Husband worked through birthday weekend

[Goneblank38]

I'm completely exhausted and could use some perspective on this.

I'm fed up with the toll my husband's job has on our life. So, he had a project due today. He's worked through the weekend, pulled an all nighter Sunday and collapsed asleep Monday evening. This is really frustrating given he works full-time hours, plus has time on evenings and weekends.

I'm exhausted from looking after a three month old on sleep strike and an attention deprived two year old. I'm barely sleeping and feel broken. He was meant to take over with baby but has fallen asleep and I can't get him up.

His ability to withdraw from family life and focus on work whenever he needs has made me resentful and angry. The house is a tip because he's stopped helping to focus on work and the kids have been all over me.

It was also my birthday this weekend. We don't usually do much for birthdays, which doesn't bother me, but I didn't even get to sit down to eat breakfast because I had to pop baby in sling to settle them.

I just wish he'd leave this industry and get some work life balance. This isn't a sustainable way for a forty something father to work.

So...YABU: it was just a bad weekend, get over it.

YANBU: It was unfair of him to take so much time to himself given he also has evenings and time on weekend to work. He needs to plan better.

It sounds like bad time management to me,he should be able to get work and projects done in work hours.

Well, bully for you if your job allows you to do that.
Every job doesn't.

Do you really think people would work like that if it weren't part of their job ?

I’d also say the only experience I’ve personally had of the Dad having full-time care was where the Mum was a very successful academic; it’s just not a career which works with a traditional family life, whichever parent is absent due to work

Post-divorce I mean

If there was no way out from his job and he was working really hard to put food on the table, I would have said YABU, while also acknowledging how hard it must be for you.

But that’s not the case. The OP is saying that there is an alternative for her DH that would allow more of a work life balance. It might be a difficult move for him though, but surely not as difficult as life right now? Worth discussing at the very least.

OP of course you aren’t BU. Having two young kids is hard work and when you are in a committed relationship with another adult who has also chosen to have children, it isn’t unfair to expect that they will spend time with you as a family and share some of the work that comes from being a parent - no matter what job they do. They should WANT to do that if they also wanted to have children.

I would be sad if my birthday wasn’t celebrated in some small way too. Your DH could have managed his time to at least bring you breakfast and bed and make a small fuss, even for the benefit of your toddler, but would be nice if he had considered you. An hour is all it would have needed.

@Kite22

It sounds like bad time management to me,he should be able to get work and projects done in work hours.

Well, bully for you if your job allows you to do that.
Every job doesn't.

Do you really think people would work like that if it weren't part of their job ?

Yes, some people would.

There are some people out there who would work every hour possible (and do) because they're absolutely addicted to their work.

YANBU: It was unfair of him to take so much time to himself given he also has evenings and time on weekend to work. He needs to plan better.

Well he hasn't taken time for himself has he because you also said he worked all weekend and nights to get the project done 🤷‍♀️ on what you also admit is a challenging competitive hard to sustain career??

Presumably it was a choice you made together to have children so close in age? Also presumably a choice you made together that you would take maternity leave so he has to carry the financial burden of the family?

I think you are both tired but if I was your husband I'd be pretty resentful too of you complaining about this?

OP, haven't read the whole thread, but popping on to say please assume all the 'is he the sole earner' posters are angry little men with hard-ons. Even if they're not, it'll make you feel better.

Thanks again all! I really needed to hear a range of opinion.

You've helped me realise that we need to confront how long we give academia and set some boundaries about working hours in the meantime. That's what's really underlining my resentment. If love for him to leave and rediscover his confidence in a new role. I agree with others that academia is like a war of attrition.

@Goneblank38

Thanks again all! I really needed to hear a range of opinion.

You've helped me realise that we need to confront how long we give academia and set some boundaries about working hours in the meantime. That's what's really underlining my resentment. If love for him to leave and rediscover his confidence in a new role. I agree with others that academia is like a war of attrition.

But here's the thing - a lot of my friends are academics. They have other interests, of course, but it defines them. It's their reason for being. And the world's a better place for that.

Clearly, if he's working the kinds of hours you describe, regularly, then that's unhealthy, and something needs to change (and I'd add that this isn't my friends' universal experience). But if you force him to give up something that he sees as his utter vocation and place in the world, you risk ripping the guts out of him.

I think one important thing is this - was he an academic when you met him (such that you presumably roughly knew what was involved when you decided to procreate) or is this something he came to later in life?

What industry would be more relaxed than academia? More money- yes, but usually not less stress.

I actually changed from private practice to academia because I was working insane hours like your husband. But I’m in the legal sector, so it may be different in your husband’s industry

This useful post contains the royal society figure I was referring to:
occamstypewriter.org/athenedonald/2014/02/08/thinking-about-the-pipeline/
Not one to rub his nose in while he's tired and fraught. But may contain useful info (also in the linked report) for when you can both stand to calmly discuss it. NB I am not saying its hopeless, he may well make it. But these awful stats really should be made clearer to people whom the postdoc system sometimes effectively exploits.