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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that parents are taking one set of grandchildren on holiday?

97 replies

Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:09

Hello!
First post- just need to understand if I’m BU or not…
My parents today mentioned that they are taking my sister’s children on holiday for a week during the next half term ( UK seaside, holiday park). Not going with my sister, just taking the children, not all her children, only 3 as they cannot fit all 5 in the car.
No mention of taking the other 3 or my own 2 children on holiday another time.
AIBU to feel this is a bit unfair on the grandchildren they are not taking on holiday?

There isn’t really much of a back story to this, they usually treat them all quite fairly to be honest.
I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while, but I just feel like the children not going won’t see it like that and will wonder why some of the grandchildren get to go on a holiday with grandparents and others don’t.
My own grandparents did a similar thing when I was a child with one set of grandkids and it always made me feel left out and I’m just really surprised my parents are now doing the same!
I said to my mum I thought it was a bit unfair, and won’t say anything else as it’s their choice what they do but she seemed to think the explanation that the can only fit 3 in the car made it ok!

OP posts:
ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 17/08/2021 14:26

I do take my children away a lot and my sisters children haven’t been on a holiday for a while, but I just feel like the children not going won’t see it like that

This is the important bit.

And it’s up to you to manage your children’s response to this.

Did you really expect them to take all of the children, how would they have managed thag? And what can they afford?

disneydreaming · 17/08/2021 14:27

My parents have taken my kids on holiday and left my niece. Other times they've taken my niece and not my two and sometimes they have just taken my oldest.

As long as they spend individual time and attention with all there grandchildren I can't really see the issue. Chances are they might take the other grandchildren at a later date?

No one could expect them to manage to take seven children on holiday all at the same time?

It sounds like they are trying to give your sisters children a nice treat as your sister has not been able to give them a holiday?
Surely you don't grudge your nieces and nephews a holiday?
You've said yourself your children have been fortunate enough to have lots of holidays so if they get upset explain how fortunate they are and that their grandparents are just trying to give their cousins a nice treat as they have not been lucky enough to go on holiday like them?

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:30

@StormyTeacups

How old are the kids not going? As in, your sister's kids? You can't possibly be expecting them to take all 7 at once?

I would assume they're helping your sister out, 5 children on the whole is harder than 2

The kids going are aged between 9 and 13,

No I don’t expect them to take them all. But if it was me I would say we will of course take the others another time or do something with them, but they haven’t.

My parents don’t usually go on holiday or go away together so it’s not like the others will be going another time with them!

I think it just feels a bit uncomfortable for me as my grandparents did the same thing, and I always felt they didn’t like me as much and I never had a good relationship with them. May parents knew this and now they are doing something similar!

OP posts:
Areyouseriousrightnow · 17/08/2021 14:30

I think your parents are trying to do something nice for your sister, who has a lot of children and as you say they don’t go away much. She and the children deserve the break, and I’m sure your children would understand and if not you can explain it to them. It isn’t a question of ‘left out’ it’s a question of context.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 17/08/2021 14:30

Your sister will be able to spend a bit of extra time and money on the two younger ones, hopefully.

Treating fairly doesn't necessarily mean treating identically

I agree with this. Unless there is a history of your sister/her children being treated more favourably than yours, I do think it'll work itself out over time.

picklemewalnuts · 17/08/2021 14:31

My sister always counted and kept track of who'd had what and who'd been hard done by. She brought her kids up to be the same. None of them are happier for it. It's a race to the bottom. Bring yours up to be glad for other people having opportunities, not resentful.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/08/2021 14:31

Mine used to take me and my sibling abroad but none of my cousins or younger siblings. I think they felt sorry for us as we had an absent dad.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/08/2021 14:32

Younger half siblings I should say for mumsnet

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:34

@disneydreaming

My parents have taken my kids on holiday and left my niece. Other times they've taken my niece and not my two and sometimes they have just taken my oldest.

As long as they spend individual time and attention with all there grandchildren I can't really see the issue. Chances are they might take the other grandchildren at a later date?

No one could expect them to manage to take seven children on holiday all at the same time?

It sounds like they are trying to give your sisters children a nice treat as your sister has not been able to give them a holiday?
Surely you don't grudge your nieces and nephews a holiday?
You've said yourself your children have been fortunate enough to have lots of holidays so if they get upset explain how fortunate they are and that their grandparents are just trying to give their cousins a nice treat as they have not been lucky enough to go on holiday like them?

I don’t grudge them getting a holiday at all!

Maybe they will take the others another time but for various reasons to long to go into I don’t think that will be the case.

