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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to ask about a sibling?

99 replies

Alloe · 18/08/2021 05:22

Maybe I’m being oversensitive about this. Have NC. I don’t think IABU?

I have a baby - she is under 6 months old. Difficult pregnancy, traumatic NICU stay for almost a month after she was born.

DH mentioned earlier that my MIL has mentioned on several occasions now about a sibling. AIBU to be upset about this? It was bad enough that she was talking about a sibling as “the next one might not be as bad” because apparently you “forget all about it” when I was still pregnant ☹️

We’re due to see them for lunch in a couple of weeks and I have a horrible feeling the topic will be brought up again, but to me this time. If IANBU, do you have any responses apart from “that’s personal” to “stop asking about my sex life”?!

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 18/08/2021 08:05

Soon after my MIL (divorced) got engaged, her and her fiancé were asking me when we were going to have a baby. They were satisfyingly baffled when I said we weren’t sure and asked them if they had any plans to have a baby.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/08/2021 08:07

I think it's intrusive for strangers to ask but family is different IMO. Not if they keep asking the same question though.

My first was born prematurely and traumatically and spent 6 weeks in SCBU and we were pregnant with our second by her first birthday so it doesn't automatically follow that you won't be ready for another for a long time (or at all). Telling people once should be enough though.

gurglebelly · 18/08/2021 08:12

Just say 'for gods sake MIL, she's 6 months old! Another wont even be on our radar for some time so please stop asking'

Betsythecheshirecat · 18/08/2021 08:13

We planned our two close together and I got pregnant when ds 1 was ten months old. We were delighted.

So many assumed ds2 was and "accident". He was a much wanted and planned for baby.

A woman at work asked if I had heard of contraception. Hmm

I think people just say what comes into their heads sometimes.

My sil had trouble getting pregnant after her first and has endured years of "she'll be wanting a brother or sister"… "when's number two coming along" (that one always made me laugh).

Saidtoomuch · 18/08/2021 08:18

This would be horrible “that’s personal” to “stop asking about my sex life”?! please don't let this be your reply. Unless your MIL is a really horrible person, just tell her that the question is upsetting and please leave it. I have a close relationship with my mil so we would have talked openly, but if you don't then your dh needs to have a word.

manhattenrain · 18/08/2021 08:19

@twinningatlife

I'm the opposite - I had twins - all 3 of us nearly died including long NICU stay - as they are boy/girl I get everyone including strangers saying how fortunate that my family is complete in one go and that "don't need to do it again".........except it's not and Ill totally be having more if I can
Seems like anytime someone has a boy and a girl people assume they are done as if the goal is just to have one boy and one girl. Or if someone has two girls and tries for a third that they must be trying for a boy. So odd.
grey12 · 18/08/2021 08:22

You have to be honest with her. Rudeness she wins, honesty you win.

Just say in a low assertive voice that you find uncomfortable/hurtful when she ask that question and that you don't want her to ask it again. When you and DH are ready then you'll have a PRIVATE discussion on the matter.

Mandalay246 · 18/08/2021 08:28

YABU to be upset about it, but YANBU to wish she wouldn't ask. I would just tell her that you will let her know when (and if) it happens. If she continues to ask I would be telling my DH, in no uncertain terms, that he has to shut her down.

lgina · 18/08/2021 08:29

@MyOtherProfile

DH needs to step in here and have a word with his mum ahead of time.
This
jellybe · 18/08/2021 08:40

I had exactly the same situation with MIL when my eldest was less then 6 months. She knew it had taken us years to fall pregnant with DC but she still asked me when would the next be coming along as she'd already bought a matching photo frame to put their pictures in the same as DC. I just laughed it off and said 'you'll be waiting a long time to use it'.

Honestly if she is already asking DH about it and the thought of her asking you is making you feel anxious get DH to have a word. But, be prepared for her to ignore that and still ask you out right. 'We're not' is a good response then change the subject. Don't engage with it should shut it down quickly.

Flamglimglubberty · 18/08/2021 08:52

I tend to find that comments that presume I'm having another one, or come across as a compulsion for another like "oh flamglim jr needs a sibling" or "he can't be an only child" rub me up the wrong way and are generally met with a rather blunt "one is enough, I'm done" from me.

