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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Not attending sisters wedding

82 replies

Jess389 · 16/08/2021 20:49

So bit of back ground...

My mum has had a drinking problem for the past 25 years. She was abusive when I was younger but we've always kept up appearances as a functional family. Since having children of my own I've asked her to not drink around them.
This is a rule she has broken multiple times. (I'm not talking just one glass of wine here and there, she's been black out drunk and physically abusive to me in front of my kids). So I have cut her out of my life.

My sister is due to get married soon, it's a small wedding with mainly family attending.
I've told her that although I'd love to be there I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in the same room as our mum, on a day when she will be drinking.

My sister flipped out, said I was making the whole thing about me and that I should do it for her.

The thing is I know that our mum will do something to try get a reaction out of me and if I'm honest I really don't want to ever see her again.

AIBU by not attending?

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 16/08/2021 23:59

Speaking from experience as a child of an alcoholic for over 30 years.

You and your sister are both children of an alcoholic and have grown into very different ways of dealing with her.

On my wedding day I wasn’t stressed about my dress or flowers or any normal shit. I was stressed about how I was going to get my parent there, have them perform their duty sober and stay reasonably sober until at least the main dinner was over.

Your sister is probably relying on you to help her with this task but she isn’t able to vocalise that to you.

I guess you don’t have to but Yabu for not trying to accommodate the day somewhat.

Serendipity79 · 17/08/2021 00:04

Speaking as someone who's recently gone NC with my mum I wouldn't put yourself through it for a sister who "cant be doing with the drama" aka minimising your feelings about an abusive alcoholic.

Yes she is your sister, but she didn't care enough when your mum was abusing you in front of your children and has excluded you from other events. Sometimes walking away is the right answer.

Although some posters are suggesting quite positive ways you could attend e.g. just the service and without the kids, if you haven't been in an abusive toxic situation then you wouldn't understand the absolute terror this could cause someone to have to deal with.

Original poster
Jess389 · 17/08/2021 00:28

Thank you all for your comments. I'd love to be able to attend without things spiralling out of control but I don't believe it's possible.
I know my mum will try to push my buttons so that I bite in front of other members of the family.

Had this been the other way around I would have 100% supported my sister and insisted my mum got help.

OP posts:
DeeplyCheesedOffWithLife · 17/08/2021 00:57

@KarmaStar

You should go and support your sister. Be polite to your mum just don't pander to her. Don't retaliate to anything she says,be the bigger person for one day. I'm years to come you'll be glad you attended.
this
RightYesButNo · 17/08/2021 01:31

I think a lot of people are not seeing your comment at 21:05 (or at least I hope these comments are based on missing that). Your mother gets drunk and abused you and your sister just says that she “can’t be bothered with the drama”? So you are the scapegoat who receives your mother’s abuse when drunk and she is the golden child who doesn’t, so has the privilege of ignoring it and minimizing it.

It sounds like, if that’s how she reacted to your mum abusing you, then I doubt you have a great relationship with her, either? If you want to try to meet halfway, go for the ceremony and leave as soon as it’s after, though I doubt this will please her (as no pictures including you). And if you don’t want to “be bothered with the drama,” just don’t go and, as I’m sure you’re aware, she’ll blame you and not your mother not matter what you say.

romdowa · 17/08/2021 05:55

I wouldn't go personally, you know full well that your mother will start drama at this wedding no matter if you are there or not. At least if you aren't there then you can't be blamed or abused. Sounds like your sister just wants a scapegoat to cover for your mother's behaviour on the day.

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2021 05:59

If you can go just for the ceremony easily and avoid your mum then do that but if not then don’t go- have you spoken to your sister about your mum before to try to have a more united front?

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2021 06:04

Does your sister want you to go so you’ll be the target of your mums drunken ire instead of her?

And she offloads your mum on you and gets ‘her day’ without your mum falling over drunk and screaming at her instead?

I wouldn’t go at all.

Your sister is completely aware of the situation she’s chosen to have your mum around. Which is her choice.

You choose not to play target to your mothers abuse. Also fair.

I wouldn’t go and wild horses wouldn’t induce me to put in an appearance.

After all of your mother makes a drunken scene and lashes out at you, that would also ruin your sisters day. So let the both of them get on with it and don’t enter the drama.

garlictwist · 17/08/2021 06:05

It's just one day and it's your sisters wedding. I do think you are making it about you. Just go and put up with it for a short time to keep the peace.

PatchworkElmer · 17/08/2021 06:07

I’d go to the ceremony without the kids, but say to your sister in advance that you’re worried about there being a confrontation- if she still wants you there, it’s kind of ‘on’ her. Have a pre-prepared phrase for your Mum- something like “I’m not discussing this today”, and then leave if you have to.

KihoBebiluPute · 17/08/2021 06:17

Go for the ceremony, without kids and car keys constantly at the ready so you can leave at any time.

Leave as soon as there is the merest suggestion of things getting unpleasant.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 17/08/2021 06:33

I wouldn't go.

Billandben444 · 17/08/2021 06:55

Go on your own to the ceremony and then go home. This isn't about you and your mum but about you and your sister so unless you want shot of her as well...? Your sister will have enough on her plate worrying about how her drunk mother will behave at the reception to be bothered about your estrangement. Dress up, fix on a smile and sit a long way away from her - tell your sister you're looking forward to her special moment but that you'll slip away afterwards. Your sister didn't 'throw you to the wolves' and presumably she's had her own moments with mum to deal with over the years. Please do it for her.

LilacPurpleNails · 17/08/2021 07:28

YABU. Why are you punishing your sister for your mum’s behaviour? Just ask other family members (before the wedding) to help keep your mum away from you and your DC. Or go to the wedding without your DC. You should be there for your sister!

Banani · 17/08/2021 07:49

Go for your sister, leave early.

FuckMeGentlyWithAChainsaw · 17/08/2021 07:53

Even before your update where you stated that your sister never supported you because she “couldn’t be bothered with the drama” I was firmly in the “don’t go” camp. Now even more so. No one should have to put up with abuse from anyone, ever, let alone to appease someone else just because it’s their wedding day. I doubt you’ll be eaten up by regret for not going. Have a lovely day somewhere with your kids.

Just to warn you though, you will be blamed if your mother misbehaves at the wedding even if you’re not there. But fuck it. Tell your sister you couldn’t be doing with the drama.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/08/2021 07:58

Can you not ask your sister to compromise, ask her to tell you Mother not to approach you and you attend some of the evening but go home early before your mother gets too drunk?

I can understand your sisters feelings however I also understand this puts t in a massively uncomfortable situation.

Kintsugi16 · 17/08/2021 08:00

It’s your sister so you should go.

Stay sober, be nice to your Mum and just ignore her if things turn nasty.

BorderlineHappy · 17/08/2021 08:10

All these posters telling @Jess389 to go to a wedding where she'll be abused
Swap her DM for a do, would you still be telling her to go.

I'm thinking your sister wants you there so when your DM gets drunk,you'll get the aggro.
And your D's won't.

I wouldn't go,you know the ways it's going to go.Why put yourself in the firing line.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 17/08/2021 08:10

I had a somewhat similar situation, except my sister stayed completely out of the issue between me/mum - I didn't feel she abandoned me but she was close to our mother.
Her wedding, dh and I went to the ceremony only, we didn't bring the children (which was sad). I talked to her well in advance and she was okay about it.

On the day, I was sick with anxiety, the ceremony was lovely and went well, my mother completely blanked me 🙄 I chatted with other family and we left when everyone else went to be seated.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 08:13

Your mom is irrelevant here. What's your relationship like with your sister?

Is it a relationship you're willing to sacrifice?

If it is, don't go.
If it's not, go. Leave the kids at home & tell your sister that if your mom tries to cause drama you'll leave.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 17/08/2021 08:13

Pressed post by accident!

I wouldn't blame you at all for not going OP, but for my sister's wedding I'd personally try to find a compromise. If your sister won't deign to consider a compromise, then you are completely justified in holding your boundaries.

Sorry you're going through this.

saraclara · 17/08/2021 08:30

@SandAndSea

I think the posters effectively telling you to go have probably never been in an abusive relationship.

I was thinking this too.

Well in my case you're both wrong.

I manage by protecting myself where possible, but at the same time protecting my sibling relationship. I don't let my parent be the destruction of the entire (tiny) family.

The way OP tells this, the problem on the day is her own reaction to her mum. She can't ignore it when she presses her buttons, as her sister tries to. I get that. I lost my rag very quickly with my parent and though it's satisfying at the time, I wish I didn't. It makes things harder for those around us.

As I said before, sis copes by trying to ignore her mum's behaviour. OP by reacting. Neither of them is wrong, but while her sister's strategy doesn't impact OP, OP's response does impact her sister, who is reasonable to try to avoid the drama.

Both daughters are victims. I still think OP should go to the ceremony for her sister and just sit far from her mum.

Jerseygirl12 · 17/08/2021 08:33

Another one here saying go to the ceremony only, then you’ve seen your sister get married.

Jerima · 17/08/2021 08:54

You are not being unreasonable not to want to be at the same wedding as somebody who has abused you and will likely abuse you again whilst there.

Let your sister do, say, cry and screech what she likes your priority is you and your children and even if everyone thinks you are a big cunt for not going, who are they anyway? You and your children will be ok despite what people think.

Don't go. It's fine

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