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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Not attending sisters wedding

82 replies

Jess389 · 16/08/2021 20:49

So bit of back ground...

My mum has had a drinking problem for the past 25 years. She was abusive when I was younger but we've always kept up appearances as a functional family. Since having children of my own I've asked her to not drink around them.
This is a rule she has broken multiple times. (I'm not talking just one glass of wine here and there, she's been black out drunk and physically abusive to me in front of my kids). So I have cut her out of my life.

My sister is due to get married soon, it's a small wedding with mainly family attending.
I've told her that although I'd love to be there I don't think it's a good idea for me to be in the same room as our mum, on a day when she will be drinking.

My sister flipped out, said I was making the whole thing about me and that I should do it for her.

The thing is I know that our mum will do something to try get a reaction out of me and if I'm honest I really don't want to ever see her again.

AIBU by not attending?

OP posts:

SofaSpuds · 16/08/2021 21:47

I think I've read posts About your mum before, and it all sounds very tough.
To be honest, I think you're right not to want to go to the wedding. Your sister didn't have your back when your mum verbally attacked you, I think you need to do what's right for you and no one else.

Janaih · 16/08/2021 21:51

Yeah I'm inclined to say fuck your sister. Seems like she's victim blaming you. She's not even offered to have words with your mother so she's on her best behaviour. Spineless.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 21:51

I would not be going. I think you've suffered enough abuse, drama and toxicity to last a lifetime. If your sister can't understand that, that's her problem.

KarmaStar · 16/08/2021 21:59

You should go and support your sister.
Be polite to your mum just don't pander to her.
Don't retaliate to anything she says,be the bigger person for one day.
I'm years to come you'll be glad you attended.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 22:00

@Janaih

Yeah I'm inclined to say fuck your sister. Seems like she's victim blaming you. She's not even offered to have words with your mother so she's on her best behaviour. Spineless.

...or maybe it's just exhausting to be caught between two people who explode at each other whenever they meet.

Lorw · 16/08/2021 22:01

Making her choose basically between you or your mum is unfair OP. Go without kiddos and just ignore her, do it for your sister because it may come to be something you regret, depends on the relationship with your sister ofcourse obviously if you’s aren’t close and you don’t really care about being there don’t put yourself through that.

Supersimkin2 · 16/08/2021 22:08

Your real question is whether you want the alcoholic to do any more damage to your family by ruining your relationship with your sister.

I'd go. You'll both be better off in the long run.

Janaih · 16/08/2021 22:15

Or her mother could ruin her sisters wedding and manipulate everyone into thinking it was OPs fault.

StoneofDestiny · 16/08/2021 22:21

I'd go and leave as soon as she starts her aggression

Notimeforaname · 16/08/2021 22:24

I'd do what others suggested.
Dont take your kids and go to the ceremony and meal. Leave before it gets messy drunk.

PeacheyPeach · 16/08/2021 22:31

I'm sorry but YANBU! Your sister said she couldn't be bothered with the drama after your own mum was abusive to you, and told you she hates you. You owe neither of these women anything! You have to protect yourself and your children from the drama that your mum brings, so If it was me I would just put it back to your sister that " you can't be bothered with the drama" that will come from seeing your mum, your sister has obviously not tried to reason with her or even have your back so she doesn't deserve your loyalty.

godmum56 · 16/08/2021 22:34

Definitely YANBU for the rest, how much to you want to keep in contact with your sister? basically what are you prepared to do for her?

CabbagesGreen · 16/08/2021 22:36

I'd go to the ceremony (without your kids) then the reception if it's a meal or something. Ask if you can be sat away from your mum. Then leave after the meal. So she doesnt have much time to get drunk and talk to you. One day your mum will die and your sister might realise how tough you had it with her and still you showed up for her. She might not of course but it will make any reconciliation after your mum's death that little bit easier.

Actupfishy · 16/08/2021 22:37

You’re setting your boundaries. You don’t want to spend time around somebody who is emotionally abusive towards you. YANBU!

