Husband worked through birthday weekend

[Goneblank38]

I'm completely exhausted and could use some perspective on this.

I'm fed up with the toll my husband's job has on our life. So, he had a project due today. He's worked through the weekend, pulled an all nighter Sunday and collapsed asleep Monday evening. This is really frustrating given he works full-time hours, plus has time on evenings and weekends.

I'm exhausted from looking after a three month old on sleep strike and an attention deprived two year old. I'm barely sleeping and feel broken. He was meant to take over with baby but has fallen asleep and I can't get him up.

His ability to withdraw from family life and focus on work whenever he needs has made me resentful and angry. The house is a tip because he's stopped helping to focus on work and the kids have been all over me.

It was also my birthday this weekend. We don't usually do much for birthdays, which doesn't bother me, but I didn't even get to sit down to eat breakfast because I had to pop baby in sling to settle them.

I just wish he'd leave this industry and get some work life balance. This isn't a sustainable way for a forty something father to work.

So...YABU: it was just a bad weekend, get over it.

YANBU: It was unfair of him to take so much time to himself given he also has evenings and time on weekend to work. He needs to plan better.

Not police but my husband works in a ‘vocational’ job and I knew that was what I was signing up for. Is your husband in science? Because it’s helluva tough out there right now. A couple of friends have moved from research to industry because they needed to but it’s a really, really hard thing to do.

Hard emotionally I mean.

Is this every weekend or was this weekend unusual due to a deadline?

YABVU

Would you rather he lay about at home on the dole?

Kids grow up and will stop being so needy, you can then get a job to enable him to do less.
Off you go, get applying.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for (most of) the replies. I think the budding consensus that we're both knackered and need to rest then talk things through is wise. My hope is that he uses the time during week and evenings better so we don't have these sorts of blowouts on the weekend.

He is in academia, and I think moving into industry would be tough emotionally, as Slothkin said. Though it sounds irrational given the improvement in conditions it would bring, I think he'd feel he'd failed in some way.

It sounds like it was a bit of bad timing all-round, rather than one person's fault.

You're tired because the baby isn't sleeping and you have an older child to entertain, but he has a deadline that can't be missed which means putting in long hours at work.

I would put it down to bad timing all round and arrange to celebrate your birthday another day (maybe this weekend if possible)? See if someone can have the children or, if not, treat yourselves to your favourite takeaway and a nice bottle of wine and have a date night at home.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

YABVU

Would you rather he lay about at home on the dole?

Kids grow up and will stop being so needy, you can then get a job to enable him to do less.
Off you go, get applying.

Op is on Mat leave. Which means she has a job.

And why does it have to 'work all hours ruin your health and spend not time with the family' or 'lay about on the dole'.

Complete opposite ends of the scale with tons of variations in between. You do t have to be one extreme of the other

@chocolateorangeinhaler

YABVU

Would you rather he lay about at home on the dole?

Kids grow up and will stop being so needy, you can then get a job to enable him to do less.
Off you go, get applying.

Did you even bother to read OP's post?

She has a job

@Paulinna

If he’s the only wage earner then YABU. You don’t like him working long hours but you’re presumably happy to spend the money he earns. Would you be happy for him to quit and get a more balanced job if it halved his salary? Because that’s very likely.

You also have to consider that maybe he purposely chooses to work long hours so he doesn’t have to look after the children. Did he want children?

You do realise that mother’s in ML have some income of their own dont you??

The DH might be the main earner atm but it’s doesn’t mean that either the OP is using that money/frittering it away or should
simply be grateful that THE man of the house is working hard for HER (Clue: he isn’t working for her. He is working away for himself -esp in academia- and the FAMILY, aka the two kids HE has fathered)

I can't believe how many people are saying YABU because he's earning.

Guaranteed he's not getting paid for every single hour that he's working and, even if he was, you have young children and he's a father too.

Have a conversation with him. If he's now met the deadline there should be more family time and you need to work together to avoid you both burning out.

I don't think it's as clear cut as one of you is right, one is wrong. If this is what it takes for him to work and achieve things in his career, I can sympathise. BUT.... I'd argue it's not particularly healthy and when you do o back to work the resentment will actually be even worse because you'll then be working AND be managing all everything else (because I'm assuming that if a child has to be picked up from nursery, it won't be him doing it on this basis?).

It also sounds like you suspect there are some issues with the way he works vs the reality of what is truly needed. And on that, I can 100% empathise. DH was in a situation like this before he became a SAHD - working much longer hours than he should because his organisation and time management skills are weak. He works part time now and it's a standing "joke" (I don't always find it funny) that he works 15 minutes away but from when he officially finishes to getting home can take longer than it takes me to get back from meeting a client in the City.... I don't have any brilliant suggestions for fixing that but would say that getting your DH to acknowledge it is the first step.

You need to have a proper talk. Is there anyone who would mind children for a few hours.
Options are him cutting back at work and being more present or you getting more help in - can toddler go to playgroup/nursery. Mother’s help for a few hours. Is cutting back an option or will he need a new job? Is parental leave an option? You go back in a few months and he has a few months with children. Is he working as he’s stressed re job security/redundancy. You need to be honest with each other.

YABVU

Would you rather he lay about at home on the dole?
Kids grow up and will stop being so needy, you can then get a job to enable him to do less.
Off you go, get applying

Applying for what? She has a job, she’s on maternity leave.

Why are the expectations working all hours under the sun and having no part of family life or laying around on the dole. Wanting a happy balance isn’t unreasonable.

