Husband worked through birthday weekend

[Goneblank38]

I'm completely exhausted and could use some perspective on this.

I'm fed up with the toll my husband's job has on our life. So, he had a project due today. He's worked through the weekend, pulled an all nighter Sunday and collapsed asleep Monday evening. This is really frustrating given he works full-time hours, plus has time on evenings and weekends.

I'm exhausted from looking after a three month old on sleep strike and an attention deprived two year old. I'm barely sleeping and feel broken. He was meant to take over with baby but has fallen asleep and I can't get him up.

His ability to withdraw from family life and focus on work whenever he needs has made me resentful and angry. The house is a tip because he's stopped helping to focus on work and the kids have been all over me.

It was also my birthday this weekend. We don't usually do much for birthdays, which doesn't bother me, but I didn't even get to sit down to eat breakfast because I had to pop baby in sling to settle them.

I just wish he'd leave this industry and get some work life balance. This isn't a sustainable way for a forty something father to work.

So...YABU: it was just a bad weekend, get over it.

YANBU: It was unfair of him to take so much time to himself given he also has evenings and time on weekend to work. He needs to plan better.

You lot are willing to take way too much shit from your employers if you think that working constantly through the weekend and night is acceptable at any time

Some industries are like that. You have to decide if it’s worth it for you (and your family). If it’s not, fine, leave.

@girlmom21

You lot are willing to take way too much shit from your employers if you think that working constantly through the weekend and night is acceptable at any time - especially when you have a 3 month old baby.

Obviously there are some exceptions - but they're the kind of jobs you know you need to commit your life to.

I don't have an employer so I don't "take too much shit" from anyone, actually.

But I'm also not so naive as to think that most jobs are done in set hours with zero overtime. Numerous jobs are salaried and involve working whatever hours are necessary in order to meet the deadlines set.

But those jobs generally also involve lots of other benefits - TOIL, long holidays, good pay, an excellent pension scheme, in-house training, paid sick leave, etc.

Also, the fact that OP's husband has a young baby isn't the employers' problem, frankly.

I had to have a conversation with my husband about him being fully present when he wasn’t working - so even if it was for 45 minutes a night and then he needed to race back to work he was there without getting distracted by bleeps on his phone. I think my favourite was when he was asked to speak at a conference while we were on our honeymoon and the suggestion was we change our honeymoon destination.

Everyone’s situation is unique, but what I would advise is that no major decisions regarding careers, house moves, separations and more children be attempted whilst you are both highly stressed and exhausted.

We went through a hell of difficult time when our children were toddlers and babies. We always said that if we could get through two years of hell of having initially 3 under 4, then we’d be able to see the wood for the trees and sort ourselves out.

You just need to see it through to the other side And hopefully be stronger as a couple for it. Boy we had some whopping arguments, called each other all sorts, but by end of each day we let it all slide. We were both exhausted. We just took it out on each other as we had no way of venting the pressure. In your situation I should imagine I would’ve ranted about how crap my birthday was and DH how unreasonable I was considering he was providing the majority of the money to feed us. Really we were just ranting at the situation.

Ultimately neither of you are being unreasonable, life is just hard for you both right now.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

YABVU

Would you rather he lay about at home on the dole?

Kids grow up and will stop being so needy, you can then get a job to enable him to do less.
Off you go, get applying.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Its not one or the other... You don't have to chose between being on the dole or over working. Which one are you then?

He is in academia
Oh that makes sense then! In academia you get paid a pittance for working all the hours god sends, contracts are short and you’re constantly competing for the next few crumbs of funding. It’s a labour of love and a vocation, and not at all compatible with having a normal life such as living permanently in one place, having a life outside work, paying a mortgage or looking after kids. A large proportion of academics choose not to have kids.

Unfortunately OP I think you’ll find this level of workload is required by the job and the only choice he has is to quit and work in a different sector. Which is easier said than done because academia is like a cult that sucks you in and eats you up. If he was getting paid a high salary for stupidly long hours then my answer might be different. But he’s basically indulging himself at everyone else’s expense and he needs to quit and get a normal job that’s compatible with a normal life.

