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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed of with friend quizing my child on reading ability?

38 replies

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 00:58

DS went to tea at a friends tonight and came home very upset as he discovered that he is on a lower reading level than his friend. On closer discussion, said friends mother had been quizing him on what my DS does at school. All very well, but this mother has made a serious of really foul comments about our education choice and I know is going to crow to all and sundry that aren't they silly they pay and their son isn't on this level (she has made this clear that this is her view.) That aside, my DS, who is in his school for personal reasons, is now terribly upset. Would you take her to task on this or just avoid it and them in future?

OP posts:

sarahtwobratz · 30/11/2007 01:07

How old is DS? I had this with one of my friends, I must admit I lied about DD1's abilities last year, but now she is streets ahead of 'friend' so am not bothered. Some schools take longer to get to certain levels, but then fly through certain stages. I am so glad my DD had more time at lower levels because it has meant she had a really strong foundation. How close are you to this mum?

hatwoman · 30/11/2007 01:15

I wouldn't take her to task - I would probably say something though - but pretend i didn;t know anything. "ds was quite upset when he came home...something about reading. Do you know what it was all about?"

I'd also lace my conversations generally with stuff like "these levels. I haven't got a clue what they all mean. Some parents seem to think it's really important. personally I know ds will grow up a great reader - all I care about now is that he's happy at school. and he is. very. "

ok maybe a bit more subtly than that. but I'd say stuff in that way that makes it really hard for her to disagree - basically implying that people who care about these things are loons more concerned with competition than their dcs happiness and broader development.

sarahtwobratz · 30/11/2007 01:26

Hatwoman, are they chocolate or seal point?

hatwoman · 30/11/2007 08:09

they're blue point. unfortunately one was run over not so long ago. do you have some? Daisy (the other we still have) is so lovely. she watches tv with us and when she gets bored she wonders over to the pile of games, opens up a box and plays with the counters. I adore her.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 30/11/2007 08:26

She's trying to justify to herself, her own choices. It's a shame she has to upset your ds to do it.

Original poster

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 11:07

Poor DS has got up this morning and decided he is no good at reading, tears and temper. I am so cross I could scream. But it seems I have to keep quiet especialy when asking someone else last night I get the retort well of course, she wants to know what you are paying for when her child is better at reading than yours. (Going off to scream in a corner about the sheer stupidity of it all?)

OP posts:

SpeccieSeccie · 30/11/2007 11:12

Ditzy - that's terrible. Sounds like this woman has a deep seated jealousy of you and is letting her resentment out on your DS. Do you feel like having it out with her?

Original poster

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 11:24

Not sure what to say really, I like her alot but this is too odd and weird for me. When I add up various other small remarks, eg: it would be nice if the boys stay friends when they are taking such different routes, after all it will show who is right!!! - it makes me wonder if she is a friend after all? A bit too competative I fear.

OP posts:

SpeccieSeccie · 30/11/2007 11:28

She sounds like one of those girls in the playground who would try to persuade the girl with the stunning long blond hair that she might look better with a crop. I'd avoid her. But definitely keep her out of your DS's way.

Can you say to a loose-tongued mutual friend/gossip that you are finding her competitive? The mutual friend might pass it on?

(Not really sure if that is a good idea. Just a suggestion)

Mrsslocomb · 30/11/2007 11:36

I think it depends how much you actually like her.
If you're not that bothered then I would let this 'friendship' simply slip away. Don't be proactive iykwim.

In you shoe I agree with hatwoman. I would definitely mention casually that your ds was upset about the reading.

I also agree that she sounds horribly competitive and rather insecure.

I hope you manage to steer your poor ds round soon, poor little lad

Original poster

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 11:36

I could invite her round for a cup of tea then spit in it... about the right level I think!

