To not want DD getting changed/undressed around older half siblings?

[Meeklynamechanged]

I've NC for this because a large part of me feels I am probably being unreasonable and projecting due to historical things in my own past and some question marks as to what DSC may have been exposed to - but a small niggling part of me thinks I have a point.

I have two DC with my OH, my youngest is a DD who is 2.5

OH has two boys, 9 and 10. We're not married but I'll call them DSC for ease of the thread.

When DSC stay over here and it's bath night for ours, OH thinks nothing of getting DD totally undressed undressed in the living room including nappy off, infront of DSC, for her bath.

Tonight oldest DSC was laying upside down on the sofa and DD ran straight up to him, nude, and was dancing around being silly. Totally innocent but made me uncomfortable.

When DSC are going to have a shower/bath, OH is very clear that they must get undressed in the bathroom. No stripping down in common areas.

That doesn't apply to my two as far as he's concerned.

I don't like the disparity and feel like, as the only female, DD deserves the same privacy especially from older males.

I was exposed to some things I shouldn't have been as a child which granted make me a little overprotective, but not only that - DSC have only recently been downgraded from a child protection order because their mothers step dad is a convicted paedophile and she was facilitating contact between him and DSC.

Some of you will remember my post, I was frantic on here at the time. There was police involvement and the 'grandad' arrested for having what the police deemed to be indecent photos of the boys.

There's no suggestion that they have been physically abused, thank god, but the whole thing came out of the blue and shook me.

I just want to stress that I've no reason to believe DD would be at risk from her siblings, they have never given me any cause for concern at all - they're truly lovely boys - this is very much a 'me' thing.

Do you think IABU?

With all of that in mind?

I was going to say just leave her in her nappy and she can still enjoy running around with no clothes on and it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. I don't think she'd no any different or feel body shamed. But the fact you have a toddler DS as well who does the same makes me think it would be a bit odd if only she was stopped.
How often do DSC stay? Could they kids just not be naked those days?

Also a bit strange that you don't equate boys as as vulnerable after what happened to DSS's. But I suppose I only have boys so maybe would feel the same if I had a girl too as I felt vulnerable as a girl.

@Anotherbrokenairer

YANBU. Take over bath times when you have the DSC come over and she gets undressed out of sight. When they're not there she can run around free as a bird. You can do it without your Dd feeling restricted and without rousing suspicion that you are hiding her. The same applies to your son. As Ozanj mentioned above the dynamic is different......be overcautious and have no regrets. No one's going to develop hang ups because your babies couldn't run around naked in front of their half siblings when they visit.

I agree with this. If you feel uncomfortable then this sounds like a good solution?

Although I can see where the projection is coming from but taking that out of the equation I wouldnt like it

My 2 DC are toddler /pre school age and like to be naked however I encourage them to at least wear a nappy/knickers where I can.

Not because I want them to be ashamed but to learn to protect themselves. The older DC I am teaching that their private area is for them or the care giver to help with if needed.

I guess I was brought up quite prudish but if friends or family are over I dont want them to feel uncomfortable of a small naked child.

When the boys arent there I think she should have free reign but otherwise encouraged to go upstairs to undress for bath time and put pjs back on if coming back downstairs.

To me this teaches respect to the child and that you respect the older ones to not put them in a situation that one day they may not feel comfortable with

YABU. Maybe you should consider therapy to deal with your past, it won’t go away on its own and I suspect they’ll be more “projecting” as your DD grows up.

@Giantwaterbottle

Also a bit strange that you don't equate boys as as vulnerable after what happened to DSS's. But I suppose I only have boys so maybe would feel the same if I had a girl too as I felt vulnerable as a girl.

I can see your point.

I would definitely be uncomfortable with DS being nude around unrelated male adults as was the case for DSC and that bastard, but it never occurred to me to be worried about him being undressed infront of related male children because they have the same bits. Much less likely to be curious. Etc.

I can see that my logic is both flawed and naive though, and I'm saddened by what PP shared about her DS.

My hyper vigilence about DD stems directly from my own experiences as a female child, at the hands of males, so that fear is quite deep rooted.

I have a 2yo who loves running around naked, but I wouldn't expect that from an 10yo at all, the age of the children is a key point here - it's acceptable for a toddler but not a 10yo, it's also important to note that you are the boys stepmum whereas your daughter is with both of her parents and her siblings so I think that adds another layer to why it's less acceptable for your stepsons to be naked in communal areas, and not that your partner is treating them favorably

It is however completely understandable that you think this way of you experienced sexual trauma as a child, and why it's difficult for you to know what's OK and what isn't

@Chailatteplease

YABU. Maybe you should consider therapy to deal with your past, it won’t go away on its own and I suspect they’ll be more “projecting” as your DD grows up.

I'm actually about to start therapy for my childhood trauma.

