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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

next door neighbour complaining about ds

92 replies

cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 12:35

id start by saying he is more then fair and has been extremely tolerant. My son had severe asd and has extreme meltdowns some of which happen on the flat stair which makes them even noisy. I literally do all i can to stop him including looking for a detached house to move too ( not easy due to needing to stay where we are due to schooling etc. We are nightmare neighbours:( what else can i do? Ive been thinking of a gift for him?

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 18/08/2021 22:22

Living in a flat must be hard for all parties.

I think a frank chat is in order, let him vent his specific concerns and try and reach some kind of comprise, like agreeing to take DS out for an hour or so a day so your neighbour get some quiet time. Although it’s hard to advise without knowing the specifics of the situating!

secular39 · 18/08/2021 22:23

@Mpsister

I think your neighbour would really appreciate you letting him know that you plan to move. You sound like a really considerate neighbour. In all honestly, I don't think a gift will help. He just wants peace and quiet in his own home.
It's none of the neighbours business. He will eventually see a moving out van across from his window. Why do we always feel the need to tell strangers our business?
Nokyo · 18/08/2021 22:24

Op some of the people who have posted are so lacking in empathy. If you were my neighbour I would bring you the odd bottle of wine. You could be a family of dick heads or addicts partying away. You have a disabled child and are doing your best. I would much rather have you as a neighbour than plenty of posters here. You are doing your best and that’s all you can do.

HalzTangz · 18/08/2021 22:27

@alexdgr8

why should the victim have to sound proof his flat. if anyone should, it is the one where the noise is coming from.
I agree with you. The neighbour could be WFH and the noise (no matter how it's caused) could be having an impact on their work. It's not down to the neighbour to create solutions, it's not the neighbour making the noise.

Yes the child has issues that the OP can't control, however she could put sound proofing in her flat to minimise the impact to others living in the building

Mpsister · 18/08/2021 22:28

The OP said she was going to tell her neighbour her plans to move. I'm just agreeing that's it a good idea. It wasn't my suggestion!

Lalliella · 18/08/2021 22:30

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

I would rather live near OP and 10 of her son than live near someone who makes such a nasty and evil comment like this @Daphnise. Are you happy with yourself now you have upset OP so much? Do you have no empathy at all? If this is all you have to say please stay away from your keyboard. There really is no point in your existence if that is all you have to bring to the world.

OP I don’t think a gift is very appropriate, just try to explain to your neighbour again about your DS’s condition and tell them of your plans to move. You should hopefully find life a bit less stressful when you have more space and privacy. Good luck with the move Flowers

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 18/08/2021 22:31

Op it’s so tough Flowers
I would far rather you living next door, with the occasional ASD meltdown, than my previous TV & music blaring neighbours which meant I couldn’t go to bed until they did.

Some awful posters on this thread

daisytilly1 · 18/08/2021 22:32

@Daphnise

A gift is not a sensible idea. The neighbour wants peace and quiet. And is not going to get it from what you say.

I would not like to live near you.

Ugh what a vile ugly message. You sound like a lovely person.
Ahhhhhbisto · 18/08/2021 22:35

Oh cantstayaway21 Flowers

My son also has asd and the meltdowns and just daily life do create a lot of noise!

Posters suggesting soundproofing are most unhelpful. I think you are wonderful to have the time and headspace to try and diffuse the situation.

I think a nice box of chocs or wine is a lovely idea. No, it won’t stop the noise but it does show that you have acknowleged that the noise distubs your neighbour at times.

Take care of yourself Flowers

HalzTangz · 18/08/2021 22:35

But that's not true, the op could soundproof her flat, something she has stated she won't do, so no she's not doing all she can.
I too wouldn't like to love next to constant noise, yes I would try and tolerate it as best as possible, but doest mea I would like hearing it.

There's another thread about noisy neighbours in which posters are all saying report the noise. Yes maybe the scenarios are different, but noise is noise no matter how it's caused

TheSoapyFrog · 18/08/2021 22:37

OP, my son is autistic too, and has learning disabilities, but I will never apologise for him. I certainly wouldn't buy anybody a gift. He is disabled and his vocalisations are meltdowns are beyond his and my control. You've explained the situation and it's up to your neighbour what he does with it. If you know you've done all you can to minimise noise and disruption to others, then there is little else that you can do. It isn't reasonable to spend the foreseeable future grovelling and giving gifts to various people.
We moved from a flat to a semi detached house which is an old build with thick walls and, 2 years in, have only received one complaint about noise.

secular39 · 18/08/2021 22:38

Please OP do not be that person. You don't have to appease anyone. It's none of his business to know that you will be moving. What happens if the move doesn't go well for what ever reasons and your stuck. What happens if he keeps asking you "so when are you moving?". Let it be. Apologise and get about helping your DS, sound proof your home, work on behaviour, go out etc.

