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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I break MIL's trust?

98 replies

EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:01

Background: Late last year DH told me out of the blue he owed about £50k across his overdraft, credit card and 2 loans. We have some joint debt in addition to our mortgage. We have been working together to clear his debts, but obviously trust has gone from our relationship.
MIL and I have an okay relationship, we've disagreed in the past but she is a very kind and generous grandparent, who would drop anything to help if you were stuck.
Visiting today and I brought up the subjects of my DHs debt, something I've hinted at before but we've never spoken about frankly. Early on in the conversation she said that DH had borrowed money from FIL last summer. She expected me to know. I didn't know. She has asked me not to say anything because when DH borrowed the money he asked his dad not tell her.
Obviously I'd like to raise this with DH. I'm frustrated and disappointed that he has once again chosen not to be completely honest. The £50k was actually higher (I don't know how much but I'm guessing he was given at least £5-£10k+).
I've never seen any evidence but my gut tells me he's gambled the money. I want to confront him with this new information. But I don't want to hurt MIL or put her in a difficult position with FIL if it comes out she told me.
So AIBU to break her trust?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/08/2021 18:08

Totally unreasonable.

Because you're thinking this is something to be used in a confrontation when you should be just telling him you want a divorce.

Undisclosedlocation · 16/08/2021 18:10

Did he borrow the money before or after you found out about the debt and started working on it together?

Either way it sounds as if his idea of ‘coming clean’ was to tell you what he absolutely had to and hide the rest. The MIL situation is a bit of a red herring really. You have far bigger issues to worry about I’m afraid, which will only get sorted by having the whole situation out with him, including access to all his finances,credit report etc to make certain you know what the whole picture is.

That was a long winded way of saying you need to break her trust. I don’t see you have a choice

Wowcherarestalkingme · 16/08/2021 18:11

I wouldn’t break her trust. But I would be asking to see every last piece of financial paperwork from the last few years to see exactly where all this money has gone. He clearly can’t be trusted with money and unless you can see it all laid bare, how will you know things are getting paid off and not more debt being run up?

Unanananana · 16/08/2021 18:13

What has he done with £50k?!

Undisclosedlocation · 16/08/2021 18:16

Actually on further reflection, there is another option. Give him one last chance to be completely honest with you.if he chooses not to tell you about the money his dad lent him, you know your relationship is dead in the water, but he doesn’t have to know you know about the money, which lets MIL off the hook.
Sorry OP, what a crap situation for you

Hadalifeonce · 16/08/2021 18:16

I found out by accident that my DH had borrowed money from his father, this was after DH had told me the extent of his gambling losses.
I spoke with my FiL, explained the situation re DHs gambling, and asked him never to lend him any money ever. My FiL was obviously upset as he assumed I knew about the money. He kept my confidence and I his. But he did say it wouldn't happen again unless it was something I knew about.
Could you speak to you FiL?

StoneofDestiny · 16/08/2021 18:16

You need to get his cards cut up, bank accounts in your sole name, deeds of house transferred to you and get him to Gam Anon.

StoneofDestiny · 16/08/2021 18:18

Sorry - I should have said encourage him to go to Gam Anon

Original poster
EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:18

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Totally unreasonable.

Because you're thinking this is something to be used in a confrontation when you should be just telling him you want a divorce.

At this point I have no plans to divorce him. I understand this would be a deal breaker for others but whilst he has his faults, I love him and want to make it work.
OP posts:
Original poster
EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:21

@Unanananana

What has he done with £50k?!
This is going to sound ridiculous but I don't know. He was fobbed me off with this and that and interest etc. As time goes by I suspect gambling.

I promise I'm not a total pushover in all aspects of my life.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 18:22

Stop wasting your time and get a solicitor. Personally, I would break her trust because I would 100% want my husband to know that he's been proven a liar once again. I'd confess and apologise to the MIL when I inform her that I'm divorcing her son. It is unreasonable of your MIL to expect you to be complict in this lie and deception.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/08/2021 18:22

YABU - because you suspect gambling and you are not demanding complete transparency.

You will wreck yourself on the rocks of his addiction.

Get some proper advice and support - that will start with you being advised that only 100% transparency can be the basis of a continued loving, honest relationship. You don't have that, neither of you is being 100% honest with the other!

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 18:23

At this point I have no plans to divorce him. I understand this would be a deal breaker for others but whilst he has his faults, I love him and want to make it work.

That's unfortunate, because if he is a gambling addict, he will ruin your life. You will lose absolutely everything to his addiction.

