next door neighbour complaining about ds

[cantstayaway21]

id start by saying he is more then fair and has been extremely tolerant. My son had severe asd and has extreme meltdowns some of which happen on the flat stair which makes them even noisy. I literally do all i can to stop him including looking for a detached house to move too ( not easy due to needing to stay where we are due to schooling etc. We are nightmare neighbours:( what else can i do? Ive been thinking of a gift for him?

A treat in hall way to help get him out quickly and quietly? Sounds like you’re doing all you can tbh, it’s not like he’s in all day bouncing off the walls.

@Pinkappleorpineapple

Everyone has a right to leave in a peaceful home. No one is disputing that. I sympathise with the neighbour and OP. It's a no win situation. It's difficult, particularly when you live in flats. But I don't feel the OP has to give gestures, apologising once is enough. If you want to apologise too your neighbours about your baby screaming over and over again, then that's you. I won't advocate that, I'm sorry, that alone would just give you unnecessary stress and would just make you more likely to go to your neighbours and apologise over and over again. You have to be careful as if you keep doing that, it will make you seem vulnerable and when people see your vulnerable, they take advantage.

Telling a neighbour your child has needs is enough, why tell strangers? It's none of their business and the neighbour would not care anyway. He just wants the noise to stop. The more you tell people about your lives (especially to people who you don't know and you know that they cannot tolerate you) will make you vulnerable.

Don't apologise or buy a gift, OP. Explain by all means but don't apologise for something which is not your fault and that your DS is not doing on purpose.

Some people on this thread ought to remember that disabled people have a protected right to not be treated less favourably due to their disability, and sometimes behaviours associated with that disability such as noises or meltdowns may be undesirable to non-disabled folk. Honestly though? Tough. Disabled people exist and might occupy the same space as you, get over it.

Isn't it great how equality and inclusion suddenly vanishes when NT people find themselves the slightest bit inconvenienced?

@Clocktopus

Don't apologise or buy a gift, OP. Explain by all means but don't apologise for something which is not your fault and that your DS is not doing on purpose.

Some people on this thread ought to remember that disabled people have a protected right to not be treated less favourably due to their disability, and sometimes behaviours associated with that disability such as noises or meltdowns may be undesirable to non-disabled folk. Honestly though? Tough. Disabled people exist and might occupy the same space as you, get over it.

Isn't it great how equality and inclusion suddenly vanishes when NT people find themselves the slightest bit inconvenienced?

Love this comment

@Samafe. Bless you. 💐

It's probably not as bad as you think unless your son is making a noise at 6 am. That would be torture for neighbours. My first baby had colic and (to me) cried constantly. I apologised to my neighbour who said they very rarely heard him crying, so all that rocking and slinging had worked after all.

I feel for you! We do have a detached house for this reason. My son is a fully grown adult. He’s happy but extremely noisy. My neighbours on either side are very understanding. In fact they’re amazing. We’ve replaced the glass on one neighbours greenhouse several times. The people at the bottom of the garden not so much especially when he threw a huge garden table over the fence into theirs. My husband had to go round in his van to get it back as it was too heavy to lift back over the fence. It could have hit someone. We’ve raised all the fences and put trellis along the top over the years and removed anything he can throw. We’ve even sectioned the main part off with a gate which we can lock so he can’t access it. He also likes to play you tube videos, Barney, Teletubbies etc really loudly! We have a summer house which we soundproofed and put his computer in there which does dampen the sound. It’s caused so much stress over the years as although they’re great it must drive them potty some days. Just keep talking to them.

Isn't it great how equality and inclusion suddenly vanishes when NT people find themselves the slightest bit inconvenienced?

If the noise is very loud and happening most of the time I don’t consider this a slight inconvenience at all. Noise travels far in flats, they’re so close together and the walls are often quite thin. I do sympathise with the NDN even though it obviously isn’t OP’s fault.

I would love to live next door to the op. Then I would not have to worry about my noisy kids . Upsetting the neighbours as we would all be in the same boat.

My son had noisy meltdowns. The neighbours were lovely.
Now they look after their noisy, nosy grandchildren and were constantly apologising for the noise, until I reminded them of their response to my son, and the enormous stash of goodwill that they’d built up.

OP, try and id your son’s triggers, especially why he struggles on the stairs. Then you can work towards a solution.

If the noise is very loud and happening most of the time I don’t consider this a slight inconvenience at all. Noise travels far in flats, they’re so close together and the walls are often quite thin. I do sympathise with the NDN even though it obviously isn’t OP’s fault.

OP has said it's mainly in the shared stairway so it's not most of the time and her DS is out at school 8am til 4pm then sleeps 8pm to 6am, he's out/asleep the majority of the day so it's not even the majority of the time.

@LammasFires

I would love to live next door to the op. Then I would not have to worry about my noisy kids . Upsetting the neighbours as we would all be in the same boat.

My son had noisy meltdowns. The neighbours were lovely.
Now they look after their noisy, nosy grandchildren and were constantly apologising for the noise, until I reminded them of their response to my son, and the enormous stash of goodwill that they’d built up.

OP, try and id your son’s triggers, especially why he struggles on the stairs. Then you can work towards a solution.

We have started working with a team that shadow us/him for a while so hopefully they can help with triggers as i cant see what it can be

so my ndn actually came round this morning to apologise. Which i told him no need as he was fair and very nice about it. So we're on good terms tho I'm sure he cant wait for new neighbours!

Not a whole lot of people can truly understand how difficult it is to have a special needs child. I've been so hyper aware of our noise out in public or on public transport and try my best but sometimes you can't stop it as all parents know. I do hope you can find a new place soon. You're a very kind neighbor and mom!

I'm assuming all the dickheads on this thread would happily fund all these moves to detached homes and soundproofing they suggest. I'd love a government grant for parents of children with SEN for anything that helps them feel part of their community.

Unfortunately parents of children with SEN often have less money so it's only fair. Takes a village right?

It's not your fault OP and you're doing the best you can.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm assuming all the dickheads on this thread would happily fund all these moves to detached homes and soundproofing they suggest. I'd love a government grant for parents of children with SEN for anything that helps them feel part of their community.

Unfortunately parents of children with SEN often have less money so it's only fair. Takes a village right?

Well said!

My son is autistic too OP, it's really tough isn't it. You're doing your best. I feel sorry for your neighbour but you are doing all you can and noisy kids, especially additional needs kids are part of society. Don't feel guilty, you've got enough to deal with xx