I just knew he worked in academia! I don't know what the answer is. I'm a bit further down the road to you. But I've tried to set boundaries that ensure some family life. DH has been WFH which has made such a big difference to family life. I can't bear the thought of DH going back to the office as it will impact on family life so much.

I'm encouraging my DH to look at other job options when he's less exhausted but it's tough getting him to think about leaving academia. For me leaving is the only answer, it's a horrible profession in so many ways.

I won't vote, as neither of you ABU.
You are both exhausted, and it is tough when you have a baby and a toddler, and it is tough in academia on short term contracts.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and come out the other side, but there absolutely were times when either one of us could have walked away if it weren't for the fact we had no energy and no money to find two homes.
Sending you . It is a difficult time, but you will come through this together. Keep repeating "It is only a phase", as it really is.

I definitely understand, this has been me so so so many times. It still is sometimes. But my children are older now (pre teens) so less reliant on me, and tbh, the hard work finally paid off and now we have lots of money. Which is very nice.
I guess it depends how much his job is worth it? I mean - does it, or will it, pay a lot? Because children only get more expensive, but less intense, so it might all be worth it and waaaay more bearable in years to come.
You have a job, so this isn’t relevant, but it slightly irritating when people say that you should get a job and enable him to have an easier more balanced role. It just doesn’t work like that. My job earned around 10% of what my dH does! Whatever I do has pretty much no bearing on our family income and what my DH can do. Also - what he wants. My DH didn’t have any desire to rock up home at 6pm everyday and have a job where you could just clock off on a Friday. He likes to be in the thick of it, being important or whatever, even if it means missing out on bath time!

But I'm also not so naive as to think that most jobs are done in set hours with zero overtime. Numerous jobs are salaried and involve working whatever hours are necessary in order to meet the deadlines set.

They would be if people refused to put up with the shite working conditions. Some overtime is fine - but working yourself and your family into the ground for a job that would replace you in a week isnt.

No, it's not his employers problem that he has a young baby. It's his problem. He needs to balance both.

academia is like a cult that sucks you in and eats you up.

True

They would be if people refused to put up with the shite working conditions. Some overtime is fine - but working yourself and your family into the ground for a job that would replace you in a week isnt.

I agree, but OP doesn't say that that's what's going on at all.

It was one weekend.

@isthisareverse

He must be stressed as anything

and you are both as tired as each other.

Neither of you has choices right now, so don't be unfair. You have no choice but looking after your children, he has no choice but working to support his family with a newborn, a wife on maternity leave and a toddler. There are very real warning signs over the economy crashing down. It's hardly the moment to take time off.

Having a discussion, not an argument, over changing the industry and BOTH having a better work/life balance is a good idea, but you won't be able to do that when he's in the middle of a project and working ridiculous hours, with a 3 months old in the house!

^This You’re both exhausted and stressed. Money must be less as you are on maternity leave, so he has to ensure he keeps his job. Time spent working is not “time to himself”. Sounds like neither of you are getting any of that!

@icedcoffees she also said she's fed up of his work taking a toll on their family and that if he changed industries they'd have a better work-life balance.

I'm just bothered by the people who are saying she should basically be grateful he's earning money and 'supporting their family' because you can guarantee if he prioritises work over family life when she's on mat leave he'll continue to do so when she's back at work, as it sounds like this is an ongoing issue for them.

Ah, I thought academia from your first post. Dh used to be an academic but fell out of it after his sixth or seventh short term contract. Even though it's been some time now, it's still slightly odd and lovely having him around in the evenings and weekends, and I don't take it for granted.

Sadly it's standard - the stress on young academics is absurd. It's especially hard on any woman who wants to try it while having a family.

Personally I think that academia is a Ponzi scheme and one which is long overdue a collapse.

[quote girlmom21]@icedcoffees she also said she's fed up of his work taking a toll on their family and that if he changed industries they'd have a better work-life balance.

