Dh never gets round to anything

[Tallaszara]

Aibu? Does anyone else have this issue?

It's fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but it winds me up at times.

Dh never gets round to sorting anything out. For example, if we wanted to go on holiday, even when we find somewhere we'd like to go he never gets round to actually booking it until I push it.

His parents babysit once in a while so that we can go out, but he never sorts out the arrangements properly. They are quite busy so we do need to arrange it in advance by get will just say he wants to go out but never get round to asking them, even if he does he won't communicate the times with them properly resulting in misunderstandings.

Or if we need to book a table somewhere, or a day out he never gets round to booking it or even discussing it.

Even things like getting his own hair cut, he doesn't bother making himself an appointment then gets annoyed when he realises he won't be getting his hair cut in time for our holiday.

It's like this about every single little thing, even something as simple as watching a movie together. He will ask me to watch a film, but then sit on his phone unless I instigate it.

It bothers me because I feel that I have to push him into everything then I feel his heart isn't really in it.

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else has suggested it- but could have have undiagnosed ADHD?

It really sounds like it

Get a traditional wall Callander and you can both add dates to it. The phone diary is less practical

My dexh was one of these.
Its very simple... They know you will step up if they stall for long enough.
Women enable men to be like this.
I stopped.. Hard stop... My dexh didn't come on holiday due to failing to renew passport... He said "but why didn't you tell me my passport was out of date".. His face was a picture when I said "oh I meant to, but was going to do it later"

Oh and to the poster counting days of bag of screws to be collected.. I had a broken washing machine in the garden waiting to go to tip for 2.5 yrs
And we didn't live in an area were broken appliances are seen as garden ornaments and are the norm.

Sounds like my OH.
When the kids were younger I used to just get on with it and organise everything as it would have meant they would have missed out. Now they’re grown up I leave him to sort himself out ( he can do it at work after all).
He’s forever saying we should go here or do this. My response is that would be lovely, you sort it out. Never happens.
We both have 2 weeks off work on September and I’m still waiting to see where we will be going.
Having organised every family holiday for the past 20 odd years will be interesting to see if we go anywhere at all.
I have often considered he could be passive-aggressive, he does avoid confrontation and seems quite ok with seeing me stress/ worry over all the household mental load.

Im always a bit wary on these threads, as everyone has (well-meaningly!) come along to suggest ADD/ADHD and yet it always seems to turns out that the man in question manages to hold down a fairly challenging job but somehow its just the domestic stuff they struggle with and when it comes to their work and hobbies they are fine

As sexist as this is about to sound, this really is a man problem. I wonder if there has actually been any studies into this. I mean, there are so many examples on threads like this on mumsnet and other forums, and they can't all have ADD or any other disorder. They also can't all be manipulative or simply smart enough to plan this. There's no way they are all smart enough for this, so the only common denominator is that they are men, and it kind of fits. They are like this in work too, I see so many men suddenly get bored of their job and bugger off to a new job, that is actually the same bullshit if not worse bullshit under a new name, and sometimes worse benefits. But they don't see that, they just see shiny shiny, new stuff, it must be better, it will all work out in the end. Or buy a new car that doesn't fit in with family life because they haven't thought that far ahead, they just saw shiny. Salesmen must love these men, they are so stupid and easy to convince.

Thankfully not all men are like this, but it does seem to be a minority that aren't.

Dh is a bit like this but ds has it very badly. I organise everything but it does mean I get to do what I want! He’s happy to go along with it all and does anything I ask him to but won’t see it himself. Ds needs reminding to brush his teeth and he’s 16. He’s bright but chronically forgetful and disorganised. His biggest trait is ‘later’ that’s the part that needs sorting. That kanban app sounds interesting I’ll take a look.

Smokey yes it’s always been the way hence the nagging wife stereotype with women having to ask men to do things 100s of times. Now they tend to do it themselves and bring in the money!

Mine is the same. He's totally on the ball at work, doing really well, highly respected by colleagues etc etc but when it comes to anything at home or affecting us as a family, forget it. There's one job I've been asking him to do for over 2 years now - I've even been in tears about it as with most stuff I'll end up just getting on with it myself but he's literally the only person who can deal with this and he just says 'oh I'll get around to it'.

I don't think men are manipulating us to do the things they don't want to. I genuinely think that they place less importance on the things that we prioritise.

It would never occur to DH to send his sister a birthday card, for example, as birthdays aren't important to him. He wouldn't care or notice if she didn't send him one.

@EmmyLake

There's one job I've been asking him to do for over 2 years now - I've even been in tears about it as with most stuff I'll end up just getting on with it myself but he's literally the only person who can deal with this

Oh, this is shoddy. I'd be really upset in this situation.

Can you literally stand over him until he does it? I'd do that.

Or, can you hire someone to do it? And take the money from your DH?

Two years, and tears, is not on.

@SmokeyDevil

they just see shiny shiny, new stuff, it must be better, it will all work out in the end.

Said every man who ever ran off with a shiny new woman.

