To sometimes feel unlucky to be a woman?

[ttcsucks]

Controversial statement I know. There are many things I love about being female, however the one thing that I feel is a massive hinderance is hormones.

Being driven by hormones and how I ‘feel’ all the time affects my life.

It affects my job, how I think, how I behave, relationships, how rational I am and I feel this is something experienced by many women (in fact, I don’t know any women of varying degrees of course that are not the same)

AIBU to just wish I was in a level stable mood all the time, no ups or downs - driven by my head not my heart at all times and not be driven by my emotions?

There are other biology related things that make me feel this way too but probably for another thread!

I genuinely don't think periods are as big a deal as you made it out to be for a lot of people (yes, there are exceptions but they seem to be in the minority). I'm gay and even played lacrosse all through school so spent hours upon hours with women where we have no qualms discussing bodily functions, and periods were always seen as a minor inconvenience where you maybe take a painkiller for cramps or skip a day of training if it's bad. No one's on an emotional roller coaster, we don't suddenly behave irrationally, and it's just like any other day except that we had to remember to buy tampons.

It's interesting how you're so outrightly dismissive of anyone who disagrees with you.

@LemonyHalibut
Is it just me or do some posts seem to be full of 'incel' talking points here to propagate (in a roundabout way of course) the idea that women are these out of control, emotional creatures and therefore, by logical extension, not quite fit to be in charge of any important decisions because 'hormones'?

I don’t think it’s so much that these are in EO talking points as both the OP and incels have been taken in by a cultural narative about differences in male and female behaviour that makes us label behaviour in a sexist way without realising that’s what we’re doing.

It’s not that there aren’t aggregate differences in male and female behaviour, whether they are biological or socially driven, it’s that there is a narrative that women are ‘emotional’ and men are ‘rational’ and so we see emotional behaviour by women and ascribe it to them being emotional (and natural) and ignore when they are rational, and do the opposite with men.

For instance, when it comes to car buying men frequently tell a rational tale, 0 - 60 times, top speeds, torque, engine size, gear ratios, etc. But what they do is pick the car they want because it makes them feel good and then rationalize that decision. Their personal narrative is one of reasoned decision making, weighing pros and cons, but their actual decision is driven by emotion.

Women are frequently more hard-hearted than men in high risk situations. When men follow their hearts and go for the big reward despite low likelihood of success, women are much better at risk assessing and choosing the route more likly to get the better payoff. This was notable in the financial crisis in the 2000s when it was women who pulled economies out of the mire created by men’s emotional risk taking. Yet the populist narrative is that women are “too scared” to take risks.

*in EO should incel

Well in general, obviously women are at a disadvantage in society. That's what the patriarchy is. So in a sense YANBU that it is unlucky to be female. It has to be said I have two daughters and I'd love it if they grow up to be lesbians. Because while women are evolving at an incredible rate, a large proportion of men seem stuck in old roles or struggling to find a role at all in the new world, floundering around in insecurity and anger, and it is the job of their female partners to grapple with the emotional trouble this gives them and smooth their path through life, because they are emotionally illiterate and can't identify or process feelings other than anger. I don't want either of my girls to spend their lives carrying the emotional can for some bloke who can't be arsed to sort out his own feelings in a sensible way.

@Draineddraineddrained I had a one of my friends DH tell me the gap has been almost closed between equality between men and women

Made me annoyed!

I’m quite offended at the notion that my life has to be shit because I am female. I do not recognise being beholden to anything and certainly not hormones. I think leaning on this type of thinking is harmful and playing up to is even worse. Do I have the odd shit day? Yes absolutely, but I don’t let it torpedo my life and still act like a professional.

