Dh never gets round to anything

[Tallaszara]

Aibu? Does anyone else have this issue?

It's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but it winds me up at times.

Dh never gets round to sorting anything out. For example, if we wanted to go on holiday, even when we find somewhere we'd like to go he never gets round to actually booking it until I push it.

His parents babysit once in a while so that we can go out, but he never sorts out the arrangements properly. They are quite busy so we do need to arrange it in advance by get will just say he wants to go out but never get round to asking them, even if he does he won't communicate the times with them properly resulting in misunderstandings.

Or if we need to book a table somewhere, or a day out he never gets round to booking it or even discussing it.

Even things like getting his own hair cut, he doesn't bother making himself an appointment then gets annoyed when he realises he won't be getting his hair cut in time for our holiday.

It's like this about every single little thing, even something as simple as watching a movie together. He will ask me to watch a film, but then sit on his phone unless I instigate it.

It bothers me because I feel that I have to push him into everything then I feel his heart isn't really in it.

I don't think he has ADD although I suppose it's possible but he only fits a few of the symptoms. With the work thing someone else covered, dh was only a back up, so it all worked out without messing his work around.

I try to think well he's a pretty good man in most ways, but now and then it all comes to a bit of a head.

It's because it's the Summer holidays, which inevitably means things need a bit of organising and planning if we want to go away or have days out. I'm fed up of al and bring the one who has to remember and arrange everything or remind him to do his bit.

It's as though information just falls out of his head. All I really ask is that he notes important dates in his calendar then checks it occasionally.

So he is perfectly capable, he just doesn't seem to deal with anything that isn't immediately in front of him or immediately affecting him. There zero forward planning.

Yes. No forward planning. That's exactly if. My DH has zero initiative. He's brilliant if you tell him to do something. And I'm a bossy cow so we're quite a good fit 😂 But he won't ever think, "what's for dinner tomorrow, should I get something out of the freezer?" Or "it's going to be sunny this weekend, let's invite people round for a BBQ" Or "let's go on holiday this summer" or "maybe I should check my pension forecast" or "how much is in our joint account?"

I started this post quite light-heartedly, but typing that has really pissed me off!

@Tallaszara
We used to have this issue, partly because my husband's dyslexia means memory issues but he holds down a pretty full on job so he is able to cope when he has to.

What changed things for us was whenever he said he wanted to do something or wished he had done something I would point out that those statements weren't actually true. If you wanted to go on holiday you'd sort out the passport/ know when the flight was/arrange a house sitter, etc. Don't tell me how much you want to do something if you don't then follow through with the necessary actions.

This was such a shock to him, it hadn't occurred that I was basing his intent on his actions not his words. Eventually he managed to use the some skills he uses for his job, planners, diaries, lists, notes and miraculously things mostly get organised.

Aaargh, yes mine is like this too. Ironically it is me who has ADD and yet I end up organising everything: holidays, days out, social events, moving house, house renovations.

With my husband he is just very laid back and not at all bothered. He doesn't really care if we go on holiday or not. He enjoys it once he is there - so would I if some mug arranged it all for me on a plate! He would otherwise just be happy pottering in the house/garden, doing little bits of DIY, ambling out to B&Q sometimes several times a week because, guess what, he doesn't really think/plan what he is going to do. He cooks lovely meals and enjoys doing that but again he goes to the supermarket 2-3 times a week and then has to pop to Tesco Express as well as half the ingredients are missing. His dinners are often not ready until 9.30-10pm.

When we are getting ready to leave he will sit and read the paper until I start chivvying him, then look surprised.

moans about his job but does nothing to look for anything else, except after being made redundant. Both times he ended up getting a much better job/salary!

The upside is that I get to decide/choose everything! I am quite happy about that. I'm also a bit uptight and stressy because I am quite "driven" but find organising anything a real struggle, so he sort of counter-balances me ... I have learnt to relax a bit more and not panic so much. However, one time I did this (was too "relaxed" about going to the airport) and we missed the bloody plane! Shamefully that has now happened twice. I can't really take my eye off the ball for a second or it all comes tumbling down, and I don't have much backup!

@Tallaszara

you can't possibly judge if he has ADHD, unless you either also have it (so know most symptoms from own experience) or are a HCP.

probably best of he does an online self-assessment.
Non-neurotypical people have an entirely different set of motivations so if he has ADHD it's incredibly unfair if people (not saying you) call him lazy and all sorts of other things.
executive dysfunction is debilitating and not his fault.
HTH

@honeylulu

We're married to the same man. Can you have him this weekend? I just need a break!

I bet he functions well enough at work

See my DH was like this, I told him I had to do things ‘now’ like dinner, going to work, cleaning etc, and I don’t have the luxury of putting things off for ‘later’

So maybe try that, I’ll do dinner ‘later’ I’ll go to the shop ‘later’ and see how that works out. Same with anything else he needs urgently.

Yep. Ex-DP was like this. Since I ended it I've got so much more stuff done both around the house, and with the kids, because I'm not hanging around for his input/OK/to include him.

OP I sympathize. To those who don't understand why others end up taking over its because if you didn't nothing happens and if you have kids that's not fair!

@SophiesMummySaid

I hear you. I am on holiday right now with the kids and no husband because a) he didn’t renew his passport b) asked me to book and pay for him and he’d sort it c)with 2 and a half weeks to go didn’t pay for fast track application m. I can’t let it stress me any longer, although it used to drive me INSANE. It’s his life that sucks as a result and I will carry on with mine. It’s made me very detached from him though, we’re not a ‘couple’ as such

That's terrible. Are you sure he didn't do it on purpose to get out of family time, even on holiday abroad?

