Do I break MIL's trust?

[EktorpKallax]

Background: Late last year DH told me out of the blue he owed about £50k across his overdraft, credit card and 2 loans. We have some joint debt in addition to our mortgage. We have been working together to clear his debts, but obviously trust has gone from our relationship.
MIL and I have an okay relationship, we've disagreed in the past but she is a very kind and generous grandparent, who would drop anything to help if you were stuck.
Visiting today and I brought up the subjects of my DHs debt, something I've hinted at before but we've never spoken about frankly. Early on in the conversation she said that DH had borrowed money from FIL last summer. She expected me to know. I didn't know. She has asked me not to say anything because when DH borrowed the money he asked his dad not tell her.
Obviously I'd like to raise this with DH. I'm frustrated and disappointed that he has once again chosen not to be completely honest. The £50k was actually higher (I don't know how much but I'm guessing he was given at least £5-£10k+).
I've never seen any evidence but my gut tells me he's gambled the money. I want to confront him with this new information. But I don't want to hurt MIL or put her in a difficult position with FIL if it comes out she told me.
So AIBU to break her trust?

An you only pay back £100 per month if you owe 50K?

It spiralled over the years, taking on extra hobbies for the children, spending far too much on convenience food because at points I was pretty poorly but trying to keep working full time and keep normal life’s for the kids. Adding school uniforms and Christmas bills to the credit cards.

We’ve been really lucky that we gained a lump sum last year that allowed us to pay off some of the debt, pay off the car so reduced our outgoing a lot. Got proper payment plans in place that we can afford. Paid off the car insurance etc in a lump sum and now save the monthly premiums so we can continue to do that in future.

So we have dealt with it but it works that DH now deals with the savings and extra money each month.

@EktorpKallax I promise I'm not a total pushover in all aspects of my life.

Well you are in this aspect. You’re a deluded fool if I’m honest but no amount of people telling you that on here will help. You still don’t know half of the story and yet you ‘love’ him. Seriously?

It never gets any better.
Get out while you can. His debt will.destroy you

Why on Earth have you not demanded to know what he spent £50-60,000 on?!?!?!?!

@Aquamarine1029

At this point I have no plans to divorce him. I understand this would be a deal breaker for others but whilst he has his faults, I love him and want to make it work.

That's unfortunate, because if he is a gambling addict, he will ruin your life. You will lose absolutely everything to his addiction.

Yep.

You're a fool to remain legally tied to him.

He’s putting your house and credit rating at risk and you have. Dc (appreciate he’s not birth father)
That would be a deal breaker for me - unless he’s prepared to get help and make a change
Don’t wait until you have bailiffs at the door

My first marriage ended when my ex chose to spend our final £10 on alcohol.

I'm so sorry OP. I can only imagine the fear / upset at the prospect of potentially facing into something similar again.

Thank you for asking about me. Well, it's 8 years later, my 3 kids were very little when he left & trying to work / manage them / pay bills was really hard, but I managed. On one level, he pays something at least, if not anything near what he should. Trying to regularise our situation has been a nightmare (I'm in Ireland so until recently you had to be separated 4 years before could apply for divorce & he has made it extremely difficult to process but I'm finally in sniffing distance of it!). However, I've a good job, the kids are doing fine, and although money is a challenge, I've never had that stomach-churning fear of checking my bank balance to see I've nothing or watch him stroll in with a top-of-the range bike when we'd no money for groceries, and that's invaluable.

Everyone's situation is different and if hesitate to say LTB, but absolutely frank, all cards on the table conversations are needed. You can't live a proper life or have any marriage when you've no idea where 50k went (and it's more than that with the money from his parents).

My ex used to get money from his mother, who would not have it to give, and still does, in his 50s. For his holidays & to buy a new car, that kind of stuff. Just horrible.

Life isn’t black and white. Relationships have good qualities as well as bad, that’s why it isn’t as simple a leaving when one thing goes wrong.

OP have you gone through all of his accounts with him? Do you know his passwords, if you do you could try logging into a few gambling sites and see if he has been using them/when he last used them. Maybe speak to him and ask directly is this all the debt, is there anymore you owe because now is the time to put it all on the table and see if he comes clean.

Have you thought of doing a credit check on him?

Could he remortgage the property.

Gambling is absolutely terrifying, far worse than drink.

It can literally leave you on the streets.
So much credit card death, leans against property.

NEVER underestimate the deviousness of a gambler.

Online betting means they can go through thousands and you would never know.

Gambling during the pandemic has gone through the roof.

This is a tough one and I don't know the right answer,but...I do hate it when I'm told something I can't say anything about,use constructively. I would rather be kept unawares.

My first marriage ended when my ex chose to spend our final £10 on alcohol.

I assume it ended with XH because the trust was already gone AND he spent your last £10 on alcohol. Because if you really think about what the money means, your current H has not only spent your last £10, but also £50 THOUSAND you didn’t have on… maybe gambling? But you’re not sure. Because you’re too scared to ask. Because there’s no answer that isn’t horrible: gambling, cocaine, strip clubs, prostitutes, webcam girls. I doubt he was addicted to charity donations. Right now, you really don’t know and I guess it’s making you feel better. But he has some kind of addiction, and eventually he’ll have some money to spend on it again, and he will, and then…? You can’t base the trust in your relationship on simply not asking him what the fuck is going on, even while you help him pay off well over £50K. Because unless you know it all, next time he’ll just be hiding it better and the consequences will be worse. I’m sorry and I do hope you find both the whole truth and a solution

@Wombat64

Get hold of your credit files. It's easier to do now & see if there's anything there that shouldnt be. You'll be linked to him financially, you need to be very cautious.

