AIBU at husband’s aunt’s comments

[TygerTyger]

Last week saw DH aunt. Obviously haven’t seen her much in the last 18 mths. Is usually antagonistic towards me. This time, seemed ok. After dinner, ‘your hair isn’t as dark’. No, I’m going grey (I’m 49) ‘Can’t you dye it it’s very ageing’ I’m not very grey at all and it’s limited to a slight streak at the back. Replied, not I’ve been told by hairdresser not to touch it. ‘Well it’s ageing’. Next day. ‘Your tummy isn’t too bad you could use those elastic pants or a body girdle’. I’m a size 10, admittedly maybe ooh 6lbs (!) overweight. She always does this. I just said no I’m alright thanks. How can I stop her passing comment on my appearance. She missed the memo that if you’ve got nothing good to say STFU. A quick riposte would be helpful. Each time it takes me by surprise!

I'd probably say How rude! Did your mother not teach you any manners?

Or maybe You clearly don't mind rudeness. Shall I point out all the parts of you that look awful? Or is it only you that's allowed to behave badly?

You could try this:

@FadedRed

You could try this:

My most used spell 😆

I think this is where the Mumsnet staple of "did you mean to be so rude" works.

Calls out the behaviour clearly without resorting to insults given that this is a person you are likely to have to deal regularly.

How old is she op? Is she quite elderly?

So what if she is? It doesn't give her the right to be rude & judgemental.

'You know what they say about people in glass houses'

If you can't tell her to fuck off tell her to give it a rest. Or stand up & shout BINGO!!

If you're my SIL, then a completely blank look and turning away helps. She hates that

She probably could stop but she doesn't want to, she likes being mean which is why we all avoid her...

@PuppyMonkey

Somebody once told me to try saying: "Sorry?" Or "Pardon?" or "Say that again," etc etc whenever a random person is randomly rude. And then if/when they do say it again, just keep saying: "Sorry?" And repeat. So the person (perhaps) gets all flummoxed and maybe other people in the room end up looking and listening in at the rude person saying their rude comment repeatedly and looking like a right obnoxious git.

Yes, this, 100%! I have done this with obnoxious fuckwits that cross my path, they usually don't repeat their comment again!

Seriously, why do you visit her? I wouldn't go near her again. Then you won't have to come up with any responses that you are unlikely to say anyway.

I find a raised eyebrow puts across my feelings quite well, without having to say anything.

"I saw a lovely little nursing home that would suit you auntie, lovely and cheap too. Do you want the phone number?"

Or just ignore her, turn away every time and speak to someone else.

@Dontbeme

"I saw a lovely little nursing home that would suit you auntie, lovely and cheap too. Do you want the phone number?"

Or just ignore her, turn away every time and speak to someone else.

Even funnier if she's only in her 50s 😆

Oh, DH and had a bet how long it would take you to comment on my appearance. You beat your own record this time, congratulations!!

If she's like this every time you see her, why is it a surprise?

The above come backs are great, I'd certainly be having a dig right back at the silly cow!

My aunts always to call me fat til one day I snapped and told them they were all fucking ugly which was far worse as at least I could lose weight! They stopped after that.

You need to mirror her personality. See how she likes it.

@memberofthewedding

"I dont mind you making rude and impertinent personal remarks so long as you dont mind my ignoring them"

That!

I sympathise, I had a very tactless mother.

I think if you stand up to her or snap back she will get some kind of gratification from having gotten a reaction from you. When around people like this I find it is best to nod thoughtfully and say something like 'how interesting' or 'I'll look into that'. In my experience this drives them crazy as they cannot then be affronted at your response to their rudeness. And you have signalled you don't give a fuck about what they just said.

Just keep saying there is no need to be so rude and walk away

Lots of older people come out with stuff like this, it could be in their nature, or they have lives that are a bit shallow, and nothing more interesting to talk about, other than to make silly or rude comments to people.

She sounds jealous.

either REALLY massive subject change to eg "hasn't it been hot/rainy/cold/plague of locusty lately"

or.......walk in, sniff pointedly and start talking about how effective gran used to say Tena Lady are and tell her that she can get a free sample to try (this bit is true)

"D"aunt used to tell me I was looking tired or was overweight and needed to wear a girdle (my BMI is < 25!) when i visited her. Nothing was ever 100% right with me - she'd find fault with something. She was also very good at pointing out imaginary "dirty" places round our house!
I swear she used to bleach her own drains and loo every day and knowing what a clean freak she was, after she'd pissed me off once too often, I went round hers and opened all the kitchen windows saying there was an (imaginary) terrible smell in the house and how could she stand it getting into her hair and clothes? Cost her a fortune in carpet and drain cleaning and she had to wash and iron everything!
She mostly shut up after that, but if she started up on me I'd pull a face and ask her if she was really sure she got rid of that awful smell. But I am wicked

If you're not afraid of burning bridges, clearly tell her to STFU. For the same message, only nicer, just smile sweetly and say: thank you, unsolicited advice is always very much appreciated.

@PuppyMonkey

Somebody once told me to try saying: "Sorry?" Or "Pardon?" or "Say that again," etc etc whenever a random person is randomly rude. And then if/when they do say it again, just keep saying: "Sorry?" And repeat. So the person (perhaps) gets all flummoxed and maybe other people in the room end up looking and listening in at the rude person saying their rude comment repeatedly and looking like a right obnoxious git.

This is my go to. I just keep saying ‘sorry? you’ve lost me?’ ‘No…I’m not with you?’ And I never take my eyes from their face…I can keep going for as long as it takes.

"Fuck off, you toxic hag" would work.

'Can I just stop you there?' then silence should work too.