Do I break MIL's trust?

[EktorpKallax]

Background: Late last year DH told me out of the blue he owed about £50k across his overdraft, credit card and 2 loans. We have some joint debt in addition to our mortgage. We have been working together to clear his debts, but obviously trust has gone from our relationship.
MIL and I have an okay relationship, we've disagreed in the past but she is a very kind and generous grandparent, who would drop anything to help if you were stuck.
Visiting today and I brought up the subjects of my DHs debt, something I've hinted at before but we've never spoken about frankly. Early on in the conversation she said that DH had borrowed money from FIL last summer. She expected me to know. I didn't know. She has asked me not to say anything because when DH borrowed the money he asked his dad not tell her.
Obviously I'd like to raise this with DH. I'm frustrated and disappointed that he has once again chosen not to be completely honest. The £50k was actually higher (I don't know how much but I'm guessing he was given at least £5-£10k+).
I've never seen any evidence but my gut tells me he's gambled the money. I want to confront him with this new information. But I don't want to hurt MIL or put her in a difficult position with FIL if it comes out she told me.
So AIBU to break her trust?

If he has debts his credit rating will be shot to pieces, he wouldn't get a decent credit card or low interest one

@HalzTangz

If he has debts his credit rating will be shot to pieces, he wouldn't get a decent credit card or low interest one

And that's when gambling addicts start opening accounts in other people's names.

Don't break her trust, she's done nothing wrong , this is all on your DH!

Your assumption of gambling is ridiculous, you need to ask for copies of his old credit card statements, old bank statements and don't listen to the "nonsense" of I cant get them, he can if he wants to.

He must have an audit trail of where the money went.

You're absolutely burying your head in the sand, loving someone doesn't mean then can financially ruin you. He doesn't love you much to do that.

How on earth can you let him get away with fobbing you off about what he spent £50k on? You've been there before with an alcoholic. You've swapped one addict for another. I'd sit him down with his parents and have it out, find out what amount they gave him and at least have some idea of what he now owes in total. Stop allowing him to make a bloody fool out of you. Make sure you are building up funds in your own name and get the hell away from him.

You’re not dealing with the problem as you don’t really know what the problem is….so for that reason along you need to get much more information.

Mil told you for a reason too- what that is I don’t know for sure but I would take it as a warning to get all my ducks in a row and leave.

You’re eerily calm about the whole thing.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re eerily calm about the whole thing.

I've had 9 months to get used to the idea

@RainingYetAgain

If you join MSE Credit Club you get an experian ( I think) check monthly. They email you to tell you have an update on your credit scoreand you can log on and check it. Its free..

I get a regular email from Experian. I've just checked again and it's gone up 20 points to 999

Tell him you need a final sit down.

Ask him for a total then get his laptop and phone. Ask for a credit check. Look at his browser history. And if he wasn't open and honest about the amount and where it's gone, I'm sorry but I couldn't live with someone like that.
If you're married the debts are half yours I think, please check on that.

I really feel for you OP.

My now exH accumulated a similar amount of debt before we were married, but I only found out about it about 6 months into our marriage (when the mortgage payments started bouncing).

In his case, it was incredibly, just frittering it away, spending on bits & pieces all the time, increasing his o/d, taking out ew credit cards etc. Before we were married, I thought he was great with money - he could always afford meals out, gifts for me, holidays when I couldn't. (We didn't live together before we were married. I know. 🤦🏻‍♀️)

When I found out I did all the work of consolidating the debt, setting up repayment; salary went to joint amount, he had limited spending in his personal account.

Technically it should have solved things. It didn't. Somehow, he kept spending, using joint money, savings, even when we both lost our jobs at one point, when we had kids. I spent years desperately trying to manage, to talk to him, to 'fix' it. It was a nightmare.

There was other abuse too (very serious) but this nearly destroyed me. I remember the night I finally decided I'd had enough. We had €125 to last till payday - 2 weeks away - he knew this. He insisted on going out after a match. He would have 'one drink'. I was 'controlling' to stop him. He spent every penny. And I finally told him to leave.

