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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Not attending sisters wedding

82 replies

Jess389 · 16/08/2021 20:49

So bit of back ground...

My mum has had a drinking problem for the past 25 years. She was abusive when I was younger but we've always kept up appearances as a functional family. Since having children of my own I've asked her to not drink around them.
This is a rule she has broken multiple times. (I'm not talking just one glass of wine here and there, she's been black out drunk and physically abusive to me in front of my kids). So I have cut her out of my life.

My sister is due to get married soon, it's a small wedding with mainly family attending.
I've told her that although I'd love to be there I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in the same room as our mum, on a day when she will be drinking.

My sister flipped out, said I was making the whole thing about me and that I should do it for her.

The thing is I know that our mum will do something to try get a reaction out of me and if I'm honest I really don't want to ever see her again.

AIBU by not attending?

OP posts:
NotYourCupOfTea · 16/08/2021 20:52

Go for the ceremony and then leave is what I would do if you feel able? So no chance for small talk

MouseInCatsClaws · 16/08/2021 20:52

I think you have to do what you're comfortable with. Maybe consider a compromise of some kind, attending the ceremony but not the reception? But I don't think you're unreasonable in these circumstances to put your own well being as your priority.

NotYourCupOfTea · 16/08/2021 20:52

But YANBU if you don’t go

Palavah · 16/08/2021 20:52

Yabu. Your sister is probably worried about how your mum will behave already. Unless there's back story with your sister, go to the wedding without your children, don't make. a scene, avoid your mum as far as possible. Don't rise to it.

Itsseweasy · 16/08/2021 20:53

YANBU

LowlytheWorm · 16/08/2021 20:55

I’d go for the wedding and not the reception so you get to see your sister married but avoid the mum drama. Other than that no yanbu.

MaggieFS · 16/08/2021 20:58

Go for your sister. Presumably it's tough for her too? If you know your mum will do things for a reaction,is there a way you can plan to ignore/rise about it/walk away?

Failing that, go for the service and leave when possible.

Morechocmorechoc · 16/08/2021 20:58

Is there a story with your sister here? Punishing her for your mum's wrongs is very horrible

Ughmaybenot · 16/08/2021 20:59

I think it would be a terrible shame to miss your sisters wedding because of your awful mother.
Personally I would attend the ceremony and the reception but the minute it seems to be going downhill, or there’s any hint of bad behaviour from your mum, I would leave.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 21:05

I think YANBU.

However, if you could leave the children behind and go to the ceremony that might be nice.

Perfectly reasonable not to wish to be in the company of a nasty drunk.

Could your partner accompany you for support?
Flowers

Original poster
Jess389 · 16/08/2021 21:05

The last time my mum drank around my children, she told me I was a terrible mother and told me she hated me in front of my kids. my sister said she "couldn't be bothered with the drama" so she didn't want to get involved.

All important events since then have included my mum and not me. It's always "mums coming so it's upto you wether you come or not"

I know that my mum will have a drink, approach me and want to patch things up. The moment I walk away she'll make out I'm being unreasonable. I just couldn't think of anything worse than posing for family pictures with a woman who's openly admitted she hates me.

OP posts:
Morechocmorechoc · 16/08/2021 21:08

Just don't take your kids as pp said. Problem solved. You know what she's like so you won't take any of it personally and your kids won't be exposed.

hulahooper2 · 16/08/2021 21:09

I would go for your sister , don’t let your mum wind you up , and stay calm and ignore her if she starts winding you up

WallaceinAnderland · 16/08/2021 21:09

YANBU

Dontwatchfootball · 16/08/2021 21:14

What a horrible situation to be in! I think on balance I would go for a short while (like to the ceremony) and then leave. You are right that your mum will try to approach you. I would tell her that you cant discuss it then as it is your sisters day.

Ohpulltheotherone · 16/08/2021 21:16

Initially I would have said same as PPs to maybe go alone to the ceremony, arriving just before and leaving pretty much straight away.

But your update has changed my mind, your sister has effectively left you to the wolves. Your mother has been abusive towards you and your sister has just stood by and let it slide because she can’t “be bothered with drama”.

