To not want MIL to ask about a sibling?

[Alloe]

Maybe I’m being oversensitive about this. Have NC. I don’t think IABU?

I have a baby - she is under 6 months old. Difficult pregnancy, traumatic NICU stay for almost a month after she was born.

DH mentioned earlier that my MIL has mentioned on several occasions now about a sibling. AIBU to be upset about this? It was bad enough that she was talking about a sibling as “the next one might not be as bad” because apparently you “forget all about it” when I was still pregnant ☹️

We’re due to see them for lunch in a couple of weeks and I have a horrible feeling the topic will be brought up again, but to me this time. If IANBU, do you have any responses apart from “that’s personal” to “stop asking about my sex life”?!

It's a nosy, but not malicious question. If you find it to be upsetting to talk about, then your husband needs to shut it down in no uncertain terms before you even meet up with your mil.

I hope you are getting whatever help and support you need for your pregnancy and birth trauma

Honestly I think you’re being over sensitive. I’d think about why you’re having that reaction. It’s clearly a sensitive topic for you.

Just have your husband have a quiet word. Either we don’t want any more, or we want to wait snd see, please don’t mention it again, whatever.

However I’d focus on why the question is so sensitive for you. She’s not asking about your sex life, or being a pervert in some way, I think you know that,

I wouldn't be vague. Just say "I'd prefer not to talk about it yet thanks. I'm sure you can understand why. Could we talk about something else? Will you be going to see the new James Bond film?" Or similar.

Otherwise you are leaving the door open for her to keep asking. You have to shut it down so that it would be rude for her to keep going.

I agree with the PP who said you should get your partner to say something ahead of time too.

‘No, no plans at the moment.’ Smile and change the subject.

If you give a reason, it gives someone the opportunity to disagree with it.
Since your dh made the comments about the difficulties before, she is pointing out it might be very different the next time - this is true, and she may think she is helping you both with these fears! Sounds like she has more than one child and may simply be thinking that would make you both happy.
Cut it off for now, don't give reasons be more general like "oh we don't even want to talk about that till this one is in nursery" (or whatever).
If she is a nice woman then this isn't likely to be nastiness on her behalf. If she isn't, that's a different story!

Any reason why you can't speak for yourself and just tell her rhe truth? Not on the cards any time soon due to your birth experience and you would like no more to be said on the matter? Or something along the lines of you don't dislike discussing your business but won't be having anymore and prefer not to be asked about it.

I had birth complications after ds and was asked by my mil if I would have more despite her knowing the issues. I calmly told her not any time soon but if I did I would let her know alongside anyone else. I'm due very soon and my son is 4 so it took me a long time to decide whether I wanted a third. Sometimes you just have to be blunt.

It's absolutely no one else's business op, I had a traumatic birth with my first and we took our own sweet time to decide to finally try for another six years later.
In between times I learned to answer those intrusive questions with either an offhand 'Oh, we think one is a nice round number' or with younger women 'Ooh it's not my turn' followed by a big wink and a tinkly little laugh.
Don't spend time thinking about answering this shit, just make sure you've always got a couple of lines in your arsenal.

HekatestorchI would be equally annoyed if colleagues, friends or my family asked about it! I’d know how to respond if a friend asked, not so much in this scenario.

Then, I would have a look at the ones suggested and go with what works.

Its annoying, I don't think it's meant to be hurtful. When people ask it, it's not a question about your family planning g or sex life. Most people compartmentalise sex from pregnancy in their own family and even friends. When you announce your pregnancy, no one feels like you are announcing something about your sex life.

We all know how babies are made, but when we are talking babies, that but gets put somewhere else. When someone asks how far along you are, they aren't thunk 'oh they must have had sex on x date'.

If you feel its personal just go with that. But people will ask. For some reason it seems to be a fairly popular question to ask. Then if you had a second they will ask 'ohhh is that you done....or you having a 3rd'.

Annoying, but it's not meant to be hurtful.

My inlaws are the exact same. I find it desperately intrusive. Why people feel the need to comment on it, I don’t know. I had:

IL: “so when we can expect some happy news?”
Me: “about what?”
IL: gestures to my stomach
Me: “about my IBS?”
IL: tinkly laughs “nooooooo. When are you having the next one?”
Me: “my next poo?”

At this point my husband stepped in as we were in the middle of Sunday lunch.

My tactic is to make people really spell it out so they realise how unreasonable it is to ask. You’ll find they naturally lose conviction and become uncomfortable.

I think you're being a bit oversensitive.

When you've been dating for a long time, people ask when you're going to get married.

