To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

[lechatnoir]

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

So someone should be grateful that they did anything at all? Shopping is something that benefits the whole house. Presumably people make requests or use stuff up and that gets added to the list. What's the point of a shopping list if everyone goes out and gets something different that's useless and creates more work.

Amd yes 180 quid on.shoppimg doesn't necessarily mean there's any actual food.

Maybe op would be able to stop "moaning" if people did what they said they were actually going to do.

She did do her own shopping.. she needed ingredients fir a pasta salad of course you'd say can u grab these much like the husband would say " oh I'm.out if razor blades and shampoo can u get some please"

So if the dh asked fir shampoo and razor blades when his wife was going shopping ( in an equal household where everyone chips in ) he'd be ok.with her turning up with fairy liquid and toothpaste?

Yet again another man messes up another task to the point he can't be trusted and perhaps won't be asked again. Ajd he's the victim.here 🙄

The basis of her complaint is that he didn’t do as he was told. Because she’s obviously the boss

No its the fact that the host had a specific request, the DH knew this and decided he knew better than both the OP and the host. If he wanted to be helpful he could have suggested something different but instead unilaterally decided he knew better than either of them.

How terrible that a partner does a food shop and then makes pasta salad. What is the world coming to that this act makes him a terrible partner.

Sorry you are being childish, it will take 30 seconds to cancel an online order.

As your husband enjoys cooking, I'm sure he's bought food that can actually be made into meals, but you could always ask him to cook for the week.

As for the pasta salad, take the one he made and make another for the kids (though can't think what may be in Los that kids can't actually eat)

Can this other pasta salad even be made if husband didn't pick up the requestEd ingredients.

Your husband is not a dog. Assume it's his money too. Flipping heck the level of disrespect is awful. Sorry OP you sound awful to live with.

How terrible that a partner does a food shop and then makes pasta salad. What is the world coming to that this act makes him a terrible partner

Sometimes these things can be deliberately a bit passive aggressive though.

You need to be able to rely on eachother in a busy household. If meal.planning is what works fir them in order to be able to eat well and stay on budget ir whatever and work within the time constraints then you need both parties to do their part.

Yeah on the surface it would seem strange to be mad at someone for cooking dinner.

But,. Of thats used up ingredients meant fir something else,.or has left every pot and pan.filthy in its wake, or it took.so long the kids are too over tired to eat it etc then it's really not as helpful as you'd think.

@burnoutbabe

Can this other pasta salad even be made if husband didn't pick up the requestEd ingredients.

Does it even matter? Nobody’s going to starve because the “right” pasta salad isn’t available.

OP’s husband turns up, hands over the “wrong” salad and says he’s made this one instead. OP and her friend might exchange rolled eyes. That’s it.

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

Your husband is not a dog. Assume it's his money too. Flipping heck the level of disrespect is awful. Sorry OP you sound awful to live with.

Yeah. That’s what’s happening here 🙄

I have to say I’m wondering who on Earth goes out to do a big shop on a Saturday when it has already been done and ordered for an Internet delivery

People do things differently
So basically unless he does exactly as you want it's wrong I think he has a point.

Honestly if Was was him I just say crack on and do the lot your self .

@rwalker

People do things differently So basically unless he does exactly as you want it's wrong I think he has a point.

Honestly if Was was him I just say crack on and do the lot your self .

Well, that’s what many men want, isn’t it 🤷‍♀️

Yes people do do things differently which is why if you don't want to do something or cant do something just say.

As opposed to do things in a way that just makes more work for everyone else.

And if you don't want to be "told what to do or get" don't agree to do the shopping in the first place. Least that way people know where they stand.

Sometimes things done " differently" is worse than not being done at all tbh

But the pasta salad could be for some food intolerant kid? Who knows.

If you were asked to specifically make something for the hostess, And agreed, turning up with something else would be pretty rude.

Like this is the food for the veggie guests and husband uses ham or chicken. No food for veggie guests now.

How terrible that a partner does a food shop and then makes pasta salad. What is the world coming to that this act makes him a terrible partner

How terrible that in 2021 women are still expected to be "grateful" if their male partner is strategically incompetent or too arrogant to follow a specific clear request but gets excused because as a man all he has to do is "try".

We're always hearing about how women shoulder their family's mental load.

Here's a partner who decided to do a bigger shop than asked, and make a pasta salad slightly different to the specification, and gets a kicking for not doing as he's told.

He's not a pet. It's his food budget and weekly meal plan too. For this week only, he fancied going off piste. So bloody what.

Or are we saying men should take responsibility for aspects of the mental load but only if they comply with our specific instructions or risk being slated for doing it wrong.

I am shocked at the number of people who run their home lives like employment with plans that can't be deviated from and micromanaging by issuing instructions that specify exactly how you contribute to the home. Instructing your partner to buy and make an exact recipe salad for someone else's bbq because their children are extremely fussy is mad.

