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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to start making his own way home

103 replies

Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/08/2021 16:19

DP and I both work Fulltime. We have one car, so in morning I drop him off at work then drive another 15 mins to my work.
I finish at 4 then drive 45 mins back home, take DD to sporting activity (it’s not on public transport route so she can’t get there herself) I then drive back to DP’s work and pick him up. I get back home around 6.30 then leave again at 7.15 to pick DD up.
I have been doing this 5 days a week for around 5 years. To be honest I am a bit knackered and would like to suggest that DP gets public transport home. It’s a 10 min walk from his work and it would take 20 mins. I would then pick him up at the station as it’s another 20 min walk to home.
I have suggested this before and he says he can’t understand why it should make any difference to how tired I feel as in his eyes driving the car to pick him up should not be a problem.
Can anyone think of any other alternative if they think I am being unreasonable to suggest he gets public transport.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/08/2021 17:08

Yes he does drive and yes contributes to car. I asked if he would pick DD afterwards but he says it is the only time he gets to exercise.
Before DD started activity I would let him have car and I would just get public transport home. It was a longer journey but it just didn’t bother me like it does DP.
We can’t really afford another car and we already car share with other parents as it’s not just 5 days after work.
He is just used to having everyone running around after him, his mum did everything for him. I just wished I had put my foot down in the beginning as I am dreading broaching the subject.

OP posts:
sayanythingelse · 15/08/2021 17:09

Ugh I used to do something similar. DH worked 8-8 and I worked 8:30-5. I'd go home at 5, pick up DD, sort tea and then have an hour round trip again to pick him up at 8. I put 25,000 miles on my car that year and refused to do it any longer. DH got a little, cheap runaround to solve the problem. Can you do something similar?

HollowTalk · 15/08/2021 17:12

@Crazynames

If I was financially contributing towards the family car and then I was told to make my own way home from work I wouldn’t be very happy. If you only have one car I think you should invest in a second one.
So you think it's fair that the OP has to spend her days like this?
CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/08/2021 17:12

Don't dread it. Just be blunt. He cannot expect you to be his personal taxi service, nor to escape being part of his child's transport arrangements. He must grow up and actually parent in a manner that puts his child, your relationship on at least an even par with his own selfishness.

By which I mean it would be entirely acceptable for you to ask him what was more important in his life, the gym or his family?

After all the could use the trip home for exercise, he could run/jog that distance!

Remember you are only asking him to do half of what he has assumed you would do...

SunshineCake · 15/08/2021 17:15

Does he not drive enough to know that driving is exhausting at times?

He wants to exercise so that comes before your comfort? I'd tell him you'll pick him up twice a week from now on as you've had enough and his attitude stinks, and then when he moans drop it to no times a week.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/08/2021 17:17

Put your foot down. Either he does the journey to collect her or he gets public transport and the first time he dodges picking her up is the last time you pick him up

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2021 17:21

If it's time to exercise he's after, you know what to get him for Christmas now don't you - a bicycle! He can cycle to and from the train station every day. Best exercise there is and it'll be free for him (as in no gym memberships to renew or pay for. Just a quality bicycle lock and a helmet to wear on the bike.

That's what I would do.

steppemum · 15/08/2021 17:21

@melj1213

Unless your DH can't drive, I don't see why you can't share the morning drive - he drives to his workplace then you just drive from there to your workplace - so it would only be the evening commute that would be an issue, but again you could drive there and he drives home so it's a.50/50 split of the driving.

It’s a 10 min walk from his work and it would take 20 mins. I would then pick him up at the station as it’s another 20 min walk to home.

By my maths that commute would be 50 minutes minimum - not accounting for waiting for the train/delays etc - so more likely to be at least an hour in reality which would be doubling his commute as his workplace is only 30 mins drive from home, so I can see why he wouldn't want to have a longer, more circuitous commute just because you share a car.

the bit you miss though is that OP has to go and get him, which is a 1 hour round trip for her.

