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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband worked through birthday weekend

86 replies

Goneblank38 · 16/08/2021 13:50

I'm completely exhausted and could use some perspective on this.

I'm fed up with the toll my husband's job has on our life. So, he had a project due today. He's worked through the weekend, pulled an all nighter Sunday and collapsed asleep Monday evening. This is really frustrating given he works full-time hours, plus has time on evenings and weekends.

I'm exhausted from looking after a three month old on sleep strike and an attention deprived two year old. I'm barely sleeping and feel broken. He was meant to take over with baby but has fallen asleep and I can't get him up.

His ability to withdraw from family life and focus on work whenever he needs has made me resentful and angry. The house is a tip because he's stopped helping to focus on work and the kids have been all over me.

It was also my birthday this weekend. We don't usually do much for birthdays, which doesn't bother me, but I didn't even get to sit down to eat breakfast because I had to pop baby in sling to settle them.

I just wish he'd leave this industry and get some work life balance. This isn't a sustainable way for a forty something father to work.

So...YABU: it was just a bad weekend, get over it.

YANBU: It was unfair of him to take so much time to himself given he also has evenings and time on weekend to work. He needs to plan better.

OP posts:

gardeninggirl68 · 16/08/2021 13:53

is he the only one bringing in an income just now?

greyinganddecaying · 16/08/2021 13:54

YANBU - has he always worked these hours? Has it changed since you had children?

Either way it's hardly a partnership or family if he doesn't make the effort to contribute.

StCharlotte · 16/08/2021 13:55

On the face of it YANBU but it depends - is he overloaded with work or is it down to his bad time management that it all got left to the last minute? Or is it the nature of the job that he gets sudden deadlines? Etc etc.

But I feel for you and happy birthday

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/08/2021 13:55

Either way it's hardly a partnership or family if he doesn't make the effort to contribute

It sounds like he is the only one working, how is that not contributing?.

Original poster

Goneblank38 · 16/08/2021 13:57

Hiya, thanks for reply.

He is the primary earner at the moment because I'm on mat leave.

When we married he was a post-grad student. I'd say hours gave increased since children came along because he's anxious about remaining in industry. It's very competitive, full of short term contracts and hard to sustain career without securing funding.

OP posts:

Paulinna · 16/08/2021 13:58

If he’s the only wage earner then YABU. You don’t like him working long hours but you’re presumably happy to spend the money he earns. Would you be happy for him to quit and get a more balanced job if it halved his salary? Because that’s very likely.

You also have to consider that maybe he purposely chooses to work long hours so he doesn’t have to look after the children. Did he want children?

Original poster

Goneblank38 · 16/08/2021 13:58

I suspect bad time management...

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 16/08/2021 13:59

My dh is a copper and for 8yrs I was a sahm. He was our sole provider during that time and he has been at home for precisely zero birthdays and one Christmas since we had the dc. He has missed all sorts, including being called away at short notice and being gone for days. At one point, he had to go to the ME for 6 months.

I do sympathise. Honestly. It's tough. But in our case, it's dh's job, he enjoys it and we knew how it would be. Does he like his job? Can you get support from elsewhere? What's it like when a big piece of work isn't due?

WorraLiberty · 16/08/2021 14:00

It sounds like you're both exhausted to be honest.

greyinganddecaying · 16/08/2021 14:01

Have you discussed how unsustainable these hours are? It's one thing to work flat out in the knowledge that it's a one off/he'll get some decent time off after, but another if there's no end in sight.

If it carries on it has the potential to have a detrimental impact on the kids and is already having an impact on you.

AdriannaP · 16/08/2021 14:01

As he is the sole earner YABU - he also has the pressure of providing for you all. Do you think he wanted to work the whole weekend or rather spend the weekend relaxing with yiu?

Original poster

Goneblank38 · 16/08/2021 14:01

Hi Paulina,

Children very much wanted, thanks.

I'm also not frittering away his money. I work too though currently on mat leave. He would actually earn more if shifted industries. It'd be a very achievable move but probably give him less control over his work.

OP posts:

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 14:06

I can vote because I can see both sides and think compromise is needed on his part.

When I became the sole earner, I was absolutely terrified of missing a call, deadline, email. I never even silenced my work phone. This was because dp got made redundant early March 2020.

