To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

[lechatnoir]

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I would be extremely annoyed that my whole weeks meal planning had been chucked out the window by someone who just fancied a big foody spend up on the spur of the moment. I have neither the time or money to deal with that crap. I would be making it very clear that whoever bought all this food was responsible for all making all the meals that week. The person responsible for cooking the food, buys it, simple. I'm not running ready steady cook in my kitchen every night.

Again with the pasta dish, catering for others especially kids, can be complicated, allergies, intolerances, dislikes. Tricky to put together a menu for a group. Deviating from what was agreed with the host is unfair on the host, who no doubt is juggling lots already & doesn't need this crap.

The sex of who did what is completely irrelevant. It's just applying some basic common sense & courtesy to other people as well as some self control. He needs to be solely responsible for his actions here.

I agree with this. Feeding a family on a continuous basis is hard work. This DH sounds like a Disney Kitchen Dad. I can't stand 'glory cooks' parachuting in, messing up the system and declaring how amazing they are. Regardless of budget, food waste, getting five a day into kids, etc.

Well, that’s what many men want, isn’t it

Then why play into their hands?

@Blossomtoes
What? Are you serious? It’s ‘playing into their hands’ to insist things aren’t fucked up repeatedly? So what’s the alternative. Actually, I know what your alternative is: do the bulk of all the proper work and then simper praise if the man actually does any job at all, even if it ultimately causes more work. Great!

[quote Shakespeare79]@Blossomtoes
What? Are you serious? It’s ‘playing into their hands’ to insist things aren’t fucked up repeatedly? So what’s the alternative. Actually, I know what your alternative is: do the bulk of all the proper work and then simper praise if the man actually does any job at all, even if it ultimately causes more work. Great! [/quote]
You clearly know fuck all about me if that’s what you think.

Change the date on your slot to the following week. At least then you haven't wasted your time planning and choosing. And dh takes responsibility for meals / feeding everyone from the shop he did for this week.

Yanbu.

@Blossomtoes
Well could you explain the alternative then, if I’ve got it so wrong? If it’s ‘playing into their hands’ to reject half-arsed domestic efforts because it leads men to strop off and refuse to do anything, how do women achieve a situation whereby the man learns to pull his weight properly??

Or was your ‘playing into their hands’ comment in fact just complete goady bollocks?

I can see where your annoyance has come from, I wouldn't criticise him but ask him to help go through the meal plan for the next week and help plan new meals with what he's bought, don't do it all yourself, make him help as he's done the shopping

Also if you can afford it don't cancel tomorrow's order but get him to go through it with you so that between you can now cross off anything you don't need as he's already bought it

[quote Shakespeare79]@Blossomtoes
Well could you explain the alternative then, if I’ve got it so wrong? If it’s ‘playing into their hands’ to reject half-arsed domestic efforts because it leads men to strop off and refuse to do anything, how do women achieve a situation whereby the man learns to pull his weight properly??

Or was your ‘playing into their hands’ comment in fact just complete goady bollocks? [/quote]
No, it wasn’t “goady bollocks”. If you’re as delightful in your marriage as you are here, your bloke’s life must be a bloody nightmare.

The alternative is that we both accept we have different approaches and standards for some things. He doesn’t make a bed, he makes a dogs’ breakfast so I do it. I can’t cook to save my life so he does it. If I asked him to make the bed I know in advance it won’t be to my standards so I wouldn’t complain. Equally if I cooked, he wouldn’t expect cordon bleu. It’s called playing to your strengths and team work, it’s been very successful for over 20 years.

@Blossomtoes
Your response to me is totally irrelevant! I don’t care how your marriage works, or what you think you’ve deduced about mine.

A PP suggested that OP should basically do it all herself if her DP’s way wasn’t good enough. I commented to the effect that this is indeed what strategically incompetent men want. You then chimed in to suggest that refusal to accept half-arsed domestic efforts was ‘playing into their hands’ (presumably because the poor put-upon man will then feel justified in not pulling his weight). I objected because I think strategic incompetence should be dealt with not tolerated.

Get it?

Your own domestic arrangements (or mine) have nothing to do with it.