Where as when people frame it as a general enquiry or chit chat like "would you like to have any more kids" I find it much less intrusive and I'm more inclined to discuss with them.

Chachachawoo · 18/08/2021 09:35

My sister had ivf for both her kids. It was a painful struggle and she had difficult births. Soon after her first baby she was asked by a nosey friend of family -when she was having another.
Out of nowhere she replied: "Not yet, but since you're keen on personal questions: do you and Gerald have an active sex life since the menopause? "
It was brilliant. Never seen someone actually turn puce so rapidly.

I would brush off mil with a simple: not yet. Let's enjoy this lovely baby for now.

lljkk · 18/08/2021 09:45

@Alloe

I don’t know why anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask about family planning Sad
but then why do we celebrate & say Congratulations when someone announces a pregnancy. Plus people can get very upset about announcements done in a casual way... An announcement is inviting people to know about your family planning. Do you plan never to announce pregnancy & are you equally upset if anyone says Congratulations on the pregnancy or birth?

re MIL, I imagine deflecting with humour: "I'll think about that if I ever get used to having even this one child"

twinningatlife · 18/08/2021 09:47

@manhattenrain

I usually respond with "I'm trying for triplets on my next pregnancy" 🤣

cravingmilkshake · 18/08/2021 12:54

I am not a sweary person usually and I ended up responding one day to someone "when I can finally shit again without it hurting, I might consider it"

Daughter just turned two and we have twins on the way next month 😂

Cuddlyrottweiler · 18/08/2021 13:02

I've had the same "No, it was traumatic enough the first time." Is my response

TillyTopper · 18/08/2021 13:16

I simply replied "We're not!" I prepped DP first though as if you have discussed more DCs later than he might be surprised! It shut her up, she didn't ask again.

nokidshere · 18/08/2021 13:24

Don't do 'quiet words' or 'get dh to tell her' just tell her firmly and assertively that it is not a subject up for discussion then change the subject. Of course she might surprise you and not even mention it.

soughsigh · 18/08/2021 13:36

It drove me up the wall as well! I knew that I was aiming for a 2 year age gap so would start trying again when our son was around 15 months, but if anyone asked I would tell them that we hadn't decided yet. For my mother, I think I told her that she would be the first to know if there was any news.

Why do people need to be so nosy?

2bazookas · 18/08/2021 13:37

"MIL, how would you feel if we suggested it's time you should think about a second husband".

godmum56 · 18/08/2021 13:49

@Bluntness100

Honestly I think you’re being over sensitive. I’d think about why you’re having that reaction. It’s clearly a sensitive topic for you.

Just have your husband have a quiet word. Either we don’t want any more, or we want to wait snd see, please don’t mention it again, whatever.

However I’d focus on why the question is so sensitive for you. She’s not asking about your sex life, or being a pervert in some way, I think you know that,

I had this happen to me some 40 years ago...not from Mil but from a friend of hers...not when is the next but when will the first be coming along. I found it as intrusive as fuck and used to deliberately change the subject to the weather or what was on TV....something that was clearly a subject change. It wasn't a "sensitive subject" to me, just the assumption that that is what I should be doing.
WorraLiberty · 18/08/2021 13:50

It really doesn't have to be a big deal.

Just reply with "I dunno" and then rinse and repeat if necessary.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 18/08/2021 13:58

The thing is, you had a traumatic start with your baby, it’s still fresh, and she’s had a couple of runs at this with your husband - you’re going to be on your guard. This isn’t your run of the mill nosey family planning questioning that people ought to know better about.

There’s a degree of sensitivity that she ought to bloody well have and wind her damned neck in.

I’d be on edge about it too.

Either your husband deals with it in advance (“don’t ask about more children, I’ve told you more than once already that we’re not even thinking about it at the moment - just don’t even ask”) or you do it yourself when she raises it and say something along the lines of “he/she was in NICU for a month, we’ve been home for less than x months, and it was an incredibly difficult time for both of us. Now isn’t the time to even be thinking about more children and I can’t be believe you’d think it’s ok to ask.”

Pipsquiggle · 18/08/2021 14:09

It really does my head in. Why do people think they can ask about this stuff?

If she asks you, tell her straight.

starfishmummy · 18/08/2021 14:33

I'll be sure to put you on the list of people to tell if it happens.