I was wfh. I was hybrid before but travelled around the UK a couple of times a week, but my company stopped the visiting other offices early March.

Dp gently pointed out I was travelling less but with him and the kids less. I found myself working from 3am to 8pm once and then fell asleep. It was honestly, so stressful. Dp then told me more firmly, I was making myself ill after he found me in my office in tears.

After some conversations with my MD, who was supportive of me just working my hours, I relaxed and did less.

It was selfish of me (my kids are older though), it made me poorly and made us miserable. I wasn't purposely opting out if family life. I was scared stiff, that's all I could think about.

I had to listen and had to change.

I do get his point of view. But also completely agree with you. He needs to take time out, work more reasonable hours apart from emergencies and be with you and the kids more.

Hekatestorch · 16/08/2021 14:10

If he’s the only wage earner then YABU. You don’t like him working long hours but you’re presumably happy to spend the money he earns.

Ops baby is 3 months old! Both of them had a baby. Both of them knew he would be sole earner, for a bit. Both planned to be parents again.

LadyCatStark · 16/08/2021 14:13

It’s not time to himself though is it? It’s work!

Oogachuckachopsy · 16/08/2021 14:14

@Paulinna

You also have to consider that maybe he purposely chooses to work long hours so he doesn’t have to look after the children. Did he want children?

JFC…

Annasgirl · 16/08/2021 14:18

Can no-one on MN read????

The OP is on MATERNITY LEAVE - therefore, she has a job, he is not the sole earner. (Even if he was he is not supporting his wife with 2 very young DC, but that is a conversation for another thread)

OP, YANBU. I think you need to get some time when both of you are less tired and sit down and be honest that this is not any way to live as a family. Your DH has options - it seems that he does not want to take the options which make life better for you and the DC.

You need to be truthful that resentment is building and there needs to be a change. How will he cope when you go back to work and you both have to share parenting (he should be sharing now, but apparently all the martyrs on this site think that mother on maternity leave should do it all )

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 14:18

He must be stressed as anything

and you are both as tired as each other.

Neither of you has choices right now, so don't be unfair. You have no choice but looking after your children, he has no choice but working to support his family with a newborn, a wife on maternity leave and a toddler. There are very real warning signs over the economy crashing down. It's hardly the moment to take time off.

Having a discussion, not an argument, over changing the industry and BOTH having a better work/life balance is a good idea, but you won't be able to do that when he's in the middle of a project and working ridiculous hours, with a 3 months old in the house!

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 14:20

Annasgirl
Can no-one on MN read????

The OP is on MATERNITY LEAVE - therefore, she has a job, he is not the sole earner.

You do realise what women earn on maternity leave in this country, do you... If the OP wants to take a year, and why shouldn't she, that's 9 more months.

GoodForTheSoul · 16/08/2021 14:20

You've said he'd be better off changing jobs both from the work life balance and financial perspective. So why doesn't he?

isthisareverse · 16/08/2021 14:21

martyrs on this site think that mother on maternity leave should do it all.

do you expect both parents to take parental leave at the same time to share the childcare? Don't be so ridiculous.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 16/08/2021 14:22

That was shit for you on your birthday weekend and he should have done everything possible to avoid that. Did he acknowledge your birthday at all?

I would want things to change long term, but I'd start with saying you want him to take this weekend off completely from work and have the weekend you should have had just gone. It's not ok for you to just soak that up.

Frustrated1234 · 16/08/2021 14:23

I feel for you. I put up with this sh1te for over 4 years. My advice would be to address it now. It doesn’t get any better, as the long hours become normalised. Then you’ll get the ‘see- this week was much better’ because he ‘only’ worked all of sat and had most of Sunday free.

HollaHolla · 16/08/2021 14:25

I suspect he may possibly be in academia? If so, I’m sad to say that this is often the case. If not, I do understand, as no matter the sector, it’s similar in my field. It’s awful that the expectation is that you work ridiculous hours, for not great recompense, and shorty job security. Is it a passion, or is it time to move industries?

notanothertakeaway · 16/08/2021 14:27

I suppose it rather depends on the nature of his job eg corporate lawyer in the City, I suspect all nighters are required from time to time, and that's reflected in the high salary. But for most of us, those hours are not expected. And it's not a healthy lifestyle anyway, regardless of salary

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