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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh never gets round to anything

91 replies

Tallaszara · 16/08/2021 21:40

Aibu? Does anyone else have this issue?

It's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but it winds me up at times.

Dh never gets round to sorting anything out. For example, if we wanted to go on holiday, even when we find somewhere we'd like to go he never gets round to actually booking it until I push it.

His parents babysit once in a while so that we can go out, but he never sorts out the arrangements properly. They are quite busy so we do need to arrange it in advance by get will just say he wants to go out but never get round to asking them, even if he does he won't communicate the times with them properly resulting in misunderstandings.

Or if we need to book a table somewhere, or a day out he never gets round to booking it or even discussing it.

Even things like getting his own hair cut, he doesn't bother making himself an appointment then gets annoyed when he realises he won't be getting his hair cut in time for our holiday.

It's like this about every single little thing, even something as simple as watching a movie together. He will ask me to watch a film, but then sit on his phone unless I instigate it.

It bothers me because I feel that I have to push him into everything then I feel his heart isn't really in it.

OP posts:
HalloHello · 16/08/2021 21:43

Oh my god my husband is exactly the same. I have no advice at all but I feel your frustration.

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/08/2021 21:46

If it were just activities with you, I’d think he doesn’t respect or like you very much. But you’ve said it’s everything and listed things...does this affect him at work too? Was he like this as a child and in school?
If so, I wonder if perhaps he has ADD? Might be worth getting him assessed. There is medication and therapy that could make a big difference to both your lives and relationship.

SophiesMummySaid · 16/08/2021 22:02

I hear you. I am on holiday right now with the kids and no husband because a) he didn’t renew his passport b) asked me to book and pay for him and he’d sort it c)with 2 and a half weeks to go didn’t pay for fast track application m.
I can’t let it stress me any longer, although it used to drive me INSANE. It’s his life that sucks as a result and I will carry on with mine. It’s made me very detached from him though, we’re not a ‘couple’ as such

3luckystars · 16/08/2021 22:04

Have you ever given him a checklist or asked him to write a list to tick off? It might help him enormously. I feel sorry for him, does he get mad at himself about it?

Shirleyphallus · 16/08/2021 22:07

Even things like getting his own hair cut, he doesn't bother making himself an appointment then gets annoyed when he realises he won't be getting his hair cut in time for our holiday.

It bothers me because I feel that I have to push him into everything then I feel his heart isn't really in it.

Stop organising him and micromanaging him

If you want to watch a film, watch the one you want to watch. If he doesn’t want to watch it he can tell you. If he forgets to book his haircut don’t remind him, he can learn he should have done it when his hair isn’t cut for his holiday.

Treat him like a toddler and stop enabling him and he’ll learn pretty quickly

QueenofLouisiana · 16/08/2021 22:11

I hear you. I also get upset when we talk about doing something, I put it into action and the DH says he didn’t realise that I was doing something about it “so soon”. This can be anything from getting a quote on a job in the house to booking a holiday.

Astoundingly, DH has a very responsible job and makes decisions which impact on 100s of people every day. Even DS thinks he must have some sort of split personality.

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/08/2021 22:11

One of many online tests, but you can read it and tick off what your DH is like.
psymed.info/add-test

bubblebubblebubbletrouble · 16/08/2021 22:14

I'm like this. I get round to things eventually but I just get distracted easily by other things (maybe or maybe not more important) I think it secretly drives my mum mad - but I honestly can't help it.

DismantledKing · 16/08/2021 22:16

@3luckystars

Have you ever given him a checklist or asked him to write a list to tick off? It might help him enormously. I feel sorry for him, does he get mad at himself about it?
Why the hell should she? He’s an adult.
GrandDuchessRomanov · 16/08/2021 22:17

All that fannying about would really put me off any bloke.

You need to stop mummying him.

Andante57 · 16/08/2021 22:20

Astoundingly, DH has a very responsible job and makes decisions which impact on 100s of people every day. Even DS thinks he must have some sort of split personality

The cobbler’s children go barefoot as the saying goes.

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/08/2021 22:22

@QueenofLouisiana

I hear you. I also get upset when we talk about doing something, I put it into action and the DH says he didn’t realise that I was doing something about it “so soon”. This can be anything from getting a quote on a job in the house to booking a holiday.

Astoundingly, DH has a very responsible job and makes decisions which impact on 100s of people every day. Even DS thinks he must have some sort of split personality.

This sounds more like a communication issue than an attention deficit issue.
VeganVeal · 16/08/2021 22:22

Lazy git, bin him off

AlbertBridge · 16/08/2021 22:22

My DH is like this. But only since we got married. He was much more dynamic before. I think I've broken him. 😢

Tablow · 16/08/2021 22:25

Mine does everything "in a minute". I asked him to take a bag of tools and screws etc that I'd collected from all the window sills around the house (!) To the garage and he said he'd do it in a minute. I popped piece of paper next to it where I started a tally chart for how many days he'd left it. It's 23 today. The bag is at the top of the stairs. I don't feel like I should sort it as I already rounded up all the bits. I also don't want to be on his case about if but really not sure what else I can do. Perhaps I change the WiFi code and leave the new one in the garage and some kind of scavenger hunt to find it leading from the box of bits. But maybe he could just put the bloody bag away!

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 16/08/2021 22:26

Could not live with someone who can't adult and contribute to things.
He doesn't arrange anything because it's not important to him .it's as simple as that!

3luckystars · 16/08/2021 22:27

Why the hell should she? He’s an adult.

To see if it helps him? She is married to him, I thought she might like him and want to help him. Wink
I didn’t mean write the list of things she wants him to do, but get the stuff out of his head and into a checklist and see if it helps him.
Then he might start making his own lists from now on.

I am a bit forgetful and use an app called Kanban and it really helps me. I wish I had known that such a thing existed, someone showed it to me and I am very grateful for that.

WavesAndLeaves · 16/08/2021 22:27

Mine's the same, and same as a OP I've stopped stepping in to drive things forward unless I specifically want to, but it does mean we're not really a partnership, but two individuals who love each other. Nice, but not what I thought our marriage would be.

kittenkipping · 16/08/2021 23:03

Mine can be like this, but not as bad as you describe op. Basically he is just very laid back. If x doesn't happen, it's okay. If y is late no worries. I'm the opposite. But for important things- like the passport (!) he finds his get up and go thankfully.

Original poster
Tallaszara · 17/08/2021 07:47

I don't think it affects him at work, in fact, a recent example was that we had arranged to do something and he loosely agreed to work that weekend in order to cover for someone else. He did manage to get out of it afterwards, but he'd completely forgotten/disregarded our own plans.

If we do book something important like a holiday, he will constantly ask me when we are going, but once the time actually comes he's very good at packing and organising. So he is perfectly capable, he just doesn't seem to deal with anything that isn't immediately in front of him or immediately affecting him. There zero forward planning.

So for example with the babysitting, it's him that wants us to go out, but he will repeatedly fail to make any arrangements until the day before which by then is usually too late.

I've asked him to please use his calendar on his phone for important dates.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 17/08/2021 08:01

DH is like this, but we now know that his poor memory was caused by a silent stroke.

I book holidays, car services, restaurant bookings etc now, otherwise we would never do anything or go anywhere

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/08/2021 09:07

OP, your example is actually one where it is affecting him at work because he double booked without realising and then had to go back on an agreement to work one weekend....which work must not have liked much.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 17/08/2021 09:08

sounds like executive dysfunction.
does he have ADHD?

joboclock · 17/08/2021 09:11

My DH is the same, if I ask him to do a task (e.g. order something for the house/move some furniture etc.) it takes an age and constant reminders -it's akin to managing a very disorganised employee

Brefugee · 17/08/2021 09:12

Make the arrangements for the things you really want to do and give him details. Then do it whether he has done his bit or not. Drop everything else.

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