I'm not saying your husband is abusive. But this behaviour, of accumulating debt, and refusing or being unable to tell you where it's gone, rings so many alarm bells.

Although you've 'solved' the problem for now, it's not really fixed until he properly addresses it, is honest & commits to change in himself.

Otherwise at some point it will happen again. When there is some vulnerability, some opportunity.

And without trust, there's no relationship at all.

Good luck 💐

@OverweightPidgeon

If he has nothing to show for spending £50k then it must be gambling or drugs and either way it sounds like he has an addiction to something. Addicts can’t just stop , you’d be surprised how devious they are and will stop at nothing to get their fix. I really think you are being naive Op , I would be worried that he is building up more debt that you don’t know about - secret bank account maybe. Honestly, please don’t let him drag you down with him.

I don't think I'd be that surprised tbh

YABU to betray your MIL’s trust.
Your DH is an addict and a liar, you love him so all you can do is protect yourself as much as you can.

@EarringsandLipstick

I really feel for you OP.

My now exH accumulated a similar amount of debt before we were married, but I only found out about it about 6 months into our marriage (when the mortgage payments started bouncing).

In his case, it was incredibly, just frittering it away, spending on bits & pieces all the time, increasing his o/d, taking out ew credit cards etc. Before we were married, I thought he was great with money - he could always afford meals out, gifts for me, holidays when I couldn't. (We didn't live together before we were married. I know. 🤦🏻‍♀️)

When I found out I did all the work of consolidating the debt, setting up repayment; salary went to joint amount, he had limited spending in his personal account.

Technically it should have solved things. It didn't. Somehow, he kept spending, using joint money, savings, even when we both lost our jobs at one point, when we had kids. I spent years desperately trying to manage, to talk to him, to 'fix' it. It was a nightmare.

There was other abuse too (very serious) but this nearly destroyed me. I remember the night I finally decided I'd had enough. We had €125 to last till payday - 2 weeks away - he knew this. He insisted on going out after a match. He would have 'one drink'. I was 'controlling' to stop him. He spent every penny. And I finally told him to leave.

I'm not saying your husband is abusive. But this behaviour, of accumulating debt, and refusing or being unable to tell you where it's gone, rings so many alarm bells.

Although you've 'solved' the problem for now, it's not really fixed until he properly addresses it, is honest & commits to change in himself.

Otherwise at some point it will happen again. When there is some vulnerability, some opportunity.

And without trust, there's no relationship at all.

Good luck 💐

Thank you for your post. I recognise both of my marriages in what you've written. My current DH has previously been very generous, on chatting to his mum I think this is learned behaviour from his Dad. His dad is a very high earner but they've repeatedly consolidated debts. My first marriage ended when my ex chose to spend our final £10 on alcohol. I'm sorry that you spent years trying to fix things but we're unsuccessful, I hope things are easier now. Thank you for your candour

can you see the irony of breaking someone's trust to help yourself when you are upset at your hubby for breaking your trust?
If trust is an important quality to you - stay true to yourself - you may need m'n'laws friendship in the future and if you break her trust you will lose this. I am sorry you know what you need to do re your hubby.

@Hoppinggreen

I ran up that much secret debt without gambling so it’s entirely possible. 4 or 5 credit cards with high interest rates and the odd loan and there you go so don’t assume that (other than the debt) he’s up to anything

This is interesting, thank you. I hope you're in a better position now

Thank you
Totally debt free for years now and thankfully our marriage survived

Whether he gambled, drank it, took drugs or gave it to the children’s orphanage is not really the point though.
The basic lack of honesty, the shifty avoidance of questions and of not letting you see the paperwork means he hasn’t learnt anything from this episode and you cannot trust him not to do it again and again. He does not view you as a partnership and has instead accepted the role of ‘child with pocket money’ which does not address the fundamental issues for either of you

And what sort of a relationship can it be without trust or steps in place to actually improve the core problem?

