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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes feel unlucky to be a woman?

121 replies

ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 21:21

Controversial statement I know. There are many things I love about being female, however the one thing that I feel is a massive hinderance is hormones.

Being driven by hormones and how I ‘feel’ all the time affects my life.

It affects my job, how I think, how I behave, relationships, how rational I am and I feel this is something experienced by many women (in fact, I don’t know any women of varying degrees of course that are not the same)

AIBU to just wish I was in a level stable mood all the time, no ups or downs - driven by my head not my heart at all times and not be driven by my emotions?

There are other biology related things that make me feel this way too but probably for another thread!

OP posts:
Booboosweet · 14/08/2021 22:36

I think the idea that women are more ruled by their emotions than men is a huge stereotype which is not based in reality at all. I'm very logical whereas men I know, particularly my dad, can be very emotional. I think the whole idea that men and women's brains are wired differently is total bullshit. Obviously the physical side of being a woman affects our state of mind. How could it not? My period pain every month is terrible. But men have their own physical downsides too.

Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 22:36

I'm not saying men are perfect or even better at all, but I am saying that they have more hormonal advantages IMO particularly when it comes to emotions/sensitivity day to day.

Appreciate some men are angry etc but the men I know and work with and meet day to day this is a much smaller minority than emotional women I know.

Also, a man not controlling his anger to the point where he loses it with someone Is affecting the minority of men not the majority.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 22:38

. I worry about what my daughter will suffer because she’s a girl and will it be worse than it was for me because I know how shit it can be for women and girls because of our sex and because men.
I actually wouldn’t swap being female but I do think it’s fucking hard work.

Exactly this

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/08/2021 22:40

This psuedopsychobiological bullshit is exactly the sort of thing that men come out with as a justification for discriminating against women.

PicsInRed · 14/08/2021 22:41

Maybe that’s another reason why it’s so shit to be a woman. Men who can’t or won’t control their urges and pester women and blame women for their failings.

Yes.

TracyLords · 14/08/2021 22:44

Yip, I agree. I had gallbladder issues which made me very ill: gallbladder issues are more common in women for some reason (fat, female and forty). And since having DD ive had migraines for about half of the month.

Not to mention the amount of time I need to spend getting myself just to baseline groomed compared to a man.

Draineddraineddrained · 14/08/2021 22:47

@ttcsucks

*But they're still sensitive - for example a group of most blokes go out and let's say one has put on lots of weight, theylll tell him and they'll have a laugh about it.

That's not what happens with a group of most women they will cry and fall out *

Oh for God's sake. This is so clearly because appearance is a metric SOCIETY judges women's value by. So telling a woman she's piled on weight is a strike at her inherent worth under society's (bullshit sexist) rubric. Of course that will cause trouble. Whereas men's value is placed elsewhere. Yes, if the lads are boozing and tell Terry he's become a fat fucker over lockdown, hahaha hilarious. Tell Terry he's got a tiny dick or can't get it up and the teeth will be flying in earnest. This is so fucking obvious I'm beginning to think you're trolling. Especially with all this "fragile" bollocks. See a woman give birth, or have a c-section, and be giving sole 24/7 care to a tiny infant 24 hours later, and then tell me she's bloody fragile. Are you on the wind up?

Brimorion · 14/08/2021 22:47

@ttcsucks, you don’t seem to have grasped how gendered socialisation works. Stop blaming your hormones for internalised stereotyping you don’t seem willing to interrogate.

Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 22:49

@Draineddraineddrained I'm not trolling - I'm sharing my thoughts and if you disagree with them that's ok!

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 22:50

@Brimorion so you think most of it is society and not hormonal?

In which case interesting I'm honestly not here to pick a fight with anyone or offend anyone - I honestly think it's a combination of society AND hormones.

Doesn't change the fact I feel unlucky to be female a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Draineddraineddrained · 14/08/2021 22:55

@ttcsucks

"Also, a man not controlling his anger to the point where he loses it with someone Is affecting the minority of men not the majority"

But that's true of most women too! I mean yes ok I get hideous PMT now and cry a lot the day before - but I go off and do it in the loo, I don't break down at my partner/colleagues. Only once have I burst into tears at work, and that was the meeting where I acknowledged I was having a mental breakdown and signed off sick from work for a month. It had nothing to do with my squishy woman feelings, which while I acknowledge I may have more of than the average man (just as the average man may have more passing homicidal urges than I do) we're both capable of controlling them. Emotionally incontinent women and violent men, wherever they are in their hormone cycles, are quite rare. Because we may have feels but by and large we're intelligent animals and have the ability to hold it in.

I do feel a bit like you're looking for an excuse to not control yourself.

