DS refusing to try on his school uniform

[GadyLaLa]

DS has just turned 4 & he starts school in September. He’s currently being assessed for ASD & has an EHCP for starting school. He has some sensory issues, especially with clothing.
I’ve bought all his school uniform & I’m trying to encourage him to try it on, even just 1 item. He gets quite upset at the mere mention of the uniform & won’t even look at it, never mind try it on.
I’m dreading his first day at school as I know he’s going to refuse to wear it, & I don’t know whether I need to be firm & insist he wears it/force it on him, or if I should just let him wear what he wants & send the uniform in with him.
I know I sound silly but I feel I’ll be gutted if he doesn’t wear it - I don’t want him to stand out like a sore thumb & be labelled as ‘different’ right from the word go, & I don’t want to be judged by other parents for not dressing him correctly. I’m feeling like a bit of a failure about it all.
But equally I definitely don’t want him to be distressed/uncomfortable & hate school because of the uniform.
I’ve spoken briefly to the school’s SENCO & she was a bit like “it’ll be fine, don’t worry” but I don’t think he’ll magically change his mind about it & just wear it.
Any tips, or anyone with any experience of this kind of thing & how you got around it?

I'd also chat with teacher that he may be better coming in a bit earlier and getting g settled at his desk before everyone comes into the room

I feel you pain. One of mine has to wear everything super tight and trousers cannot touch his shoes. I ended up buying all new school trousers last year in smaller size just to stop the morning battles.

Could you bribe him to put on just one item, just shirt or jumper say with his own trousers to go for a Mcdonalds this week so he has a positive association? And do that a couple of times, then team them with his trousers for another occasion and build up slowly.

I'm autistic.
Does he think the rule is you wear uniform to school. Today is not a school day, therefore I cannot wear uniform.
Does he think if I don't put the uniform on, then I won't have to go to school?
Does he understand that he is still him if he wears different clothes?
These are all ways my mind would work.
What would help me would be if you didn't go on about it but every morning said something like "Today is Tuesday. In twenty sleeps we will get up and you will go to school. But that's not today. Today we are going to do x."
If he says No just say Yes and then distract.

That’s really helpful @Lovinghannah thanks. I think he thinks if he doesn’t put the uniform on then he won’t have to go. He generally refuses to get dressed if he doesn’t want to go somewhere, I think he knows it’s something he can control & he knows I’m not going to take him out with nothing on.
Any mention of school & he will say “but it’s not today is it, only later”.
He goes to nursery 3 days a week & I have to count down for him each day i.e. “2 more days & then you’re done”.

Shirt & tie for a 4 year old? Hell no!
Uniform in infants is unenforceable so I would just send him in the PE uniform if that's what he would be comfortable in.

My DS has ADHD & sensory issues, he wore the uniform but it was polo, trousers & sweatshirt so not so uncomfortable but he did wear wellies for 2 years straight (even to bed)

Just turned 4 seems very young to be starting school - is that standard? Could you defer him for a year?

Oh OP- you can get long sleeved polos from M&S if the sleeve length is an issue!

Honestly, I would just forget all about school until a couple of days before starting. At that point I would get into his ‘this is me’ task or whatever he has to prepare to go in (most schools do something like this to show the teacher what the child is interested in). I’d also watch the finishing nursery and starting school episodes of (the loathsome) Topsy and Tim.

If you can talk to him about his worries I would do that (accept it might not be possible). I have a child with Asperger’s and unpacking what he is worried about is key for him. He also wouldn’t try on uniform ahead of school, a mixture of nerves and sadness that it’s still so far away. But tbh his (presumed) NT brother is similar in this regard anyway.

If the uniform is genuinely a problem because of sensory issues or whatever then school will work with that.

@Lovinghannah gives some really good insight into what some autistic children might be thinking. My child would definitely not be able to put uniform on if not a school day, wouldn’t see the point in trying it on.

He would also try the ‘if I’m not wearing uniform I can’t go to school’ idea if he didn’t love school so much. Luckily, the uniform is part of a big and very predictable routine around school, so if you can get him into and enjoying school you will likely find the getting dressed part easy.

This was my daughter too (also suspected ASD). Anxiety knowing school was on the horizon but not really knowing what to expect. Not wanting to try on the uniform as school uniform is for school so why would she want to put it on on a day she's not going?! I'd recommend putting it all away and not even mentioning school again until a few days beforehand. My daughter spent most of her infant school years in a combination of summer dress and grey trousers. No one minded.

Yes. And my child doesn’t transition well in general - or at least he finds the period of anticipation excruciating. It’s really just best all round if we don’t talk about it at all until the day or the day before.

Can you rephrase it? Casually say: 'Let me know when you are ready to try on your uniform so we can take off any labels if you find them scratchy.'

You could also wash the uniform while he's around and say, 'this will make it all soft and cosy for you.'

He might hate the feel of new scratchy clothes. The trousers and even the shirts can feel a bit stiff at first. Once they look a bit soft and smell of familiar washing powder he might be keener.

Do you think he might have PDA (pathological demand avoidance) as part of his ASD?

You could try some of the strategies listed here and see if they help:
www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

My daughter hates labels and I have to be careful in the way in which they are cut out. Not sure if they do them in the boys section but you can get jersey type material Polo tops which my DD prefers. She won’t wear jeans material in any fashion.

On the other hand all through home schooling she wore her school uniform every day and couldn’t be convinced she didn’t have to for home schooling.

