Dh never gets round to anything

[Tallaszara]

Aibu? Does anyone else have this issue?

It's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but it winds me up at times.

Dh never gets round to sorting anything out. For example, if we wanted to go on holiday, even when we find somewhere we'd like to go he never gets round to actually booking it until I push it.

His parents babysit once in a while so that we can go out, but he never sorts out the arrangements properly. They are quite busy so we do need to arrange it in advance by get will just say he wants to go out but never get round to asking them, even if he does he won't communicate the times with them properly resulting in misunderstandings.

Or if we need to book a table somewhere, or a day out he never gets round to booking it or even discussing it.

Even things like getting his own hair cut, he doesn't bother making himself an appointment then gets annoyed when he realises he won't be getting his hair cut in time for our holiday.

It's like this about every single little thing, even something as simple as watching a movie together. He will ask me to watch a film, but then sit on his phone unless I instigate it.

It bothers me because I feel that I have to push him into everything then I feel his heart isn't really in it.

@Garriet

I didn't know I had ADHD until after I had lots of kids!🤣
I always knew something was off, but the symptoms can be quite different for girls & women (and I think we learn to hide stuff & compensate for shortcomings) that even a few decades ago it was still seen as a "boy's only" disorder and when I learnt about it at Uni I didn't recognise it in myself at all.

I'm so grateful to the person who told me 3 years ago.

I think if you want to go out as well or if you all want to go on holiday together. I would sit down with him while he phones the sitters and write down what he needs to say i.e. that you want to go out for a meal one Friday or Saturday can they let you know what dates are good so you can book a restaurant etc. I would just book the restaurant. Just plan the holiday run it past him then book it and remind him to book annual leave. If you want DIY doing make a plan choose colours or wallpaper with or without him and leave him to it. With the TV hog the remote if he is playing on his phone and give him two choices of films you want to watch and if he doesn’t answer just you decide.

But hair cuts, visits to see his friends or parents etc just leave it to him and blame him.

For his medical appointments or things he needs to help with taking dog to vets, giving DC a lift if I am working I set calendar alerts on his phone.

I think it's significant that women tend to cop much more blame (often from other women) when things aren't done (social factor) and also blame themselves (socialisation).

DH is a procrastinator but does try hard to remember stuff for DD. He is at some level aware she needs new uniform, shoes etc for September. He won't source any of it unless I specifically tell him to, but if necessary he'd do it. But I'd feel awful if she didn't have the right stuff in time. And annoyed if we paid full price for a blazer if the second hand uniform shop has one.

And the other mums would think I was crap, not him!

Oh this annoys me about DH too. I booked a few nights away (if I left it up to him he'd have spent a week comparing all available options and prices and driving me nuts, whereas I just saw something nice at a reasonable price and booked it). It would never have crossed his mind to think about the associated things like booking the cat into the cattery, sorting out a grocery order to pick up on the way etc.

I was back to work this week after a couple of weeks off. I got up, made the children packed lunches, was obviously getting them dressed and ready to go somewhere etc before we both went to work. Tonight at dinner time DH expressed some surprise when the children mentioned they had been at a summer scheme all day, which I had clearly organised and booked. I said where did you think they were as we were both working? Oh I'm not sure he replied. And what if I just trundled off to work without knowing what my two young children had planned for the day when both parents were out at work? I'd say social services might be paying me a visit if that happened!

It's exhausting, isn't it? I get so fed up of someone else free riding on my organisational skills.

How can you have any love or respect for these "men" when they clearly don't care enough to organise (or even think of) basic childcare, book a simple weekend away or organise anything any normal adult can?

Why are people sticking around??!!

Yep. DH knows stuff that needs doing but unless I say 'Shall we do X today' or 'Can you do Y today?' he just wouldn't get around to it.

I don't think it's "not getting round to it"
I think it is learned helplessness.. They know you will do stuff if they don't.
I sorted my dexh out by just stopping doing stuff.
Questions like "what are we getting my mother for Christmas" was met with a shrug and a "I'm not getting her anything, what arw you getting your mother"
Ditto the childcare issue in school holidays... Only took me leaving for work before him and the frantic call asking what "I" had sorted for the children to which I replied breezily "oh me... Nothing, I presumed you'd done it" for him to realise no longer coukd he just absolve himself from domestic mental load.... ☺

It does erode love and respect for sure. To be fair to DH, since I gave him an ultimatum, he's improved somewhat but it really shouldn't be necessary. Sadly he is the most engaged of all our friends (the ones with DC) so the bar is very, very low.

He is also aware the bar is low as he sometimes comments "I wouldn't get away with that, would I?" when (female) friends mention casually that their DH is off up a mountain for the entire weekend again (no issue if the DW also got her mountain climbing time or whatever and jobs were shared).

@Theredjellybean

I don't think it's "not getting round to it" I think it is learned helplessness.. They know you will do stuff if they don't. I sorted my dexh out by just stopping doing stuff. Questions like "what are we getting my mother for Christmas" was met with a shrug and a "I'm not getting her anything, what arw you getting your mother" Ditto the childcare issue in school holidays... Only took me leaving for work before him and the frantic call asking what "I" had sorted for the children to which I replied breezily "oh me... Nothing, I presumed you'd done it" for him to realise no longer coukd he just absolve himself from domestic mental load.... ☺

Nice one.

I sniggered to myself.

@Tallaszara

I don't think it affects him at work, in fact, a recent example was that we had arranged to do something and he loosely agreed to work that weekend in order to cover for someone else. He did manage to get out of it afterwards, but he'd completely forgotten/disregarded our own plans.

If we do book something important like a holiday, he will constantly ask me when we are going, but once the time actually comes he's very good at packing and organising. So he is perfectly capable, he just doesn't seem to deal with anything that isn't immediately in front of him or immediately affecting him. There zero forward planning.

So for example with the babysitting, it's him that wants us to go out, but he will repeatedly fail to make any arrangements until the day before which by then is usually too late.

I've asked him to please use his calendar on his phone for important dates.

He sounds like my DH, who is diagnosed with dyspraxia, ADD and autism.

@Tallaszara

not being able to do stuff unless there's a very tight deadline is a textbook symptom of ADHD. it's a red flag so big & bright it's visible from the Moon.

Please get him to do a self-assessment.

They'd soon manage if wife wasn't there to carry the life load of all they can't be bothered with

Never mind rushing to make excuses for men.

Meanwhile women are told to read certain books or follow organised cleaning method blogs

@DeeCeeCherry

They'd soon manage if wife wasn't there to carry the life load of all they can't be bothered with

Never mind rushing to make excuses for men.

Meanwhile women are told to read certain books or follow organised cleaning method blogs

In DH's case no. He wouldn't remember anyone's birthday or send any Christmas cards. They aren't important to him, and it doesn't occur to him that they might be important to anyone else.