OP posts:
Thefantasticfour · 17/08/2021 14:38

I'm quite interested in reading the responses on here because I'm in a very similar situation atm with my MIL. I have 4 DC, 6, 4, 2 and 8months. My SIL has 2 DC, 5 and newborn. They own an old vw camper van and also a car, and they both drive. They promised my two eldest a couple of months ago that they would take them away on holiday in the camper, that they would arrange something near the seaside and send me the details. My two eldest have asked me about this numerous times but my MIL has never mentioned it again. 3 weeks ago, my SIL gave birth to her youngest, and then last week we saw photos of my PIL on holiday with my SIL eldest. Apparently this was to help them have time with the new baby, a privilege I never had when having my DC, infact they dropped my two eldest off at the hospital the day after I have birth to DC3 prematurely and very traumatically but that's another story. They then popped over a couple of days ago and said they'd been thinking, and since things had went well having my SIL DC on holiday, they wanted to arrange to go again this time taking my SIL eldest and my eldest but none of the others. I don't have an issue with this at all regarding the youngest ones, theyr too young to understand, but my DC2 who is 4, and to some extent my DC3, would be very aware of the fact that he hadn't been taken with them. He's very close to my DC1 and I can in no way cover up where my eldest would be going or who she would be going with. I also have no explanation to give him as to why he wouldn't be going. My MIL explanation is they don't want to take the other car, so they would take my eldest in her car seat in the van with them and expect my SIL to drive her eldest to meet them, drop her off and drive home again, then pick her up after the weekend and drive her home again. Clearly taking their other car would alleviate all issues, my SIL driving lots of 200mile round trips with a newborn and my son being excluded, but they just don't fancy taking the car. I'm on the verge of not allowing her to take my eldest because I can't bear to break my boys heart like that, but I'm just really waiting until she mentions it again because going off her track record the whole thing could be an empty promise anyway. So I'd say no, yanbu, it is unfair on the others if they aren't going to get their turn too, because I know how upset my other children would be.

Areyouseriousrightnow · 17/08/2021 14:38

I think it’s your job as a parent to help your children to understand the difference between fair and equal as PP said. It sounds a little bit like you’re projecting your own issues from feeling left out of holidays as a child, you can do something about this with your own children.

elliejjtiny · 17/08/2021 14:41

It's fine as long as they spend time with the others as well (not necessarily a holiday). My brother gets a lot of help with childcare from my parents but my parents pay for my dc to do piano lessons. It all works out about the same.

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:42

@Areyouseriousrightnow

I think it’s your job as a parent to help your children to understand the difference between fair and equal as PP said. It sounds a little bit like you’re projecting your own issues from feeling left out of holidays as a child, you can do something about this with your own children.
Yes probably am projecting my own childhood issues on this.

My kids will be fine about it, I will just explain it as has been suggested, cousins don’t get holidays, this is a great opportunity for them etc.

Maybe it’s the feelings from childhood that have made me feel uncomfortable about this rather than the actual situation today

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 17/08/2021 14:43

@foreverandalways

My mum did this with my eldest child for years and left my other two children out until I put a complete stop to it

good on you.. 🌸

AuntMargo · 17/08/2021 14:44

I have 2 adult daughters , the eldest and her partner have very good jobs and plenty of money, 2 kids who go away lots too. My youngest is single and has little money, has 1 child. I will always make sure my grandchild to my youngest goes on holidays even if paid for by me. I think you are being selfish

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:45

@Thefantasticfour

I'm quite interested in reading the responses on here because I'm in a very similar situation atm with my MIL. I have 4 DC, 6, 4, 2 and 8months. My SIL has 2 DC, 5 and newborn. They own an old vw camper van and also a car, and they both drive. They promised my two eldest a couple of months ago that they would take them away on holiday in the camper, that they would arrange something near the seaside and send me the details. My two eldest have asked me about this numerous times but my MIL has never mentioned it again. 3 weeks ago, my SIL gave birth to her youngest, and then last week we saw photos of my PIL on holiday with my SIL eldest. Apparently this was to help them have time with the new baby, a privilege I never had when having my DC, infact they dropped my two eldest off at the hospital the day after I have birth to DC3 prematurely and very traumatically but that's another story. They then popped over a couple of days ago and said they'd been thinking, and since things had went well having my SIL DC on holiday, they wanted to arrange to go again this time taking my SIL eldest and my eldest but none of the others. I don't have an issue with this at all regarding the youngest ones, theyr too young to understand, but my DC2 who is 4, and to some extent my DC3, would be very aware of the fact that he hadn't been taken with them. He's very close to my DC1 and I can in no way cover up where my eldest would be going or who she would be going with. I also have no explanation to give him as to why he wouldn't be going. My MIL explanation is they don't want to take the other car, so they would take my eldest in her car seat in the van with them and expect my SIL to drive her eldest to meet them, drop her off and drive home again, then pick her up after the weekend and drive her home again. Clearly taking their other car would alleviate all issues, my SIL driving lots of 200mile round trips with a newborn and my son being excluded, but they just don't fancy taking the car. I'm on the verge of not allowing her to take my eldest because I can't bear to break my boys heart like that, but I'm just really waiting until she mentions it again because going off her track record the whole thing could be an empty promise anyway. So I'd say no, yanbu, it is unfair on the others if they aren't going to get their turn too, because I know how upset my other children would be.
It’s a really difficult situation.

