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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that parents are taking one set of grandchildren on holiday?

97 replies

Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:09

Hello!
First post- just need to understand if I’m BU or not…
My parents today mentioned that they are taking my sister’s children on holiday for a week during the next half term ( UK seaside, holiday park). Not going with my sister, just taking the children, not all her children, only 3 as they cannot fit all 5 in the car.
No mention of taking the other 3 or my own 2 children on holiday another time.
AIBU to feel this is a bit unfair on the grandchildren they are not taking on holiday?

There isn’t really much of a back story to this, they usually treat them all quite fairly to be honest.
I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while, but I just feel like the children not going won’t see it like that and will wonder why some of the grandchildren get to go on a holiday with grandparents and others don’t.
My own grandparents did a similar thing when I was a child with one set of grandkids and it always made me feel left out and I’m just really surprised my parents are now doing the same!
I said to my mum I thought it was a bit unfair, and won’t say anything else as it’s their choice what they do but she seemed to think the explanation that the can only fit 3 in the car made it ok!

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/08/2021 15:13

I think only taking three out of one family and the others remaining at home is a bad idea. They will feel very left out.
A different household is slightly different, although it’s still unequal treatment.

gogohm · 17/08/2021 15:16

I think it's fine to take the three oldest, then in 2-3 years take the younger two. Your children are already having a holiday so they are helping your sister out

CoronaPeroni · 17/08/2021 15:20

You see how important it is to manage children's expectations. If your parents had managed yours then you would have seen it as a positive action towards your cousins instead of a negative action against you. Your children won't be upset unless you allow them to be.

thereisonlyoneofme · 17/08/2021 15:21

I would think that the grandparents think they cant cope with all the children even if there was room.

Floralnomad · 17/08/2021 15:23

If this is the only time they’ve shown any favouritism I’d just let it go , I don’t treat both my children identically all the time , it’s swings and roundabouts so I wouldn’t expect anyone else to do so . It’s only an issue if one or two are consistently favoured .

234Pepperplant · 17/08/2021 15:28

Honestly I’d be grateful my children were being left out of it, especially as you can give them similar opportunities yourself. A holiday with a couple who can’t see the emotional implications of what they’re planning on the other children and who don’t like each other and are in the midst of a divorce doesn’t actually sound all that much fun.

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 15:28

@CoronaPeroni

You see how important it is to manage children's expectations. If your parents had managed yours then you would have seen it as a positive action towards your cousins instead of a negative action against you. Your children won't be upset unless you allow them to be.
The situation with my own grandparents was completely different to this, they treated us completely differently to their other grandchildren and made sure we knew it- I’ve been non contact with them all my adult life

I won’t be letting my children be upset by this at all, and will frame it for them in a positive light.

I think I’ve overlooked other times my parents have shown favouritism to certain grandchildren as I didn’t want to think they would be like that. And this particular random holiday has brought those feelings up for me.

The general consensus is that aibu so I will just put it out of my mind! Not that it would be in my nature to say anything to them about it anyway!

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 17/08/2021 15:30

Stop being bitter! Poor kids haven’t been away and yours have but you’re moaning it’s unfair Hmm some people just can’t stand to see others have something.

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 15:30

@234Pepperplant

Honestly I’d be grateful my children were being left out of it, especially as you can give them similar opportunities yourself. A holiday with a couple who can’t see the emotional implications of what they’re planning on the other children and who don’t like each other and are in the midst of a divorce doesn’t actually sound all that much fun.
Absolutely- the more I think about it, the more relieved I am that they didn’t invite mine!
OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2021 15:30

You can’t seriously expect them to take all 7/8, it’s unclear in your first post how many because there’s a discrepancy, grandchildren on holiday at the same time?

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 15:34

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You can’t seriously expect them to take all 7/8, it’s unclear in your first post how many because there’s a discrepancy, grandchildren on holiday at the same time?
I don’t expect them to take all 7 at one time no.

They are taking 3 out of my sister’s 5
I have 2.