Excellent website @NameChange30

I don't have autism, but I was a quite unusual child. I refused to wear the school uniform - I hated the colour, I hated uniform trousers, I didn't like jumpers going over my head. I ended up wearing a navy cardigan and combats or shorts instead of a maroon jumper and grey trousers/skirt. I'm sure it was jolly annoying but it wasn't the hill my parents decided to die in, and by the time I'd got to secondary school I knew it was non optional and we just found the comfiest things we could which were allowed.

Thanks for the advice. I’ve been so focused on preparing him for school & assuming he’ll need longer to process it all because it takes him longer to come round to things. But maybe I’m going on about it too much & building it up & stressing him out. It’s a few weeks off yet, as someone said earlier that will feel like forever away to him.
I’ll get some of those long sleeve polo shirts, I think I’ll have more luck getting him to wear those than shirts. If he’ll wear school trousers too then he won’t be too far off proper uniform, hopefully that’ll be an acceptable compromise. I’ll put him in PE kit in the worst case scenario, & send the rest of the uniform in his bag.
Thanks so much to everyone for reassuring me. I’ve built it up in my head as being such a big deal & been having visions of turning up to school with him in just his underpants an hour late because I can’t get him dressed! I think it’ll all go much smoother & easier for both of us if I take the focus off the uniform & just go with the flow a bit more!

And to be clear as well I don't remember anyone being difficult about what's I wore or it meaning friends were less friendly.

If you see a private OT paediatric they might be able to give you a recommendation. My DS ASD spd etc doesn't wear the uniform only school cotton tracksuit.

M&S sell sensory issues uniforms. No labels and soft material.

@NameChange30 that’s a brilliant link thank you, very interesting. I’ve never heard of PDA but will certainly look into it & see if it rings any bells with DS. Looks like some great advice on there.
Thanks also for the mentions of social stories, I think DS would like that kind of thing & be able to relate to it.
I’ll let him help me put the uniform in the washer & see if that makes a difference, it does all feel rather stiff & uncomfortable at the moment!

Gina Davies Autism has some excellent suggestions about helping children prepare for school, look her up on Facebook or her website. She suggests things like taking the labels out of the clothes so they aren't scratchy, and washing them with his other clothes every day so that they get softer and smell right. You could write him a social story to help him understand and process. I'd write something like:
My name is X. I will be going to X school. I will be in X class. When I go to school I will wear my school uniform. I will wear ... If I get hot I can take my jumper off. When I go outside I can wear my coat. When I get home from school I can change into my home clothes. Wearing school uniform will be OK.
You can put a picture with each sentence, ideally a photo of the actual school, uniform, coat etc. Depending on his level of understanding, this story might be too long or you might be able to put more detail in. I've taught many many autistic children in special schools and almost all of them have worn uniform so it is achievable for most children.

My dd has sensory issues, which have reduced a lot as she’s got older. She used to be massively anxious about going to school and it got to a stage in yr1 that she would only wear one washed out very soft blouse and was very close to school refusal. I agree with others saying to wash the clothes. I would start washing them now so that they’ve been through a few times and softened.

I used to whirlwind dress dd at the very last minute so she didn’t have to think about what she was doing / wearing. This reduced the stress around going to school. But I appreciate that won’t work with many children as they need routine and transition time.

If your ds won’t wear the uniform, I’d have a few back up white soft tops he will wear. Dd didn’t always wear polos and had a lot of soft thermal vests from M&S. Even if he doesn’t want to wear the shirt, he may still wear the jumper and trousers as long as they’re elasticated and comfortable.

I did struggle to get dd to school on time and a couple of times she flat refused to get dressed. On those days, I sent her in with her school clothes in a bag and the teacher / TA chatted with her about fitting in. She also wore a headscarf as a security blanket every day from year 1 onwards when she was struggling to go to school. She alternated between not allowing me to brush her hair to being an absolute tyrant over it and wanting a perfect style. I discussed all this with the teachers and they made a sticker chart for her and she got a sticker for getting ready without fuss and getting to school on time. Teachers became concerned that she’d start to get singled out by about year 3 with her scarf and chatted with her. She did stop wearing it. But perhaps your ds could take some kind of security blanket with him?

I also think you should consider deferring. When your child is older, you really will wonder why you were so adamant tbh. There wasn’t an option to defer when dd was little. She’s 13 now. She was ready for school developmentally. But the change and restrictions surrounding were difficult for her to handle. She was the only I was the only child, who cried and wanted me at drop off throughout reception and into yr1.

Above all, don’t worry too much about clothes. The few parents that discussed this with a understood. One had a dd, who refused to wear knickers and took them off as soon as she turned her back and managed a couple of times to go in bare bummed. Another refused to wear socks. The school have seen this all before. But it is monumentally shit that they expect littlies to wear a shirt and tie. So if your ds won’t wear these items, I wouldn’t be too concerned just yet.

@bluechameleon

Gina Davies Autism has some excellent suggestions about helping children prepare for school, look her up on Facebook or her website. She suggests things like taking the labels out of the clothes so they aren't scratchy, and washing them with his other clothes every day so that they get softer and smell right. You could write him a social story to help him understand and process. I'd write something like: My name is X. I will be going to X school. I will be in X class. When I go to school I will wear my school uniform. I will wear ... If I get hot I can take my jumper off. When I go outside I can wear my coat. When I get home from school I can change into my home clothes. Wearing school uniform will be OK. You can put a picture with each sentence, ideally a photo of the actual school, uniform, coat etc. Depending on his level of understanding, this story might be too long or you might be able to put more detail in. I've taught many many autistic children in special schools and almost all of them have worn uniform so it is achievable for most children.

This idea of washing them with his other clothes lots beforehand is brilliant. Also the social stories.