Elephantsparade · 14/08/2021 22:56

If it makes you feel more positive - oestrogen is supposed to protect against heart disease

Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 22:57

@Elephantsparade

If it makes you feel more positive - oestrogen is supposed to protect against heart disease
Grin
OP posts:
FreddieLounds · 14/08/2021 22:58

My partner has bipolar disorder and has to work so hard balancing medication and lifestyle in order not to be overwhelmed by his mood swings. I am an overly rational, coldhearted scientist with little empathy. I’m pretty sure I’m still the one with the womb and he the one with the dick.

Your generalisations are just that and heavily loaded with cultural bias and norm perceptions.

MenopauseCake · 14/08/2021 22:59

Sorry to hear how your hormones affect you, OP. I was lucky enough not to feel them too much until perimenopause onwards where I got really quite angry about things like unequal allocation of certain tasks at home and work, and unwanted random comments. The anger was pretty good really, I stand up for myself more, and enjoy life a bit more because of it.

user97495 · 14/08/2021 23:01

I agree OP, I massively struggle with PMT and my hormones, and of course it's a direct result
of my sex even if other women don't feel it to the same degree or at all Hmm

waterlego · 14/08/2021 23:02

I don’t believe I’m driven by my hormones and I certainly am not very ‘in touch’ with my emotions. I rarely cry (wish I could, tbh, as I think it’s healthy to cry), but I have suffered hormonal misery- mostly with my skin. Acne kicked in when I was about 20, and only began to let up when I hit 40. I also feel pretty depressed, hopeless and angry in the run-up to my period. This is getting worse lately and I suspect I might be peri menopausal. Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of the nonsense women and girls frequently endure from society.

LemonyHalibut · 14/08/2021 23:02

Is it just me or do some posts seem to be full of 'incel' talking points here to propagate (in a roundabout way of course) the idea that women are these out of control, emotional creatures and therefore, by logical extension, not quite fit to be in charge of any important decisions because 'hormones'?

Just picking on an example the OP mentioned: women making weight comments about their friends vs men doing the same with theirs. From a very young age, girls are sadly socialised to believe that their main value lies in how sexually appealing they are. Just look at the number of things (catcalling, being asked for nudes, being told that you have 'nice tits' by associates etc) some people still view as compliments. Is it any wonder that comments about their weight would tend to affect women more than men?

You want find instances where men display their emotions? Try rejecting them. I'm in my 20s and grew up in the Instagram age. The number of rape threats, death threats I've received from men is staggering. Reject their advances via DM. You're now branded as a 'whore' or 'stuck up bitch'. Even if they're in the minority, I'd wager there's probably more of them than women who would describe themselves as being 'ruled by hormones'.

Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 23:06

There's are many changes women go through that interfere which so many posters seem to be denying which I find really weird.

So to help anyone struggling here's a list of changes men do not deal with;

Periods
Pregnancy
Menopause
Childbirth
Birth control

All of the above are things women have to deal with for a majority of their lives, when we have periods our hormones levels change every. Single. Month. And this affects our moods and emotions.

Appreciate men have their own hormonal challenges but on top of the norm their hormones and fucked with the above changes so frequently.

I appreciate this affects us in varying degrees but I honestly think people are just fighting truth here and being defiant about it and awkward.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2021 23:10

No. We just are saying we are not ruled by our hormones. It's simple as that.

bookishtartlet · 14/08/2021 23:11

I'm utterly dominated by my hormones, and have been since puberty. Those posters advising you to seek medical help... Good luck with that. Trying to get a gp to take me seriously and not just hand out yet more antidepressants has yet to happen. I too feel at a disadvantage with the societal expectations of a female, in lots of different ways. I have had 2 children and pregnancy and the postnatal period was difficult, again the hormones ruled.

MenopauseCake · 14/08/2021 23:12

OP that thing you said at the beginning about heart always ruling your head - one good thing to do when making big decisions is to get a piece of A4 paper and fold it in half. On one side write all the pros, then all the cons on the other. Then it's easier to make a logical decision.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2021 23:12

And I agree with pps that you are conflating physical and societal issues

Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 23:13

@MenopauseCake

OP that thing you said at the beginning about heart always ruling your head - one good thing to do when making big decisions is to get a piece of A4 paper and fold it in half. On one side write all the pros, then all the cons on the other. Then it's easier to make a logical decision.
I like this suggestion thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
ttcsucks · 14/08/2021 23:14

@SchrodingersImmigrant

And I agree with pps that you are conflating physical and societal issues
Yes perhaps there is crossover but the thread doesn't have to exclusively be about hormones! It's about how I feel unlucky to be female

That is for both hormonal AND societal reasons yes.

We are not prohibited from discussing the societal reasons - thread is open for all discussion Grin

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