OP I get it. I hate it when my DH does an off piste food shop because we end up with more beige processed food with no meal planning - and I’m still ‘expected’ to cook. He’s also far less likely to look at what we actually have in already and often forgets that I’ve recently done a big shop!
The mental effort of the food shopping had already been done. It’s disrespectful of him to have undermined those efforts. Her DH should’ve communicated with her before doing a big shop. It’s all very well being spontaneous and ‘uncontrolling’ about meal planning but in a busy stressful working week then the mental effort of deciding what to cook when I’m already dog tired can push me over the edge in terms of stress levels. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case for the Op but the time for the DH to have his input and take control the week’s shopping should be before the op went to all the effort of planning things.

Yanbu and I'd be miffed too. I get it.

But I've had major conversations with my dh about him not listening to me, doing something "nice" (going off piste, creating problems and extra work which is then my responsibility to fix) and being pissed off that I'm not then eternally grateful to him.

Your own domestic arrangements (or mine) have nothing to do with it

You asked me for my alternate. I told you. Get it?

@Blossomtoes
Aarghhhh!! Your alternative for the specific situation under discussion Which is not your domestic set-up!

The issue is: if a partner does a job badly, criticism can lead some to have a tantrum and never ‘try’ again. But if a partner doesn’t point out the problem (‘criticise’) then they are still left with all the extra work of doing the job properly/undoing the work of the incompetent party.

You seemed to be suggesting that criticism was playing into the hands of the incompetent.

But since your marriage works well, this is clearly not your situation.

Bring it up at his next performance management review.

But since your marriage works well, this is clearly not your situation

It could be if I allowed it to be. I don’t.

Mountain out of a molehill.

"Furious" he did a shop not to exact specification, and ruined a meal plan.

Honestly.

@Shakespeare79
rwalker
People do things differently
So basically unless he does exactly as you want it's wrong I think he has a point.

Honestly if Was was him I just say crack on and do the lot your self .
Well, that’s what many men want, isn’t it 🤷‍♀️

Christ it must be hard work in your house to be so cinical .

I personal wouldn't waste my time OP sounds like control freak " my way or wrong way "

@AhNowTed

Mountain out of a molehill.

"Furious" he did a shop not to exact specification, and ruined a meal plan.

Honestly.

He spent £180!

‘Hard work’ is another phrase that crops up in these discussions. You must be ‘hard work’ if you don’t put up with half-arsed attempts at housework/botched chores 🙄

It’s a bit like women being “bossy” if they stand up for themselves.

Never been called ‘cinical’ though @ Wondered for a minute if I was being accused of being clinical. That would be intriguing.

For @Blossomtoes benefit, I will say that I don’t think for a moment all relationships have this dynamic. There’s many a man who is more domesticated than his wife. But it’s a pretty familiar dynamic in our society- woman does daily grind, man expects medal for doing one shop. Which I suspect is why so many posters were on OP’s side, and why we have phrases like ‘mental load’ and ‘strategic incompetence’. It’s a thing. And the contingent of posters telling OP she’s ‘hard work’ and should be ‘grateful’ just prove the point.

It reminds me a bit of my xh spending more on one Christmas present that was purchased on Christmas Eve than i had for all of our kids. Helpful? Nope.

YABU - I am very laidback but really couldn't be annoyed with this. Just cancel your order- I generally do the online shop for my family and it doesn't take much effort.

And I would hate to have the same meals planned all the time. There must be meals that can be made.

This wouldn't register to me as annoying at all. He is a grown up - he can shop if he wants

@Mynameisthecatwhogotthecream

Also if you can afford it don't cancel tomorrow's order but get him to go through it with you so that between you can now cross off anything you don't need as he's already bought it

That’s more work for the OP though isn’t it?

Much better as some pp said to ask what meals he had planned for the week (seeing that it’s the way they normally work together), writing it down nd see what happens.

He might or he might not have done all the work of thinking of something to eat for the week (why did he do that it had already been done, I have no idea).
But at least, the OP doesn’t have to ALSO do all the rummaging through cupboards and then Find ideas for the meals.

@Livpool, well he ca;shop whatever he wants as long as he a.so does all the cooking with the ingredients he bought.

The aim is NOT to buy stuff, it’s to buy stuff you’ll be able to use during the week. As this is the OP who cooks, I think it’s fair enough that she also has some input on what goes ont he list (eg the great idea of doing ‘something different’ on a Tuesday evening when the kids also have their activities and no have no time to book might not be such a great idea).

The DH HAD some input on the shopping already. Did he really need to do a big shop to make a point and get the opportunity to chose what he wants when he already had??