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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that parents are taking one set of grandchildren on holiday?

97 replies

Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:09

Hello!
First post- just need to understand if I’m BU or not…
My parents today mentioned that they are taking my sister’s children on holiday for a week during the next half term ( UK seaside, holiday park). Not going with my sister, just taking the children, not all her children, only 3 as they cannot fit all 5 in the car.
No mention of taking the other 3 or my own 2 children on holiday another time.
AIBU to feel this is a bit unfair on the grandchildren they are not taking on holiday?

There isn’t really much of a back story to this, they usually treat them all quite fairly to be honest.
I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while, but I just feel like the children not going won’t see it like that and will wonder why some of the grandchildren get to go on a holiday with grandparents and others don’t.
My own grandparents did a similar thing when I was a child with one set of grandkids and it always made me feel left out and I’m just really surprised my parents are now doing the same!
I said to my mum I thought it was a bit unfair, and won’t say anything else as it’s their choice what they do but she seemed to think the explanation that the can only fit 3 in the car made it ok!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 17/08/2021 17:23

What @DelphiniumBlue said on P1.

Also Bring yours up to be glad for other people having opportunities, not resentful.

This ^

It is a good opportunity to help your dc understand what seems to have passed you by, that you do not have to give identical things to everyone, to treat them all fairly. Being fair does NOT equal doing the same to each person.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 17/08/2021 17:36

Sounds absolutely fine to me. I can’t imagine a grandparent on earth who’d volunteer to take 7 DGC on holiday together Grin.

itsgettingwierd · 17/08/2021 17:42

Then that makes no sense.

I would have thought either the 2 13yo or even the 3 9/10 yo's (Because teens can go out alone locally with friends).

phishy · 17/08/2021 17:44

When did your sister last go on holiday?

Treating children equally doesn’t necessarily mean treating them all the same.

If this holiday with DGPs is the first in a few years for your nieces and nephews then you are being very unreasonable, as you have acknowledged you take your own kids away a lot.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 17/08/2021 17:47

They obviously can't take all of the children but I don't think that should mean they can't take any. If they can only take three it makes sense to take the ones who have fewer holidays and perhaps the oldest three. I'm assuming their parents agreed to it.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 17/08/2021 17:49

And you can simply explain to your children (if you need to) that grandparents are taking their cousins because they haven't had a holiday.

ScribblingPixie · 17/08/2021 17:51

I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while

I agree this is the key point and how you'd explain it to your kids. I can't see a problem - they're doing a nice thing.

LunaLula83 · 17/08/2021 17:59

Don't be greedy. Your kids have been on lots of holidays by the sound of it.

caringcarer · 17/08/2021 18:07

I would not be very happy if my children were excluded unless they were told you will go next time on holiday with us.

lazyarse123 · 17/08/2021 18:20

Why are pp concentrating on the ops children? What about the two siblings who aren't going but are old enough to know they've been left out.
I despair of mumsnet lately seems to be attracting the hard of understanding.

Billandben444 · 17/08/2021 18:30

Why are pp concentrating on the ops children? What about the two siblings who aren't going but are old enough to know they've been left out.I despair of mumsnet lately seems to be attracting the hard of understanding
Because their mum hasn't come on here to have a moan about how unfair life is!

Frazzled2207 · 17/08/2021 18:33

Well I wouldn’t expect them to take 7(!?) kids on holiday at the same time. I’d be assuming it was your kids’ or the other siblings’ turn next time.

My own parents do stuff like this with my children but they are their only grandchildren.
In laws are exceedingly careful to be totally fair with all children.

NotNowBernarrd · 17/08/2021 19:19

Why are pp concentrating on the ops children? What about the two siblings who aren't going but are old enough to know they've been left out.I despair of mumsnet lately seems to be attracting the hard of understanding
The OP's children are of a similar age to the holiday children. The other two siblings are under nine and probably under seven as their sibling is nine so may not be ready to go away on holiday without their parents. And if they are they are harder work for grandparents.

TwoLeftElbows · 17/08/2021 21:11

@lazyarse123

Why are pp concentrating on the ops children? What about the two siblings who aren't going but are old enough to know they've been left out. I despair of mumsnet lately seems to be attracting the hard of understanding.
Because this is just one time and they are likely used to taking turns. A friend of mine says this is the hardest thing about having 4 DC - there's no one who can take all 4 at once. They are very careful to give them turns and not play favourites. Youngest DC tend to do ok, they will be the ones still at home when the older ones are away and supporting themselves.
Legoisawesome · 17/08/2021 21:35

My in laws have taken my sil and her kids on holiday every year and never taken mine or offered to take us all even once. It does cause a lot of resentment and sadly damaged my husbands relationship with his mum and she is no longer here to fix it. My fil does appear to be seeing how unfair they have been though so maybe the balance will eventually be readdressed a bit

Merryoldgoat · 17/08/2021 21:41

I think situations like this are a good chance to teach about fair and equal being different.

Your children go away a lot. You’re able to provide that for then.

Your sister can’t so grandparents are helping provide something that you already do.

Children need to learn that circumstances differ and how they are treated day to day is what’s important.

You say they’re generally treated equally - I think that’s the important bit.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2021 21:46

If you take your children away a lot and your sister doesn't, then that is the reason they chose your sister's children over yours. They couldn't take all of them, and if they are not getting on one of your parents possibly thought taking children might make the holiday more bearable.

If you go on holiday a lot, could you offer to take your sister's two children who have missed out.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 17/08/2021 21:55

My ils bought a 3 bedroom static caravan.. Only ever took sil's dc away. When they annual fees got too much they sold it and took sil's dc abroad instead.. Mine never even got an invite for tea...
Twats.

Kite22 · 17/08/2021 22:55

I would not be very happy if my children were excluded unless they were told you will go next time on holiday with us.

I see this very different understanding of the word "excluded" quite a lot on MN.
The OP's dc haven't been "excluded".
You should go and look up the word in a dictionary.

MargaretThursday · 17/08/2021 23:33

I think you're putting your childhood anger onto the situation.

In your first post, you say they're normally fair. Then later you say you've overlooked a lot of favouritism.
You also say that yours get lots of holidays in comparison to theirs... Then later say only this year.
You say originally they've never done it before, but you're certain they won't make it up to the others ever.
I don't think you're seeing straight over the situation.

It clearly is bothering you that yours weren't asked, or you wouldn't have mentioned yours at all, it would be about taking away 3 out of 5 children.

If they don't take 3, then none get a holiday. And all 5 stay at home. The younger pair staying at home get more attention from mum. Maybe she'll be able to take them to places she wouldn't otherwise and they'll think they've had the best of the deal.
One of mine would rather stay at home with me, even now in their mid teens.
They may have promised another trip when the younger two are older.
There's plenty of situations where it won't be an issue.

As others have said being fair isn't always about being equal.
My dc's grandparents are fair, but have done different things with each child depending on circumstance, the individual child and their own current situation.

Buttercup54321 · 18/08/2021 00:33

Maybe you can take your sisters younger two on holiday with you next time?

Billandben444 · 18/08/2021 06:44

Maybe you can take your sisters younger two on holiday with you next time?
Now that's a good suggestion to even things out. OP??

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