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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD getting changed/undressed around older half siblings?

100 replies

Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 21:35

I've NC for this because a large part of me feels I am probably being unreasonable and projecting due to historical things in my own past and some question marks as to what DSC may have been exposed to - but a small niggling part of me thinks I have a point.

I have two DC with my OH, my youngest is a DD who is 2.5

OH has two boys, 9 and 10. We're not married but I'll call them DSC for ease of the thread.

When DSC stay over here and it's bath night for ours, OH thinks nothing of getting DD totally undressed undressed in the living room including nappy off, infront of DSC, for her bath.

Tonight oldest DSC was laying upside down on the sofa and DD ran straight up to him, nude, and was dancing around being silly. Totally innocent but made me uncomfortable.

When DSC are going to have a shower/bath, OH is very clear that they must get undressed in the bathroom. No stripping down in common areas.

That doesn't apply to my two as far as he's concerned.

I don't like the disparity and feel like, as the only female, DD deserves the same privacy especially from older males.

I was exposed to some things I shouldn't have been as a child which granted make me a little overprotective, but not only that - DSC have only recently been downgraded from a child protection order because their mothers step dad is a convicted paedophile and she was facilitating contact between him and DSC.

Some of you will remember my post, I was frantic on here at the time. There was police involvement and the 'grandad' arrested for having what the police deemed to be indecent photos of the boys.

There's no suggestion that they have been physically abused, thank god, but the whole thing came out of the blue and shook me.

I just want to stress that I've no reason to believe DD would be at risk from her siblings, they have never given me any cause for concern at all - they're truly lovely boys - this is very much a 'me' thing.

Do you think IABU?

With all of that in mind?

OP posts:
Budsaway · 16/08/2021 21:58

I would never allow. My ds was the victim of abuse from his older half-brother, my biggest regret is welcoming him into my home.

hullaballoo19 · 16/08/2021 21:59

Agree with pps. It's understandable why you feel that way given your history but she's young and doesn't 'need' privacy unless she wants it. Personally I'd be more concerned about causing issues with her self-esteem, confidence and her being comfortable with her own body by trying to force her to be private when she doesn't feel the need to be (yet) and won't understand why she's being taught to hide her body. I'm very sorry for what you have gone through x

hullaballoo19 · 16/08/2021 22:00

@StarDrawers

When I raised it and said I didn't want to get undressed infront of them I was told I was being silly

This shouldn't have happened. It's important to teach about consent from an early age. Your daughter is lucky to have you being so aware of this.

I agree with this also
Hankunamatata · 16/08/2021 22:02

I think dh is right encouraging 9 and 10 year old to undress in bedroom or bathroom. We are doing this with our boys at the moment who are same age, it's just to prep them for puberty and discourage the wandering around naked which they like to do.

But dd is a tot. She should be allowed to run around in the buff. The boys wont care.

crazyguineapiglady · 16/08/2021 22:02

@StarDrawers

Privacy has to be taught at some point. Why do the older ones get privacy from her?
Because they want privacy?

It happens naturally - a 10 year old doesn't want to get naked in front of the family but a 2 or 3 year old doesn't care. When she is older she will probably want some privacy too.

Remember in infant school children get changed with their class mates of both sexes so you don't want to give her a hang-up about her body when she's so little.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:03

I don't know why OH is so firm about it with DSC but not DD, I'm guessing PP probably has it right in that it's about age.

Youngest of the two DSC is regularly reminded by OH not to take clothes off until he's in the bathroom, he thinks nothing of pulling down his trousers/pants on his way to the toilet. He has some mild additional needs and doesn't really understand the need for privacy himself - it's always enforced by OH.

I can only (again) assume OH is so firm because he thinks it's not appropriate for me and DD to see? I'm not sure.

Alot of assumption going on, on my part, as it's just such a strange conversation to have isn't it?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 16/08/2021 22:03

I agree with you OP: they may be half siblings but they don’t live together and so neither of your kids should be naked around them. It just isn’t the same dynamic as half or step siblings who live with each other.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 16/08/2021 22:03

You say you have 2 children. I assume the other child is a boy. How old is he? Does he also get naked in front of his brothers? The only reason I ask is you only talk about being bothered by your daughter doing this. At such a young age its fine and she seems to enjoy the freedom of being naked.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:05

@youdoyoutoday

To be fair, I'd be more concerned about her piddling on the floor in the living room at that rather than her running about butt naked.
I wish she would piddle on the floor you know, I'm trying to potty train her and she refuses to go anywhere other than her nappy. The floor would be progress Grin
OP posts:
crazyguineapiglady · 16/08/2021 22:05

@Meeklynamechanged it's totally normal to encourage 9 and 10 year olds to keep their clothes on, especially if one child has additional needs that mean he needs more help to understand appropriate behaviour and social norms.
It's also totally normal for toddlers to be naked in front of their family in their own home.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:05

@Budsaway

I would never allow. My ds was the victim of abuse from his older half-brother, my biggest regret is welcoming him into my home.
I'm so, so sorry Sad
OP posts:
Snipples · 16/08/2021 22:10

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either tbh. I remember being topless on a beach as a young child and hating it (I was about 4). If you're not happy with it then put a stop to it. I don't think children need the "freedom" of being naked in the house but each to their own.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:10

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

You say you have 2 children. I assume the other child is a boy. How old is he? Does he also get naked in front of his brothers? The only reason I ask is you only talk about being bothered by your daughter doing this. At such a young age its fine and she seems to enjoy the freedom of being naked.
Other DC is a boy yes, he's 3.5 and yes he does get undressed infront of them.