That’s cool, she can’t be bothered to support you when you need it and you in return cannot be bothered to endure abuse for her.

Don’t go OP, you’ll never be the good guy here. Your sister has made it clear she chooses your mum over you (I’m sure there are complex reasons for this) but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to suffer to keep the peace.

oknowimscared · 16/08/2021 21:16

YANBU. It’s a shame your sister hasn’t been supporting you, by prioritising your mum at previous family events. Does your sister want you there “for her” or so you’re left to police any problems? I suspect the latter.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 21:24

@Jess389

The last time my mum drank around my children, she told me I was a terrible mother and told me she hated me in front of my kids. my sister said she "couldn't be bothered with the drama" so she didn't want to get involved.

All important events since then have included my mum and not me. It's always "mums coming so it's upto you wether you come or not"

I know that my mum will have a drink, approach me and want to patch things up. The moment I walk away she'll make out I'm being unreasonable. I just couldn't think of anything worse than posing for family pictures with a woman who's openly admitted she hates me.

Definitely not after that update.

Tell your sister you "couldn't be bothered with the drama"!

Flowers
Jmaxx44 · 16/08/2021 21:25

I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your sister - if you are close it would be a shame to miss it.

But…if your sister isn’t very supportive it may not be worth the effort…

I feel for you regardless - not an easy situation to find yourself in Flowers

CakeandGo · 16/08/2021 21:30

I wouldn’t go. If covid taught me anything it’s that life’s too short to spend it with people like this. Weeks and weeks of anxiety leading up to the event. Very little sympathy or support from your sister and then having to deal with the inevitable argument/scene on the day? Followed by the aftermath? No thanks.
Your sister should understand… if she cares about you and your feelings.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 21:32

Your sister's getting married. She's not behaved amazingly (though maybe she doesn't invite you t things because you've made it clear that you've pretty much gone NC with your DM?) but it's your mum that's the problem with you attending, not her.

Go to the ceremony, and to the first half of the reception. Leave before your mum is blotto. But don't end up NC with your sister as well, which is what will happen when you snub HER wedding day because you don't want to be around your mum. She's right, you are making it about you, even if you think you have good reason to.

Seriously, I can't imagine one of my girls not turning up to her DSis's wedding.

QueenHofScotland · 16/08/2021 21:34

I think it’s unfair on your sister. I would be devastated if someone close to me missed something as important as my wedding because of someone else.

So as someone else said - it depends on the relationship you have with your sister too.

Ask to be seated away from her, maybe don’t take your DC, leave if there is a hint of trouble?

While life is too short to spend time with people like that, life is also too short to miss important events if they mean something to you.

Janaih · 16/08/2021 21:36

YANBU to give the whole thing a miss. You putting yourself through all that upset and stress will not make the day any more enjoyable for your sister.
Arrange a meal or something else with her and her husband to celebrate.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/08/2021 21:38

Hmmm...
With regret Yabu.

Leave your kids at home and go.
Its one day and its your sister.
When your mum comes up to you go for "medium chill"
I'd go with blandly pleasant
"Honestly dont worry about it mum... anyway doesnt sister look amazing / werent the vows nice / arent the flower girls cute / doesn't sister have amazing taste the flowers are so beautiful. Excuse me i need to pop to the loo"

Your mother sounds like an absolute horror though so you do have my sympathy.

Alternista · 16/08/2021 21:41

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Hmmm... With regret Yabu.

Leave your kids at home and go.
Its one day and its your sister.
When your mum comes up to you go for "medium chill"
I'd go with blandly pleasant
"Honestly dont worry about it mum... anyway doesnt sister look amazing / werent the vows nice / arent the flower girls cute / doesn't sister have amazing taste the flowers are so beautiful. Excuse me i need to pop to the loo"

Your mother sounds like an absolute horror though so you do have my sympathy.

This would be my approach too, if you want to keep your sister in your life.

If you aren’t bothered about that (no judgement) then don’t go, but be prepared for her to react badly.