On the grateful not grateful front, whenever we eat in our house a few mouthfuls in to the meal someone who didn't cook (and even if they did make a contribution like peeling potatoes) pipes up with "Thank you for cooking'. And is usually followed with , yes it's delicious or I think I should have tried to get the pastry a bit crisper. Or this chicken is nice, is it the one from that new butcher. etc etc It's just nice.

The op seems to be in a situation where the pleasure has been sucked out of something which is a large part of life and much better if both partners find a way to enjoy it.

But he was doing a job that had already been done. They'd put together an internet order that's arriving on Monday and they just needed a few bits to bridge the gap.

Instructing your partner to buy and make an exact recipe salad for someone else's bbq because their children are extremely fussy is mad.

Is it? To me, it's equivalent to this: A asks B what B's child would like for Christmas. B gives a few specific suggestions. A gives child something else because that's what A fancied buying. Present is never played with.

Is it? To me, it's equivalent to this: A asks B what B's child would like for Christmas. B gives a few specific suggestions. A gives child something else because that's what A fancied buying. Present is never played with

Exactly. Why ask what to bring if you have no intention of bringing It. Say at the bloody time or don't offer. Now with the host basing what they are making on the stuff they've been told will be being brought, now isn't perhaps as catered fir as hoped.

Maybe someone else is bringing something similar ajd they wanted a meat free/ dairy free/ non spicy version which now doesn't exist

I would be extremely annoyed that my whole weeks meal planning had been chucked out the window by someone who just fancied a big foody spend up on the spur of the moment. I have neither the time or money to deal with that crap. I would be making it very clear that whoever bought all this food was responsible for all making all the meals that week. The person responsible for cooking the food, buys it, simple. I'm not running ready steady cook in my kitchen every night.

Again with the pasta dish, catering for others especially kids, can be complicated, allergies, intolerances, dislikes. Tricky to put together a menu for a group. Deviating from what was agreed with the host is unfair on the host, who no doubt is juggling lots already & doesn't need this crap.

The sex of who did what is completely irrelevant. It's just applying some basic common sense & courtesy to other people as well as some self control. He needs to be solely responsible for his actions here.

Here's a partner who decided to do a bigger shop than asked, and make a pasta salad slightly different to the specification, and gets a kicking for not doing as he's told

If you read the OPs first post it was completely different and won't be eaten by the kids. So a waste of time, money and quite unnecessary.

He's not a pet. It's his food budget and weekly meal plan too. For this week only, he fancied going off piste. So bloody what

OP was quite clear that they agreed the plan together - if he wanted to go off piste why not raise it then?

Or are we saying men should take responsibility for aspects of the mental load but only if they comply with our specific instructions or risk being slated for doing it wrong

No. If you have agreed to do something stand by that agreement, especially when its something for a third party. He is wrong, why on earth should the OP be grateful for it?

@snowspider

I am shocked at the number of people who run their home lives like employment with plans that can't be deviated from and micromanaging by issuing instructions that specify exactly how you contribute to the home. Instructing your partner to buy and make an exact recipe salad for someone else's bbq because their children are extremely fussy is mad.

On the grateful not grateful front, whenever we eat in our house a few mouthfuls in to the meal someone who didn't cook (and even if they did make a contribution like peeling potatoes) pipes up with "Thank you for cooking'. And is usually followed with , yes it's delicious or I think I should have tried to get the pastry a bit crisper. Or this chicken is nice, is it the one from that new butcher. etc etc It's just nice.

The op seems to be in a situation where the pleasure has been sucked out of something which is a large part of life and much better if both partners find a way to enjoy it.

Some of us have very busy lives. Lists are made. Plans are compiled. Everyone needs to pull in the same direction. It’s just life.

Honestly the comments on here.

You don’t know why the host’s child needed pasta salad made a specific way. They could have a medical problem, or be going through a two-week fussy stage. That’s not the point. The point is that OP agreed to make the pasta salad according to what the host needed, and now can’t because someone else ignored what was needed to do what they thought would be nice. If OP’s sister or MIL had done the same thing instead of her husband, I guarantee the “be grateful” comments would be a lot thinner on the ground.

OP could still make the kiddies pasta salad. Then there would be an adult pasta salad and a kids one. At no time has she said that he did not supply her with the necessary ingredients.

We have no idea if OP slaves over a computer for a good hour shopping and planning all on her own. Does the shop and plan with DH near by so he has some input or they do the shop, plan and cook almost 50/50. We have been told all three.

Would love to hear the other side of this.

Your husband is not a dog. Assume it's his money too. Flipping heck the level of disrespect is awful. Sorry OP you sound awful to live with.

^I agree