Patapouf · 16/08/2021 18:26

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Totally unreasonable.

Because you're thinking this is something to be used in a confrontation when you should be just telling him you want a divorce.

This.

Stop letting him mug you off like this!

Original poster
EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:28

@Wowcherarestalkingme

I wouldn’t break her trust. But I would be asking to see every last piece of financial paperwork from the last few years to see exactly where all this money has gone. He clearly can’t be trusted with money and unless you can see it all laid bare, how will you know things are getting paid off and not more debt being run up?
I transfer £100 per month to his account, beyond that he has access to our grocery and joint accounts but any transactions on either account and both he and I receive a phone notification (Monzo and Starling). He could apply for an overdraft - this has prompted me to ask to see for myself that he hasn't. I haven't seen the paperwork relating to the loans, this plays on my mind and I need to demand to see it.
OP posts:
godmum56 · 16/08/2021 18:29

@Wowcherarestalkingme

I wouldn’t break her trust. But I would be asking to see every last piece of financial paperwork from the last few years to see exactly where all this money has gone. He clearly can’t be trusted with money and unless you can see it all laid bare, how will you know things are getting paid off and not more debt being run up?
this ^^ I wouldn't break Mils trust because of the knock on effects to her marriage.
user16395699 · 16/08/2021 18:30

I love him and want to make it work.

That's great, but you can't make a relationship work alone. That is not the nature of relationships. You can only change your own behaviour - not his - and the problem here is his behaviour not yours.

If this is a gambling addiction as you suspect, then there is nothing within your power to do to change anything meaningful. So whilst you may wish "to make it work" it is not within your power to do. Sad as that may be.

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, a relationship has to end - at a certain point here you have to decide that you love yourself enough to rescue yourself from this.

Undisclosedlocation · 16/08/2021 18:32

Surely he has to meet you at least part way on this OP?
Won’t tell you how much he owes, won’t tell you what he spent it on, won’t admit he has a problem, won’t give you access to his accounts to see for yourself.

So basically your choices are put up with the same pattern repeating itself, or leave. Because he has shown absolutely no honesty, inclination to change or determination to do his part and ‘make things work’ for your relationship.

Unless he admits the problem and takes steps to fix them, what exactly can you do to solve things except for putting up with this shit for years to come?

Completelybewildered · 16/08/2021 18:32

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Totally unreasonable.

Because you're thinking this is something to be used in a confrontation when you should be just telling him you want a divorce.

This
user16395699 · 16/08/2021 18:32

He could apply for an overdraft

He could apply for a great many things without you knowing about it.

Your current set-up is based on you trying to control him to change his behaviour. It won't work. I'm sorry.

Original poster
EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:34

Sorry I didn't make it clear in my last post that his salary is paid into our joint account. His debt repayments are paid from the same account.

I have questioned whether it can be gambling because if it is he would have had to suddenly stop when his access to money was cut off. Is that even possible with an addiction like gambling?

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 16/08/2021 18:34

you might love him but he will drag you down with him and you are being lied to .

if he loved you he would be getting help and telling you the truth .

this is not a good relationship . It sounds like he loves gambling more than you .

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2021 18:34

@user16395699

He could apply for an overdraft

He could apply for a great many things without you knowing about it.

Your current set-up is based on you trying to control him to change his behaviour. It won't work. I'm sorry.

He may also be applying for loans and credit cards in your name that you are totally unaware of. My cousin's ex, a gambling addict, did this to her and utterly destroyed her life.
Undisclosedlocation · 16/08/2021 18:35

@EktorpKallax

Sorry I didn't make it clear in my last post that his salary is paid into our joint account. His debt repayments are paid from the same account.

I have questioned whether it can be gambling because if it is he would have had to suddenly stop when his access to money was cut off. Is that even possible with an addiction like gambling?

Or as others have pointed out, he could simply have applied for some new debt that you know nothing about
Original poster
EktorpKallax · 16/08/2021 18:36

@user16395699

I love him and want to make it work.

That's great, but you can't make a relationship work alone. That is not the nature of relationships. You can only change your own behaviour - not his - and the problem here is his behaviour not yours.

If this is a gambling addiction as you suspect, then there is nothing within your power to do to change anything meaningful. So whilst you may wish "to make it work" it is not within your power to do. Sad as that may be.

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, a relationship has to end - at a certain point here you have to decide that you love yourself enough to rescue yourself from this.

My first DH was an alcoholic, whom I divorced when DS1 was 2, so I do understand. If I was sure it was gambling and DH made no effort to change his behaviour that would be it for me.
OP posts: