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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS refusing to try on his school uniform

102 replies

GadyLaLa · 18/08/2021 20:34

DS has just turned 4 & he starts school in September. He’s currently being assessed for ASD & has an EHCP for starting school. He has some sensory issues, especially with clothing.
I’ve bought all his school uniform & I’m trying to encourage him to try it on, even just 1 item. He gets quite upset at the mere mention of the uniform & won’t even look at it, never mind try it on.
I’m dreading his first day at school as I know he’s going to refuse to wear it, & I don’t know whether I need to be firm & insist he wears it/force it on him, or if I should just let him wear what he wants & send the uniform in with him.
I know I sound silly but I feel I’ll be gutted if he doesn’t wear it - I don’t want him to stand out like a sore thumb & be labelled as ‘different’ right from the word go, & I don’t want to be judged by other parents for not dressing him correctly. I’m feeling like a bit of a failure about it all.
But equally I definitely don’t want him to be distressed/uncomfortable & hate school because of the uniform.
I’ve spoken briefly to the school’s SENCO & she was a bit like “it’ll be fine, don’t worry” but I don’t think he’ll magically change his mind about it & just wear it.
Any tips, or anyone with any experience of this kind of thing & how you got around it?

OP posts:
ICantFindTheBuffet · 18/08/2021 22:02

I found the cbeebies 'Time for school' show really helpful with my DD last year, she could see it wasn't much different from nursery and everyone was wearing the same things.

She wouldn't try on her uniform either. I managed to get her to try on the Cardi one time. The skirt another time. Not together just individually. The shoes were tried on in the shop. She wouldn't try on the polo shirts. Mid year we ended up changing her polo shirts to the sensory kind ones from George at asda. They have Velcro instead of buttons and she was much happier with these so maybe give them a go.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 18/08/2021 22:09

Dd never tried her uniform on before starting school. I just had to hope I had the sizes right. She is autistic but wasn't diagnosed then. She was absolutely fine on the day.
It wasn't any better when she started secondary. She'd tried one of my jackets on so I could gauge what size blazer she needed by trying it on myself.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 18/08/2021 22:12

Is it worth talking to the school and asking about any little changes you might make to the uniform to make it fit his needs a bit better while maintaining the general cosmetic appearance?

Eg
Long sleeved polo top
Velcro fastening shirt
Plain joggers instead of school trousers

I would also say could it be that he is really just apprehensive about school, and the uniform is an embodiment of that?

Original poster
GadyLaLa · 18/08/2021 22:22

I think a shirt & tie is a bit much to expect at 4. I feel reassured to know that no one seems horrified at the thought of me sending him not in full uniform. I know I sound shallow & like I’ve got my priorities all wrong, but it really has been bothering me to think others might look at him & wonder why I’ve not bothered to get him dressed properly.
Autism isn’t confirmed yet, but looking likely. Nursery really pushed for the EHCP, I’ll admit I initially felt it was overkill & they were analysing every little thing about him too much (think I’m a bit in denial about it all) but I’m relieved & grateful that he has one now, as I think he will need it & will benefit from it.

So does this sound like a genuine issue with clothes/the thought of school? I wasn’t sure if it’s just a battle of wills/him trying to gain some control/being stubborn, or a proper sensory thing where he actually can’t stand the feel of certain clothes on him?

OP posts:
Spongeboob · 18/08/2021 22:26

If he's only just turned 4 is there the option to defer?

Sirzy · 18/08/2021 22:29

I agree wash things first, ds is 11 and everything has to be washed before he will wear it.

I wokld be tempted to just send him in the PE kit to avoid battles with him.

LizzieBet14 · 18/08/2021 22:37

@Spanglemum

A shirt and tie at 4???? He's not even legally obliged to go to school. If he has autism he won't care what other people are wearing and thinking of him. I would try for as near as possible with the uniform. Hanging it in his room for now is a good idea. Good luck, try out M and S adaptive uniform. The most important thing is him settling happily into school.
My daughter has autism and cares very much what people think about her. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not......
Original poster
GadyLaLa · 18/08/2021 22:37

I’ve not considered deferring, I feel like I don’t want to but I don’t know why not really. On one hand I hope a change of scenery/new environment (i.e. school instead of nursery) will be a good thing for him & just what he needs. On the other hand I feel he’s really young & not really ready for it yet.

