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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

next door neighbour complaining about ds

92 replies

cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 12:35

id start by saying he is more then fair and has been extremely tolerant. My son had severe asd and has extreme meltdowns some of which happen on the flat stair which makes them even noisy. I literally do all i can to stop him including looking for a detached house to move too ( not easy due to needing to stay where we are due to schooling etc. We are nightmare neighbours:( what else can i do? Ive been thinking of a gift for him?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/08/2021 21:49

I hope you get something sorted with moving soon. Of course it's hard for your neighbour but it's hard for you too, and it must be stressful. Good luck.

WetBench · 18/08/2021 21:52

@alexdgr8

so you are living in a flat, but looking to buy a detached house. have you come into a lot of money ?
What a horrible post!

OP, I am in a similar situation with a neighbour, they came round with their child and box of cheap chocolates and i very much appreciated the gesture. However noisy it is for me, they are living it 24/7 and it’s far worse for them.

Muchmorethan · 18/08/2021 21:53

Fllow SEN mum here. I feel your pain. Flowers

My 18yr old had a hissy fit as a plumber had to go in his bedroom.

@Daphnise - how do you manage with your autistic child in the same situation?

MaMelon · 18/08/2021 21:56

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

And I’m sure the OP (and many others on here - including me) wouldn’t like to live near you with that nasty gob on you.

OP - I think all you can do is apologise and explain that you’re hoping to move soon. I’m sure you’re doing the very best you can in very difficult circumstances.

OatyBarKid · 18/08/2021 22:00

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

Who put 20p in the dickhead?

The child is disabled, they can't help their noise. Op says they are doing what they can to limit the interference with neighbors but you can't plan a meltdown or a trigger or stop it. Trust me, we would love to not have these stresses or upsets for our children, ourselves and our neighbors. It just doesn't work that way.

bumblingbovine49 · 18/08/2021 22:00

Honestly op, as you can see from on thread most people are quite good about this sort of thing but there are usually a few arseholes in real life as on here. You need to grow a thicker skin if you are going to effectively help your son. My son has ASD and ADHD and is a teenager now, so I have a lot of years of experience now of having to ignore ignorant comments about the effect his behaviour has on others.

There is very little you can do about this so just apologise ( as you have done ) , maybe explain what your plans are re moving in the future . Then do you best for your DS to help him stay as calm as is possible and forget about your neighbour until you leave.

You didn't ask for a child with these difficuties, it is bad luck for you and your child. You neighbour has had bad luck that you live next door to him so it is noisy. It is what it is. If he can't bear it until you move, he could always move himself.

secular39 · 18/08/2021 22:01

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

Here we have a keyboard warrior. I hope you don't ever have a child with special needs- worry about the way you will treat him/her if it had you as a parent!
Anothermother3 · 18/08/2021 22:02

I’d much rather live next to you than a judgemental twat. You’re doing the best you can. It’s not easy for any of you but bloody hell I think you deserve the chocolates. I’m assuming you have very little support or respite in the summer given how much things have been cut back and I hope you’re okay. Please don’t let the negative comments get you down. There’s a special needs board too (not that you can’t be on this one it just seems to be less supportive than I’d have hoped).

Kinneddar · 18/08/2021 22:02

@alexdgr8

so you are living in a flat, but looking to buy a detached house. have you come into a lot of money ?
What relevance is that ffs None of your business
Gingenius · 18/08/2021 22:04

Hi OP,
That sounds hard. You may have tried already but I wonder if some charities such as family fund would be able to help pay for some sound proofing if the move takes a while….

Fizzogg · 18/08/2021 22:07

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

Prick
toocold54 · 18/08/2021 22:07

How often does he have noisy meltdowns?

Honestly I think the neighbour is over-reacting, some neighbours have music blaring all night, parties, triplets, argue all day and night etc so a couple meltdowns wouldn’t he an issue with me.

My friend had a complaint as she had her washing machine on at 3pm. The neighbour below put a complaint to the council saying she needs to go to the launderette instead else he’ll phone the police.

If you live in a building where there are neighbours you need to get over the fact that there will be other noise.

WetWeekends · 18/08/2021 22:08

@alexdgr8

why should the victim have to sound proof his flat. if anyone should, it is the one where the noise is coming from.
How the hell is he a victim? This is a child with a disability who can’t help becoming distressed, not a noisy NT teenager misbehaving and being anti social. There is no bloody victim!
lannistunut · 18/08/2021 22:08

@cantstayaway21 Do you have a DP or are you on your own? I was wondering if your DP could maybe go round and explain it properly, to save you having to do it.

I don;t agree you are a nightmare neighbour. You are not unkind, or vindictive, or aggressive. You have a child with a named and known special need and whilst noise is annoying and disruptive, it is not being done maliciously or for fun or because you just don;t give a shit.

I think I would like to live next door to you.

Flowers for you.

p.s. this from @OatyBarKid made me laugh Who put 20p in the dickhead?

lannistunut · 18/08/2021 22:09

Also in an average day, how many hours are noisy tantrum gours and how many hours are quiet hours?

toocold54 · 18/08/2021 22:10

The neighbour wants peace and quiet.