I'm just bothered by the people who are saying she should basically be grateful he's earning money and 'supporting their family' because you can guarantee if he prioritises work over family life when she's on mat leave he'll continue to do so when she's back at work, as it sounds like this is an ongoing issue for them.
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But will changing industries cause other issues? It's not clear.

It sounds to me like they're both tired/pissed off after a long weekend of work and childcare - it's not the time to make permanent decisions about careers.

It sounds to me like they're both tired/pissed off after a long weekend of work and childcare - it's not the time to make permanent decisions about careers.

100% agree. Hopefully they can take some time to relax now that he's met his deadline.

I knew this was going to be academia. If I had my time over, I would never go into it, or be in a relationship with someone who is. I wish I could say it will get better as your career progresses, but the workload gets worse every year and your responsibilities proliferate as you become more senior. The person who said it is like a cult is exactly right.

Is he a postdoc? He needs to have a chat with someone more senior in his department (though not too old as they won't get it) about his realistic prospects for getting a longer term contract. The Royal Society did an interesting / terrifying report a few years ago about the very small fraction of postdocs who actually do make it onto a permanent contract. The job in industry you mention might be the realistic best option. It'll depend on field.

In any case, you can pass on, from one accademic to another: being completely absent your birthday weekend was a fail, he needs to plan better.

www.ted.com/talks/karen_kelsky_academia_is_a_cult/

This is very helpful in explaining the issues with academia to someone who’s not involved in it. Your self worth and identity comes to depend on academic achievement, even when you’re struggling in poverty and the workload is crushing your family. Leaving is framed as failure and you’ll be rejected and never spoken to again. You keep thinking if you just struggle for a bit longer and work a bit harder you’ll succeed - but very few people actually do.

In any case, you can pass on, from one accademic to another: being completely absent your birthday weekend was a fail, he needs to plan better.

Yes, despite my whinge about academia, I agree with this. Deadlines don’t often get sprung on you suddenly; projects are long-term things and it is quite possible to plan around loved ones’ birthdays.

My DH won't switch off, ever. He just goes through a cycle of intense work, burnout, lingering anxiety x100. I've genuinely given up trying to help him because he won't hear it from me, his family or even his therapist.

It sounds like bad time management to me,he should be able to get work and projects done in work hours.

You need to discuss this with him and work out ways to help him manage the time.

What I do is sort my diary at the beginning of the week. I make a list of what needs doing an how long it wil take, then block out the equivalent time for each task in my calendar. I then get prompts to do X y z task, or a b c project.
I do have to stick to this and not get side tracked with long coffee breaks or idle chit chat (especially when deadlines are looming)

I can sympathise OP because it must be difficult with a 3 month old a 2 year old. Unfortunately, I have a few friends in academia and the workload is insane. Not saying it should be that way but unfortunately, it seems it is.

That said, I teach secondary in a leadership position and the half term after Easter, I know I worked hideous hours because of TAGs. I wouldn't like to count how many. I know I didn't have as much time for DS and DH and I do feel guilty but it had to be done the positive for me is that at least I have the school holidays.

A couple of thoughts/suggestions (and apologies if you have already thought of this!).

Can you afford some help with the cleaning to take the load off? If you can't afford a professional, do you have any family or friends who would be willing to help you?

Can you, baby and 2 year old get out each day so that the toddler is amused? Just a walk to the play park so they can run around, then home for lunch and hopefully a quiet afternoon. I know you will be tired with the baby but getting out might help you to feel a bit better.

I don't know what you do for meals but massively lower your standards. Soup, beans on toast etc. Are fine a few times a week. If it's fine, can toddler eat their lunch in the garden as a picnic? Means that any mess isn't inside!

You may have to accept mess for a few weeks while baby is still so young. As long as everyone is fed and washed, everything else can wait for now.

It sounds like bad time management to me,he should be able to get work and projects done in work hours
In academia it’s normal for your “work hours” to be 7 days a week including evenings and weekends. I quit academia after a four week period where my workload was so heavy that the only way to complete it was to work 20 hours a day 7 days a week. Then I collapsed.