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 18/08/2021 22:44

My dc with autism are desperate to fit in so very much care what people think which adds to their anxiety ! Re shirt and tie i didn't think there was a hope in hell of mine wearing it, but one ds with sensory seeking behaviours actually liked the pressure feeling .Next and asda do shirts wear the top half buttons are actualy a velcro fastening so they go on and off like a polo shirt ( not the m+s ones which velcro all the way down and are a nightmare for them to match up if it all comes undone ) other DS leaves the top velcro tab very loosely across do its sort of done up but he doesn't fee trapped by it.

chipshopElvis · 18/08/2021 22:45

My DS is at secondary now but I've had to cut out labels, buy soft shirts and trousers. I bought 3 lots of socks one year as they were deemed itch or too soft!! In the end my sons love of rule following has trumped the sensory issues but shirts are still a problem. Can you wash everything to death so that it's soft and start wearing individual items with other clothes now so they aren't so scary?

Didiplanthis · 18/08/2021 22:45

Also one of mine wears a very thin white long sleeved baselayer under the shirt as he doesn't like feeing it move against his skin.

cansu · 18/08/2021 22:46

The uniform sounds bonkers - shirt and tie for a four year old! Anyway, I would take the approach that you will try.

  1. Social story about school including pictures of the uniform.
  2. Leaving the clothes around so he sees them. Maybe put them in a drawer and label it with school clothes.

Have a back up plan ready for the day so let SENCO know that he may not manage uniform. Don't feel stressed or worried about this. Clothes are not the most important thing.

Doifollowrule · 18/08/2021 22:54

I would consider deferring if not too late... It is so young for school, respectably with additional needs...

JeffVaderneedsatray · 18/08/2021 23:05

My DD has an ASC and massive sensory issues. School uniform has always been a complete nightmare. I made her primary school uniform.
When she was due to start secondary I went and spoke to the HT about a 'reasonable adjustment' to the uniform so she wears a polo shirt rather than a shirt etc.
I suppose I did that at primary too in a sense although it was more 'DD is wearing this instead of this, that's fine isn't it?'
For secondary I ahd to wheel out the term reasonable adjustment.

With DD all clothes have to be in the house for days until she will even consider trying them on. I used to have to wash them which made returning a pain. Now she will try on for a microsecond.

My DS also has an ASC. he had no sensory issues but stood out for a myriad of other reasons - I once left an assembly in tears because he was right at the front, sitting on the floor with his fingers in his ears while the others sang a happy song and parents around me pointed and whispered about 'that naughty boy'. So I totally get you wanting him to not stand out. xxx

Jent13c · 18/08/2021 23:18

What about a long sleeved soft white polo? It wouldn't be too much different from his normal long sleeved tops and wouldn't be as stiff as a shirt. In pictures and everything they wouldn't be able to tell the difference so he wouldn't feel like the odd one out.

Are you in England? In Scotland (especially NE) people are very pro deferring to the point where I was criticised for sending mine at 4. If they are born between Dec and Feb you automatically get a full extra year funded at nursery. I have seen people on mumsnet saying that its not really the done thing in England and there are more hoops to jump through.

Bagamoyo1 · 18/08/2021 23:20

I would defer, without doubt. DS1 is an August birthday. He’s neurotypical but was a very sensitive little boy, and I knew he wasn’t ready for school when he had just turned 4. Back in those days you couldn’t defer for a whole year - only a term - so that’s what I did. It was absolutely the right thing. Those 4 months from September to January made all the difference. I still wish I could have deferred a year though. In your place OP I would defer the full year.

NewlyGranny · 18/08/2021 23:23

DS cried when he saw his first school uniform laid out. "I don't want to wear all that grey!" was his protest. He'd always been dressed in lovely, vibrant colours.

He's all grown up now and got over it, but still likes colourful clothes.

thelegohooverer · 18/08/2021 23:44

When ds was about 4 he refused to wear new pjs I had bought and eventually, (I’m going to sound like a monster after all these calm, compassionate posts) I put them on him. As soon as they were on, he looked down at himself and relaxed and was happy to wear them. It was as if he had built it up in his head that something terrible would happen if he put them on. For ages after that, if he was hesitating about something new we’d talk about the pjs and it would give him confidence that he could handle the change.

I’d have approached it differently in other circumstances. But we were on a ferry, with no other pjs available and he also couldn’t handle sleeping in his clothes or without any so the options were limited.