So either she has to do a 1 hour drive to pick him up AND he is in the car for 30 minutes.
Or he has to do the 1 hour commute home (although Op is offering to collect him from station) but as least she then is free for that hour.

steppemum · 15/08/2021 17:23

so it is OK for you to waste 1 hour a day picking him up, but then he can't spend a bit of his time picking dd up?

Not really fair is it?

ScrumptiousBears · 15/08/2021 17:29

He can exercise walking to public transport and walking home from the station. That's what my DP does. Two birds - one stone.

MattyGroves · 15/08/2021 17:29

The obvious solution would be for him to combine his commute and exercise somehow - e.g. cycle or part bus/train and part run

bert3400 · 15/08/2021 17:31

An electric bike. They are absolutely brilliant. He could probably cycle the whole way to work

Original poster
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 15/08/2021 17:31

I know I am a mug but he Always has an answer, normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

OP posts:
Osrie · 15/08/2021 17:33

Mollycoddling sprang to mind. Walking is Exercise on way to and from work also sprang to mind. 20 minutes of walking is absolutely nothing in an ordinary day’s commute.

speakout · 15/08/2021 17:33

If your OH wants a lift home he needs to pick up your DD.
Tough shit if it means he can't exercise.
Or he could run home- kill two birds with one stone.

MattyGroves · 15/08/2021 17:33

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

Yes he does drive and yes contributes to car. I asked if he would pick DD afterwards but he says it is the only time he gets to exercise. Before DD started activity I would let him have car and I would just get public transport home. It was a longer journey but it just didn’t bother me like it does DP. We can’t really afford another car and we already car share with other parents as it’s not just 5 days after work. He is just used to having everyone running around after him, his mum did everything for him. I just wished I had put my foot down in the beginning as I am dreading broaching the subject.
It's outrageous that he didn't chauffeur you around when he has the car and you took a longer journey by public transport
Justilou1 · 15/08/2021 17:35

He could kill two birds with one stone and jog home from work. Why should you be the taxi driver? *His only time to exercise, my arse.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 15/08/2021 17:36

And in what way does he 'bend over backwards' for you?

You need to tell him not ask him. This is how it will be. I'm not your servant.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 15/08/2021 17:36

So he knows you are busy running around after everyone else and instead of giving you some time to relax, he wants you to run around after him as well? When do you get time to exercise? Even if you don't want too at the minute you have no time to yourself to follow your own hobbies whilst Dd is at hers and he does his.

He may pay towards the car but you'll need less fuel and put less wear and tear on the car if you aren't running around after him and probably won't need his contribution. He needs to walk, bike or moped instead.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/08/2021 17:36

How far are you from his work? If it's 10 miles or less, can he get a bike, possibly an electric one? He's got his exercise right there, rolled up in his commute. Does his work do a bike to work scheme? You pay for the bike out of your salary tax free for a year, so makes it a lot more affordable.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 15/08/2021 17:38

If he wants to exercise he can take the car, park it at Dds activity and then go for a run or whatever there and pick her up afterwards.

SatNightFever · 15/08/2021 17:38

God, this. People who don’t drive, assuming driving is effortless. Like you just sit there relaxing with the radio on, just like your passengers.
Let him know how wearing it is to have to negotiate traffic lights, lane changes, hazards etc. in the dark and rain. It’s not nothing . He can get himself home, he’s not 12.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 15/08/2021 17:40

I asked if he would pick DD afterwards but he says it is the only time he gets to exercise.

What about YOUR needs, OP?

normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.

Have you asked him for some examples of this? Being his personal chauffeur (at the expense of your own time and energy) doesn't sound to me like you're doing nothing for him.

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 15/08/2021 17:40

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat

I know I am a mug but he Always has an answer, normally says that I bend over backwards for everyone else and do nothing for him.
He sounds like a stroppy teenager!
Woodmarsh · 15/08/2021 17:41

I think everyone needs to compromise here. You keep status quo one or two nights, he walks/cycles/public transport one or two nights and daughter reduces activity or gets a taxi or lift with a friend one or two nights

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