OP posts:

lispy · 30/11/2007 11:44

I grew up knowing a mum like this who always quizzed us on something and followed up with silence if her child was worse or gleeful gloating if hers was better. Once when I told my mum she laughed and we had a conversation about how strange some people are, wonder what she's like with her children, she's a bit of a bully etc. I still remember it as I felt better that mum was on my side (and so were most sane adults she said) and it made me laugh (silently,not in her face) the next times. When we come across people similar we describe them as being a bit of a MRS X.

foxinsocks · 30/11/2007 11:46

I'd just drop her.

Can't stand people who make snide comments. Either she has the courage to come out with it to your face or she's just not worth your effort.

slng · 30/11/2007 12:01

I like your mum lispy. I think that's the way to do it Ditzy - then you and ds can have a little conspiracy and nothing like a conspiracy for bonding. Besides he will probably meet more people like that so can probably learn to treat them with polite contempt.

I hate people who quiz children as if kids are performing monkeys.

lispy · 30/11/2007 12:03

here here. Nicely put, conspiracy for bonding!!!

foxinsocks · 30/11/2007 12:05

yes, that's a lovely way of approaching the subject with your children - and it will hopefully make ditzy's ds feel a bit better!

I'd still drop her as a mate though .

chocchipchristmascake · 30/11/2007 12:26

This whole 'level' thing is so ridiculous. I have a sixteen year old DS and the real challenge is to keep boys reading once they can read. Most don't in my experience, I don't know about girls.

I put a huge amount of effort into finding books he will like and encouraging him.

This 'level' pressure is just going to make children see reading as a chore/bore: it is so counterproductive in the long term.

Please keep it light-hearted and fun with your son, don't get caught up in this nutty woman's competition, that is the important thing.

Original poster

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 12:41

I think making a 'name' would be great, he would enjoy that, although the chances of an embarrasing backfiring moment is huge, he is only five and says some bonkers stuff! Eg last week at football to about 20 mothers - my mummy has enormous boobies!

OP posts:

prettybird · 30/11/2007 12:42

Thread hi-jack - your Siamese are beautiful. Sorry t hear one was run over. We have three: an old Cholocate Point (12), a Chocolate tabbie point (3) (bought whne old' cat's brother died 'cos of kideny failure) and a young (10 months) male blue point. He was bought to be company for middle cat, as middle cast was always trying to lapy with (and irritating) the old cat - but sod's law is that middle cat doesn't like the young cat. Youngest cat is just such a softy - he lets ds do all sorts with him!

My mum has just got a choclate tortie point to replace one of their cats who was run-off. Simese kittens are just so gorgeous!

On your OP, unless your ds is really close friends with the other boy, I'd just avoid her. if he is good friends, I'd make sure that all future playdates were at your house, so that you can be sure the other mum doesn't get a chance to pass on negativity to your ds. I woiuldn'teven bother raising it with her - I'm not sure she would even understadn what you thought the issue was, so why waste your energy?

newgirl · 30/11/2007 12:49

i think you are being a little cross

if your child had discovered he was on a higher level i bet you would have been quite pleased and would feel very different today

but i do think she was being very nosey and probably did not expect your son to report back - i can't say hand on heart that i would not have done the same - but all the same her behaviour was very naughty especially as it has now upset your son

cadelaide · 30/11/2007 12:52

chocolate?
seal point?
what are you two on about?

prettybird · 30/11/2007 12:55

caidelaide - on hatwoman's profile there are pictures of siamese cats. Chocoalte/seal/blue etc ppints are the names fro the particualr colouring of that type of siamese.

Original poster

Ditzymumofone · 30/11/2007 13:17

NG, I see your point but I really don't mind either way especially as the two schools have such radically different approaches. I don't think anyone should make these comparisons, and certainly not verbalise it in front of a child, especially when she also knows he has a real confidence issue. He was really pleased with how he is doing and as kids see it in black and white is now upset.

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 30/11/2007 13:31

How close are you as friends? - if you would like to continue the friendship then you need to speak with her about it otherwise it will continue to happen and you run the risk of upsetting ds further.

handlemecarefully · 30/11/2007 13:33

I'd send her a terse pithy email asking her to explain herself.

Wouldn't phone her as I couldn't be certain that I wouldn't get cross

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