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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

next door neighbour complaining about ds

92 replies

cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 12:35

id start by saying he is more then fair and has been extremely tolerant. My son had severe asd and has extreme meltdowns some of which happen on the flat stair which makes them even noisy. I literally do all i can to stop him including looking for a detached house to move too ( not easy due to needing to stay where we are due to schooling etc. We are nightmare neighbours:( what else can i do? Ive been thinking of a gift for him?

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/08/2021 12:38

Have you got a good relationship with your neighbour? Could you explain about the ASD?

PearlclutchersInc · 18/08/2021 12:40

I'm sure your neighbour realises that your son has a condition and isnt making noise because he's a selfish git (which is what most people take the hump with).

I expect that you've explained the situation to them?

TheStarMachine · 18/08/2021 12:41

Is your neighbour aware of why this is happening? I wouldn't say you are nightmare neighbours because you can't help it. Nightmare neighbours don't care about how they impact on others and you obviously do.

I think an honest apology for the noise and an explanation should be enough. If he is reasonable he should understand you are doing your best.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 18/08/2021 12:43

Yes by all means take a small gift, but also explain about the ASD and all the measures you take to try and minimise the impact on your neighbours. He really needs to be as tolerant as possible with you.
I really feel for you, it must be difficult Flowers

gannett · 18/08/2021 12:46

Does your neighbour know about the ASD?

I'd pop over with a little gift (just wine or chocs) and to apologise in person. Explain about the ASD, you know how annoying it must be, you're doing your best but sometimes it can't be helped.

I'd offer to compare timetables - if the neighbour knows the times you know you and DS will be out of the house, for instance, he knows he'll get some quiet then.

I've been the neighbour in this position and while it doesn't make the noise itself any less annoying, knowing the full situation has helped.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 18/08/2021 12:48

Please don't take him a gift. Unless it's sound-proofing for his home.

Being given a £5 box of chocolates or wine really really really won't make amends for your son making all that disturbance all the time (I know it's not your sons fault though)

Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 12:55

I have explained his asd but i dont think he truly understands what it means and the impact. when he knocked on my door i was already a stressed so i will go later to say sorry and also tell him we will be moving in the near future. Im also going to ask him if there is anything i can do.

OP posts:
Kithic · 18/08/2021 12:57

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Please don't take him a gift. Unless it's sound-proofing for his home.

Being given a £5 box of chocolates or wine really really really won't make amends for your son making all that disturbance all the time (I know it's not your sons fault though)

but it will show that the OP knows that there is a problem and she is trying to deal with it

Don't make glib comments about sound proofing unless your aim is to upset the OP

spikeyfish · 18/08/2021 13:09

We have the same issue. I'm fully aware of the issue and like you do what I can to minimise it. I'm lucky that I have neighbour of the year next door who we have an excellent relationship with. Ultimately all you can do is explain the situation and minimise as you are doing. This isn't your fault or ds's. Try not to get to stressed about it. A gift is a lovely thought and I've done it myself but don't feel like you need to make amends for something you certainly didn't ask for. Challenging behaviour is difficult to deal with. How are you doing op? It's always about our kids but I hope you're doing okay.

Samafe · 18/08/2021 14:17

Our neighbour DS has ASD and he is 4yo. We live in a detached house but he sometimes comes in our garden (maybe twice/week), realizes he is lost and has a meltdown. I then gently speak to him and bring him back. Sometimes I see him running down the street and I go fetch him.
I know his DP are doing the absolute best they can and I am happy to be able to at least indirectly help them.
He is a lovely boy.
Your neighbour will understand.
All the best to you and DSFlowers

Sceptre86 · 18/08/2021 15:53

You don't need to take over a gift and to be honest it sets a silly precedent. Your child has a health condition and meltdowns are an unfortunate part of it. I would hope he would be understanding and appreciate it can happen to anyone. He will need to soundproof his flat as best he can and use noise cancelling headphones etc. You could compare diaries and see if you can keep your son away from home at particular times but I don't see how that would work longterm.

alexdgr8 · 18/08/2021 15:57

why should the victim have to sound proof his flat.
if anyone should, it is the one where the noise is coming from.

bagelsandoranges · 18/08/2021 17:58

It's not right that someone's own home is now disturbed to the point he is uncomfortable. Anyone suggesting he needs to make changes to his home must be incredibly self centered or out of their mind! Absolute cheek. OP you do need to do something more than offer a box of chocolates. Proper soundproofing or move.

Iris2020 · 18/08/2021 18:05

It's a really difficult situation and you're already aware of it.

I think it's realistic of you to be looking for a detached home as nobody's patience is likely to extend to dealing with the level of disruption you describe if it's not from their own child.
I feel incredibly sorry for you as of course you're the main person who is having to deal with the disruption.
Unfortunately, the sacrifices one makes for one's own children just can't be required of neighbours - nobody can legitimately be asked to wear noise-cancelling headphones in your own home. I think the gift idea is nice as it just shows self-awareness.
You can tell him about trying to look for a detached home but he also needs to be aware it will take you time to find it.

I hope you're getting all the support you need.

Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 19:19

@bagelsandoranges

It's not right that someone's own home is now disturbed to the point he is uncomfortable. Anyone suggesting he needs to make changes to his home must be incredibly self centered or out of their mind! Absolute cheek. OP you do need to do something more than offer a box of chocolates. Proper soundproofing or move.
already said we are hoping to move soon. We wont pay for soundproofing until we move.
OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 18/08/2021 20:50

so you are living in a flat, but looking to buy a detached house.
have you come into a lot of money ?

Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 21:02

@alexdgr8

so you are living in a flat, but looking to buy a detached house. have you come into a lot of money ?
my financial situation is none of your business
OP posts:
Therunecaster · 18/08/2021 21:13

@alexdgr8

so you are living in a flat, but looking to buy a detached house. have you come into a lot of money ?
Aren't you a nosy one!
AnonymousA · 18/08/2021 21:24

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santabetterwashhishands · 18/08/2021 21:26

My asd son is loud and I'm sure it must annoy my neighbours but they are very understanding .I think you do need to move ASAP though because a flat is definitely not suitable x

CatchThatCat · 18/08/2021 21:30

OP you sound so thoughtful and I think this will already help diffuse a stressful situation, that you are so conscious of the neighbours . I hope it goes well and that you can end up with your space as it’s not your fault and must be hard enough for you managing stressful meltdowns

Daphnise · 18/08/2021 21:31

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BrightYellowDaffodil · 18/08/2021 21:40

In your NDN's shoes, I'd really appreciate knowing that you're planning to move. I don't mean that nastily but there is so little worse than invasive neighbour noise you can do nothing about. I appreciate that there is a reason for it, but that doesn't make it any more bearable for the person on the receiving end of it. Knowing that it will (hopefully) soon stop will.

GoWalkabout · 18/08/2021 21:41

Its ok, its not your fault. Develop a tough skin, keep using any recommended care plans like observing triggers closely, meeting sensory needs and positive behaviour management to improve your sons life as I am sure you do, and remind neighbour that ASD is a disability and that you are aware its disruptive because you are having to cope with it all too.

Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 21:44

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

wow after such a tough day that really was the last thing i needed to see. I hope your proud of yourself.
OP posts: