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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to ask about a sibling?

99 replies

Alloe · 18/08/2021 05:22

Maybe I’m being oversensitive about this. Have NC. I don’t think IABU?

I have a baby - she is under 6 months old. Difficult pregnancy, traumatic NICU stay for almost a month after she was born.

DH mentioned earlier that my MIL has mentioned on several occasions now about a sibling. AIBU to be upset about this? It was bad enough that she was talking about a sibling as “the next one might not be as bad” because apparently you “forget all about it” when I was still pregnant ☹️

We’re due to see them for lunch in a couple of weeks and I have a horrible feeling the topic will be brought up again, but to me this time. If IANBU, do you have any responses apart from “that’s personal” to “stop asking about my sex life”?!

OP posts:
Amammai · 18/08/2021 05:29

I would give exactly that answer or ‘we’re not in a rush’ and just switch the conversation. Sounds like she is desperate for more grandchildren but it isn’t any of her business

Hekatestorch · 18/08/2021 05:31

Yanbu to not like it. But it's a fairly common question that alot of people will ask 'when the next?'

I am not a fan either. My stock response is 'its not something we have even though about. We are just coming concentrating on this one'

I don't agree it's asking about your sex life though. She isn't asking for a schedule or for details. She is mentioning another.

For some reason lots of people expect you to have one then another shortly after. I had 7 years between mine and people were so shocked I was having a second, you would have thought I was a pregnant mid teen girl. People seem to have put me in 'she is only having one' box. People assume it's close together or not at all.

Will you be so annoyed if work colleagues, friends or your family asked?

What response did your husband give?

RubyGoat · 18/08/2021 05:33

I had a horrible pregnancy & birth too. I definitely didn’t forget about it enough to want another baby, although we would have loved another baby. Tell her you don’t want to talk about it. Your DH also needs to stop telling you about how people, including her, are asking this - it’s unhelpful & possibly an unsubtle way of saying he’d like another baby.

Not his body, not his choice, in this scenario. It’s not him taking the risk.

MyOtherProfile · 18/08/2021 05:37

DH needs to step in here and have a word with his mum ahead of time.

MoreAloneTime · 18/08/2021 05:39

It's personal is a fine response, don't engage on this topic if you don't want to. I've been in this situation with MIL after a difficult birth and not being sure about a second. While I did eventually have a second the negativity I got about how bad it would be for DC1 to be an only was very unhelpful.

Original poster
Alloe · 18/08/2021 05:40

@Amammai there are 5 other grandchildren already!

@Hekatestorch I would be equally annoyed if colleagues, friends or my family asked about it! I’d know how to respond if a friend asked, not so much in this scenario.

Husband said he sort of brushed it off the first time and said how we had our hands full and were enjoying baby, second time was more abrupt and referenced the pregnancy and NICU stay as reasoning for us to be “one and done” as people say. Doesn’t remember exact details

OP posts:
LoislovesStewie · 18/08/2021 05:43

It's no-one else's business if you have one or 21. FWIW, I had my last at the age of 40 and was constantly asked what we would do if the baby had Down's. My DH said 'love him/her I suppose' as a way of shutting them up. I'm always astonished by the comments made to pregnant women or their partners as if it somehow is everyone's business. You don't have to explain to anyone what you are doing in this matter or why. A 'I don't want to talk about it, if you don't mind' said in a firm way, should do.

RubyGoat · 18/08/2021 05:52

FWIW, our DD turned 9 in spring. When I left the maternity ward, one of the midwives cheerfully said "see you next year" & I remember thinking that hell would freeze over first. So many people assume if you have one child you'll want a second without considering that people may have good reasons not to do so.

Original poster
Alloe · 18/08/2021 06:04

I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask about family planning Sad

OP posts:
Hyppogriff · 18/08/2021 06:13

It may not be acceptable to ask but it’s probably not coming from a hurtful place. Coming up with a super passive aggressive response isn’t really going to help. Maybe just something light and breezy along the lines of ‘ we’ll see, not ready to think about that now’

LaBellina · 18/08/2021 06:15

“My uterus is not something up for discussion. Would you like another cup of tea”?

frerecoler · 18/08/2021 06:18

I fully agree with you, but that's what people do. When you get engaged, people want to know when tou will get married. When you get married, people want to know when DC are planned. When you have your first, people want to know when you will be planning the second. And often, after the second, stories about sending your husband for a vasectomy get mentioned.