OP posts:
NotNowBernarrd · 17/08/2021 15:37

Surely when children have four siblings they are used to some doing an activity and others not doing it. Otherwise you would get 15 year olds being dragged to petting zoos and two year olds at music concerts.

Billandben444 · 17/08/2021 15:39

Bring yours up to be glad for other people having opportunities, not resentful.
This.
I also wouldn't worry about your sister's other children - that's something for her to explain.

Di11y · 17/08/2021 16:09

I guess it's about being equitable rather than equal. If the others won't get a holiday otherwise its a nice thing to do.

My in laws took one of my children (7yo) and a cousin (only child) for a week this summer, but not my youngest (4yo). The difference is she'll hopefully get her chance when she's older, or at least a sleepover or something.

Fernando072020 · 17/08/2021 16:12

@DelphiniumBlue

I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while There's your answer. If you think your DC won't understand that, then you need to explain it to them - they've had lots of holidays and their cousins haven't. I'm guessing the GP took the 3 oldest ones, have they said how they decided which if the siblings to take?
Agreed. I think your mum is just trying to do something nice for the set of grandkids who don't get nice holidays
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/08/2021 16:16

only 3 as they cannot fit all 5 in the car.
No mention of taking the other 3 or my own 2

Sorry I was confused because you said GPs were taking 3 out of 5 but they were leaving 3 plus your two behind.

JanisJ · 17/08/2021 16:23

@picklemewalnuts

Is it fair for some grandchildren to get holidays and others not? If I had 8 grandchildren, and 3 often went to the seaside while 5 never did, I would take the 5 as and when I was able, before the 3.

I agree with this.

Also depends on the ages of your kids and your sisters kids.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/08/2021 16:38

Grandparents + 5 kids? Or worse still 7. Even if they are the youngest sprightly GPS in the world that's a hell of an ask.

YABU

They are giving your sister a break in a manageable way for them and leaving her with 2 children to entertain for half term. Which will be like a holiday for them too. Or possibly not if she suddenly only has two to focus on Smile

As for your children - 2 rather than 5 are going to have more attention, likely more holidays and opportunities. At least give your parents the chance to spend time with them in due course than being so jealous and dog in the manger about it now.

itsgettingwierd · 17/08/2021 16:47

If the 3 going are between 9-13 how old are yours?

If younger I'd say they decided to take the 3 oldest for ease.

If you have ones in between ages it makes less sense because I would have personally taken the 3 eldest across them all as in my mind that's fairer!

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 16:49

@itsgettingwierd

If the 3 going are between 9-13 how old are yours?

If younger I'd say they decided to take the 3 oldest for ease.

If you have ones in between ages it makes less sense because I would have personally taken the 3 eldest across them all as in my mind that's fairer!

Mine are 13 & 10
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 17/08/2021 16:54

They must have their own reasons for this arrangement. so that's that. No point making an issue about it, or getting in a huff.

olidora63 · 17/08/2021 17:04

It would be a lot for anyone whatever their age to take 5 children on holiday…the two left behind will have the benefit of more attention from their parents. Children also move on very quickly and probably will not be too fussed at all .

Skye85 · 17/08/2021 17:10

I think the people that are commenting that it's OK aren't realising they are only taking 3 of your sisters 5 children on holiday.

Yes they can't all fit in the car but I think they should arrange a break with the other 2 to make it fair.

NotNowBernarrd · 17/08/2021 17:18

@Skye85

I think the people that are commenting that it's OK aren't realising they are only taking 3 of your sisters 5 children on holiday.

Yes they can't all fit in the car but I think they should arrange a break with the other 2 to make it fair.

Do you? I don't get that impression at all.

RichTeaTime · 17/08/2021 17:18

Maybe they don't approve of the SIL having 5 and feel sorry for the older ones because - maybe not getting enough attention or something. Or maybe SIL asked them to take them away to giver her a break/ let them have a holiday as they wouldn't otherwise / because she expects GPs to favour her DCs.

You don't really know.

It's a shame but it is a fact that the older 3 will get little attention with a new baby and little one around. That is not the case for your two.

If you don't mention it much how will yours even know.
I would play it down.