I have no doubt that there would be more projecting as DD grows up otherwise.

I agree that your own past experiences are influencing your thoughts. I do not think there is anything worrying in this situation. I hope that you can begin to feel more relaxed about it.

My little dd always piddles on the bathmat when we get her in to the bath but at least I can chuck the bathmat in to the wash.

I never understand why people get so het up about a toddler running round naked in a family home.

It seems people are still very prudish

@Rebornagain

I never understand why people get so het up about a toddler running round naked in a family home.

It seems people are still very prudish

Sometimes it's due to having experienced abuse ourselves therefore we are always on alert with our DC, not because they/we are unnecessarily prudish.

@Chailatteplease

YABU. Maybe you should consider therapy to deal with your past, it won’t go away on its own and I suspect they’ll be more “projecting” as your DD grows up.

I came to say the same. We all project our own histories and hangups to some extent, but even more so when there's trauma.

My ex did this with my eldest due to trauma he went through, he's now had therapy and is frankly a different dad to my younger two - I'm so glad for him and them, but also sad that my eldest has been a second victim of the damage that someone else dealt to his father.

@Rebornagain maybe if you read the thread you’d understand there are complex emotions in the mix here. Being a prude isn’t one of them

YABU bit I completely understand why.

2 year olds love being naked, it's like "their thing".

DSC won't be phased by it and probably just see it as their little sister being a 2 year old. Same as their 3 year old little brother.

Once DD starts to ask for privacy or show signs, then definitely do that for her. But for now let her be her, and do the naked toddler thing.

Now I just need to stop by 7 year old naturist son 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄 Boy just walks around nude in the house. So don't ask me for advice when you want her to start being dressed more, because I've clearly failed at this 😂

@Rebornagain

I never understand why people get so het up about a toddler running round naked in a family home.

It seems people are still very prudish

Have you even read the OP's posts?! It's not prudish there's more to it than that.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Why does your DH need to undress her in the living room instead of just going the bathroom with her and doing it there? I don't think a 2,5 year old should be made to feel awkward for being naked nor do I think there's anything wrong with an older sibling accidentally or in passing seeing her in some state of undress etc. But idk, I wouldn't do what he did but to each their own, I guess.

yanbu. You don't need to get the advice on unknown people on mumsnet for being concerned about safety or privacy or both.

And especially under these circumstances you should trust your gut. Always.

If you are worrying unnecessarily, then nothing bad will happen.

If you have reason to worry, you would be foolish to not listen to your worries.

This is such a sad post OP and my heart goes out to you. Given the complicated family history it's not surprising you are worried by what would be, to other people, perfectly normal behaviour.

Your D.C. and your DSC are lucky to have someone like you looking out fort hem. You seem to have the perfect combination of sensitivity to potential problems mixed in with an awareness that your history could make you over reactive.

What you describe sounds perfectly normal to me. Try and chill and let them be little kids together.

Budsaway I am so sorry.

OP "To answer honestly, I think my subconscious is programmed to equate girls as being vulnerable to boys.

Boys having 'the same' therefore less of an issue in terms of curiosity etc.

Logically I know that's flawed, as PP has sadly highlighted."

I don't think this logic is at all flawed. It's very sad that girls are vulnerable to boys but it is a fact.

I don't think you will give her any body issues by giving her privacy.

And anyone making you feel 'silly' or worse still calling you 'silly' is someone I would not trust to make wise judgements in this matter.

Your OH will recognise your DD environment as being safe as he is there all of the time so probably doesn’t question it. On the other hand his DS were not safe and were in a position where they were abused and it was somewhere he couldn’t be to protect them. Is he insisting they remain dressed until they are somewhere private so that they know what isn’t acceptable so they can’t again be taken advantage of when he isn’t around. If they only remove clothes in front of very limited people they are more likely to mention something out of the ordinary where they have been made to undress.

I'd probably save the naked time for when the DSC aren't there.

That said, my grands are in various stages of dress and undress in their home but it's just them and their mum.

Sorry, by that, I mean I don't think this logic is at all flawed - even if there are some cases where boys have been vulnerable to girls or girls vulnerable to other girls or boys to other boys.

Any child or adult could be an abuser, they are just not likely to be.

But if a child or adult is going to sexually do anything inappropriate/abuse with a child or adult then the likelihood is it will be a male to a female and maybe also an older male to a younger female.

But i would feel the same if the child were a young male with older female half siblings. It's just not necessary to undress them in the living room in front of each other.

I was going to say YABU, but then I read your post again and wondered why your DD is getting undressed in the living room for a bath. Surely it makes more sense for her to strip off in the bathroom, or her bedroom or wherever in the house the laundry basket is. If it is your DP deciding that your DD undresses in the living room but his own DC don't then that seems a bit odd.