I don't think there is any malice in it, but it is unnerving and I find it incredibly intrusive. You never know what people are dealing with. I hope that people are becoming more and more aware these days.

I had 2DC 14 months apart and you would not believe the amount of times people asked if the second child was planned...

Anyway, I always just smiled, said I now realized what caused children and that I wouldn't be doing that anymore. DH always replied that we had now invested in a tv. Grin

RubyGoat · 18/08/2021 06:18

It may not be coming from a hurtful place, but if you know someone has had a difficult pregnancy, birth or first few days/weeks with their baby, it's certainly coming from a thoughtless place. Basically saying, I know this was really shit for you but when are you going to do it again? Like there's not even the possibility that some people might not want to.

pinkcircustop · 18/08/2021 06:25

People aren’t trying to be hurtful when they ask this; it’s just a common question. There’s no need to get oversensitive about it and be nasty in your reply.

custardbear · 18/08/2021 06:26

I think it's a normal type of comment to ask if you're planning more. However if anyone is uncomfortable or doesn't want to engage or comment then that conversation ought to be stopped forever as it's clear you're not up to discussions.

Tell your DH to curb to question asking in advance and if it comes up he needs to intervene and have that 'back iff' statement ready. I'd be inclined to finish the visit early too snd give them message in no uncertain terms that you're not interested in engaging
Good luck and perhaps seek some e counselling if you've got some PTSD from your experience

Dita73 · 18/08/2021 06:30

If it comes up,just say you’re not having anymore. She won’t keep asking then and you can surprise her one day if you decide to have another. None of her business

BritishSummertime · 18/08/2021 06:30

It was FIL in our case, he always asked when we'd have number 2, I just said it's not happening every time & changed the subject. Imagine if someone desperately wanted a second but couldn't for some reason, it's so rude!

FTEngineerM · 18/08/2021 06:31

You could say something really grim like ‘no thanks, your darling son and I aren’t ready for him to dump his load in me yet’

Should shut her up.

TacoSunday · 18/08/2021 06:38

In my opinion, asking someone if they are going to have any more kids is a hugely tactless thing to do and shows a massive lack of emotional intelligence.

For many, it might be a very easy question to answer, and one that they are happy to discuss (in which case, let them raise it). For others, the answer is not something that they want to discuss with anyone outside their relationship. There may be difficulties with conception, difficulties in the relationship, money difficulties... the list goes on. Asking people this puts people on the spot with what is a very personal question.

If she does raise it (again), just say something like ‘We’re not ready to think about that yet’ and change the subject.

MiddleParking · 18/08/2021 06:41

I don’t think it’s a malicious or unacceptable thing to talk about, but if she’s already mentioned it to your husband twice and then raises it again with you it kind of stops being just normal conversation and turns into a big thing. I was still cheerfully telling people ‘over my dead body’ if it came up at the stage you’re at! Tell him to be on guard and shut her down if she does ask, but if it’s out of his earshot I’d just turn it back and laugh at her and say, “Dave says you’ve asked him that twice recently, are you living vicariously?”

Sailor2009 · 18/08/2021 06:43

Mine was 3 weeks old the first time my MIL asked about another one. She's now 5 months and MIL has asked at least once a week since. Drives me up the wall.

romdowa · 18/08/2021 06:49

Just be direct with her and tell her that it's none of her business. If she wants babies in her life then shed better get to it and start popping some out herself.

NotNowBernarrd · 18/08/2021 06:53

I wouldn't say that you aren't having any more as that might encourage her to badger you even more!

Brushing it off is best. Or her son saying something more directly.

Or
say you have really got into anal so it's unlikely to happen...

GeorgiaGirl52 · 18/08/2021 06:59

" DC is like our marriage. One and done. We are perfectly happy the way we are."

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 18/08/2021 06:59

Why TF does she want you to have another baby so soon anyway?

"MIL seeing as your DGC was so unwell at birth and has only been home five months why don't you try spending some more time with her, and not thinking about grandchildren you don't have and won't be getting until me and DH want another one. Seeing as its us who've got to actually bring it up, and the novelty obviously wears off for you after a few weeks, because you've got enough DGC but are thinking about one you think you should have.".