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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to ask about a sibling?

99 replies

Alloe · 18/08/2021 05:22

Maybe I’m being oversensitive about this. Have NC. I don’t think IABU?

I have a baby - she is under 6 months old. Difficult pregnancy, traumatic NICU stay for almost a month after she was born.

DH mentioned earlier that my MIL has mentioned on several occasions now about a sibling. AIBU to be upset about this? It was bad enough that she was talking about a sibling as “the next one might not be as bad” because apparently you “forget all about it” when I was still pregnant ☹️

We’re due to see them for lunch in a couple of weeks and I have a horrible feeling the topic will be brought up again, but to me this time. If IANBU, do you have any responses apart from “that’s personal” to “stop asking about my sex life”?!

OP posts:

leli · 18/08/2021 14:56

Another OP who doesn't like her MIL so can't manage any repartee/comments/ordinary idiocies of life without holding it against the hated MIL.

I speak as a MIL.

Elliania · 18/08/2021 15:15

@Alloe

I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask about family planning

I think you can tell her that if she continues to push after you politely say to stop mentioning it.

Then as a last resort you can always say "Well MIL in that case we'll assume you're willing to either act as a surrogate or pay any costs involved in an adoption?"

Piglet89 · 18/08/2021 17:05

@leli it’s a rude and intrusive question.

Nobody has ever EVER asked me if we plan to have another. Mainly because we really struggled to have number one. But it’s not been plain sailing, particularly in the pandemic and I don’t want anymore, frankly. And if anyone did ask, I’d tell them that.

Notaroadrunner · 18/08/2021 17:10

"My fanny still isn't right after pushing Emma out, having sex is like throwing a sausage up oxford street, so can't even contemplate another one yet"

AryaStarkWolf · 18/08/2021 17:13

@pinkcircustop

People aren’t trying to be hurtful when they ask this; it’s just a common question. There’s no need to get oversensitive about it and be nasty in your reply.

Agreed.

nanbread · 18/08/2021 17:17

Pre-empt it with a story of your awfully insensitive a friend's relative was when they kept asking when they were going to have another baby?

YANBU, I once had a family friend lecture me on how I should really hurry up and have baby no.2 otherwise they age gap would be too big and my children wouldn't be close - I'd had a miscarriage 3 weeks beforehand.

imonlyhooman · 18/08/2021 17:32

"We are just enjoying having sex and if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't but to be honest I'm amazed you're so invested in your sons's sex life"

Hugoslavia · 18/08/2021 17:53

I'd be tempted to buy her a reborn baby doll for Xmas to get her off your backs!

GoodVibesHere · 18/08/2021 18:14

The questions don't even end after two.

After two, people ask 'are you tempted to have another one?'. It's very annoying. They stop asking once you hit mid-40's - and then you know that everyone's decided you are past it.

BritishSummertime · 19/08/2021 06:41

@nanbread

Pre-empt it with a story of your awfully insensitive a friend's relative was when they kept asking when they were going to have another baby?

See this is why people shouldn't ask, they don't know what someone is going through behind close doors..

for you

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/08/2021 06:44

I would say "what? Is this one not good enough then?" Or "no plans for anymore"

Ponoka7 · 19/08/2021 06:48

"I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask about family planning"

In older generations it was a normal topic of conversation among the women in a family/circle of friends. I don't understand why your DH isn't being honest. There's no need for these bizarre responses about sex lives.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/08/2021 06:55

just tell her that if she mentions the subject again, she's unlikely to see much of the first grandchild, because you'll be steering well clear.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 06:56

There's absolutely no need to be rude to her.
She's just excited at the prospect of lots of grandchildren.

Just tell her you're not planning on having anymore / you're not ready to think about more yet.

ThinWomansBrain · 19/08/2021 07:00

@leli

Another OP who doesn't like her MIL so can't manage any repartee/comments/ordinary idiocies of life without holding it against the hated MIL.

I speak as a MIL.

probably why people don't get on with in laws - they overstep the mark and ask intrusive questions.

