Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU at husband’s aunt’s comments

82 replies

TygerTyger · 15/08/2021 12:03

Last week saw DH aunt. Obviously haven’t seen her much in the last 18 mths. Is usually antagonistic towards me. This time, seemed ok. After dinner, ‘your hair isn’t as dark’. No, I’m going grey (I’m 49) ‘Can’t you dye it it’s very ageing’ I’m not very grey at all and it’s limited to a slight streak at the back. Replied, not I’ve been told by hairdresser not to touch it. ‘Well it’s ageing’. Next day. ‘Your tummy isn’t too bad you could use those elastic pants or a body girdle’. I’m a size 10, admittedly maybe ooh 6lbs (!) overweight. She always does this. I just said no I’m alright thanks. How can I stop her passing comment on my appearance. She missed the memo that if you’ve got nothing good to say STFU. A quick riposte would be helpful. Each time it takes me by surprise!

OP posts:
purpletrains · 15/08/2021 16:38

Please tell us what this old bat looks like!

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/08/2021 16:39

Can you just not visit her? DH can go on his own if he must. What does he say when she's having a go at you? Why doesn't HE tell her to stfu?

CookieCrunch123 · 15/08/2021 16:45

‘Hmmm’ then change the subject quickly. Show lots of interest in more positive topics and try to steer towards those positive topics as much as possible. I hope there’s some positive topics?!

VenusTiger · 15/08/2021 16:47

Just keep saying "that's really not a nice thing to say" to every derogatory comment she makes until it's all she can remember of the conversation.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2021 17:13

@iklboo
"How old is she op? Is she quite elderly?"

There's neurological changes that can happen as we get very old that can cause a lack of inhibitions. Just like toddlers can't help it, neither can some elderly people. My Mum came out with things in the last year of her life that just wasn't her.

2bazookas · 15/08/2021 17:15

Just look her in the eye and ask in a very polite concerned voice

"How much do you weigh?"

for variety try

"Is that your real hair? "

"Are those your own teeth?"

Original poster
TygerTyger · 15/08/2021 17:38

She’s in her early 70s now but this has been going on for the last 20 years. I’m very tired of people making excuses for her along the lines of she didn’t mean it and she’s not like that. I reckon you can only be judged on what you say an what you do so…. Her sister (MIL) was no better. She did look slightly shocked with her no thanks I’m alright. But then proceeded with the girdle thing! Also had (not for the first time) ‘you’re lovely this time’. To which I said ‘I’ve always been lovely’. But I’m not a pushover you really you can’t expect me to be nice to you when you make unsolicited rude comments. When she’s confronted she gets really nasty and cries. Classic insecurity. I’m tired of it.

OP posts:
TempName01 · 15/08/2021 18:50

‘I’ll be glad when I’m your age and don’t have to worry about my appearance any more, you must find it so freeing!’

ElfridaEtAl · 15/08/2021 19:00

I would never actually say this so I am BEGGING you to

“You’re getting quite old now aren’t you? Have you started planning your funeral yet? It won’t be long now you know”

Thereareliterallynonamesleft · 15/08/2021 19:10

A tip I read on here as a response to interfering/rude strangers was to say (in a cold/toneless voice) ‘Thank you for your opinion/comment/advice’ then turn away and do something else. They can’t say you’re being rude, but it’s clearly dismissive of them and their remark.

Thereareliterallynonamesleft · 15/08/2021 19:10

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft

A tip I read on here as a response to interfering/rude strangers was to say (in a cold/toneless voice) ‘Thank you for your opinion/comment/advice’ then turn away and do something else. They can’t say you’re being rude, but it’s clearly dismissive of them and their remark.
And they also can’t say it was only a joke, calm down, etc either.
Orgasmagorical · 15/08/2021 19:11

When she’s confronted she gets really nasty and cries. Classic insecurity. I’m tired of it.

There is no winning with people like this, it really is draining. If I were you I'd avoid her as much as you can and go with the "Sorry? Pardon?" thing till she stutters to a halt.