I am speaking from experience. I had a neighbour who made my life hell over my DS. She would insult my eldest son, her kids were bullies to my children, she would gossip about me to her friends and people around our local community, she would complain to the council and social services, huge number of times, including silly things, that the police said it was the point of harassment. I became ill and developed anxiety. Every time my DS or had a meltdown, I would become so worried. I wouldn't allow people to come over to my house as I worried that the noise will make her complain. I would shout at my children for making sure that they were not making too much noise. I was in effect, a prisoner in my own home. I sympathised hugely about the noise and I apologised over and over. But she was just a bully. Till one day, I thought enough was enough, I reported her to the police and the council and they moved us.

Do you know what happened? I met her at a disability event, she avoided me and then told me that her two year old has severe Autism and how did I manage? Do you know what I did? I told her to fuck off and not to come and speak to me ever again.

RamblesShambles · 18/08/2021 22:42

Hi OP. I don't have much advice. Similar situation. My DS1 has ASD and his meltdowns must be very disturbing for our neighbours. They've never said anything though and they know the situation. I have apologised before because it must be frustrating for them to have to listen to it. Especially if it is at night.. just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Unmumsnetty hugs x

Ahhhhhbisto · 18/08/2021 22:42

HalzTangz

It is quite possibly that the op couldn’t afford sound proofing.

Also to describe an autistic child as “the child has issues that the op can’t control” is the kind of ignorant comment that fills me with fear for my sons future.

21Bee · 18/08/2021 22:45

As a different perspective our neighbours have a child with severe ASD and it is really difficult. Before anyone starts, we can’t move as the accommodation is provided by our employers.

It’s nobodies fault but the constant screaming and banging is stressful. The most difficult part is that the child slams the back door over and over making our house rattle. The noise constantly wakes up our baby but I don’t really think there is a solution. We would never say anything but sometimes I’m at my wits end when our baby has woken up for the third or fourth time in an evening. It would be nice if sometimes the neighbours just acknowledged that it’s a difficult situation.

bagelsandoranges · 18/08/2021 22:50

People are allowed to live peacefully in their own homes. You have no idea about the mental strain that person is under. You may believe the child comes first in everything but in reality the child has no part of that persons life whatsoever. Who is anyone to say their lives are less important than your childs?? Based on a disability or the other way round? Its not about normal consideration. When you're close to breaking point because you physically need peace and quiet and after work there is not even peace in your own bloody home - then that's an issue. That's beyond neighbourly obligations of patience.

AlmostSummer21 · 18/08/2021 22:54

@bagelsandoranges

It's not right that someone's own home is now disturbed to the point he is uncomfortable. Anyone suggesting he needs to make changes to his home must be incredibly self centered or out of their mind! Absolute cheek. OP you do need to do something more than offer a box of chocolates. Proper soundproofing or move.
Wind your neck in
Crazycrazylady · 18/08/2021 22:55

I get that it's difficult and I sympathise with you and your neighbours. It's not ideal for them I know but it's not like you have any control over it so knocking and giving out is a pointless exercise that is only adding unnecessarily to your stress levels. Do they not think if you could prevent them you would🙄

Kidsteens · 18/08/2021 23:02

Op I just thought have you asked autism society or autism support or anything simlar for help. They may be able to get you help to sound proof your home ?

Pinkappleorpineapple · 18/08/2021 23:08

There's a lot of intolerance from posters, including the noise makers.
A baby can't help crying but I'd still apologise to neighbours for the noise, likewise with a child having meltdowns. It's just an acknowledgement that you know that the disruption is not ideal and promotes more tolerance.

DH and I actually have got to the point where our neighbour's child with SEN can be left with us for a short time if needed, they will come and talk to us in the garden and we can see some signs if they are uncomfortable and ask if they want us to fetch their mum or dad.
If the neighbours had never told us about the SEN yes we would have guessed but not known any specifics. I certainly don't use this info to gossip and sorry that one poster's experience means she believes that is what neighbours would do.

It has caused issues for me wfh sometimes because the noise can be pretty loud but I know they would stop it if they could. The worst is when they wake up very early in the morning and start making noise.
I really miss work trips to quiet hotels.

It's unfair to say the neighbour should move as aside from financial considerations what if their new neighbours are worse?

Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 23:08

my son is out the house 8.00 to 4pm and he goes to bed at 8 which he sleeps well ( melatonin) He wakes up at 6ish . my ndn works out of the house and is generally a nice man. our house is about to be put up for sale. Soundproofing isnt a option until we move. The main problem seems to be when we are out in the stairs. So Im going to have a think about how to minimize it.
Thanks to everyone that gave good advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantstayaway21 · 18/08/2021 23:10

forget to mention Schools went back today so hopefully that helps!!

OP posts:
AnonymousA · 18/08/2021 23:11

The OP has stated that the noise the neighbour is complaining about is happening on the stairs leading to their flat. Obviously it will echo and soundproofing their flat will not have any effect so it’s a bit pointless suggesting it. The only way the OP could mitigate it is not to take her DC out of the flat!

Ahhhhhbisto · 18/08/2021 23:12

cantstayaway21
Is your stairway echoey?

Ahhhhhbisto · 18/08/2021 23:13

If it is maybe some ear defenders for your son whilst in the hall would help any sensory reasons behind the meltdowns.

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