Do I break MIL's trust?

[EktorpKallax]

Background: Late last year DH told me out of the blue he owed about £50k across his overdraft, credit card and 2 loans. We have some joint debt in addition to our mortgage. We have been working together to clear his debts, but obviously trust has gone from our relationship.
MIL and I have an okay relationship, we've disagreed in the past but she is a very kind and generous grandparent, who would drop anything to help if you were stuck.
Visiting today and I brought up the subjects of my DHs debt, something I've hinted at before but we've never spoken about frankly. Early on in the conversation she said that DH had borrowed money from FIL last summer. She expected me to know. I didn't know. She has asked me not to say anything because when DH borrowed the money he asked his dad not tell her.
Obviously I'd like to raise this with DH. I'm frustrated and disappointed that he has once again chosen not to be completely honest. The £50k was actually higher (I don't know how much but I'm guessing he was given at least £5-£10k+).
I've never seen any evidence but my gut tells me he's gambled the money. I want to confront him with this new information. But I don't want to hurt MIL or put her in a difficult position with FIL if it comes out she told me.
So AIBU to break her trust?

if he is gambling, he needs to be registered with the various websites that track problem gamblers and stop them registering on new betting sites etc.

and do get outside help - gambling is a serious addiction & can easily ruin both your lives.

At this point I have no plans to divorce him.

This is your problem.

Not your MIL and breaking her trust.

Your husband lies about money, is hurting you and his family members and will not stop.

Your choice is to be dragged down by him or to start saying no and putting up barriers and walking away.

At this point, you make sure your inlaws are left in no doubt that you are leaving him for his financial abuse and gambling problems and let them work it out themselves.

No need to even mention anything about this particular amount of money.

YOU NEED TO ACT. Firstly, ask him to see all the paperwork. Understand the scale of his debts and where exactly it all went. Make a plan to fix it, set clear boundaries boundaries get him to agree. Then, get him some help. Addictions do not go away by themselves.

“My first DH was an alcoholic, whom I divorced when DS1 was 2, so I do understand. If I was sure it was gambling and DH made no effort to change his behaviour that would be it for me.”

Are you too scared to tackle him because you don’t want to hear the answers OP? You know, easier to bury your head in the sand sort of thing?

Have you not asked to see proof? Statements? Paperwork detailing charges? If not, then you are a pushover. Love will only get you so far.

Gambling destroyed my marriage. The trust was gone, and I couldn't repect someone that would take money that could be used for our children or to give us a better life.

You give him pocket money basically. Not attractive.

Gamblers do not give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Get hold of your credit files. It's easier to do now & see if there's anything there that shouldnt be. You'll be linked to him financially, you need to be very cautious.

What a pickle. Poor you OP.

So far, he has shown no interest in making your relationship work. Only in covering up his debts and trying his hardest to keep you in the dark. About your own finances.

The best outcome for you would be divorce. I'm sorry. It's awful.

He only has one source of income, if he was applying for further credit to fund a gambling habit, he only has access to £100 per month to make repayments without me knowing.
I sound naive but whilst I could believe the debt arose through gambling, I don't think he has the means to still be gambling.

You've known about this debt since last year and you haven't demanded to see proof of where all this money went? I'm sorry, but you're living in denial. He has been able to continue his lies and deception totally unchecked. There is no saving the marriage in these circumstances.

@Undisclosedlocation

“My first DH was an alcoholic, whom I divorced when DS1 was 2, so I do understand. If I was sure it was gambling and DH made no effort to change his behaviour that would be it for me.”

Are you too scared to tackle him because you don’t want to hear the answers OP? You know, easier to bury your head in the sand sort of thing?

Yes probably

@EktorpKallax

He only has one source of income, if he was applying for further credit to fund a gambling habit, he only has access to £100 per month to make repayments without me knowing. I sound naive but whilst I could believe the debt arose through gambling, I don't think he has the means to still be gambling.

But he could be taking out credits without repaying. That's the issue. What if he's talking out zero interest credit cards?

Yes. Check your own credit files as a matter of urgency. My DF nearly took DM down with him when he went bankrupt, their names/initials were one letter different and he abused that similarity for years, simply adding her first initial to his paperwork!

You can't keep hiding from this... he's doing that well enough for both of yoou!

Has he blocked himself on GamStop?

www.gamblingcommission.gov.uk/public-and-players/safer-gambling

@R0tational

What a pickle. Poor you OP.

Thank you

Thank you for all of your responses

I'm not flouncing, just eating dinner

Fucking hell. I'm scared he has loans in you name or joint names that you have responsibility for. Have you/he anything left? Get away from this man. Get away.

Your not you

If you join MSE Credit Club you get an experian ( I think) check monthly. They email you to tell you have an update on your credit scoreand you can log on and check it. Its free..

I've never seen any evidence but my gut tells me he's gambled the money

So could be gambling, could be a drug habit or escort\webcams could be he has a sidepiece with a secret child tucked away somewhere that he is supporting, anything really. The question is are you prepared for his behaviour to make you and your DC homeless? A family friend lost her home last year because of her DP gambling, she didn't have a clue, she and her kids are in her parents spare room and she has to start all over again, her parents are in knots with worry over her the kids.

I would want to know exactly what he had spent £50,000 on, how can you begin to tackle the problem with complete honesty and transparency?

£50,000 is a lot of money

I'd be concerned what other debt he owes you don't know about. You might think you have a plan for repaying this but you don't even have a clear figure for how much he owes. I don't understand how you can be so relaxed about his not exposing how he got in that position

I ran up that much secret debt without gambling so it’s entirely possible.
4 or 5 credit cards with high interest rates and the odd loan and there you go so don’t assume that (other than the debt) he’s up to anything

Never mind your MIL, I’d divorce my husband for this. He’s dishonest deceitful. How can you ever trust him again.

I wouldn't break her trust.

However I would say to him, right it's been X long, we need to sit down and review where we are, we need to go through all of your accounts to make sure we haven't missed a debtor out and have unwanted baliffs turning up.
When going through the accounts you'll hopefully see the transaction his father made (unless he was given cash), but you will also be able to see if he has been online gambling, or paying to watch girls on sex sites etc

Whilst going through the review ask if he owes any personal friends or family money.

If he says no, then your living with a liar

If he has nothing to show for spending £50k then it must be gambling or drugs and either way it sounds like he has an addiction to something. Addicts can’t just stop , you’d be surprised how devious they are and will stop at nothing to get their fix. I really think you are being naive Op , I would be worried that he is building up more debt that you don’t know about - secret bank account maybe. Honestly, please don’t let him drag you down with him.