Yesitsbess · 16/08/2021 22:44

No you do not have to go to please your sister, she doesn't want the drama when it suits her.

There's an option on the invite to 'decline with regret.' Use it.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 22:57

@Yesitsbess

No you do not have to go to please your sister, she doesn't want the drama when it suits her.

There's an option on the invite to 'decline with regret.' Use it.

OP doesn't want the drama either.

The sisters just deal with it in different ways. One hides from it, the other confronts it. Neither is wrong. They are simply different coping mechanisms.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 22:58

...and actually, by not going to the wedding, OP is doing what her DSis has been doing all along. Hiding from it.

Sally872 · 16/08/2021 23:01

I would go for my sister. I wouldn't take kids incase she was abusive and I would be civil enough to mum to get through the day.

thefourgp · 16/08/2021 23:16

I think the posters effectively telling you to go have probably never been in an abusive relationship. It’s horrendous to be on edge/highly anxious around forced contact with an abuser. It’s awful when people who are meant to love you are dismissive of the abuse.
You need to do what’s best for you, not what’s best for your sister. You’ve said you think your mother will start something and as she’s done before, your sister will not support you, I wouldn’t go.
My mother isn’t abusive but we did have a big fall out six years ago where she was completely in the wrong and my sister had my back 100%. She didn’t fall out with my mum but she made it absolutely clear to her and other family members that she thought my mum was in the wrong and should apologise to me.
When my abusive ex husband’s brother refused to go to a family wedding because he knew my ex husband would get drunk and start an argument, a lot of his family fell out with him over it but I think he made the right choice. My ex would have gotten drunk, tried to talk to him like nothing had ever happened, then gotten angry /loud /argumentative if he didn’t want to speak with him. So often people want the victims to put up and shut up to make their own lives easier.

SandAndSea · 16/08/2021 23:40

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

If I was your sister, I would have anticipated this situation and would have tried to come up with some kind of solution and would be reassuring you in every way possible. The fact that she hasn't seems quite telling. You're not the abuser and yet you're being treated as though it's you who's being unreasonable. "How dare you not want to go and spend a day being abused by your alcoholic parent??!!" Of course you don't want to put yourself in that position again!

Whether you go or not depends on your relationship with your sister and whether you see a future with her. If you do, then perhaps, going to the ceremony could work, with some support? Could she organise the seating and photos to minimise your contact with your mum? This sort of thing isn't unusual at weddings and is a small request if it means you can be there. (Ask gently though, she may be very stressed about it all herself.)

I've been to quite a few weddings over the years and there have been a few I haven't gone to too. I've never regretted the ones I didn't go to. However, these weddings were a clarifying point in my relationships with those people and I'm no longer in touch with any of them. Overall, I've found that the way that weddings are managed tells you a lot about how you're valued, or not, by the people involved.

SandAndSea · 16/08/2021 23:42

I think the posters effectively telling you to go have probably never been in an abusive relationship.

I was thinking this too.

ifindoubtdoit · 16/08/2021 23:50

I would go for the sake of your sister. Don't bring your kids and leave after the meal before everyone gets drunk. Use the excuse you've to get the kids.

Anordinarymum · 16/08/2021 23:51

Of course you have to go. It's your sister for goodness sake ! Just go. If you don't you will both regret it for opposite reasons and she will hold it against you for being petty and I wouldn't blame her either.

MissTrip82 · 16/08/2021 23:51

@Morechocmorechoc

Is there a story with your sister here? Punishing her for your mum's wrongs is very horrible

Did you miss the bit about abusive behaviour?

The OP is not punishing anyone; she is free to choose never to have contact with an abusive parent again.

I have no idea why people are commenting as if the OP’s mum is just a bit rude or awkward.

MissTrip82 · 16/08/2021 23:52

@SandAndSea

I think the posters effectively telling you to go have probably never been in an abusive relationship.

I was thinking this too.

Completely agree.

It’s actually staggering.

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