Then the neighbour needs to move to a detached house where there are no other people close by.

Although where I live the nearby farm got a serious complaint asking them to keep the cows quiet before 9am!

secular39 · 18/08/2021 22:11

The harsh truth OP and some of the replies are evident! Even if you want to told your neighbour about your sons ASD. They don't care. They just want the noise to stop. My late Uncle had Epilepsy and the neighbour above him would complain complain complain about him (as he would fall down when fitting). She did not care that he had Epilepsy (she told him this!)... and then he died all alone in his flat... bitch didn't care.

Some of these people just do not care.... till they have a loved one who has developed a disability/illness and then wants to be your "friend". This has happened to me on two occasions.

You have to develop a thick skin. I have been through hell and back with my eldest son. Some of these people are not sympathetic at all. Do not go and give the neighbour a gift, just tell him that your son has needs and that your trying your best). don't mention ASD as it's none of his/her business and he/she would just use it as gossip. I do have slight sympathy for your neighbour as of course it is not nice to hear but what can you do? Him complaining is effectively complaining about a young Abby who cry's for long periods of time. Continue working with your son on his behaviour, meltdowns, take him out and keep your head high. Always. Don't let these people get your down.

WetWeekends · 18/08/2021 22:12

I’m lucky that we live in an end terrace but there’s no way I could afford a detached house. I’m also lucky that the houses are fairly well soundproofed. I do everything I can to keep my child who has ASD quiet, for his sake more than anyone else’s of course, but I do worry about the neighbour, although he has never once complained which I’m very thankful for.
I’m honestly shocked at the people who have been absolute arseholes on this thread. What the hell do they expect OP to do?

Kidsteens · 18/08/2021 22:13

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

I would love to live next door to the op. Then I would not have to worry about my noisy kids . Upsetting the neighbours as we would all be in the same boat.

I hope your OK op please ignore the nasty comments on here and just take away what is helpful to you. My child has asd as well. He's only 6 I don't really fully understand it yet. But I know it effects people in different ways. If you was my neighbour I would just accept the situation and I would never make you worry about noise .

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 18/08/2021 22:14

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

You sound like a very cold person. Horrible
memberofthewedding · 18/08/2021 22:18

A gift may only be a gesture but it shows that you have the right attitude and that you sympathize with your NDNs position.

Shortly after I moved in my NDN upset me by doing something which was very thoughtless and which caused me to have a panic attack. If she had come around next day with some flowers or chocs (as you do) or even a proper apology and an admission that what she had done was wrong, our relationship would have been very different. Instead she did nothing.

Our relationship went downhill from there and nowadays I dont open the door when I see her.

Mpsister · 18/08/2021 22:20

I think your neighbour would really appreciate you letting him know that you plan to move. You sound like a really considerate neighbour.
In all honestly, I don't think a gift will help. He just wants peace and quiet in his own home.

MisgenderedSwan · 18/08/2021 22:21

If I were your neighbour and you popped over the say sorry you were stressed and ask what I would like you to do then that would be helpful. Maybe mention you are looking to move, sometimes the problem can seem never ending which adds to the stress. I mentioned to my neighbour that her tv was too loud too late the other day, she apologised, explained about her poor hearing and closed her windows. I can still hear it but knowing she has trouble hearing and has done what she can by closing the windows helps.

My other neighbours regularly have 30 people over to drink beer and play loud music in the garden til 5 in the morning - they are infinitely more annoying.

secular39 · 18/08/2021 22:21

@memberofthewedding

A gift may only be a gesture but it shows that you have the right attitude and that you sympathize with your NDNs position.

Shortly after I moved in my NDN upset me by doing something which was very thoughtless and which caused me to have a panic attack. If she had come around next day with some flowers or chocs (as you do) or even a proper apology and an admission that what she had done was wrong, our relationship would have been very different. Instead she did nothing.

Our relationship went downhill from there and nowadays I dont open the door when I see her.

The problem is that it makes the OP an apologetic. You many not understand if you aren't a parent of a child with special needs. We are always apologising for our children's behaviour. If the OP starts giving gifts, it may become habitual and make the OP feel that she has to always apologise. Tell the neighbour once that your sorry etc etc and that's that. Don't bend over backwards for no one.
Westchesterarms · 18/08/2021 22:22

@toocold54.
Honestly I think the neighbour is over-reactinqg,

How do you know that? The op says he is fair and has been extremely tolerant. I live next door-but-one to an ASD child. Fortunately, I only hear him when he's in the garden. And that's enough. It drives me insane. I understand it's not the parents fault, I understand it's not the child's fault. It's not my fault either, but I'm the one who can't sit out in the garden because of the noise. The difference between the parents going through it all and the neighbour is that the parents love their child, the neighbour doesn't.

It sounds like the op is a good neighbour and recognises what the neighbour has to put up with and is trying to ease the inconvenience he's going through. So don't you make him sound unreasonable for not wanting his life to be dominated by the noise his neighbours child produces.

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