It seems to me that this is quite common. DH is very good at telling me what he's going to do but I have learned not to take him seriously. I once said "I'll believe it when I see it" and he did the promised task that day but I try not to do that too often. He complained to me once that I was planting willow saplings in a boggy part of our (large) garden where he was going to fell some dead trees. This was 2 years after he'd told me. A week later he felled one of the trees. 3 years later he still hasn't taken the other 3 down but the willows are doing well. Again, this is a man who had to work to deadlines (he's now retired) and did so successfully. I can't even use the excuse that he's retired because he was like this before.
You are not alone.

My DH is the same.. I just start the job, struggle like and he gets fed up and takes over. Otherwise he'll just say he'll do it and weeks later it's still not done.. like cutting the grass been waiting two bloody months

DH is the same. I just do everything myself, much easier for both of us. Plus I'm happier knowing I've done it right!

Mine is good if you give him a problem to solve. Like, "Our shower is crap". Then he'll spring into action. But he used that same shower every day for 5 years without realising/caring that it was crap.

Our guttering is blocked so every time it rains, water pours down the front of our house like Niagara Falls. We both have to navigate this waterfall, but only one of us mentioned it. WHY?

My DH is like this.

He seems to have no ability to plan anything in advance - everything he does is reactive rather than proactive. And he always just assumes that everything will fall into place - never checks anything.

It drives me potty, and puts an unfair amount of pressure on me to always be the responsible one. It's actually massively exacerbated my anxiety, because I can't trust him to actually complete the jobs that he says he will do, and he always leaves everything to the last minute. Whenever things go wrong through his lack of planning or checking, then it always ends up left to me to sort out the resulting mess. Whilst I pull back from sorting his cock ups if its only him affected, if it going to affect our children/pets/household finances etc, then I really do need to step in.

Fundamentally, I've come to the conclusion that he simply doesn't care very much about certain things. He's doing some decorating next week, and has booked a couple of days off to do it. He has no plan, he has not checked that he has the required equipment and materials - he's not ordered anything he needs. I have reminded him, he says "yes, I'll get round to it", but he won't. This means that day one off work, he will find he doesn't have what he needs, and will need to go out and get materials. He then will probably find that they aren't in stock locally, so will either have to order on line, or run around trying to find stock further afield. This means that he won't even start decorating on the first day, because all he'll be doing is sorting out materials. This means that he won't finish what he was supposed to do before he has to go back to work. He will then manage to seemingly completely forget that we have a half decorated room, and will continue life as normal for several weeks, and then look somewhat surprised when I suggest that he needs to finish decorating the room. How do I know this? Because it happens EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

It's really difficult to know what to do with this, because he is a good man. He's not lazy, he will do anything that I ask him to do. He just won't bear responsibility for anything, and I have to always be on the ball if I ever want anything to happen. I'm forced into the position of being "family manager".

This sounds a lot like my XH. In his case he was extremely passive aggressive - he'd say yes and do no.

"Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There's a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.

For example, a passive-aggressive person might appear to agree — perhaps even enthusiastically — with another person's request. Rather than complying with the request, however, he or she might express anger or resentment by failing to follow through or missing deadlines."

www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901

@Mantlemoose

DH is the same. I just do everything myself, much easier for both of us. Plus I'm happier knowing I've done it right!

He's got you well trained.

@DrSbaitso it has occurred to me that he deliberately made it so that he couldn’t come on holiday, but he is actually really sad about not coming and missing us so I just think it was poor planning and trusting everything would work out - because it usually does (when I forward plan). I have stopped taking responsibility for him now though. Like @mrsm43s I found it exhausting and came the conclusion he doesn’t care about certain things in the same way I do. So now I get on with the things I care about without him. It has created a huge divide between us that we probably won’t get over. I can’t see me sticking with him after the kids have grown. May as well be single alone, or find a partner.

From my experience, inaction can be quite manipulative in relationships. I saw this in my parents marriage (total car crash) and im sure it was manipulation through inaction.

But it's hard to see it as manipulative because it's easier to explain it away as business, preoccupation, laziness or disorganisation, all of which are frustrating, but not actually purposefully manipulative.

For example, if your partner agrees to do some DIY but then doesn't do it, it manipulates you into either doing it yourself, or paying someone else to do it.

[quote SophiesMummySaid]**@DrSbaitso* it has occurred to me that he deliberately made it so that he couldn’t come on holiday, but he is actually really sad about not coming and missing us so I just think it was poor planning and trusting everything would work out - because it usually does (when I forward plan). I have stopped taking responsibility for him now though. Like @mrsm43s* I found it exhausting and came the conclusion he doesn’t care about certain things in the same way I do. So now I get on with the things I care about without him. It has created a huge divide between us that we probably won’t get over. I can’t see me sticking with him after the kids have grown. May as well be single alone, or find a partner.[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear that, but I would feel the same.

@Mantlemoose

DH is the same. I just do everything myself, much easier for both of us. Plus I'm happier knowing I've done it right!

I mean this well, but can you see he has manipulated you into taking on much more of the domestic work?

Problem is with saying you'll just do it yourself, is that I only ask him to do things that are quite difficult physically/practically for me - e.g. moving furniture, bringing heavy stuff to the tip etc. I'm very independent and of the mind "if you want something done, just do it yourself". However sometimes this is part of the problem as

He knows you’ll organise him, then do it if he doesn’t so stop and let everything flop for 6 months, appointments missed, babysitting unorganised. it’s the only way he will start to take responsibility. So far you’ve carried the mental load.

Mine is king of ‘in a minute’ as well @Tablow

I ended up driving much sooner than the recommended six weeks after an EMCS last year as I realised I would starve to death otherwise