AIBU - Not attending sisters wedding

[Jess389]

So bit of back ground...

My mum has had a drinking problem for the past 25 years. She was abusive when I was younger but we've always kept up appearances as a functional family. Since having children of my own I've asked her to not drink around them.
This is a rule she has broken multiple times. (I'm not talking just one glass of wine here and there, she's been black out drunk and physically abusive to me in front of my kids). So I have cut her out of my life.

My sister is due to get married soon, it's a small wedding with mainly family attending.
I've told her that although I'd love to be there I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in the same room as our mum, on a day when she will be drinking.

My sister flipped out, said I was making the whole thing about me and that I should do it for her.

The thing is I know that our mum will do something to try get a reaction out of me and if I'm honest I really don't want to ever see her again.

AIBU by not attending?

I disagree with posters saying you should go for your sister. You shouldn't feel obliged to subject yourself to abuse to save someone else's feelings. I'm sorry but a wedding just isn't important enough to risk the damage to your own mental health.

All important events since then have included my mum and not me. It's always "mums coming so it's upto you wether you come or not"

Don't go. She's made her decision.

I had a similar relationship with my mother, she was abusive to me but not my sister growing up. My sister couldn't understand the problem and would always chose to stay neutral when my mother was a issue (her right).

I decided to cut my mother from my life but continue a limited relationship with my sister (she lived with her).

You could possibly attend the ceremony and deny the invite to the reception. That way you see your sister be married and your mother should be sober, if not she will have a audience to show herself up, maybe sit at a distance of her. Congratulate your sister, hand present and card and leave?

I have every sympathy OP. I have a SIL who behaves like this. She has narcissism issues and will take every opportunity to press buttons, particularly when she is drunk. I have very limited contact, but weddings and other formal family occasions are a potential flash point. On occasion, I have not attended where she will be there, but in recent times, I have come across the grey rock technique. I would have a google. It is quite simple, and in effect means you speak, but on a very limited basis. it works for me. Also, if you are going, could you ask your sis to put you and your mum as far away as possible, noting the day should be all about her and you are keen that this is the case, and that no one finishes up talking about your mum and you.

Tell your sister that you're not going because you can't be bothered with the drama. I'm serious. She's made her choice, but she can't make yours for you. YANBU to not want to go, and you don't have to 'do it for your sister'.

Perfectly reasonable not to go. Indeed perhaps by not going there is a very small chance your mum might finally realise that it is time to stop drinking.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Hmmm... With regret Yabu.

Leave your kids at home and go.
Its one day and its your sister.
When your mum comes up to you go for "medium chill"
I'd go with blandly pleasant
"Honestly dont worry about it mum... anyway doesnt sister look amazing / werent the vows nice / arent the flower girls cute / doesn't sister have amazing taste the flowers are so beautiful. Excuse me i need to pop to the loo"

Your mother sounds like an absolute horror though so you do have my sympathy.

Agree with this 100% And leave after the ceremony if it looks like things might turn awry