Once you're married, they start asking when you'll start a family.

Once you've had a baby, they start asking whether you'll have another one.

A bit personal maybe but still very common and usual IME.

It's not like she's a stranger on the street. She was talking to her son. I know my mum and I had these sorts of conversations and it didn't offend me. I hope I can talk to my daughter in a similar way too - close family should be able to chat about such things I think. There are plenty of polite ways to shut it down if you don't want to talk about it, but not something to get annoyed or upset about really.

I think it is an insensitive and stupid question to ask of anyone, it's no one else's business ... your baby is six months old why would you need to be planning the next one so soon. I don't think it's a kind question from a nice place I think it's rude and ignorant to ask and maybe if people were told This they would stop. Luckily my MIL, Etc wouldn't dream of asking but random people who I hardly know have....once after an early miscarriage....you don't know what's happening in someone's life better just to keep quiet and comment on the weather if you have to make small talk! Family planning isn't small talk!

Another good one is an offhand “why are you asking that?”

It catches people really off-guard. Makes them uncomfortable and makes them hopefully reconsider ever asking anyone again.

Your child is under 6 months old you say. I'm just genuinely surprised she is even thinking about you having another. Sounds like it would have been possibly traumatic with a difficult pregnancy and then your little one in hospital for a while. It's a big adjustment having a baby and they are still so young. I would maybe laugh it off and say no I haven't thought about it. Dc is only 6 months. We are focused on them at the moment.
I do agree though it generally seems to be something people ask. Personally for me my husband had cancer not long after our first born so no one asked me as they were aware treatment could have affected his fertility. (We were blessed with another child in time) but I've certainly heard friends and colleagues being asked this question.
Or you could also may be joke and say have you not got enough grandchildren to love and spoil?!

YANBU, but I'm sure she means well. Politely tell her you're not comfortable talking about it and hopefully she respects that and you can both move on.

Our LO is 19m now and recently we've had loads of people asking about no.2, one even saying "oh you're expecting again?" no it seems when we got to around the 18m mark, it was a given I'd be pregnant again. I just say something along the lines of "not yet", or "we love having one". we're probably one and done.

I ended up snapping at my mil because she did a baby voice pretending to be my 3 month old saying ‘mummy I need a brother or sister I’m lonely!’ She knew I’d had a horrible traumatic birth. I was at that point in therapy for ptsd and was recovering from horrific birth injuries. I don’t know what she was thinking. Get your dh to have a word with her.

Such drama! Just say ‘no not yet’

I'm the opposite - I had twins - all 3 of us nearly died including long NICU stay - as they are boy/girl I get everyone including strangers saying how fortunate that my family is complete in one go and that "don't need to do it again".........except it's not and Ill totally be having more if I can

Yeah, I would say that you’re most definitely stopping at one. Be really emphatic.Stop this conversation in its tracks. It really won’t matter if you change your mind at a later date.

We are currently concentrating on our existing daughter and adjusting to life as a family so a sibling is not
Something we will be considering in the near future.

I agree, she is not coming from a bad place. If he has told her you are one and done, and if that's actually what you have agreed, then I think he needs to tell her that in a serious conversation and let her know that any comments about that won't be welcome and are causing hurt (to him as well as you). Then she accepts adjusts and you can move on. Otherwise 'you can't ask that these days MIL, you could be really offending and upsetting us' and explain the general reasons its socially unacceptable to ask 'the couple might have all sorts going on and MIL keeping asking is going to be unwelcome.'

I don’t think it’s wrong to gently ask close family/friends if they’re considering another. Especially after a traumatic birth as it’s often something they might be struggling with or quite scared of and it never comes up naturally in conversation. I have 2 under 2 and a few of my mum friends have really opened up to be after I asked, it was obviously something that had been weighing on them.

She’s CRACKERS to be asking when your first is only 6 months old! I wouldn’t ask until DD was a toddler.

@Alloe

I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask about family planning

If it was a one-off, it's fine. It's just making small talk, up to you how you answer it. "we have our hands full" as above is good, laughing "just one for us" is ok too, even if you are in the middle of TTC. It's ok to lie, it's not (generally) about your sex life.

It's insisting and bringing back the subject several times which is very rude and when you need to be firmer and tell her to drop it.

say you have really got into anal so it's unlikely to happen...

Risky strategy, do you want to open that line of talk with your MIL 😂

Your child is under 6 months old you say. I'm just genuinely surprised she is even thinking about you having another.

In fairness, it's not such a shocking concept when you want to try to have them close to each other.