@Draineddraineddrained

Well in general, obviously women are at a disadvantage in society. That's what the patriarchy is. So in a sense YANBU that it is unlucky to be female. It has to be said I have two daughters and I'd love it if they grow up to be lesbians. Because while women are evolving at an incredible rate, a large proportion of men seem stuck in old roles or struggling to find a role at all in the new world, floundering around in insecurity and anger, and it is the job of their female partners to grapple with the emotional trouble this gives them and smooth their path through life, because they are emotionally illiterate and can't identify or process feelings other than anger. I don't want either of my girls to spend their lives carrying the emotional can for some bloke who can't be arsed to sort out his own feelings in a sensible way.

What am I actually reading here. I’m female and married to a man. This isn’t the dynamic I experience, nor should it be and you’re also tarring all men with the same brush as well, people should just stop assuming the worst of people of any gender.

Yes OP, totally get this. The pill made me suicidal. I get ovulation pains (and spotting, bloating and tiredness), pretty bad pms including hormonal migraines and then full blown homicidal rage at the start of my period (often the first sign) followed by crying at inanimate objects immediately after. Plus the hunger and the tiredness. I only feel normal in the follicular phase tbh!

Recurrent miscarriages are only adding to the fun.

Female hormones suck!

@ttcsucks

Being more emotional makes me more compassionate in dealing with things.

Yes, but it depends what things you're dealing with as to whether this helps or hinders things for you.

It depends what life you lead, as to whether your emotions help or hinder.

I disagree. I deal with things how I deal with them. A colleague might go in guns blazing, aggressive and assertive etc. That is their way. My way is to be more calm and compassionate. I win people over by being nice to them. There is more than one way to skin a cat so to speak.

I think that what a lot of people are missing here is that the difference in people's biology is not limited to different sex organs and hormones. We're all different, and experience things happening on a microbiological level differently. This is why some people die from Covid while others don't even have symptoms.

So the whole hormone thing affects people on a spectrum. And I'd go so far as to say that the extreme ends of the spectrum probably overlap a little bit - so you could have an overly sensitive man and a very agressive woman.

So it's not surprising that posters' experiences don't match the OP's experience - which, to be fair, also seems a little bit extreme.

Personally I've felt very little pull from my hormones. And I don't think it's just denial because for instance I had zero pregnancy symptoms - no nausea, no bloating, no mood swings, no cravings. I'm also the opposite of emotional (if anything I've been blamed for being too detached). So based on that, and my general experience, I'm guessing that hormones influence me less than average.

I've also never used hormonal contraception so it isn't that.

But clearly other people have a very different experience from mine !

For what it's worth though I do agree that it sucks to be a woman in this society.

We have better immune systems and live longer generally; and because of our superior immune systems, less of us have been hospitalised and died of Covid, statistically speaking, for example.

I don’t feel like my mind is driven by hormones - apart from being a bit more irritable during PMS. In fact DP is a lot more emotionally labile than I am.

I do feel my body changing during the month - bloating, heaviness, appetite changes, back pain, breast pain.

The hormones for me feel physical, not emotional or mental. But I’m quite a rationalist person anyway. I wonder if the emotionality is more to do with personality type, and you interpret it as hormonal? If you tend to be quite emotion-led anyway. Whereas I’m not (I’m an ENTP, “thinking” type, in Myers-Briggs), so for me I feel physical variation throughout the month but not really changes in my mental state. Although as I said I do get a bit extra grumpy a couple of days before my period.

It’s not that there aren’t aggregate differences in male and female behaviour, whether they are biological or socially driven, it’s that there is a narrative that women are ‘emotional’ and men are ‘rational’ and so we see emotional behaviour by women and ascribe it to them being emotional (and natural) and ignore when they are rational, and do the opposite with men.

^^This! It doesn’t really add up that women historically have been portrayed as emotional and irrational, even though we all know that male anger is far more mercurial, irrational and unpredictable than women’s behaviour. Think of the “crime of passion” defence (rarely used historically by women), and loads of other defences in law at various time, designed to explain away the irrationality of male anger / violence (look up “homosexual panic”, for example.

Interesting how women’s tears or emotions are called irrational or hormonal, but male anger, sulking etc. (which we all have had experience of), is imagined as justified or rational, when it’s neither.

