DS refusing to try on his school uniform

[GadyLaLa]

DS has just turned 4 & he starts school in September. He’s currently being assessed for ASD & has an EHCP for starting school. He has some sensory issues, especially with clothing.
I’ve bought all his school uniform & I’m trying to encourage him to try it on, even just 1 item. He gets quite upset at the mere mention of the uniform & won’t even look at it, never mind try it on.
I’m dreading his first day at school as I know he’s going to refuse to wear it, & I don’t know whether I need to be firm & insist he wears it/force it on him, or if I should just let him wear what he wants & send the uniform in with him.
I know I sound silly but I feel I’ll be gutted if he doesn’t wear it - I don’t want him to stand out like a sore thumb & be labelled as ‘different’ right from the word go, & I don’t want to be judged by other parents for not dressing him correctly. I’m feeling like a bit of a failure about it all.
But equally I definitely don’t want him to be distressed/uncomfortable & hate school because of the uniform.
I’ve spoken briefly to the school’s SENCO & she was a bit like “it’ll be fine, don’t worry” but I don’t think he’ll magically change his mind about it & just wear it.
Any tips, or anyone with any experience of this kind of thing & how you got around it?

I totally empathise! We have the same issue with my youngest DS who is starting secondary school this September and has always struggled with school uniform and has ASD amongst other things!

This summer we have once or twice a week, got him to put his school uniform on and gave him a reward for every minute he had it on - think 10p or a smarties. We started off with just the trousers, then added the shirt etc. It might not work but thought it worth sharing what we’ve done!

I’ve no idea if it will actually mean he will wear the uniform when he goes but fingers crossed!

Good luck 😉

@Pissinthepottyplease

There will be some starting school programs starting on ceebies soon. It maybe worth watching them with him.

You can uniform without seams. I remember my sister having to buy seamless socks.

On Waffle the Wonder Dog (I know, I know) there are a couple of episodes about Evie starting reception. They’re available on BBC iPlayer.

My DS wouldn't have put his school uniform on if it wasn't a school day (don't get me started on wearing non-uniform to school!)

I would hang the uniform where your DS can see it, and drip mention children wear uniform to school, that's what he'll wear when he goes to school etc.

Then don't try to get him to put it on until the first day of school. If he won't wear the tie or even any of it, don't stress, just let the school deal with it. And please don't stress about what other people are thinking about you not having got him dressed.

Even my NT DS had to be taken to school in PJs on one occasion and refused to wear socks for the whole of Reception year

It's great nursery got your DS an EHCP

My DS takes ages to accept new clothes. It helps him to see them in the wash hanging on the line, in his pile to put away (I used to try and get him to help, or at least be in the room while I sorted washing) only once he accepted they wer his would he consider wearing them. It took a while to get used to his school clothes, but at least with uniform it was much easier to sneek the next size in without too much difficulty.

The other thing which worked well was one of those fabric hanging shelf things in his wardrobe. It had 7 slots so I'd stock 5 of them with uniform and the last two with weekend clothes to help him understand which were school days.

That said, he never did manage the school polo shirts and always wore a plain unlogoed t short in the school colours. No one ever passed comment. Except non uniform days, on which he still needed to wear his full school clothes. Even then most people just assumed I'd forgotten.

H&m do long sleeved white polo tops. I'd pick up a couple of them and some soft joggers in the same colour as his school trousers.

SENCO can be alerted then that he will arrive in any combination of the suitable clothes depending on how he is that day.

We hung our dd uniform up and bribed our way into getting her to wear it by saying the day before (and well before term started) that it would be uniform in the morning and then ice cream in the afternoon,

Then in the morning she tried to get out of trying it on so we casually said that's ok maybe we'll try again tomorrow. But she wanted that ice cream. Once she then put it on we loaded up with tons of praise and photo taking. I still have the 50 pics on my phone if her in a uniform far too big with price labels sticking out everywhere

Occasionally we have the same issue before the next school year but overall it's gotten sooo much better with age.

Meant to say we hung it up for a long time before trying again so she could see it there and be familiar with it

Can I just say that my son started his (special) secondary school wearing his shirt and school trousers under a specific character costume every day for months. Even now he refuses to wear the jumper, blazer or clip on tie. He has never liked bulky clothing and won't wear coats or jumpers v often. When he was v little I used to put him in several layers of t shirts.

I would completely stop talking about school now until maybe the week before. Don't bring it up, don't get him to watch TV shows, don't get him to help you wash the uniform. Just enjoy the summer.

I found almost every book or TV show about school introduced some sort of worry my ds had never had before. For example "Jimmy was worried he wouldn't find the peg with his name on but he found it and everything was great", my kid had never thought to worry about whether he would find his peg, but he did after reading that book.

If he has his EHCP then the school will make allowances for what he's wearing. As for the other parents, you'll find out which ones are understanding or have their own tricky experiences to share, you'll find out which ones have no empathy whatsoever.

My ds wears plain black jogging trousers rather than school trousers. I explained it was black joggers or nothing really and no-one questioned it again. He will wear a v neck jumper but not the official school round neck jumper so we just buy those in the right colour. He wears plain black trainers rather than school shoes. Pick your battles, there will be plenty of them to come.

Don't fight it.

Try for long sleeved polo t shirt or go for normal one in school colours if not. Black or grey joggers depending on school colours and school jumper - or shove that in his bag.

He'll have so much to contend with with regards new rules and routines it's not worth overloading him with clothing sensory issues too.

Thanks again for more great advice.
The uniform has been hanging up in his room today, he’s not seemed bothered by it but he’s not acknowledged it or mentioned it at all, & neither have I. I think I’ll leave it there for now whilst it doesn’t seem to be stressing him out, & then in a couple of weeks I’ll see if he wants to try it on again. I’ll definitely try washing it, social stories etc too,
I did buy some story books about starting school which DS let me read to him, but they were a bit confusing for him! One had a storyline where the kid took his teddy to school with him but the teacher told him to put teddy back in his bag & it ended up nearly getting lost which DS didn’t like. The other was a bit metaphorical, about a bird flying the nest - DS was more interested in the bird storyline than the bits about school, so the meaning was lost! Think I’ll stick to CBeebies!
My mum thinks I need to be clear with DS that wearing school uniform is non-negotiable & that he needs to know he has to wear it right from day 1 & every day after. She feels if I start off by letting him wear what he wants then I’ll be making a rod for my own back & he’ll think all he has to do is scream about it & I’ll give in Does she have a point?

No she doesn't - but I've heard all that myself over the years.

My favourite comparison is asking what people are scared of. (Spiders/heights etc)

I ask how they'd feel if they had to work with a tarantula in a cage on their desk daily or on the 15th floor with a glass floor?

How would you feel everyday going to work? Yes, you may eventually get use to it but what damage has occurred to your MH, trust of those in charge and your ability to carry out your duties in the meantime?

My ds struggled with clothing and now he's tolerating differing things such as chino trousers and shorts (he's 17 now!). We've found something he's comfy in so he has 2 pairs of chino trousers and 3 shorts in exactly the same style but different colours

And by take I mean they are all Tesco F and F and exactly the same apart from the colour!

Not read the full thread, sorry, but mum of three, one of whom has ASD. I would wash it a few times so that it smells "right" and is softer. Might not help but certainly helped with my DS.

Also the thing about him not being "that kid". For my son autism made him "that kid". He wasn't ever one of the cool kids - he didn't fit in with them at all. However he had and still has (he's 15 now) a small group of good, like-minded friends. I guess what I'm saying is that the uniform won't make that much difference in the long run. There will be kids that won't get on with your ds - there is for every child. But the uniform won't be make or break.

OP, can I gently ask how much research your mum has done regarding ASD, I think that if you both look at all the information out there it will be so helpful for you all.

Your lovely son will get to school and wear what he feels comfortable in, and you know, thats just fine.

Your mum sounds like she doesn’t have a clue about ASD for a start. She needs to do some research.

My dd has ASD, I know our kids need preparing for things in advance but for us that doesn’t always work, sometimes it’s best not to mention it too much or it just makes anxiety higher. I would just leave the uniform hanging in his room and don’t mention it, just enjoy the rest of the summer holidays without stressing about it. If September comes and he refuses to wear it then I’m sure school will understand, chances are he will see others wearing it and will then want to wear his? My daughter loves following rules at school so is happy to wear uniform, occasionally she will try and wear black joggers instead of school trousers but her school is pretty understanding.

I'd agree with wearing what looks similar but having the real thing as back up incase they feel left out after all. Pic of relative dressed up and social story. Unfair to make small kids wear shirts and ties!

Mine (older) winces with sensory discomfort putting uniform on and the second they get in they change.

The key for us is wearing comfort clothes (long sleeve top) under the shirt - yes even in summer! And for them to have the top 2 buttons of the shirt undone regardless of rules. When the jumper goes on top it all sort of clings to them so it's more comforting.

