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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How reasonable is it...

98 replies

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:16

For a step parent to only really sort the care for their own DC?

So say Sarah is married to Ben. Ben has three children with Jill his ex and has one child with his now wife.

Ben is a bit useless and never does things like changes the children's sheets, has clothes for them at his house, gets them to bathe regularly when there, ad-hoc brushing of teeth etc... Ben has his children 3 nights a week.

Sarah does all of the above for her child reliably, bath time every night, teeth brushed, sheets changed, new clothes all the time, room tidied etc...

Is it reasonable for Jill to be annoyed that Sarah, whilst doing this for her child with Ben, doesn't get involved in making sure it happens for his other children?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:18

Yes because Ben is their father
Ben probably married Sarah to have another female caregiver for his kids so he doesn’t have to bother himself with them.

Fullofglee · 13/08/2021 08:19

Well I'd question sarah have a child with someone who's so lazy they can't be arsed to bath and clothe their dc properly that's neglectful

Macncheeseballs · 13/08/2021 08:19

Of course Ben should do it if he can

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2021 08:22

No it’s not reasonable. Why do so many women give shit fathers a pass. It’s Ben she should be annoyed at. Sarah absolutely isn’t solving the issue by stepping in and doing it for Ben.

I’m guessing you’re Sarah?

OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 08:22

I would question any man who doesn’t look after his children. Ben is a lazy uncaring father.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:24

The children are clothed there because Jill sends them round with clothes for the time they are there.

I'm not any of them, but one is a family member. I'm trying to be as neutral as possible to get honest answers!

OP posts:

Wowwe · 13/08/2021 08:24

Yes it is reasonable for Jill to be annoyed. I think that says a lot about Sarah to be leaving them out and just dealing with her own child. They are her child’s siblings. And she should be making them feel stable and a part of their family. Not separating Care for them.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2021 08:24

Sorry I meant to say no it’s not reasonable for Jill to be annoyed with Sarah, she should be annoyed with Ben

OverweightPidgeon · 13/08/2021 08:24

Also , if Sarah ( or any mug ) wasn’t around, would Ben step up or would he continue to neglect his children?

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 08:28

Why would jill be annoyed at Sarah and not at her lazy ex husband?
Having said that I’m a step parent and I don’t believe that DSD is DHs responsibility and our joint DC are my only responsibility. We are a family and as parents we share caring for all of the children; as I work less than DH that means I do more for DSD as I do for our joint DC.
This separate responsibility view is crappy for children amd they are the ones that suffer in the long term

Wjevtvha · 13/08/2021 08:29

Basically Sarah and Ben need to sort themselves out but the annoyance shouldn’t be directed solely at Sarah

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:29

@OverweightPidgeon

Also , if Sarah ( or any mug ) wasn’t around, would Ben step up or would he continue to neglect his children?

Ben has always had the children the same length of time per week even before Sarah was on the scene so he has done it alone before.

Jill has spoken to him before about these issues and things have improved since then, but still not to the standard that Jill and Sarah take care for their children.

OP posts:

KeyWorker · 13/08/2021 08:33

I think sarah needs to think about how she’d feel if her and Ben split up and he had another child in a new relationship and her child was treated like a second class citizen while having contact with their deadbeat father.

I think the real issue is the fact that while the women in his life argue about who should be doing things for the various children involved, Ben is not held to account over the fact he’s a shit parent. I hope sarah thinks very hard about her and he child’s future before having any more children with this pathetic man.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 13/08/2021 08:37

If Ben was otherwise pulling his weight and Sarah on some sort of principle refused to pitch in occasionally I'd be mildly irritated (even if it's not really her job, it's part of the overall give and take of things) but in these circumstances Ben is being crap.

Returnoftheowl · 13/08/2021 08:38

Why does Ben get a free pass to be a useless parent, while the blame gets passed to Sarah?

Ben is the parent to these children! He needs to step up.

Step parents seem to have the short end of the stick. If they do something they are interfering, if they don't they are neglectful. Can't win either way!

EL8888 · 13/08/2021 08:39

Ben is the issue as they’re his children, they aren’t Sarah’s. She didn’t choose to bring them into the world: Ben and Jill did. These kind of debates validates why l won’t date men with children, as l don’t want to become a free nanny

LawnFever · 13/08/2021 08:39

@Shoxfordian

Sorry I meant to say no it’s not reasonable for Jill to be annoyed with Sarah, she should be annoyed with Ben

Agreed, Jill is directing her anger at the wrong person, Ben should stop being so shit and be a parent to all his children.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:41

My personal opinion is that it's too much to ask of Sarah when we're talking about 3 additional children alongside her own and that if Jill is concerned that her children are not being adequately cared for by their Dad and he's not listening when issues are raised then she needs to look into whether the contact schedule they have is really the best thing and take steps in that direction if it's not, rather than expecting Sarah to pick up the slack of her children's father.

OP posts:

SillyLittleBiscuit · 13/08/2021 08:45

Ben is in the wrong. Jill’s mad at the wrong person. Sarah should stop doing everything for their shared child too. If Ben stepped up there Sarah might help out with the step kids every now and then.

MadeOfStarStuff · 13/08/2021 08:46

Ben is a complete dick, he’s the one both women should be angry with if he can’t be arsed to care for his own kids.

Fullofglee · 13/08/2021 08:47

I'd I was Jill I'd be pulling access if their basic needs were not meet. Does Sarah only cook her dc food, does she only doing her dc washing if so that's beyond petty and I can see why Jill would be furious.

PalmsandCharms · 13/08/2021 08:49

Jill needs to be annoyed with dad, not Sarah.
Maybe Sarah is pissed off because dad doesn't actually do naff all for their child and she has to do everything. Why should she then take on full care for the other children too.
Dad sounds a useless tool.

Chasingsquirrels · 13/08/2021 08:51

From what you have written Ben is the one at fault here.

Nextchapterofmybook · 13/08/2021 08:51

If I was Jill I’d log it all, gather evidence then go to social services and say he’s neglecting them. I’d use this either as a big wake up call for him to step up, or i would use to reduce contact. Feeding, keeping your kids clean and clothed and basic hygiene are the basic parts of parenting. If he can’t / won’t do them, then unfortunately he is not fit to care for them.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:52

Sarah does cook and wash. But only what is brought to the basket, so she doesn't go and collect dirty clothes or bedsheets for the step children. They often end up taking the clothes back home with them to Jill.

OP posts:

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