This.

My SIL spent years applying for credit cards and store cards in my DP and MIL's name, it was only when we started looking at buying a house did he realise all the fraudulent activity. It's took 4 years to sort out.

Get yourself on Experian and make sure you don't have any debts or loans that you're not aware of.

@billy1966

Have you thought of doing a credit check on him?

Could he remortgage the property.

Gambling is absolutely terrifying, far worse than drink.

It can literally leave you on the streets.
So much credit card death, leans against property.

NEVER underestimate the deviousness of a gambler.

Online betting means they can go through thousands and you would never know.

Gambling during the pandemic has gone through the roof.

And don't forget that the prospect of losing your home actually makes him happy. It's the high stakes that give him the biggest buzz.

He's gambling on you a) not finding out b) his being able to convince you that you're mad, unreasonable, imagining it, it's isn't his fault and c) you being daft enough to think that he's worth it.

He ENJOYS knowing he's seconds away from ruining your life and future. What it could do to you is WHY he likes it. You being beside yourself with worry and uncertainty about whether to confront him is an extra reward. Because he knows it will come out in the end. He's just making a gigantic bet with you, your house and everything you've ever done, including love him as the stake. Because IT FEELS GOOD.

Get some proper advice and support - that will start with you being advised that only 100% transparency can be the basis of a continued loving, honest relationship. You don't have that, neither of you is being 100% honest with the other!

Yes. You can't make this work when you still have next to no information about where this money went.

I do think that you need to preserve MIL's trust, but I do think it's time to talk again. Yes, it does seem that the debt is getting paid off and theoretically he doesn't have money to throw down the drain. But still, I think you should point out that he's never given you the full picture and that it concerns you. And I'd be tempted to ask directly if he's ever borrowed money from anyone else...like family.

@EktorpKallax

@ undisclosedlocation All very true

@HalzTangz yes that's mine, I'm going to ask him to check his today and give me his login details

Sorry to hear your troubles Ektorp. I have checked my DH credit rating (with his permission, he couldn't be bothered) so it's possible to do so without his knowledge . Don't use the Experian site as you say he already uses it.

@Undisclosedlocation

Actually on further reflection, there is another option. Give him one last chance to be completely honest withyou.ifhe chooses not to tell you about the money his dad lent him, you know your relationship is dead in the water, but he doesn’t have to know you know about the money, which lets MIL off the hook.
Sorry OP, what a crap situation for you

This absolutely 👏
Simple but tells a million truths without blaming MIL.

A good question to ask ‘Is there any reason whatsoever that I will find evidence that you have borrowed/taken out any loans that I don’t know about?’

It’s a phrase that interrogators use and often results in a confession.

I would be demanding full financial transparency of the current situation and the historical situation. If you can’t work out how you got into this debt then how you vacancy you fix it and be assured that whilst you think it’s getting paid off, he is actually borrowing more from FIL, other family members, a mate or a bank?

You need to find some anger, this level of debt will effect what you as a family do, that would be paying from you to upgrade your house, clear a massive chunk of mortgage, let you retire a year or two earlier or deposits for your dc to buy a house or towards uni, it is a significant sum and that figure probably won’t include the interest you are paying every month.

You need to get to the bottom of this or it could be £75k next year and £100k the year after.

When you have the full picture of finances go to the debt free wannabe board on Money Saving Expert and get advice, post your statement of affairs (incomings vs outgoings) and see what you can do to get this sorted out quicker and make sure you and DH are dealing it with it together and the reasons that caused the debt have been addressed.

@OverweightPidgeon

A good question to ask ‘Is there any reason whatsoever that I will find evidence that you have borrowed/taken out any loans that I don’t know about?’

It’s a phrase that interrogators use and often results in a confession.

I don't know about interrogators but linguistically, it doesn't make sense. Do you mean any 'chance' instead of 'reason'?

Also, if a person has lied for a long time and consistently failed to disclose where the money went, I doubt they'd have much difficulty continuing to do so. I know my ex would have - and did. He tried to lie when I stood I front of him with the actual evidence!

My first DH was an alcoholic, whom I divorced when DS1 was 2, so I do understand. If I was sure it was gambling and DH made no effort to change his behaviour that would be it for me.

But how do you know if he’s changing his behaviour when you don’t even know what the behaviour is? He hasn’t come clean with you about where the fuck £50k has disappeared. He’s got his parents loaning him god knows how much more money and colluding with his lies. It could be gambling (which as others have said, will ruin your life as well as his) but it also could be drugs, other women, cam sites, sex workers, a secret child…

He’s very lucky to have someone who loves him as you do. You’re not so lucky though. You’re saddled with a loser.

Have you run a credit check on him?

Please don't rely on the experience credit score - it's a pretty meaningless number. You need to look at the credit history, so any credit that has been taken out, any searches done, any late payments or judgements etc.