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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to start making his own way home

103 replies

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/08/2021 16:19

DP and I both work Fulltime. We have one car, so in morning I drop him off at work then drive another 15 mins to my work.
I finish at 4 then drive 45 mins back home, take DD to sporting activity (it’s not on public transport route so she can’t get there herself) I then drive back to DP’s work and pick him up. I get back home around 6.30 then leave again at 7.15 to pick DD up.
I have been doing this 5 days a week for around 5 years. To be honest I am a bit knackered and would like to suggest that DP gets public transport home. It’s a 10 min walk from his work and it would take 20 mins. I would then pick him up at the station as it’s another 20 min walk to home.
I have suggested this before and he says he can’t understand why it should make any difference to how tired I feel as in his eyes driving the car to pick him up should not be a problem.
Can anyone think of any other alternative if they think I am being unreasonable to suggest he gets public transport.

OP posts:

MattyGroves · 15/08/2021 17:42

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

I know I am a mug but he Always has an answer, normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

What does he do for you?

FairFuming · 15/08/2021 17:46

Yeah I wouldn't be doing that for anyone. It's a horrible unreasonable thing to expect. Does he pay half the car costs or just a portion of fuel?

mynameisbrian · 15/08/2021 17:50

well you know your a mug...however you have been doing this now for 5 yrs so in his head 'whats the problem', poor wee dear needs his exercise time and you need to get on and do everything else, you need to raise your standards as your poor DD is seeing her mum being treated like this. All your doing is ensuring she will see this is normal and repeat the behaviour. We woman have an important role in how our DD grow up and view adult relationships and also how we raise our DS. We are not hear to cater for lazy blokes who have grown up thinking woman are here to pick up their dirty pants and plates

happytoday73 · 15/08/2021 17:55

Monday and Wednesday are now your exercise days... He needs to sort himself out and pick up DD. You do thur and tue.

Your DD needs to give up one day a week at sport activity

NerrSnerr · 15/08/2021 17:57

What does he do for you? Does he cook while you're picking your daughter up?

Drivingmisspotty · 15/08/2021 17:59

Oh gosh this just astounds me that as a grown adult, with a viable public transport route, he expects you to turn around and drive back to his work to collect him. I would just not have thought of doing that past the age of about 14/15 (And it’s interesting to see those who say they would think the opposite and be annoyed if they contributed to the car but had to take public transport - is taxi service included in paying the MOT then?)

normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

Well, maybe this is because he is a grown man with (presumably) working legs??? I am sure you do PLENTY for him as well as the driving eg your full time job contributing towards your home, car and lifestyle? And if your DD is doing so much sport I guess she is quite advanced and serious about it. If he supports DD pursuing the sport yet you do 5 out of 5 nights driving for it then you’ve already taken on 2.5 nights of his share of driving so he can do exercise 🤦‍♀️

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. It sounds exhausting. I think YANBU and I hope you can make him see that.

Muchmorethan · 15/08/2021 18:02

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

I know I am a mug but he Always has an answer, normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

What does he do for you?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 15/08/2021 18:02

Is your DD's activity 5x per week?

girlmom21 · 15/08/2021 18:02

Why does he think his exercise is more important than your safety on the road?

Tell him to start cycling to and from work.

Jigsawtrain · 15/08/2021 18:04

Since he contributes to the car it sounds like a compromise all round is needed. It sounds like he works longer hours too so I can understand him not wanting to take public transport. Maybe you have the car some days, him on others and your DD cuts back on activities if it’s 5 days a week. Otherwise it seems unfair him contributing to the car to me.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 15/08/2021 18:05

Either you drive him home but then he is the one to pick up DD
Or je gets him taking public transport and you pick up DD.
Offer him the choice.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 15/08/2021 18:06

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

I know I am a mug but he Always has an answer, normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

And where does he do anything for you? When do you have time to exercise? He’s treating you like chauffeur, he might contribute to the car but that doesn’t mean you have to ferry him around everywhere.

Apeirogon · 15/08/2021 18:06

Since he can't pick up DD due to having to exercise, why can't you tell him that you can't pick him up as that's when you need to ?

Bluntness100 · 15/08/2021 18:09

Ffs I hate these men childs. Tell him you will pick him up if he picks your daughter up, that he needs to compromise. If he refuses to pick her up then he needs to get public transport.

Hold firm he’s taking the piss.

fellrunner85 · 15/08/2021 18:14

There really isn't a problem here.

That time is his only time to exercise - perfect! He now runs or cycles home from work every day. Commute sorted, exercise sorted.

If he wants tips on suitable bags, organisational tips, etc, I and other MNetters can help. In past experience, men like this are v good at saying run-commuting is "too hard" logistically. It isnt, it just takes a bit of planning.

thecatsthecats · 15/08/2021 18:21

It sounds like your daughter needs to drop a day, and you split the other four. I wouldn't be picking him up from the station - running back from the station is exercise, and he can still do a full workout on the three days he's not on the lift runs himself.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/08/2021 18:21

Who cooks the evening meal and cleans up???

Original poster

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/08/2021 18:22

He cites that I bend over backwards for work and for DD’s sporting activity and friends.
I know I need to make some changes as I can’t keep at this pace.
He is very socially awkward as well so a lot of the life admin falls to me. I have joked with him that I might as well be his PA.
I go through stages of absolutely hating him, he just feels like one of life’s passengers.

OP posts:

HotSauceCommittee · 15/08/2021 18:23

Stop wasting your life because you are dreading a difficult conversation.
This is time and you never get it back.
Either he picks ups your child from activity EVERY TIME you pick him up or you don't pick him up. How unreasonable is he going to be? How much more important is his exercise over your day to day quality of life?
Total the hours. How many weeks or months does that add up to? Doesn't he care about you?
Honestly, if you are genuinely afraid and he is going to make things unpleasant or difficult you have bigger problems.
Please just put yourself first on this one and stop wasting your time.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 15/08/2021 18:26

A good man would see that you do all the "bending over backwards" things and step up and share the load.

If he gets back at that time who does the cleaning and prepares the evening meal, prepares lunches or whatever the next day?

I'm assuming he gets up, taken to work, picked up from work, exercises, TV or other hobby and bed?

Lumpwoody · 15/08/2021 18:31

How far away is DDs activity? Can she bike it one or two days a week? What age is she?

He bikes two days. Dd bikes 2 days and you do one day.

Lumpwoody · 15/08/2021 18:33

Is he fully onboard with dd sorts? Is she at elite level and how much total does she do?

Lumpwoody · 15/08/2021 18:33

*sports

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/08/2021 18:35

Yes he does drive and yes contributes to car

So give him the car and you use public transport? Obviously if it’s ok to expect him to do that and fund the car it will be fine for you to do too.

HideousKinky · 15/08/2021 18:35

Why can't the 20 minute walk home from the station be his exercise?

Or part of it, at least

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