😞

DP drives me absolutely bananas with this. And again, some areas of his life he's highly effective. Things he doesn't do affect all of us and our quality of life, so I can't just leave it, but they're often things I can't do myself either. I resent that it's turned me into a nag.

@TDMN

Im always a bit wary on these threads, as everyone has (well-meaningly!) come along to suggest ADD/ADHD and yet it always seems to turns out that the man in question manages to hold down a fairly challenging job but somehow its just the domestic stuff they struggle with and when it comes to their work and hobbies they are fine

@TDMN it seems to turn out

your words.
it seems - doesn't mean it is.
I seem to be on top of stuff, but no outider has any idea how much fucking work it is to do stuff that is simple and basic for neurotypical people.

One might appear to be doing well in their job, especially if that job suits a person with ADHD (like emergency services) and of course we'll choose hobbies that suit us, so that's a silly example.
But when you are at home you can afford to relax and not worry about deadlines - you can't do that at work, so you use up a lot of mental energy there and not a lot of left outside of work.

I don't know how to explain it better, read about spoon theory.
And if you don't have ADHD it's incredibly easy to dismiss that others do, especially if undiagnosed.
But it's not constructive or helpful in any way. Being called lazy is one of the worst and most hurtful things to hear when struggling with executive dysfunction.

I have a pile of slates stacked up on the patio- they’ve been there for 2 years. DH agrees they could go on eBay- but I have made it clear I’m not doing it as I dealt with the rest of the stuff to be sold on eBay, quickly and efficiently. I have made it clear I have no interest in doing anything about that part of the garden as there is no point if the slates are there. I’m looking after the decking area where the table is.
What will happen is that the PIL will comment on it when they next turn up - haven’t been for 18 months. That will be the only thing that will shame him into doing anything.
I have no idea why he won’t deal with them as he won’t respond when I ask him. I don’t know whether he has some issue with eBay or whether he just thinks I’ll deal with it. I’ve told him that if he doesn’t think they’ll be worth much he should just take them to the tip - he hasn’t done that either.
I have issued one reminder that his passport needs to be renewed before next summer. I won’t be issuing another. I have decided that as we both work full time now I will sort out the things that impact on DC and me(book holidays eg ) and not bother with anything that doesn’t.

I think it has to do with how they're raised.

They've never had to do it or be accountable as it is always done by someone else. First their mum and then their wife.

Im really sorry, that wasnt what i was trying to get at at all, apologies for any offence caused - i should have been clearer that my suspicions are not that people with ADHD are secretly lazy, but more than unfortunately inequality between genders in the home is still rife, and men try to lean on a learned helplessness excise when there is evidence to the contrary.
My thoughts were with the dozens of partners i know IRL and then are mentioned on here where the male partner leaves all the domestic drudgery to their wife and claims they cant figure out how to do simple things like turn on a dishwasher, yet are able to use google to find answers out at their job, stuff like that.
Again, apologies for not being clear.

doesn't sound as though he will change OP. Is it worth staying with him? Imagine 10 years down the line how you would feel.

Can I ask which kanban app people use please? My DH has executive disfunction and this sounds helpful for both of us

I use ‘Kanban Flow’ it is absolutely brilliant, I paid for it but there is a free version too.

[quote AlbertBridge]@SmokeyDevil

they just see shiny shiny, new stuff, it must be better, it will all work out in the end.

Said every man who ever ran off with a shiny new woman.

😞 [/quote]
Yep another good example of how a man can just expect everything to turn out right. And then when he's left alone and his kids don't even talk to him, it's someone else's fault.

It's got to be with them being men. You very rarely see women like this.

@TDMN

Im always a bit wary on these threads, as everyone has (well-meaningly!) come along to suggest ADD/ADHD and yet it always seems to turns out that the man in question manages to hold down a fairly challenging job but somehow its just the domestic stuff they struggle with and when it comes to their work and hobbies they are fine

In fairness I have ADD and I hold down a challenging full time professional job but it leaves me exhausted with nothing left in me to do anything much else (one reason I chose not to have children), my husband is great and picks up the slack mostly but he must get fed up with me quite often.

Just noticed @ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba said it already and much better!

@TDMN

thanks for explaining it better, I see what you mean now.
and thanks for apology as well, I appreciate it.

I think you are right, I'm sure a lot of men have been brought up to expect they shouldn't get involved with childcare or chores, because that's wife work.

But knowing what I know the red flag for ADHD went up when OP said her DH won't arrange his own hair appointment until too late: people with ADHD are champions of shooting themselves in the foot via procrastination. And we hate it.
I've read thousands of posts about how people make their own lives miserable by not doing stuff on time - because we can't.
"Just do it" is the very thing we can't do - unless there are either specific motivations or hyperfocus kicks in.

I don't claim OP's DH has ADHD or not.
But I recognised so much of myself, I just had to bring up that it's a very real possibility.

I understand your frustration with mental health issues being brought up as an "excuse" though.
The unfortunate truth is that often they are the reason.
I hope that all makes sense.