I am at a disadvantage as I gave up my body to pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding 3 times. It is not the same now, and I endured physical pain.
But from a societal point of view, I felt lucky to be the primary caregiver and entitled to spend time with my children whole my job was kept open for me. I would have found that hard as a father, less time off with the kids.
In terms of hormones, well I hate periods as they are an unnecessary inconvenience now. But my mood is petty stable. Much more so than my husband who relies on antidepressants. I think women are more prone to moods due to periods, but there is a massive range for many reasons.
We know women are at a disadvantage globally, for sure. But my personal experience doesn't reflect that.

Hormones don't seem to affect my mood etc (yet, mid 30s) but I know when I was fainting with period cramps at work the other day I definitely felt hindered by my sex. That and menstrual migraines that steal multiple days from every month.

I don't think YABU, but it might be worth looking into some options for dealing with hormone related mood issues?

I get it. Horrendous PMS from ovulation until my period that sends me into a rage over the strangest things. Pregnancy hormones were bizarre, as was the sudden hormonal shift when my milk came in (the one everyone warns you about but I didn’t believe them until it happened).

My colleagues complain about their PMS too, often apologising in advance so I’m prepared for the week of door slamming and snapping and angry tears! One is menopausal and says she is ‘permanently angry’ because of this.

It’s not that there aren’t aggregate differences in male and female behaviour, whether they are biological or socially driven, it’s that there is a narrative that women are ‘emotional’ and men are ‘rational’ and so we see emotional behaviour by women and ascribe it to them being emotional (and natural) and ignore when they are rational, and do the opposite with men.

And clearly that narrative changes whenever it suits men. When women want some emphasis on their health needs, suddenly men are more physically fragile and have bigger problems. When women talk about the damage to mental health caused by men, suddenly men are the more emotionally fragile and have bigger problems because their suicide rate is so high.

The dominance of men in crime statistics, violent crime and, indeed, suicide, speaks of the inferiority of the male hormone when sophisticated emotional processing is required. The equation between male dominant societies and emphasis on ‘might-is-right’ approaches to power shows a lack of subtlety in thought, ability to build public spaces and consciousness or ability to build any other kind of relationships on their own. It’s empirically observed throughout the world that resources given to men support those men, whereas resources given to women support those women, their family relations, and their societal networks as a whole.

Not all men are like that of course - just as not all or even the majority of women have such troubles with their hormones that they are unable to think - but I did not start either this thread or the sex war. I am uneasy about its appearance actually while men’s will to dominate women, children and even other men by force is coming back to prominence everywhere.

Violence is skewed so, so heavily towards men, that it is laughable to suggest that men (as a group) are any less affected by hormones than women (as a group).

And the impact on society of men’s hormones is far more devastating.

I am speaking generally of course - hormones do not rule my life in the slightest. Nor do they rule, for example, my husband’s.

I get you OP.
There's a certain time in my cycle where I can't park for shit, any other time and I park amazingly.
I most definitely become less tolerant of stupidity at certain times, even when for the sake of diplomacy I know I really shouldn't be.
I also have an inflammatory condition that is very painful and flares up with hormone changes so I distinctly know when my hormone levels change

I wish I'd been born a man.

About half my problems would disappear.

They definitely have it easier in life.

the idea that women are these out of control, emotional creatures and therefore, by logical extension, not quite fit to be in charge of any important decisions because 'hormones'?

I'm just reading Unwell Women www.amazon.co.uk/Dangerous-Defective-Delirious-Elinor-Cleghorn/dp/1474616852/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=2G557HNIZ0OPO&keywords=unwell+women&sprefix=unwell+%2Caps%2C179&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1629190328&sr=8-1
and it's quite eye-opening how menstruation has been used for centuries as an explanation why women can't be let out from domestic sphere.

I'm in no way denying that some women have issues (which are often ignored, read Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez if you want to get angry) but an average woman is not more emotional or less rational than an average man.