UnsuitableHat · 19/08/2021 07:08

Maybe she won’t bring the subject up with you personally - from your OP It doesn’t sound as if she has. The example you’ve given (‘the next one will be…’ said to your DH) doesn’t sound too intrusive, and not sure what questions she’s asked about your sex life, but agree that questions about this sort of thing aren’t necessary or tactful. ‘We’re not thinking about that at the moment’ seems like a good shut-down response.

GadyLaLa · 19/08/2021 07:12

I know it’s a common thing to ask but its inappropriate & insensitive in a lot of cases. I have 1 DC & get asked all the time when we’re having another, like it’s a given that we want 2. The truth is that we were trying for number 2 for ages with no luck, we’re now having second thoughts & are leaning towards just sticking with one, we feel we’d need to move to a bigger house if we were to have another, we don’t have the money to do that…it’s all personal stuff that I don’t want to explain or discuss with every Tom, Dick & Harry who asks! People need to mind their own business.

MoreAloneTime · 19/08/2021 08:45

It doesn't matter if the asker doesn't mean to be intrusive or hurtful, that doesn't make it any nicer for the person being asked. Some people don't have enough respect for difficult birth experiences and make other people's babies all about them.

Raindancer411 · 19/08/2021 08:50

Another way of answering is "If it happens it happens"... I said this to wind people up after my first... didn't have a second until 8 years later lol They had all but given up by then lol

Mammyofasuperbaby · 19/08/2021 09:02

We've been getting this with MIL for the last year - ds has just turned 1 less than a month ago.
I've been pregnant 5 times, lost 3, had 2 premature babies, nearly died 3 times, nearly lost both babies, 1 needed surgery at 3 weeks old and had 5 week and 4 weeks nicu stays with them in less than 6 years and she wants to know when we are having more.
We aren't, we've both told her this but she just laughs it off and says but they are so cute.
She seems to think I should be over it now, yet she holds onto grief for years. I just ignore her now when she mentions it which she doesn't like but it shuts her up.
Now I just need to figure out how to deal with her being a grief thief over my miscarriages

Confused102 · 19/08/2021 09:04

Yanbu at all. It's none of her nosy business. Your dh needs to address this, and tell his mother to not ask that to you.

BritishSummertime · 19/08/2021 13:28

I've been pregnant 5 times, lost 3, had 2 premature babies, nearly died 3 times, nearly lost both babies, 1 needed surgery at 3 weeks old and had 5 week and 4 weeks nicu stays with them in less than 6 years

Jesus, you've properly been through the ringer! Seriously why doesn't she think that maybe you've been through enough

ItsSunnyOutside · 19/08/2021 14:07

My mil has asked this a few times too, but not to me, to dh.
She goes one step further though.. when dh said ' maybe, in the future' to her questions
she replied ' oh good, you don't want dd to be an only child..everyone I know who was an only child, hated it. You need a sibling" ' {strange, considering her and her sibling don't even speak to one another!} or she says things like ' I wish you would hurry up and have another one' . She even asked recently if we were currently trying for another baby! When dh told her it's none of her business, she said it was!!

She would never dare say those things to my face, so she knows they are inappropiate. Dh has told her numerous times that she shouldn't ask things like that and why.

The only thing I can suggest is to very calmy just say 'I know you want to be a grandma again but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone other then my dh' then change the subject straight away.

I don't know why people think its acceptable to ask such personal and potentially sensitive questions.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 19/08/2021 15:32

@BritishSummertime, because she loves her grandchildren but doesn't consider the grief this has caused us.
I now have PTSD along side constant pain, mild organ damage and a hormonal problem. I'm constantly exhausted and nearly suffered a mental breakdown due to being stuck in the hospital for a month (triggers PTSD episodes) with my youngest.
My eldest also has learning difficulties which as lovely as he is, makes him so frustrating at times.
She doesn't see this and just sees cute babies and wants more of them.
Thankfully my DM doesn't want us to have more because she sees the pain and doesn't ignore it eventhough she adores my children. It crushed her to see her little girl become so broken in 5 short years and all before I was 27

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