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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD getting changed/undressed around older half siblings?

100 replies

Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 21:35

I've NC for this because a large part of me feels I am probably being unreasonable and projecting due to historical things in my own past and some question marks as to what DSC may have been exposed to - but a small niggling part of me thinks I have a point.

I have two DC with my OH, my youngest is a DD who is 2.5

OH has two boys, 9 and 10. We're not married but I'll call them DSC for ease of the thread.

When DSC stay over here and it's bath night for ours, OH thinks nothing of getting DD totally undressed undressed in the living room including nappy off, infront of DSC, for her bath.

Tonight oldest DSC was laying upside down on the sofa and DD ran straight up to him, nude, and was dancing around being silly. Totally innocent but made me uncomfortable.

When DSC are going to have a shower/bath, OH is very clear that they must get undressed in the bathroom. No stripping down in common areas.

That doesn't apply to my two as far as he's concerned.

I don't like the disparity and feel like, as the only female, DD deserves the same privacy especially from older males.

I was exposed to some things I shouldn't have been as a child which granted make me a little overprotective, but not only that - DSC have only recently been downgraded from a child protection order because their mothers step dad is a convicted paedophile and she was facilitating contact between him and DSC.

Some of you will remember my post, I was frantic on here at the time. There was police involvement and the 'grandad' arrested for having what the police deemed to be indecent photos of the boys.

There's no suggestion that they have been physically abused, thank god, but the whole thing came out of the blue and shook me.

I just want to stress that I've no reason to believe DD would be at risk from her siblings, they have never given me any cause for concern at all - they're truly lovely boys - this is very much a 'me' thing.

Do you think IABU?

With all of that in mind?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/08/2021 21:38

Surely it’s more an age thing?

A 2 ds would get undressed in front of close family without an eyelid batted. At 11 we have an “at least a pair of underpants” rule

riotlady · 16/08/2021 21:39

YABU. Your DD absolutely does deserve privacy, when she’s older and wants it. A 2.5 year old being naked in their own home in front of close family members isn’t anything to worry about.

plodalong12 · 16/08/2021 21:39

I think YABU, yes, but from your post understand why.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 21:40

Thank you for the replies so far.

I'm happy to be told IABU as I did suspect I was being.

I'm definitely projecting aren't I..

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 16/08/2021 21:41

YANBU but neither is your other half.

FuckingFlumps · 16/08/2021 21:42

Yabu. It's understandable why given your history but your daughter is a toddler. She shouldn't be made to feel she is doing anything wrong by being naked in her own home in front of her siblings. She doesn't need privacy at this age, when she is older like her brothers then it will be totally appropriate to get changed in private but right now it's really not necessary.

FlorenceNightshade · 16/08/2021 21:43

I would ask you OH why he gets his children to undress in the bathroom. Then explain you feel your DC deserve the same level of privacy. Irrational or not if it makes you uncomfortable just don’t do it.

WTF475878237NC · 16/08/2021 21:45

She doesn't need privacy at this age, when she is older like her brothers then it will be totally appropriate to get changed in private but right now it's really not necessary.

I agree. With kindness, I do think you are seeing this through the lens of your own experiences.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 21:46

It's up to you, she is your daughter. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 16/08/2021 21:47

I completely get it given the history, but I think YABU, she's 2.5. My toddler loves running around naked. She's their little sister, I doubt they bat an eyelid

blairresignationjam · 16/08/2021 21:48

I would follow your gut instinct. I would always want to over protect my DC in such a scenario.

Sirzy · 16/08/2021 21:49

@StarDrawers

It's up to you, she is your daughter. Whatever you feel comfortable with.
It’s also her partners daughter.
Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 21:49

Thank you for the perspective!

It probably is an age thing where OH is concerned. I haven't raised it with him as I wasn't certain whether I was being ridiculous or not.

When I was around 4-5 and my (female) cousin used to visit with my aunt from abroad they would bath us together, it was totally innocent, this particular thing, but i hated it and remember feeling so distinctly uncomfortable. When I raised it and said I didn't want to get undressed infront of them I was told I was being silly.

That's not what I was referring to in my OP when I said I was exposed to things I shouldn't have been, but it's a clear memory I have which felt apt with regards to this issue.

Logically DD doesn't give a toss about privacy at 2.5 so there's clearly alot of projection on my part, coupled in with what DSC have just been dragged through, it just makes me all the more protective I think.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/08/2021 21:51

The second she shows any signs of not being happy with the situation is when you step in to make she is comfy

ancientgran · 16/08/2021 21:52

I think CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood has got it right, at 2.5 she is enjoying her freedom as her older brothers probably did at that age. It seems a shame to stop that for her. Obviously as she gets older she will definitely need her privacy. I suppose the hard bit is agreeing when that change happens.

Rosebel · 16/08/2021 21:53

I have to agree YABU but it's totally understandable. I get my son ready for bath and then bed in the living room.
However my DDs always get ready in the bathroom. It's just an age thing.
I'm sure your daughter will let you know when she wants privacy.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 21:53

@Sirzy yes but OP is the one who is uncomfortable with it not her DH, no harm will come from her not getting naked in front of her half siblings.

ancientgran · 16/08/2021 21:54

[quote StarDrawers]@Sirzy yes but OP is the one who is uncomfortable with it not her DH, no harm will come from her not getting naked in front of her half siblings.[/quote]
Except a 2.5 year old loses the freedom she is enjoying being naked.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 21:55

When I raised it and said I didn't want to get undressed infront of them I was told I was being silly

This shouldn't have happened. It's important to teach about consent from an early age. Your daughter is lucky to have you being so aware of this.

OutOfTrousers · 16/08/2021 21:55

Going from my DC 8-9 was the time they started to want privacy from the rest of the family and in the case of my DS to instill the idea that privacy in the bathroom is required.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 21:55

She can enjoy it somewhere the others arent

Sirzy · 16/08/2021 21:55

[quote StarDrawers]@Sirzy yes but OP is the one who is uncomfortable with it not her DH, no harm will come from her not getting naked in front of her half siblings.[/quote]
Except that the 2 year old is then being taught that her body is something to be ashamed of even if front of her own family.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 21:56

Privacy has to be taught at some point. Why do the older ones get privacy from her?

Saidtoomuch · 16/08/2021 21:58

Yanbu under the circumstances. Trust your gut.

youdoyoutoday · 16/08/2021 21:58

To be fair, I'd be more concerned about her piddling on the floor in the living room at that rather than her running about butt naked.