Or you could do the even more draining thing that is praise her to the hilt so you're her golden one, but you'll feel dirty as hell doing it Envy

iklboo · 15/08/2021 19:15

@Ponoka7 - yes I know about that. I'm sorry about your mum. But OP has said aunt has always been like this, no it's not a new development that might suggest neurological change.

FoxgloveSummers · 15/08/2021 19:18

In real life I’d either look confused and laugh at her like she’s being silly/making a joke, but if she pushed it I’d say either “that’s not very kind” or “everyone says I have great hair/a lovely figure/amazing shoes” or whatever the object of her criticism is. Even if it’s not true she can’t argue with that and it often makes rude people doubt themselves.

BronwenFrideswide · 15/08/2021 19:22

When she’s confronted she gets really nasty and cries

Very manipulative.

You could fight rudeness with rudeness and echo her comments or a
variation thereof back to her.

You are right, you don't need to put up with being insulted, her age and relation to you is no excuse. Was your dh with you? Why doesn't he pull her up on her behaviour/comments?

Do you have to go and see her? I would be inclined not to bother.

Original poster
TygerTyger · 15/08/2021 20:51

She knows she’s in the wrong. She always times it when he’s out of earshot. I’m made to feel like I’m being ridiculous and ‘sensitive’. Thank you all for being supportive. I’ve been thinking ‘is it me?’ We shouldn’t have to do this for much longer but we have things to sort out down there at the moment. I cd write a book about it really. The whole sweetness and light one moment and then nasty comment the next is really discombobulating. I can’t imagine why anyone wd do this, which leaves me at a disadvantage really.

OP posts:
Original poster
TygerTyger · 15/08/2021 21:03

I very much doubt that you are but I’ll try it. I think I’ll just walk off next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
TygerTyger · 15/08/2021 21:04

Oh the fall out from this wd be epic. Satisfying though.

OP posts:
CurryLover55 · 15/08/2021 21:12

I heard a good response years ago. “ You’re dirty”. “ Well you’re ugly but I can always wash”!

HazelBite · 15/08/2021 22:14

My MIL used to be realy rude to me, out of DH's earshot, I used to smile sweetly and nod at her, because I really didn't care what she thought of me. It worked she gave up with the insults eventually as she realised she couldn't upset me

Marmalady75 · 15/08/2021 22:25

“There we are then!” said with a head tilt and a nod.

WhatAShilohPitt · 15/08/2021 22:59

“That’s an awful thing to say to me.”
“I’d never say make a rude comment about you.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Why are you always making little digs at me?”
“Usually when people are that nasty, they don’t say it to my face!”

I mean, it needs saying. Why can she tell you that you need a girdle but you’re worried about being rude to her?! She lost that right when she was rude about your hair! Nasty cow!

LepusLepus · 15/08/2021 23:15

Op, I once had an aunt like yours - rude, so rude, and had a full head of grey hair. Mine was sort of 50/50 at that point.
One day I was on the bus sitting at the back, minding my own business when I saw her get on. She paid the driver and began to work her way down the aisle when she spotted me.

Oooh, I see you've dyed your hair she bellowed at me. and without thinking I said back quite loudly Yes, but I see you haven't !

The bus erupted, I blushed scarlet as was usually quite shy, and she stomped back off the bus threatening to tell my parents what a cheeky so and so I was - for context I was in my late 30's!

That was the beginning of my standing up for myself. Please, please stop this aunt of yours belittling you, you don't deserve it.

problembottom · 16/08/2021 08:27

My view is if it’s your family you need to step up. This vile woman is your DH’s aunty and he should be dealing with this. I’d be making it clear if he doesn’t get her to stop I will either a) be telling her to fuck off every single time or b) never seeing her again, whichever one you fancy.

Thehop · 16/08/2021 08:41

If it’s always whilst he’s out of earshot I’d be tempted to say something so so outrageous he’ll think she’s mad if she repeats it!

“Your hair is very ageing”

“Fuck off you old trout”
“Will you fuck off with your nasty comments you cunt”

She’ll cough and splutter and be outraged but can’t tell him because she’ll have to admit what she said.