AIBU at husband’s aunt’s comments

[TygerTyger]

Last week saw DH aunt. Obviously haven’t seen her much in the last 18 mths. Is usually antagonistic towards me. This time, seemed ok. After dinner, ‘your hair isn’t as dark’. No, I’m going grey (I’m 49) ‘Can’t you dye it it’s very ageing’ I’m not very grey at all and it’s limited to a slight streak at the back. Replied, not I’ve been told by hairdresser not to touch it. ‘Well it’s ageing’. Next day. ‘Your tummy isn’t too bad you could use those elastic pants or a body girdle’. I’m a size 10, admittedly maybe ooh 6lbs (!) overweight. She always does this. I just said no I’m alright thanks. How can I stop her passing comment on my appearance. She missed the memo that if you’ve got nothing good to say STFU. A quick riposte would be helpful. Each time it takes me by surprise!

Ask her if she is well /needs to see a Dr as she is becoming very rude....

Maybe just a very deliberate eye roll and 'there you go again'? It certainly shouldn't worry you being rude to her. She might even enjoy the banter.

Ahh ok and don't respond any further

"I dont mind you making rude and impertinent personal remarks so long as you dont mind my ignoring them"

How can I stop her passing comment on my appearance

What's she like with you when she's not trying to put you down? I take it her comments are never complimentary?

You could ask her, every time, why she feels the need to say such things. If she is trying to get a reaction from you though, you could turn your back to her and start speaking to someone else. Or just smile and nod. If she sees you getting angry or hurt it's rewarding her behaviour.

Pass comment on Her appearance

Give her advice on where to get a more supportive bra 😉

Tell her to concentrate on her own appearance as she's looking rather old/fat these days

“What a strange thing to say.” with a shake of the head.

Tell her that you're a little concerned because she's made a few comments recently and you have read that becoming disinhibited can be a sign of dementia

My Nan used to do this with me. One day I snapped and said ‘ you know if I was sitting there with 3 chins and my tummy hanging over my elasticated trousers I wouldn’t comment on anyone else’s appearance’ I then got into loads of trouble with my mum but sorry fuck it, negative comments about people’s appearance hurt. I still have a hang up about the acne I had 25 years ago because of her!

‘Your hair is lighter, it’s ageing’
‘Hair is such a personal preference isn’t it. For example, I’m sure you like your hair but I’m not so keen, haha’.

‘You should get those elastic pants for your tummy’
‘Oh right, is that what you use though? Only because they don’t seem to be working very well so I’d worry i’d waste my money…’

@EatYourVegetables

“What a strange thing to say.” with a shake of the head.

Actually that's quite a good non confrontational response

I would pretend I hadn't heard her and change the subject

‘Don’t you own a fucking mirror?’ works for me.

"Does your rudeness and nastiness come naturally or do you have to work on it?"

"Your rudeness and nastiness is a very unattractive quality, perhaps you could invest in some etiquette lessons?"

Keep your tone light and smile.

Somebody once told me to try saying: "Sorry?" Or "Pardon?" or "Say that again," etc etc whenever a random person is randomly rude. And then if/when they do say it again, just keep saying: "Sorry?" And repeat. So the person (perhaps) gets all flummoxed and maybe other people in the room end up looking and listening in at the rude person saying their rude comment repeatedly and looking like a right obnoxious git.

I’d just say it’s very rude to comment on people’s appearance. Please don’t. If she persisted I’d then be a lot ruder - e.g. STFU.

@EatYourVegetables That is an excellent thing to say. I’m using it.

Yeah, MiL did that to me too recently about the grey hair. I just let it go as there's no point saying anything. I feel your pain tho!

Can you just not visit her?

just point out her flaws?

Im in the exact same position! My DH aunt always used to make nasty comments about my appearance / personality. Now I avoid her but if I did end up in that situation again I think I'd go with something like 'I was taught that if you dont have anything nice to say then dont say anything at all'.

How old is she op? Is she quite elderly?

Probably just easier to tell her to fuck off than think about clever replies