Some very odd responses on here.

OP is on mat leave, so he generally isn’t sole earner and quite possibly isn’t even sole earner (or main earner) now depending on her work’s mat policy.

My wife is currently on mat leave and I work FT (in a much, much higher paid job). Doesn’t mean I get to tap out of family life. I do the night feeds, cook all our dinners, share equally at weekends. Because we both chose to have a baby. You don’t get to tap out of being a parent (or a decent partner) because you have a job! Doing absolutely nothing for your birthday is awful, unless he has asked to be able to celebrate it next weekend or similar.

That said, the life of an academic is insane. How hard they work (literally feels like 24/7) for what they are paid is totally unfair. I think the question for your family OP is whether this level of work has an end date. If it’s 6 more months so he can establish himself, and then it becomes more manageable, that’s one thing. If it is like this indefinitely that’s another. I suspect you need to have a very honest discussion about this and he needs to make career decisions based on that. I’ve lived through similar and it destroys family life if it isn’t controlled.

chocolateorangeinhaler
She has a job!!

Suggest you get applying for adult education courses in English as you clearly can't read..

I can't believe how many people are saying YABU because he's earning.

because it's relevant

If he was spending all hours doing his hobby, cycling around Europe or other, and too exhausted to be involved with family, it would be different.

In countries not far from us, most mums start to return to work when the baby is 3 months. Deciding to stay on maternity leave is a perfectly valid choice, but it does put pressure on the other to keep their job.

I think it was a shame that your birthday coincided with him having a project due. If when things at work aren't as hectic he's more of a partner in taking care of the children and the household, then you are being unreasonable. It was just bad timing. But if he's always this way and the work project was an excuse, then you have bigger issues.

But I'm sure he feels a lot of pressure to be successful in his work as he is the only one working right now. You could choose to go back to work rather than taking a long maternity leave if the balance feels off.

I wondered if he was in academia from the description, and it does sound tough. My OH is a research scientist and works in industry. He has done for most of his career since the funding situation in academia just made it too tough to get a mortgage. I would say he still works long hours and often in the evening and at weekend, but not the whole time. He also says he enjoys his job which is why he works a lot. It tends to be a bit more under his control, and the job security makes life a lot less stressful. He had started to take his work ipad on holiday so I booked a cabin without any wifi this time (I know his manager doesn't expect him to work on holiday). I think short contracts / funding is so hard on the workers and their families. I hope a compromise can be found so he can enjoy his work and find it rewarding, but have some more family time. Good luck OP.

I think it's impossible to say whether YABU or not, without more info:

(i) is he a high-earner, such that his hard work is going to make you mortgage-free and financially secure in a few years' time

(ii) could he walk into another sufficiently-paid job tomorrow? Or does he have to put in this kind of slog just to keep a roof over your heads?

(iii) did you know this was what he did when you met, or has his approach to work changed since you've known him?

@isthisareverse

I can't believe how many people are saying YABU because he's earning.

because it's relevant

If he was spending all hours doing his hobby, cycling around Europe or other, and too exhausted to be involved with family, it would be different.

In countries not far from us, most mums start to return to work when the baby is 3 months. Deciding to stay on maternity leave is a perfectly valid choice, but it does put pressure on the other to keep their job.

It's not relevant though is it. He's not getting paid to work through all weekends and nights.

Even if he was, unless they've agreed that their family dynamic works in that way, its not fair on her to have to do 24/7 childcare.

Being the 'higher earner' in some households means they'll be mortgage free in 3 years. In others it means he's earning £22k and she's on £18k. If he's ruining their home life for a fairly low wage, that's not exactly fair, is it? You're all just assuming she's a freeloader and he's minted.

It's not relevant though is it. He's not getting paid to work through all weekends and nights.

But she never said that's what he was doing, just that he happened to be working all weekend over her birthday - nowhere does she say that's the norm.

Many jobs out there involve pulling the occasional all-nighter or working all weekend. It sucks, but employees are often compensated in other ways - TOIL, long holidays, good pay etc.

It's not relevant though is it. He's not getting paid to work through all weekends and nights.

That's a very naive view girlmom21
Many jobs give you a deadline or a project, the hours and over-time required to complete them are irrelevant. It's not about being paid per hour.

No one is assuming the OP is a freeloader, you have decided that her DH is taking the piss because you confuse working and hobbies.

you seem to think the DH has decided to work an entire weekend for the fun of it and to avoid spending time with his kids.

You lot are willing to take way too much shit from your employers if you think that working constantly through the weekend and night is acceptable at any time - especially when you have a 3 month old baby.

Obviously there are some exceptions - but they're the kind of jobs you know you need to commit your life to.

Fairly standard for academia unfortunately.

The wider context is important.

Is he working towards a particular promotion or publication? Will things get better? Or does he see his life like this for the foreseeable?

Are there opportunities in industry? Would that be a better balance?

Bear in mind you’re both tired and stressed. It’s disappointing about your birthday, but workloads in academia are notoriously high. You need to figure out a better balance in the long term.

I think YABU but I can sympathise!!!
Is there any leeway to buy in some extra help? Perhaps a cleaner if you don't already have one. When you have kids that age both partners have to be a kind and as patient as they can with one another. It's difficult and tiring! It will get easier. His job will get easier as he gets into it and The kids will get easier as they get older. You all need to hang on in there.
I think the birthday thing is a bit daft -'if you normally don't do anything much for birthdays then it's unfair to have expected him to know that you wanted more than usual.

Good luck. I hope things improve soon