Also, trousers are worn much lower so I have to buy massive waists and take them up!

Please don't worry with what ifs, try and take it as it comes.

Is it uncomfortable for him? Ds wore black jogging bottoms and a white polo short for the whole of primary school due to sensory issues (he wasn't diagnosed until year 4 but the school were still fine with him wearing slightly different clothing).

I don’t think my mum really ‘believes’ he has ASD to be honest - I know that makes her sound bad & she’s not at all. But she finds it difficult because it wasn’t us (me & DH) who were initially concerned about DS & thought he might have ASD, it was nursery. Nursery suggested to us that he be assessed, whereas we thought he was just shy/quiet/did things in his own way at his own pace etc. So she’s very much of the mindset that we know him best & nursery are fussing over nothing just because he doesn’t tick every box on their ticklist, so to speak. Plus because he hasn’t actually got a diagnosis yet she thinks that means he hasn’t officially got autism.
Admittedly DH & I were a bit of the same mindset too at first, when nursery first raised their concerns. But in the 2 years since then, it’s become apparent that maybe nursery are right, & I massively appreciate all the help & support they’ve given us & DS. I’m maybe still a little bit in denial about it all, I don’t know really. But all I want is for him to be happy & comfortable, I’d do absolutely anything for him & I want to support him in the best way possible, in whatever ways he needs.

School should be obliging about the shirt and tie issue (if not - let alarm bells make a very small warning jangle). DD2 has dyspraxia and probable autism and, especially after all the lockdowns and not wearing much more than PJs or leggings and t-shirts, had no hand and finger strength to be able to do up shirt buttons and as for ties... fuck god no.

I did just write to the SENCO saying that as a result of her motor skills issues and muscle tone related to her diagnosis, as a reasonable adjustment to her needs, she would be wearing a white polo shirt and no tie - didn't ask permission, but was very polite and just told them it was happening that way - was absolutely no problem.

I'd also ask school if you can come into the building on one of the inset/admin days just to get him to see the building. Mine have just transferred schools (long long story - they really have not showered themselves with glory) and, although Covid had scuppered any plans for them to look around while the kids were there and the like, the Head was very obliging about letting us all come and look round one evening when the kids had gone home (we then started them right toward the end of the school year so there wasn't a big change hanging over them for the whole summer).

My mum kind of struggles to process the levels of DD2's difficulties - we just had an updated SALT report done which showed what I knew was already there in terms of difficulties with particular areas of language - but it did absolutely wobble my mum's world completely to see it all written down in black and white the level she struggles with some things.

The thing with your mum is that it doesn’t really matter what she thinks - he either has additional needs or he doesn’t. Her opinion doesn’t change this. It can be very difficult for those children who are perhaps on the borderline of presenting in a neurodiverse way (my own child is like this - 90% of the time he ‘passes’ as NT but the other 10% is what matters for him). And I would say that his age means that he is more likely to display traits as he gets older. When I look at my 7yo he is much more clearly autistic to me than he was at age 4.

We have a family member who sounds a little like your child and I find it very frustrating that his parents can’t see that he likely has some needs. Again, like your child he is at the quieter end of the behavioural spectrum (unlike my child who is very demonstrative), so they don’t see the issue. But he has some needs/accommodations that are way beyond normal kid stuff, and actually he has fairly challenging behaviour (his behaviour is generally appalling) but he’s not disruptive with it. They can’t see it at all. My child is generally better behaved but when he loses it the whole street knows.

What I’m trying to say is that if you are thinking about your child and his needs he’s basically already won. So many kids are not spotted, not advocated for, and don’t have someone thinking about how to support them. You carry on, sounds like you’re doing a great job!

Reception class isn't like full-on school, though. A good one is full of play-based learning activities and lots of choices inside and out. I do think it's hard for all the children who couldn't do familiarisation visits, though, especially those who are neuro-diverse.

My 7 yo DD refused school uniform for most of the first half term. School said to send her in the closest thing to uniform and she'd be fine. I have lots of photos of her in plain white tshirts and shorts because thats all she'd wear. She got the hang of it.

She's not Autistic but has other sensory issues. But she did surprise me because she loved the uniform from her private pre-school.

She's mostly ok now, still has days where she refuses the polo shirt and school just roll with it.

He'll be fine in whatever you can get him in.

Is he actually starting on the first day? I’d take him for a walk past the school at leaving time so he can see all the children in their uniforms. I agree with showing photos of family and friends in their uniforms.