In my case the others won’t get a turn and I know they won’t and that makes me feel sad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:49

@picklemewalnuts

My sister always counted and kept track of who'd had what and who'd been hard done by. She brought her kids up to be the same. None of them are happier for it. It's a race to the bottom. Bring yours up to be glad for other people having opportunities, not resentful.
I honestly don’t keep track- I’m not like that! It probably seems like it from my post but I’m just being honest with how it made me feel, I won’t be expressing this to them or my children
OP posts:
Littleheart5 · 17/08/2021 14:51

Gosh, how are you even asking this question 🤨. Your parents are doing a nice thing by bringing kids who don’t have many holidays on holidays. You admit your kids have more holidays and you still want them to be brought away?

I think it’s awful you would make your parents feel bad about this for even a minute, for fear they won’t bring your sisters kids again and then they’ll have no holidays. Honestly, have a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and stop thinking only of your own (apparently more privileged) kids. Can’t you be happy that your nieces/nephews are having a holiday when their own mum can’t provide one?

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/08/2021 14:53

What ages are the siblings left behind? If they're toddlers, it's reasonable enough that they'd take the older ones?

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 14:56

@GreyhoundG1rl

What ages are the siblings left behind? If they're toddlers, it's reasonable enough that they'd take the older ones?
They are not toddlers- 6&8 so old enough to know all about the holiday and that their older siblings are going.
OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 17/08/2021 14:59

@Thefantasticfour
Why would they take a car if they are holidaying in a campervan? Take a car as well, do you mean? Maybe they want to travel together?

JustLyra · 17/08/2021 14:59

I think it’s rather random that you’re so adamant the other kids won’t ever get away with them - given this is a new thing for your parents to do why are you so sure it’ll be a one off?

MIL takes various of our kids away at different times. She couldn’t take all 6 and when she takes 2 or 3 at a time it gives her the chance to do very specific things with those kids. Last weekend she was away with one of them for a shared hobby.
By all means if they start only treating some of the kids all of the time then it’s fair enough to complain, but the first time they do something - when they can’t possibly take them all - at least give them the chance to not bother with any of the rest before ranting about it.

Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 15:00

@Littleheart5

Gosh, how are you even asking this question 🤨. Your parents are doing a nice thing by bringing kids who don’t have many holidays on holidays. You admit your kids have more holidays and you still want them to be brought away?

I think it’s awful you would make your parents feel bad about this for even a minute, for fear they won’t bring your sisters kids again and then they’ll have no holidays. Honestly, have a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and stop thinking only of your own (apparently more privileged) kids. Can’t you be happy that your nieces/nephews are having a holiday when their own mum can’t provide one?

I don’t want my children brought with them and will not be making anyone feel bad about anything! Their mum and her DH can and have provided holidays for them! just not this year…
OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrirose · 17/08/2021 15:03

@JustLyra

I think it’s rather random that you’re so adamant the other kids won’t ever get away with them - given this is a new thing for your parents to do why are you so sure it’ll be a one off?

MIL takes various of our kids away at different times. She couldn’t take all 6 and when she takes 2 or 3 at a time it gives her the chance to do very specific things with those kids. Last weekend she was away with one of them for a shared hobby.
By all means if they start only treating some of the kids all of the time then it’s fair enough to complain, but the first time they do something - when they can’t possibly take them all - at least give them the chance to not bother with any of the rest before ranting about it.

This is because the holiday is so random- they never go away, it’s not like they go every year and all the kids will eventually get to go. They are also divorcing and don’t even like spending time together!
OP posts:
thelegohooverer · 17/08/2021 15:11

I was the gc who was taken on holiday by a gp - the only foreign holiday I’d ever been on. And there was uproar from the rest of the family about favouritism, despite their dc having multiple foreign holidays and the kind of fun childhoods that I couldn’t even imagine.
I have very little time for my extended family.