To answer honestly, I think my subconscious is programmed to equate girls as being vulnerable to boys.

Boys having 'the same' therefore less of an issue in terms of curiosity etc.

Logically I know that's flawed, as PP has sadly highlighted.

OP posts:
Knittingupastorm · 16/08/2021 22:12

Youngest of the two DSC is regularly reminded by OH not to take clothes off until he's in the bathroom, he thinks nothing of pulling down his trousers/pants on his way to the toilet. He has some mild additional needs and doesn't really understand the need for privacy himself - it's always enforced by OH.

I can only (again) assume OH is so firm because he thinks it's not appropriate for me and DD to see? I'm not sure.

If he has additional needs, is your OH trying to ensure that he doesn’t do this out of the house? I know you’d not want any child to do this but for one who doesn’t really understand privacy for himself as you’ve said, you’d really want to make sure they weren’t doing this elsewhere.

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:15

Knitting, yes that's totally possible.

Thank you PP's for validating how I feel even if you do think IABU.

I was worried I would get ripped to shreds on here for even feeling this way.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 16/08/2021 22:21

I am going to say YANBU because you're her Mother and your feelings and instincts matter.

My friend thought nothing of changing her son's nappy in front of me and other visitors who weren't close friends for way too long...he was in nappies until he was 5 due to some additional needs and she used to forget that he was a biggish kid and that nobody wanted to see his bottom or the contents of his nappy.

This is slightly different of course but I wouldn't allow it either. It's a deeply personal thing and people here can say YABU all they want...she's your child though...so it's your choice.

KingdomScrolls · 16/08/2021 22:22

At the weekend we went to a family BBQ, paddling pool out for the DC, DS has been in got cold and was wearing a towel poncho thing after I'd taken his wet swimwear off. He saw his cousin get back in, whipped off the poncho chased her across the garden and went down the slide into the pool, naked. There were a few laughs but no one batted an eye, he's 2.5 they do like to be naked and if you're with trusted family members I think it's ok

Planty13 · 16/08/2021 22:22

I mean, my 8 year old is private about getting undressed now but doesn’t blink twice when his 2 year old brother is naked. They run and giggle around together when LO is naked. It’s surely just an age thing. They are her siblings. As soon as your kids WANT privacy, they are entitled to it.

NewlyGranny · 16/08/2021 22:23

When the older ones get curious it's time to stop undressing her in front of them.

Peanutsandchilli · 16/08/2021 22:23

2 year olds love being naked. I see where you're coming from, with your history, but I don't think there's anything wrong with her doing that in front of her half siblings. She'll let you know when it's not appropriate.

Babynames2 · 16/08/2021 22:23

YABU but with yours and the boys history it’s understandable. The second she shows any sign of being uncomfortable with it then it should stop. As it is, she’s 2 and, if anything like my 18month old and 4 year old girl, probably either doesn’t think anything of it or finds it hilarious.

My 4 year old thinks nothing of stripping off naked in front of us or with other close family members around. I think if they’re not uncomfortable and you trust the people they’re around it’s okay. Im just hoping she doesn’t do it at school…

Kanaloa · 16/08/2021 22:24

Your husband is probably more firm with the elder boy because of his age. Of course yours are only little, but when they’re older it’s different. My son is the same and will start unbuttoning his pants en route to the loo, we always tell him not to. It’s no problem at home but he wouldn’t understand that it’s okay at home but not school or Wetherspoons, so we teach him only to unbutton himself in the toilet with the door closed.

I don’t think it’s a massive issue. We aren’t really a house to run round naked, always undressed in the bedroom/bathroom then dried and dressed in the bathroom, but other families do it, and your daughter is being supervised by her dad. I see why you wouldn’t feel comfortable though given your past experiences.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 16/08/2021 22:27

Given circumstances YANBU

Original poster
Meeklynamechanged · 16/08/2021 22:31

@NewlyGranny

When the older ones get curious it's time to stop undressing her in front of them.
How would I be able to tell though?

At present, naturally they look if they're interacting with her or like tonight - if she runs up to them nude they are obviously going to see everything especially if, again like tonight, they are laying upside down on the sofa or lounging on the floor playing Xbox. Iyswim?

OP posts:
Anotherbrokenairer · 16/08/2021 22:31

YANBU. Take over bath times when you have the DSC come over and she gets undressed out of sight. When they're not there she can run around free as a bird.
You can do it without your Dd feeling restricted and without rousing suspicion that you are hiding her. The same applies to your son.
As Ozanj mentioned above the dynamic is different......be overcautious and have no regrets.
No one's going to develop hang ups because your babies couldn't run around naked in front of their half siblings when they visit.