Is that your credit report. His would take years to get back into good scores

I would divorce if only to separate from him financially, even if you stay together. You can't trust him with your financial future.

@ undisclosedlocation All very true

@HalzTangz yes that's mine, I'm going to ask him to check his today and give me his login details

NC as wouldn’t want to write this for anyone who knows me in real life to see.

I have been in a similar position over the last probably 10 years if I’m truly honest but I was the one racking up debt without my DH knowing. It added up to a LOT (I still don’t know the full figures). To the point we lost our house and last year our car (we did manage to get this back).

None of it was intentional, spent years robbing Peter to pay Paul. Thinking things were ok, then missing one payment to a debt and just being unable to get back on track.

We both have ok salaries, on paper should be doing ok. Husband didn’t really have a clue what was going on as I’d always managed (or not as it ended up being) the finances. You get in so deep you can’t even begin to explain how it’s got so bad. I wasn’t ever gambling or spending money on me. Just living and trying to keep us a float.

Last year when it all came to a head, we moved accounts to Monzo so he could see everything coming in and out, he keeps the bulk of the money now. We can both see the joint account for bills, he sends me enough money for the food shop and petrol. It may seem controlling but it’s so much better that he can see exactly where money goes, I don’t have to explain we can’t afford a takeaway etc he knows that now.

OP - I just wanted to say I’ve seen it the other side, it really might not be gambling.

What would you gain by disclosing this?

He's lied before, that's enough. Proving he's lied again isn't going to change the truth; you're married to a liar and likely a gambling addict.

Personally I could never stay with a gambler. Or any addict tbh. Because there's too much risk of them bringing shit to your door. It's likely one day in the future you'll be left picking up the pieces again.

I would put this aside. And have a serious think about what you want in the future. If he can't even be honest, and hasn't admitted what he's spent it on, then how can he assure you he won't do it again?

@CuppaTeaNeeded

NC as wouldn’t want to write this for anyone who knows me in real life to see.

I have been in a similar position over the last probably 10 years if I’m truly honest but I was the one racking up debt without my DH knowing. It added up to a LOT (I still don’t know the full figures). To the point we lost our house and last year our car (we did manage to get this back).

None of it was intentional, spent years robbing Peter to pay Paul. Thinking things were ok, then missing one payment to a debt and just being unable to get back on track.

We both have ok salaries, on paper should be doing ok. Husband didn’t really have a clue what was going on as I’d always managed (or not as it ended up being) the finances. You get in so deep you can’t even begin to explain how it’s got so bad. I wasn’t ever gambling or spending money on me. Just living and trying to keep us a float.

Last year when it all came to a head, we moved accounts to Monzo so he could see everything coming in and out, he keeps the bulk of the money now. We can both see the joint account for bills, he sends me enough money for the food shop and petrol. It may seem controlling but it’s so much better that he can see exactly where money goes, I don’t have to explain we can’t afford a takeaway etc he knows that now.

OP - I just wanted to say I’ve seen it the other side, it really might not be gambling.

I struggle to see how you can get in a LOT of debt and not know what on?

If it wasn't on yourself or gambling, what was it on?

If you want to change you have to own the issue. Look back at statements and find out what it was on. Confront the issue. Don't just move on with lots of "I don't know how it happened" talk. Find out. Change it.

This is probably worse than you realise.

Get all the info on the table. Everything. Ask him to tell you every single thing. Do not mention what his mother told you but do ask him if he borrowed from any friend or family.

You must get all the information or you will never have a minutes peace again worrying if he is landing you in debt again. If he is gambling then that has to stop right now too.

Get help with this and take control of all the money from now on, because if you are going to stay you have to be tough.

wow, you found out he's run up £50k of debt and you're
a) still with him
b) having to guess what he spent it on
I'm gobsmacked - even without the added £5-10K