ? If she wants everything of hers to go to FIL that is her choice but if she does not want to risk her estate ending up in the hands of his affair partner then solicitor to talk about changing ownership to tennants in common.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2021 10:38

@Bananarama21

I'd stay out of it's between your mil and fil. Money isn't a reason to stay she's likely scared of being alone.

First post in and it's nailed it. Nothing else needs to be said really.

OP, don't make waves yourself. SIL's relationship with your MIL is also not your business. Think for yourself and make your own decisions about these people - as they relate to you, not in their dealings with others. Nothing to stop you supporting your MIL if you want to - no need to make other people's issues your own.

Thehouseofmarvels · 19/08/2021 10:41

My concern would be that if you take MIL away FIL might go see his girlfroend and make you all aware of it to deliberately ruin the holiday. Could you get into the habit of having MIL to stay at your house whilst not going anywhere? Then not tell FIL when you take her away on holiday rather than just staying at home. Unless he threstens to see his girlfriend just because you let her stay in your house for a few days.

Anordinarymum · 19/08/2021 10:46

If this Auntie Susie gives your children presents then what is to stop them from thanking her themselves and leaving you out of it OP?

Killahangilion · 19/08/2021 10:48

I’d be helping my MIL to leave and help find her somewhere to rent.

At her age there are lots of retirement village possibilities with potentially lots of new friends on tap.

70 isn’t that old and she could live another 10 or 20 years and gave a happy life!

Not the same scenario as my mum was widowed, but we eventually persuaded her to move to a residential village where she had her own flat and she was so happy there. Said on several occasions that she wished she’d moved much sooner as she was lonely living alone in the family home with all its memories.

Regarding Aunty, I’d cut her out completely as well as FIL. You don’t have to stay in contact with people whose values are so skewed. I definitely wouldn’t be accepting presents from her either.

That only shows that you value material gifts more than your principles.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 19/08/2021 10:51

@Anordinarymum

If this Auntie Susie gives your children presents then what is to stop them from thanking her themselves and leaving you out of it OP?

That we wouldn't do. If I/we would feel so sorely about this person that we feel like this about them then we wouldn't accept gifts for our kids either. That would be really off.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/08/2021 10:57

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

If you've accepted the gifts you need to thank her in my opinion. If you genuinely want nothing to do with her then you should have sent them back. Have you or your husband spoken to her about it? Your husband could at least have a conversation with her along the lines of 'it's going to be difficult to have the same relationship now you've said nasty things about my mum'.

I agree with this.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/08/2021 11:11

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I’m the opposite. We have family members who husband and I don’t speak to who send the kids gifts. I always send them a thank you card back from the kids.
I don’t feel like they’re my gifts to refuse.

70smillie · 19/08/2021 11:18

Civil and polite when you see Aunt Susie. No additional contact and make it very clear when the family are together that you love and support your MIL.

Balgoresboy · 19/08/2021 11:19

''She has sent texts justifying the affair on the grounds MIL was horrid (she isn’t) and that she will keep his secret if he wants to carry on cheating etc. ''

See I am going to go against the grain here. Not condoning the affairs but how well do you really know mil? Maybe auntie knows things you don't. Things aren't always black and white and the ''virtuous injured party '' in these situations aren't always so virtuous in my experience.

I'd remain polite but stay out of it really as it is their business and their marriage.

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2021 11:23

You don't need to do anything about the mini holiday. Ask her on any holiday you please, and she can decide if she wants to come.

You don't need to address this with anyone but her. Be distantly polite to anyone else.

Chickychickydodah · 19/08/2021 11:25

“Thank Susie by text and ignore her on SM. She’s attention seeking to upset MIL.”

This ⬆️

Doomscrolling · 19/08/2021 11:47

Wow, your FIL is a manipulative git, isn't he!

It's DH's place to set contact with his family, really. I'd expect him to talk to his father, making it clear the consequences of FIL's actions are he doesn't get to come on family days out, holidays, celebrations. He should have thought about that before shagging around.

Just because MIL needs to stay for financial reasons and you've all agreed to be polite doesn't mean family life goes on like before. Until FIL - and AS - can demonstrate respect and consideration towards MIL, you can basically ignore them,.

moanymyrtle · 19/08/2021 11:50

Why not switch to Whatsapp group for communicating with those relatives you do get on with and want to share photos with, leave FIL and Aunt off the group and tell everyone you've decided you dont want photos or posts about your kids on SM anymore? My kids hate anything about them being on SM and find it a breach of their privacy. If you put stuff on SM then you cant complain if others do or comment on it. But theres no need to share stuff publicly when you can use private apps. If you stop using SM for family stuff that will automatically reduce contact. Then just send a generic thank you card for any gifts and ignore any nasty texts.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 19/08/2021 11:50

Block aunt and fil's number. Make their audience smaller...

longtompot · 19/08/2021 11:58

Is it possible that your FIL has been feeding his sister a very different version of events? Sounds like he's definitely been badmouthing your MIL to her.

I suspect this has been happening. There is another post on here where the OP has just found out that her good friends who were "not taking sides" in her and her ex's split, have just torn her down. It's a very sad read, and made her realise that her ex has been telling very different stories to what is actually happening. It's on page 6, but I do have it set to show the max posts per page.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4283258-The-One-Where-Geller-Proves-He-Is-As-Useful-As-A-Chocolate-Teapot?noti=1&utm_source=watchedthreads&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=2020-02-27&utm_term=Mumsnet%3A+New+message+on+thread+To+think+OH+is+a+miserable+git&rei=53034#110062677

Erwhatno · 19/08/2021 14:06

Your poor mil. She def needs legal advice

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