There wasn’t a logical (from a neurotypical
point of view) reason for his fear of the pjs. And as soon as he looked down at his body in them, the fear and distress instantly vanished. I wish I could understand more of what was going on for him.

It’s still very difficult for him to adapt to new clothes. I’ve often insisted on him trying something on for size (this helps as he knows it’s literally for seconds) just to get over that neophobic instinct.

It doesn’t work for everything - t-shirts and shorts are out of the question. He will only wear dark coloured trousers, etc.

I am very insistent with him about trying new things. Our understanding is that it’s fine for him to say no to something once he’s tried it. I think it has made a considerable difference to his (our) quality of life.

I’m just sharing because it’s an alternative perspective. With ds, the advice to go very gently by increments often didn’t work and would result in huge distress. He seemed calmer and happier with tougher boundaries and rules as long as they were clear and consistent. In his case hanging the uniform in view would be like having a constant threatening presence. Obviously it works well for some dc though.

MummyGummy · 19/08/2021 00:15

It could be related to anxiety about starting school. Has he been able to visit the school at all? Maybe once he starts and gets used to it he will become more willing to wear the uniform. It might help once he’s there and sees the other children wearing it as well.

For now it might be best to not keep trying to get him to try it on, as that may increase his anxiety and create negative associations with it.

Put it away and on the first day of school give him a choice eg trousers or joggers, shirt or T-shirt, jumper or similar coloured sweatshirt/hoodie etc

My ds is autistic and for a few years couldn't stand anything tight being pulled over his head so he wore a zip up hoodie in the same colour as his school jumper.

Initially school tried to argue against it but the phrase ‘reasonable adjustments’ is your friend, plus you can get it added to his EHCP.

Original poster
GadyLaLa · 19/08/2021 00:17

Thanks for all the advice. I so know that feeling of wanting to cry/leave places because DS just isn’t co-operating like everyone else’s kids seem to be.
I’ve always tried to have a very gentle, calm approach with DS as it seems to work best for him, but it’s invited lots of eye-rolling from people I know who clearly think I’m being too soft with him & letting him run rings around me. It’s hard to know if they’re right or not, & I’m not the most confident person, I tend to question myself a lot.
There have been times where I’ve forcibly dressed him out of sheer frustration & needing to get somewhere on time, but doing that is physically a struggle & it’s just horrible to have to do. But I definitely see your point! Sometimes he is eventually ok with it & conforms, other times he’s ripped the clothes straight off again & I’ve had to leave it. I don’t always know whether it’s a tantrum/battle of wills thing or a genuine can’t-bear-the-feel-of-these clothes-on-me-thing. Shorts and t-shirts have been an absolute no no this year, he’s been hysterical just at the sight of them so I haven’t made him wear them. But he wore them fine all last Summer?!
I’m in England & as far as I know deferring isn’t really a thing here, not amongst anyone I know anyway. I didn’t even consider it or really know it was an option. I don’t like the thought of him not starting in September to be honest, but maybe only because it’s not considered the norm here.

OP posts:
ozymandiusking · 19/08/2021 00:24

I always wash new clothes. They are always so stiff too. So wash his and iron them and let him see you doing this. Possibly if they smell of your washing liquid, powder, and fabric conditioner that might make him feel slightly better about them.
As a previous poster said let him wear his usual clothes, and send his new ones into school with him. I'm sure he will want to wear them in no time.

Original poster
GadyLaLa · 19/08/2021 00:27

Unfortunately he’s not been able to visit school, all the taster sessions got cancelled due to covid. We’ve watched a virtual tour of the classroom which he seemed mildly interested in, & his teacher did a little video introducing herself but he doesn’t want to watch that. We’ve walked past school a few times & looked through the railings into the playground. The first time we went he cried & wouldn’t look, but he’s been better & a bit more interested the other times we’ve been.

I don’t know whether to really push next week & get the uniform on him, in the hope that he’ll realise he has to wear it & it’s not that bad. Or put it away for now (like someone said it might be a constant, stressful reminder for him just hanging there in his room), try it again on the first day & put PE kit on him if he refuses to wear it.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 00:34

Some of teachers will be in school before kids come back. Get in touch to see if you can do a walk through with him. So they can show him his peg, his seat etc in quiet calm setting. Then ask about routine in school so you can create social story - arriving at school, putting coat away etc.